Vulnerability

*Some of these journal entries will be from previous dates becasue I am slowly transferring some of them from my old xanga account.

4.10.06

I often wonder why vulnerability seems to be something so foreign to many people--something so scary--something not wanted. Really, it is something people want and need, but they just don't know it. When not abused, vulnerability frees people in ways never imagined. Vulnerability means bearing your heart, letting someone else into your deepest thoughts, your mind and heart [which can be a scary place sometimes]. Thinking over the reasons people clam up, build walls [heck, some have fortresses], I remember times in my life when my mom's friend had once told her I was a "turtle in its shell, hard as a rock." It's true. Too much-- there had been too much damage and my heart just couldn't take it. I shut down. No more closeness or intimacy for me; I see how it goes: I get close and love deeply and then people leave. So badly hurt. Walls went up. I even remember not letting anyone around me. No hugs. No kisses. Nope, not for me. Don't invade my bubble. I lived this way for years! God broke me of that a few years back at LT and then through the process of living with some amazing women who just showed me love. ...Defense-mechanism I'd like to call it. Yes. The walls "protect" you from whatever it is that you are hiding from [people, abandonment, loss, love, committment, sin, failure, God, doubt, expectations, etc.]. Over the years the Lord has truly helped me grow in the area of vulnerability. He's shown me how important it is to bear burdens with other people and to cast my burdens on Him as well as talking through deep issues with those who love and support. The tears come. The hard times come. He is constant. I recall times people ruined the trust I had with them; their careless gossip, their careless actions, heartless responses. No wonder people shut down. A cruel world indeed. Discernment of who you share with is certainly needed. Praise You, Lord, for amazing friends of accountability and love.

So once God has moved in your life, bringing you to a point of vulnerability, He entrusts You with the burdens of others. What a radical thing it is to ask others to share their hearts with you. People don't just do that. God's been teaching me the delicacy and gentleness required for such a task. The sympathy. The boldness to speak truth but in love and gentleness. The absolute need for patience! God's time. Power of the Holy Spirit. The transforming of me--to fit as a key in their lock. To unlock the door to their hearts. Not all this prying and probing and tearing apart. This often leaves more damage than what you originally had in the first place. God doesn't do that to us. He uproots things, no doubt. But He is also so gentle and patient with people. His love pours over us as soft rain but is thick like syrup. I will agree that He breaks us. He broke me the years of 2002-03. A hard breaking which only allowed for repentance and restoration. However, looking back, His gentle guiding hand persisted the entire time. He also healed the areas of my heart where damage had occured. He didn't just pry and tear apart my foundation without rebuilding me. When we meet with people, we must be weary of falling into the vice of a "fix-it-all" plan. Even as I look to see how God transforms me, it's not this long check-off list. It's a long process, and He takes me through each baby-step one at a time, leading me and holding my hand often. He's firm when it's needed and gentle when needed. He may convict, but then He sees me through it all, not abandoning me.

The one time I remember Him being blatantly firm with me occured last semester as I struggled with bouts of depression. Truly trying times when in depression. He was teaching me persistance, how to fight, to claim Jesus' blood, and to be a warrior. At one point, while driving home and fed up with being depressed, I cried out, "Lord, I don't want to be depressed anymore! What is this?! Make it go away!" Very clearly, firmly, and with much composure He said, "Dyanne, choose to be joyful. It is a commandment. Be joyful always." Whoa. Okay. Did the battle stop immediately? Of course not. Depression is much more complex than that; however, His point rang clearly in my ears and heart. Since then, He didn't just leave me [Okay, you're on your own. Choose to be joyful.] No! He's been there through it all. He's helped me to see when I need to be joyful. He's shown me when it's an attack. He's shown me when it's a valid feeling I need to address and deal with. He's walking me through it. He's brought deliverance from it! Amen! O Lord, teach me Your ways. Teach me to bear people's burdens as You do. Teach me to relate to people as You do. Teach me to love people as You do.

Looking back on how God prepared me for breaking points in my life, I am so amazed. I started praying for healing the Christmas of 2003 and by the Fall of 2004 I was in a blown out healing deliverance. I remember telling Sarah [while at LT] that God was sustaining me through the summer. He was not breaking me but I knew it was coming. I felt it. By the end of the summer and the beginning of the Fall, I broke. Grieving had come. Several things led up to this point and the most significant one I can remember is a dream that the Lord had given me. About a week or two prior to the onset of my grieving and healing process the Lord brought me a clear vision for what was about to take place. It goes something like this:

I'm driving down the road to my house, only it's my old house from my elementary days. [This clearly shows the bondage I had to my past] As I drove there were tons of barriers and blockades as well as caution tape. I drove slowly, perplexed. The air seemed still and empty. Eerie almost. When I reached the end of my street, I discovered my house to have burned down--completely. I did not panic, however. The nothingness wasn't so. On the other hand, people were working diligently, rebuilding my home--from the foundation. Watching people work I soon realized these were not just any people, these were my friends from church. My church family. I was quite confused being that my Dad wanted nothing to do with church people. He was in the background watching along with my mom and sister and brother. Everyone worked together to rebuild my home from the foundations. Amazing.

When I woke up I immediately thought over my dream. I usually never remember dreams unless there is some kind of strong significance. I began praying over it, asking God to interpret it for me. Through the course of the day He kept telling me more and more about the meaning behind it all. Talking with some friends of wise council and praying through this I realized that God was telling me 1.) I was about to experience brokenness 2.) He was going to rebuild me from the foundations 3.) He was going to use my church family to do so. Never have I had such a clear vision of what was to come...God brought so much insight and clarity. He prepared me and then followed through amazingly. Amen!