Here is an old journal entry from the Fall of 2004:
Something that I've realized is that sometimes we're going to be in a funk, not necessarily knowing why...sometimes from our own sin and defiance to God, sometimes an attack from the enemy and sometimes it's just how we feel in response to a circumstance. Whether or not its due to the attack, a sin, or a circumstance, God calls us to be joyful always...to be in prayer always...and to be thankful always. In such times it feels impossible to be that way yet the Lord holds us to it- so by His grace and strength its not impossible.
So often we cling to the things that hurt us the most...we offer Satan a body to use an then to spit out...left unaware of his tactics or even his presence. God is raising us to be warriors- strong warriors for His kingdom yet we blame God for the trials and live in self-pity...once again feeding the flesh and the enemy. Satan knows our weaknesses and preys on them, and then he leaves us to continue the work.
In a moment of epiphany, God's grace you might say, it comes over you that something is terribly wrong. God gives you discernment and revelations are realized. The funk subsides and you are back to something of a normal state, left pending and analyzing but ultimately back to a state of ignorance. Satan leaves you blinded even so, but God has yet to really move.
Strongholds keep you bound in chains, enslaved to sin, enslaved to evil. Satan covers your eyes or rather narrows your perspective. Blinders have been set on either side of your eyes and the only thing you can see is what your leader has set before you. Dare I say you are led astray by the enemy? Sometimes, yes.
God, on the other hand, does not blind use to anything- He reveals truth and sets His children free, leading them- without blinders-without chains. If we let Him, He even carries our load and in times of trial He'll even carry us.
Something still holds you back- there is something deep within you hurting- churning and festering over. It reaches a boil now and then and then subsides with a glimpse of a distraction of some sort.
God is calling you to live spontaneously for Him and with Him- a seed blown by the spirit- free to move as the spirit moves. Yet you are holding back...
There are poisons in you, toxins that need to be dealt with. Hurts fromt he past, guilt, grudges, insecurities, anger, pride,...deep rooted things that will not go away without exposing them and dealing with them.
Satan wants you to feed off of them while you have no awareness of it. God wants you to be free in Him. Freedom in Christ is something that is so real, yet you cannot understand it until you've tasted it. By and by you so desire freedom yet Satan makes you believe the poisons are what you want and need. He feeds them to you like a child and makes them feel comfortable- something you know and supposedly cannot live without.
Lies...dispel the lies. Once pride can be overcome and you can choose to change...God can really come in and work. There is authority in Christ that you can choose to use. Replacing the lies with truth, God uproots your foundation and rebuilds you from the inside out.
Satan is cast aside...the darkness within is overridden by an abundance of light. The voices, the lies, the sin, the darkness, the evil, the depression, the poisons- overflow out of you...they pour out of you, spiraling out of you like the eruption of a volcanoe.
God begins to fill you...a rich joy enter...a rich peace...contentment like none ever felt before. There is room for these things finally. Crawling out of yourself, letting go of the past, the evil, the sin, the fleshly ways, the worldly things...casting out the enemy. God now has reign in your life.
Love replaces the loneliness, the fear, the hate, the unforgivenness...love surrounds you...as a blanket surrounding you, the spirit covers you.
Satan has lost battle ground- he has lost your soul- you have gained life. God has rescued His child.
He wants more though- He wants to know you intimately and endlessly- you so desire that...something deep in you cries out for love, significance, and to belong. God answers all of these.
Pursued by your creator and marked by His grace, He holds you in His arms and His warmth. His love surpasses all. A child reconciled to his Father...how precious is such a thing.
The spirit carries you away as the wind carries seed...experiences and testimonies to share, you have been cleansed from the inside out, and beautifully sculpted through the trials. A warrior ready to fight the enemy you once knew so well- armed and ready, you head off for war...knowledgeable of his tactics now. The spirit lives in you, leading and guiding and teaching...the Father protecting and applauding- well done my son, my daughter, well done. The Son, befriending you, a lover like no other. Jesus is the way the truth and the life.
Free to live by the fly, embracing eternal life. There is great adventure when living with God- He is unpredictable yet so constant and stable. Never leaving you, that is for sure. don't run from Him, run with Him.
I can only say this because the Lord has done wonders in my own life. I struggled with my faith after a series of events in my life that led me astray, causing me to question and meander... dealing with depression, thoughts of suicide, low self-esteem...the list goes on...nothing could make me better because ultimately, there is a spiritual realm in this world often times overlooked. The problem did not lie in my past or who I was or that I needed medication or counseling... I needed to know truth. I needed the love of Christ. I needed to have the holy spirit fill me. there is only one way to the Father and that is through Jesus Christ. Praise the Lord for everything that He has done. Had God not put someone in my life to guide me in the right direction, who knows where I'd be today.
One of the first chapters that really spoke to me when I started reading the Bible was Psalm 139. God loves us so much, yet we run from Him and blame Him for things... many times the enemy is to blame but we tend to push him aside forgetting he is there. Embrace your Lord and He will take care of you. I have great faith in that. I will be praying for you.
Something someone once told me:
"Don't climb a ladder that's leaning against the wrong wall....Don't live your life for fool's gold...real diamonds vs. fake ones...No one ever said being a Christian would be easy. In fact, its hard. When you are not a believer, Satan is going to do everything he can to make you content and satisfied as if you don't need anything. Once you become a Christian, he is going to do everything he can to make you discouraged, feel guilty, etc. You now feel guilty if you speep in on time whereas before, you weren't getting up at all to do your quiet times and never felt guilty- but that's just one of his tactics- to make you feel guilt and then you turn away from God. Trials will come, suffering, and much more, persecution and segregation...but persevere. Keep seeking after the Lord and holding on to the truth...because IN THE END, WE WILL WIN. It doesn't matter what it looks like while we're running the race- it isn't a fashion show and the prize doesn't go to the nicest looking runner- the one who crosses the finish line wins. You could be ahead the whole race (your whole life) but if you don't have direction you won't win because you'll be led astray. (Analogy: Tom used to run cross country and one race he was in second the whole time. Tom had been on that course before so he knew the way- the guy in first missed the final turn and kept going straight, so in the end Tom won.) So many people look as if they are in first but thier running a race with no prize except death. Pursue the real riches, crowns, and treasures. Be faithful to the end!" Philippians 3:14
I hope that this could be of some encouragement. If you're in the Lord's hands, then you are in good hands. ~In His love~
