Helping and Healing Business

The Lord gave me an analogy today as I talked with a dear friend.

Maybe it’s a stereotype that guys like to fix things, but I know that I, too, have a tendency to fix things or at least try to. One of my deepest desires and passions is to see people walk in freedom and receive healing. Naturally, this can tend towards a fix-it mentality. Being American we want to microwave things but God is into marinating them. I am guilty of this and the Lord has been slowly helping me learn how to walk with people through their troubles and not slap down a label or cure. Coming along side people, holding their hand, carrying them briefly, encouraging them, and simply being next to them. Clearly, I’ve not mastered this but I am working towards this idea of playing the role in simply helping the Father.

I realized that my role is not to fix someone. Simply, my role is to help the Father in His process of “fixing” someone. The vision I had entailed that of a little boy helping his father fix the car.

The boy has no idea how to maintain a car, fix a car, what parts to replace or repair…only the father does. But, the father can teach and use his children to accomplish a certain task. Does he necessarily need to? No. However, he wants to!

“Son, pass the wrench.” “Okay dad!”

Now, this help can look many different ways. For instance, the son has no idea what a wrench is. “No son, it’s that one over there.” “This one?” “No.” “This one?” “Yah, thank you.” The point here, we are the children helping and sometimes we make mistakes or we just don’t quite know how to help and provide what someone needs. The beauty is that it’s a learning process for both the one needing healing and the one trying to help.

Or I think of a little girl helping her mom cook. She doesn’t know how to cook but she can go get a measuring cup and pour a cup of flour. She begins to pour, tipping the bag and suddenly there’s a white floor and an overflowing cup of flour. “Oops! Sorry mommy.”

Sometimes we deliver wrong messages at the right time or right messages at the wrong time. Sometimes we just get the wrong tool to help. Other times we spill things. It’s a messy process all in all—this whole helping and healing business.

We are human. We are God’s children and we make mistakes. We are all learning.

As the helper we must never assume the role of the fixer. We are getting the wrench for the Father or taking something he gives us and delivering it. A word of encouragement. A revelation. A great insight. A thoughtful prayer. Practical help with a physical need. A listening ear.

So, the helper must have grace in that the one who’s needing healing may be slow to come around. The one needing healing must have grace in the fact that we are all learning and we don’t always know how to help.

We must practice our ability to listen and hear the Lord. He knows how we can and should help. He knows how to heal us. He knows how to best use us. He’s teaching us just as a Father teaches his son/daughter.

A Granny's Word

i often muse over the memories spent with my granny-- what she taught me, still teaches me, how the Father used her to help form me, still helps form me. the simplicities of life to cherish... her wisdom forever shapes me and speaks into my life. i hold her dear to my heart today just as i did years ago as a child learning the ways of the ocean. she is a teacher and my granny.

for years, she has written an article each week in the Victoria Advocate, relating her relationship with God to that of her experiences with the ocean. after visiting for Thanksgiving, she emailed me a rough version of what was to be published the following weekend.

here is the link to the article in the paper:

http://www.victoriaadvocate.com/841/story/162197.html

here's the article just in case the link doesn't work:

"Teaching grandchildren is harder now" by: Elaine Wheat

December 01, 2007
“Remember the days of old; consider the years of many generations.”

Deuteronomy 32:7

Today I enjoyed remembering the days of old, considering the years of many generations.

My oldest grandgirl, Dyanne, came to visit me. And, after catching up with each other’s lives, and looking forward to great things to come for her, like graduation from A&M with a teaching degree, and me being able to brag on another Ms. Wheat teacher, we wanted to look backward to the way we were.

I got out a bunch of old VCR tapes to refresh our memories and, after watching several, Dyanne asked me, “Granny, don’t we have any tapes where we are not in or at the water? I would like to see one of me where I’m not wearing one of your old tie-died, wet shirts, a used fishing cap or visor, and not have wet, stringy hair.”

I assured her that I had only gotten out the best ones for our viewing of the way we really were, and, truly, I had not realized that in my way of thinking that naturally included water being swam in or fished in.

After the full viewing, we voted that our favorite one was when Dyanne was about 7 and Marilyn Elaine was about 4 years old and not yet married to an Air Force jet mechanic and living near London. Who would have ever guessed that those two precious pre-people running around on the beach would grow up and actually be adults?

I want to share something with you: Being Granny back then was a lot easier than being Granny now. When “remembering the days of old” our roles were well-defined. Granny taught them important things like how to cast, where they could swim and not to run on the little wooden crabbing bridge. It was their role to do the things they were taught. Well, most of the time anyway. Marilyn didn’t actually run on the bridge but she did do this crazy looking skippy-hoppity-waddling thing instead of running.

The only thing hard about those days of old was for me to remember to trust them and not constantly say granny type things like, “Be careful, don’t run, and keep your mouth shut when you are throwing bread balls up in the air because a beautiful seagull might poop in it.”

I taught, they learned and we all trusted each other to do our things.

Now they are adults, and I am not good at being an adult’s granny. I still know a few things that they need to know, but I have a hard time just letting them learn those things instead of me teaching them. I guess I have to learn from them that it is now time for me to learn to keep my mouth shut or something unpleasant may happen to me.

Dear Lord, please help my generation to pray that You keep Your arm around our shoulders and Your hand over our mouths. How can our kids or grandkids learn faith if all they have to do is teach us to mind ourselves?

Safe Harbors

Thinking back on the days leading to my surrender, I found myself singing my own requiem… walking down, a slow death. Those days seemed to grow dimmer and dimmer—any light proved bright. So far gone, only a greater power could rescue me.

Lackadaisical, her feet dangling in a quaint stream hidden in the shelter of the woods, she silently mourns. Aloneness surrounds her and yet a gentle breeze seems to speak to her as if to say, “I am here with you.” Tears hit the water, mixing unnoticeably—moreover she blends with the inattentive crowd buzzing away with shallow talk of the day. As if a stone feeling the water rush around without a second glance, so people pass her by. She wastes away slowly, only no one knows, for it happens over time with increments too small to note. Similar to that of a child you live with and then one day you realize he’s grown to your size. The monster inside becomes too much to hide any longer.

She awakens one morning to the sound of a hopeful bird, a song so sweet she felt herself beckoned to another world—one filled with no pain, no tears. Could there be such a place or only one hoped for but never created? No such place, she thinks. How could there be in all honesty? Yet the hunger grew with intensity.

Searching with no direction. Thus the course of a year she was a ship steering the course of the sea with no destination in mind save a safe harbor.

As a friend once said, “I didn’t fall in love but I found Love itself. I didn’t find my way but I had it shown to me.” A tiny seed of hope grew and the light beckoned me. He guided the ship with a light. He is my compass.

He drew me into safe harbors. Refuge at last. An anchor for my soul. No longer a tortured soul...peace at last.

The Lord Hides, But I Will Wait and Trust

stillness of the night quiet sounds all around me endless thoughts run free

There are so many things that I want to do with my life, and yet there always seems to be the same hindrances that rise up and block the dreams. I am naturally a dreamer, an idealist, a visionary...but it seems that time always bucks up and pushes the grand thought aside. "Move on over, partner. Time's a'comin' on through." Either that or fear. Fear paralyzes most men--to some degree, anyhow.

As of late, I find myself growing in the area of confidence and believing my Father for great things. He has equipped me and will do wondrous things through me because I live from His presence and favor. Outside of him, well, I'm pretty much useless.

This idea of confidence in the Lord has grown unknowingly. The Lord prophesied in July that I would journey through a season of learning to walk in confidence and not fear man. He told me that I was equipped and assured me that I would accomplish great things with my life. Not to mention, He said I'd be a "protocol breaker." That's a significant statement and call on my life. Something I had to realize is that protocol is just a way of doing something. I won't be rebellious, but I'll just break the traditional mold--the hum drum way of doing things. In order to do that I must walk in His confidence and favor.

This season continues to be drawn out as the Lord carefully and even meticulously uproots insecurities, fears, lies, and wounds. The mending of such brokenness takes time and great care. He is patient--no, he is patience, the very essence of patience.

I am grateful to know that he loves me enough to walk me through the junk and even challenge me to change and become a better person; to become more Christ-like. The process can sometimes be messy but the other end of things is always so much more beautiful. Take a diamond for instance. A diamond in the rough...the process of cleaning and polishing...then the result of a rare and priceless jewel.

We are to co-labor with the Lord. He has given us great desires and dreams. It's not like Buddhism where you take away all desires. That is a cheap and goes against a passionate God's heart for us. As we surrender our hearts and desires to him, he fills us with his desires. Our desires line up with his and by his grace and power we can co-labor with Him.

Time is not an issue for the Lord. Therefore, time does not have to be an issue for me. It's that simple. What could take years, the Lord can do in minutes. I've seen it happen in my own personal life. But then again, the Lord is patient and does not view time in the way we do, so sometimes it seems that something may take forever to come about. Keep in mind that no barren woman in the Bible stayed barren except David's wife because she did not like his dancing before the Lord. That speaks well of the Lord's promises to us!

The only fear we should have is a healthy fear of God. Perfect love casts out all fear. With help from the holy spirit, I can be fearless.

Taking these roadblocks out, I find myself once again dreaming with God and desiring to co-labor with the Lord.

Direction...now if only I could understand which way to go...this involves listening, trusting, waiting, and obeying. I suppose through all of these things, I am learning greater revelation of who God is and who I am in Christ. No, I don't suppose. I know so. I am learning to be a sheep that knows my master's voice. The art of listening.

My thoughts are a little scattered tonight, but all the same, coherent.

In the end, I just want to know my maker intimately, be known by him, trust and obey. My big hope is in the King and his Kingdom. Anything else is only subservient.

Isaiah 17:8 "I will wait for the Lord, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in him."

2 Thessalonians 3:5 "May the Lord direct your hearts into God's lvoe and Christ's perseverance."

Change Begins With the Roots

A friend asked for this drawing and I felt led to send it along to others...over the years, another dear friend has taught me the beauty in sharing. may the Lord use this to minister to you.

Several days ago the Lord had given me this vision of a tree coming up through a heart...previously I had seen a shirt that had a picture of a tree that said, "Change begins with the roots"...while watching the Gospel of John I felt inspired to start putting the image on paper...different verses came to mind and I felt that they went along with the image. At first I was going to do a tree that was half in the desert and half in the streams, but that just didn't seem right, for we have complete Life in Him--not just partial. The colors came together and a renewed tree and heart presented itself...

The Lord has taken me through so much healing and He continues to. It is a process...through all of it we are renewed with a new heart and mind. Keep asking Him for healing and renewal. He never holds back healing from those who ask and seek it. some of the verses that i put on here have been speaking to me since the very first day that i received the Lord...and others just came...

lies and wounds are like weeds that need to be dug up. dealing with your heart is like dealing with a garden...it must be maintained and fertilized or else it will become overgrown with weeds. in order to dig up a weed and insure that it does not grow back, you must attack it from the root. likewise, to become free from a wound or lie, we must dig it up from the root. once the weed is dug up, we must nurture and fertilize the soil and the plants remaining. we must replant if necessary. the same is true with our hearts (and minds). when a wound and lie is uprooted, we must replant...replace it with the truth and love of the Lord. the holy spirit helps us in this process. our minds must be renewed in the process in order to keep the healing and keep our hearts protected from future arrows and wounds.

The scars are our testimony. Revelation 12:11 "They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death."

the verses in the picture to meditate on are as follows:
John 15:5-8
parts of Isaiah 61
Jeremiah 17:8-9
Proverbs 4:23
Isaiah 43:18
Psalm 126:5-6
John 4:13-14
John 7:37-39

Barefoot Worship

This past weekend I spent a good amount of my time in worship. While at a wedding which most certainly could have been only business mixed with stress, I found it to be otherwise-- everything seemed to be some form of praise and worship to the Lord. Kara and David's wedding proved absolutely beautiful and God glorifying.

Saturday morning was spent frolicking in the grass, relaxing in a hammock, and sitting on the back porch with some of Kara's family and others. While Yancy, Kara's dad, grilled 130 lbs. of chicken for the reception, we remained in great conversation and eventually in song. Our feet dangled from the table, and a freeness, an abandonment that only Christ can bring settled over me.

Recently, there has been a new song released that is quite powerful. Yancy introduced this to us with his most resonating, strong voice. A-ccapella, we rejoiced in song with the East Texas breeze sweeping across the land, blue skies, scenes of wedding tents and chairs, a green pond, and above all the presence of other lovers of the Lord. Nothing to keep beat but our own soul and the rhythmic clapping...we lifted up the Lord that morning in high spirits.

In the midst of a day that many would deem as stressful, we found utmost peace and joy. Many feet shuffled the floor. Barefoot in the grass. Everything came together beautifully and the Body, a most intimate convening.

A powerful song which touched my heart...download for free:

http://antiochcc.ccbchurch.com/app/w_page.php?id=65&type=section

[Right click on "Jesus is the Lord" audio and click "save link as"]

Whispers of Yellow

"The heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. It is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark and not to turn." --from "The Testing-Tree," by Stanley Kunitz

Inspired this night, may my words bring comfort to those who have experienced great loss such as I have; better yet, may the Comforter whisper to you.


// Driving ‘neath September’s moon
Passing city lights and then suddenly slowing
Almost to a stop
Inching along, stillness exudes
Days of nonstop movement, now halted
Months worth of emotion hardened around my heart
Stop…Go…Stop…Go

Sirens, lights ahead pleading, no, forcing me to stop
Fifteen minutes to travel one mile
My plans interrupted

Warm honey trickled over me, seeping into the stone
Melted like butter, romanced by a lover
My Comforter came to me
Tears welled up in my eyes, too big to hold
Soon a flood gate opened
Streams of living water ran down, down
My body went limp, my heart malleable

Weeping Willow

Ten years since her death and today…
Today, ten years since her burial
Yellow roses, her favorite
Songs of sorrow echo

A new place in life, transition—O what I’d do to have her comfort for one more day, one more minute
She sings to me in my sleep at times
I can still hear her voice
Tender
Compassionate
Rings in my ears like church bells
Soothes like a songbird
Her sweet smell
Soft touch

Comforter, come to me
And O how He does

The pain wraps around me like a vine
Darkens, keeping me from the sun

Deep rooted, I am—I LIVE
He trims away the vines
Just another face in a sea of faces
He comes to me
Sitting in the car, He meets with me
He knows me
And I know Him

Beyond my plans, He weaves
Finding the time for me
He cares enough to interrupt my plans

He knows my every scar
Every tear

“Come to me, my child”
Just as she did,
He holds me
And sings to me:

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
“You make me happy, when skies are gray
“You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
“O please don’t take my sunshine away”

I pass the sirens and flashing lights
Traffic picks up speed
Life continues
His peace remains
My heart renewed

He found time for me

Rays of sunshine
No vines
Yellow roses begin to grow //


"Beauty is God's handwriting." --Charles Kingsley

golden gift

hints of Life abound
bee in golden gift forming
mountainous honey

Common Depth

I suppose that simplicity speaks most profoundly to my heart. Perhaps the complexity of things loses me in some capacity, nonetheless I am impressed. However, something about the beauty of simplicty draws near to my soul--especially when a deeper meaning surfaces.

Passing through a thrift store in Michigan I picked up this old 1963 Enlgand in Literature textbook. I find myself appreciating the lyrics of Wordsworth as he "creates beauty from simple and commonplace things." As the text describes, he was "a thrifty, retentive, and vigorously active mind, firmly anchored in the actual and familiar."

One poem really struck me with delight:

382. To the Skylark

William Wordsworth (1770–1850)

ETHEREAL minstrel! pilgrim of the sky!
Dost thou despise the earth where cares abound?
Or while the wings aspire, are heart and eye
Both with thy nest upon the dewy ground?
Thy nest which thou canst drop into at will,	5
Those quivering wings composed, that music still!
To the last point of vision, and beyond
Mount, daring warbler!—that love-prompted strain
—’Twixt thee and thine a never-failing bond—
Thrills not the less the bosom of the plain:	10
Yet might’st thou seem, proud privilege! to sing
All independent of the leafy Spring.
Leave to the nightingale her shady wood;
A privacy of glorious light is thine,
Whence thou dost pour upon the world a flood	15
Of harmony, with instinct more divine;
Type of the wise, who soar, but never roam—
True to the kindred points of Heaven and Home.

What's profound about his poetry appears that the simple soon transforms into great substance of reflection and enlightenment.

Skylines

Driving down the winding roads among the mountains into a landscape much simpler made of wide open spaces and perfect skylines, I realized my utter contentment with the moment--wherever I am, there I am. Here I am. Embracing the season and surroundings, yet not settling. Going deeper while remaining absolutely content with the cup being poured for me. No need for extra sugar and cream to be satisfied. The Lord knows my depth, He knows my lot.

We may spend a lifetime discovering the secrets of contentment, but the truth lies in the very moment. A thankful heart, always. A balance of living surely in the now and yet longing for more depth and intimacy--remaining hungry.

So once again a paradox remains: be completely satisfied and yet continue to hunger for more.

no not one

"Ain't No Man Righteous, no not one" by: Bob Dylan When a man he serves the Lord, it makes his life worthwhile. It don't matter 'bout his position, it don't matter 'bout his lifestyle. Talk about perfection, I ain't never seen none And there ain't no man righteous, no not one. Sometimes the devil likes to drive you from the neighborhood. He'll even work his ways through those whose intentions are good. Some like to worship on the moon, others are worshipping the sun And there ain't no man righteous, no not one. Look around, ya see so many social hypocrites Like to make rules for others while they do just the opposite. You can't get to glory by the raising and the lowering of no flag. Put your goodness next to God's and it comes out like a filthy rag. In a city of darkness there's no need of the sun And there ain't no man righteous, no not one. Done so many evil things in the name of love, it's a crying shame I never did see no fire that could put out a flame. Pull your hat down, baby, pull the wool down over your eyes, Keep a-talking, baby, 'til you run right out of alibis. Someday you'll account for all the deeds that you done. Well, there ain't no man righteous, no not one. God got the power, man has got his vanity, Man gotta choose before God can set him free. Don't you know there's nothing new that's under the sun? Well, there ain't no man righteous, no not one. When I'm gone don't wonder where I be. Just say that I trusted in God and that Christ was in me. Say He defeated the devil, He was God's chosen Son And that there ain't no man righteous, no not one.

a stranger

// A Stranger // 4.17.07

never saw your face
only dreamt of the place
where we met by the shore
a chill shot through to my core

one day we'll meet
dancing on our feet

inspiration led the artist's hand
love wrote a song for the band
songbirds sing a tune
love's struck a chord in June

out among the wildflowers
i will not cower
love's sprung wings to fly
up to the sky, high

clouds clear out
the mountains shout
golden waves of grass
time has forgotten to pass

one day we'll meet
dancing on our feet

the impression becomes a face
on that day, we'll meet
dancing on our feet

Jai guru deva om

I suppose music ministers to me with a magnitude that runs deep through, touching places that naturally do not expose themselves. Maybe it's the harmony that aligns with my soul, maybe it's the beat that meshes with my own heartbeat, or maybe it's simply the tones and harmonics that resonate in the air passing through my eardrum...okay...maybe music just contains something special--something spiritual. Anyhow, this song really blessed me tonight as I see my world shifting around me...31 dead at Virginia Tech, death, horror, nuclear scares, AIDS crisis, suicide bombers...all the way to a more personal sphere containing an ambiguous future, love, sisters growing up and moving on, family, friends that come and go, transition, student to teacher... change.

Changes come.

Hearing this song, I remember my grounding in Chrsit. My footing lies in Him. Abide. Dwell. Rest. ...in His presence. He orchestrates everything, and I mean everything. The Beatles say it best, "Nothing's gonna change my world." There is a steady peace that resides inside me, that sustains me. I am confident in Him--TRUST. Through it all, I trust. Walk, walk in faith-- one day at a time.

"Across the Universe"
The Beatles

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

nostalgia

Listening to this song, I am taken back to childhood and something nostalgic stirs up. Though my roots lie not in Michigan, I feel every word and note that presents itself. Up late with a cup of coffee, my thoughts escape me as I wander back...a time of simplicity and innocence. Swings, clovers and honeysuckle, icecream cones and cartoons, hide 'n seek and tree houses. ... With influences of Copland and Bernstein, I venture through days of band as well...the musty smell of the band hall, the hours of practice, the sweat and tears, the accomplishments and applause, the teamwork and unity. ...I continue to be dumbfounded and quite amazed by the stirring a song can have on a man. The instrumentation creates "wistful desires to return home." This life brings new adventures every day, new seasons, and new memories--a tapestry forming ever so intricately by the Maker's hands. Take some time, if not today, to thank Him for the path He weaves for you. Every thread's being strung together with great care.


Hem
"Half Acre"
(Dan Messe)

I am holding half an acre
Torn from the map of Michigan
And folded in this scrap of paper
Is the land I grew in

Think of every town you've lived in
Every room you lay your head
And what is it that you remember

Do you carry every sadness with you
Every hour your heart was broken
Every night the fear and darkness
Lay down with you

A man is walking on the highway
A woman stares out at the sea
And light is only now just breaking

So we carry every sadness with us
Every hour our hearts were broken
Every night the fear and darkness
Lay down with us

But I am holding half an acre
Torn from the map of Michigan
I am carrying this scrap of paper

That can crack the darkest sky wide open
Every burden taken from me
Every night my heart unfolding
My home

...into the Wilderness

I have come out of a time of healing and deliverance. Last Fall proved to be a season of intense cleansing from my past. He had given me the verse:

Isaiah 61:1-4 “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourne and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places that have been devastated for generations.”

Through several counseling times and deliverance sessions, the Lord spoke to my innermost being, bringing light into the dark places. I visually see tar being scraped off of my heart…not just from the surface but from the inside-out. He has cleansed me, and given me a more solid foundation. Now, the anointing over me has increased and His Holy Spirit is working through me even greater. He is laying new foundations that are void of habitual sin. The Spirit is retraining me—teaching me the way of the righteous.

A push and pull…my spirit feels the warfare and the evil pushes me closer to God and God Himself pulls me nearer to His side. Other times the temptation pulls at me rather than push and I find myself at a place of choice: Rebel against God and choose sin or choose God by denying such temptation. It is an ugly battle but there is victory for those in Christ. I desire to be the good seed that is in good soil. May I not be taken by the birds, choked out by the weeds, or distracted by the world. Right now is a time of shaking in the church. Those for Christ are being separated from those against Him. I don’t want to just be a church-goer who does not allow Christ to be my King. May He be my King in all areas of my life!

Everything is in transition right now and I feel as though the Lord is taking me through the wilderness—refiner’s fire so to speak. I am not alone, necessarily, but I feel as though the Lord is isolating me as to manifest more intimacy with Him. The people around me are all still very present in my life and even right there with me on so many levels, but in a very real way, the Lord is isolating me in order to draw me into intimacy with Him. He told me as such at the beginning of the semester, “I am taking you into the desert and will speak tenderly to you.” (Hosea) I sense that season of discovering greater intimacy and know that such a statement is coming to pass. Things have piled high, suffocating me to the point of utter desperation for Him.

Reading through the Old Testament, my understanding and even relation with the Father has become much deeper and rich. My God who reigns, who is powerful, almighty, deserving of all glory, sitting on a throne, holy and righteous…this is the God I am finally coming to know more fully and revere and respect and even fear. If not for Jesus, I would have no place standing before my God. Jesus is my covering, my water that cleanses me, my food that satisfies my hunger…He is the one who tore the veil, opening up communication to the Father. I am beginning to understand what it means to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. It has nothing to do with working your way to heaven. But it does have everything to do with walking upright and living a holy life filled with reverence for our King of kings.

A strange thing transition is….indeed, I find myself in a bittersweet place as I do love new things—I am full of curiosity and adventure—but on the other hand I am loyal and feel unsettled as the change comes about. This season of transition and wilderness is approaching—in fact it has arrived, and still I have yet to walk through the thick of it all. With student teaching coming up I find myself at the fork in the road, that precipice of the end of one road only to find the beginning of another. Though I may end up in Houston for a semester, as it seems may be the case, I know that I shall return for an indefinite period of time. He has told me to wait before being sent out. This is my home, my sending ground. A prophecy spoken over me last Fall: “Your mission field is closer than you think. Though the Lord knows you have a heart to go overseas, He has a lot of work for you to do here.” A prophecy that confirmed everything I had been hearing from Him for the past 6-8 months. Just recently He gave me a verse: Acts 1:4 “On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: ‘Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about.’” This verse confirmed my feelings of staying around for a few years. God is doing amazing things here and I know that He’s bringing revival. I want to wait for it…to wait for the inflow of the Holy Spirit, so that I am filled to the brim and overflowing before I am sent forward. Where I’ll go next…IHOP, overseas, up North, church plant….who knows…in time the Lord shall reveal that to me.

My ministry has begun to transition as well…I am moving from student to teacher—a scary but necessary and timely thing. Ministering to college students will move aside as my priority will be my profession—my primary ministry will become teaching. I will walk in faith while teaching children and pouring into their lives. I am not sure what all my ministry will look like…the Lord works in seasons and I cannot settle for comfort…I cannot settle for the American way…I cannot settle for a mediocre life…I cannot settle for the traditional way… My heart for the lost, for the poor, the homeless, helping people walk in the freedom of Christ, healing and deliverance, the world, my family, discipling women, street evangelism, inner city schools, music, writing, art, cultures…only patience and guidance from the Lord will reveal such things in time. What is amazing is that by trusting Him, I know that I do not have to worry about what I will be doing and when because He will orchestrate everything beautifully. He knows my heart more than I do and I can trust Him completely with that.

While grappling with singleness, I was realizing that this is another area the Lord has isolated me in to a degree. Most of my dearest and closest friends are in serious relationships—many just coming to pass this last Fall. One night while I was wrestling through contentment in singleness, I refused to read in the Word. He kept telling me, “Just read, Dyanne. Read my Word.” I journaled instead and then avoided everything by making some phone calls. When I was still unsettled, I heard Him speak again, “Read.” “But God, I don’t want to read in Numbers.” He gently said, “Then don’t.” “Okay.” So I opened up my Bible and skipped over Numbers, where I am currently studying, and instead the Lord directed me to:

Deuteronomy 31:1-4 “Listen, O heavens, and I will speak; hear, O earth, the words of my mouth. Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants. I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.”

He prepared my heart to listen to His words. Then he led me to:

Isaiah 54:5 “For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name.”

He spoke directly to my area of longing and even insecurity…my desire for a husband. Then He continued:

Lamentations 3:22-33 “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.’”

He spoke so clearly to me with compassion and understanding…yet commanding me to continue waiting in patience and to bare this yoke of singleness while I am young. Instead of keeping it as a burden, I can receive it as a gift for this season. My heart soaked up His love…He poured into me deeply.

Another verse that He has given me is:

Deuteronomy 29:29 “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.” Last semester someone spoke over a few of us saying, “You are going to have milk and honey on your lips.”

Honey can be influential and truth to people’s hearts…sweet words and revelation…milk and honey is also fertile land/soil. God will be on our lips: the proclamation of truth will be on our lips. I have seen this come to pass in my relationships already. Milk is very soothing and nourishing— you must crave pure spiritual milk. Milk is like the holy spirit’s nurture and honey is like God’s nurture. Nourishment and desert if you will. The Lord has been giving me so many revelations and especially as I’ve been reading in Numbers.

Numbers 14 struck me the other day as I was reading: The Lord does not like grumbling and complaining…He calls us to be thankful and to go to Him with our concerns and complaints. Moses went to God with his complaints and the Lord blessed him. However, the Israelites grumbled to themselves and others instead of calling on God and did not trust God for their deliverance or provision. Instead, “All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, ‘If only we had died in the Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword?...” (vs. 14:2) Later in that chapter the Lord proclaims, “How long will this wicked community grumble against me? I have heard the complaints of these grumbling Israelites. So tell them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Lord, I will do to you the very things I heard you say: In this desert your bodies will fall—every one of you twenty years old or more who was counted in the census and who has grumbled against me. Not one of you will enter the land I swore with uplifted hand to make your home…” (vs. 14:27-29)

The Lord revealed to me that He takes grumbling and complaining very seriously. He desires us to go to Him with our problems and to not go behind his back and become bitter, grumbling. I have noticed this but it all came together with this verse. It made more sense to me as to why some people continue to have awful things happen to them. Words are powerful and when we speak things over ourselves and others, the Lord hears them all. In the spiritual realm words are powerful—they can either bring life and blessing or death and curse.

I was thinking on people in life who complain constantly and it is as if a dark cloud hovers over them…I can see it in my own life before I was a believer. I was so negative and complained all the time and spoke negative things over my life all the time. My life did continue to have negative things happen as if I had “bad luck.” But it’s not about bad luck or good luck…it’s about having the Lord’s blessing and having His favor and protection in your life or not. When I received Christ and started praying with a thankful heart, my life changed tremendously. A principle of the Kingdom is thankfulness. God spoke and there was life. Words are powerful. Don’t disregard your speech and thoughts. Are you speaking blessings or curses over your life and others’ lives? This is the question that I have been pondering and wrestling with.

When I pray in faith knowing that He will provide for me He does. By His grace He even blesses me and provides for me when I don’t pray in faith. But I also know that sometimes the Lord pours and pours and pours (like with the Israelites) and finally he says, “Not one of the men who saw my glory and the miraculous signs I performed in Egypt and in the desert but who disobeyed me and tested me ten times—not one of them will ever see the land…” (vs. 14:22-23) He is a caring parent, so He disciplines. He draws a line and does correct, rebuke, punish, and refine. When we continue to reject Him and talk against Him then He allows the things we speak out to come to pass. But through these things He uses them to our benefit, like in Hosea 1:6-8 where He says, “Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.’…” He allows things to push us toward Him, drawing us back to Him. So even in His allowance of these things to happen, it is for purpose.

Another passage that has spoken to me greatly is in Ezekiel 16:6-42…read that out loud and you’ll hear the grief and wrath of the Lord…you’ll understand His hurt even more as we constantly reject Him and choose sin and other things over Him.

God’s divine orchestration…Kara has come into my life…as we are kindred spirits, the Lord has been crossing our paths since last Spring. We’d talk on campus and then we both traveled to Monterrey, Mexico. This last Fall we talked on campus and at church…I felt led to go to a conference and then she asked God to show her who to invited and he gave her a dream about me. We’ve been opening up more and more to the Holy Spirit and then some how we both got accepted to the L.T. Jordan Program in the Dominican Republiic! Then…this Spring she needed somewhere to live and was going to stay with us for a month until she signed a lease with Michelle. Well, roadblocks kept coming up so she is now living with us for the entire semester! God is preparing us to be a team to go down to the Dominican Republic. …dude it is craziness. She is in my life for this season and it is beautiful. In many ways she has been a missing puzzle piece as her friendship has mended my friendship with two of my other friends. The Lord is bringing those relationships full circle.

Another crazy thing….this Spring Break I am journeying to Turkey with Alyn. We will be staying in Istanbul where we’ll visit her friend, Sarah, and then we’ll be staying with Gorkem, a Muslim friend of mine who I met at the YMCA of the Rockies! A week before she came to the States someone had given her a Bible and then all summer we ministered to her and now I’m getting to go there with Alyn to visit her! Only God could have orchestrated that! Seriously! So much went into my decision to actually buy a ticket: This all came about so fast and unexpected. To be honest, it still hasn’t sunk in that I am really going over spring break. At the beginning of January I mentioned to Alyn that we should meet up in Qatar or Europe for Spring Break. To my surprise she excitedly agreed with more hopes than I had expected. Due to costs I was only dreaming in a sens…Well, she then mentioned Turkey since she has a missionary friend (Sarah) there. Then I told her about Gorkem, my Muslim friend I met at the YMCA this past summer. We talked about it and I decided to email Gorkem just to see if she’d like to host us. Sure enough, she emailed me back with a very endearing email saying that she had just been thinking about me a few days prior to my email and that she’d love to have us over. She said, “Please, please, please do decide to come.”

I started looking for ticket prices and the cheapest I could find was $768 base price roundtrip. I wrestled for several days…when I went to the Lord about it there was peace but when I thought about what other people would say I would feel condemnation and guilt and shame. Then I’d go to the Lord and say, “I won’t go. Really, I won’t. Just tell me no.” He said nothing and just gave me peace. Then gently said, “Go.” I fought it for about four days—going back and forth, not really trusting Him.

Finally I called Alyn and told her that I’d have to charge the ticket. I expected her to tell me to just not worry about it, but instead she said, “O girl, just charge it. It’ll be okay. I have to charge mine too.” I was not expecting that. So I went back to the Lord and He said, “Go.” I kept trying to talk myself out of it as I didn’t want others to think me unwise with my money.

With much wrestling, I finally decided to trust God. Before I knew if my loan would go through, I chose to step out in faith. I purchased the ticket and as I did, I prayed, “Lord, may this be a trip of faith. A trip like Montana and even more! May this be a testimony of your provision and glory.” Then it was done and I had a ticket to Turkey.

Later I questioned my decision and God gave me peace. I told Sarah that she was probably going to have to rebuke me but instead she encouraged me. She told me that, for one, I got a super deal on my ticket, and two, she said how this was going to be a real blessing for both me and Alyn—and a ministry opportunity with Gorkem. She said how Alyn will lay down everything for close friends and family and that Alyn is worth the cost of that ticket.

Then the following day I talked to Kara…she addressed the issues I had with people judging me: “Dyanne, no one has a right to judge you. Your decision is between you and God. This is sort of like your own make-shift mission trip. If you would have gone to Mexico over Spring Break, it would have cost the same amount. You aren’t going to just go to have a good time and drink margaritas. That’s not your heart. You see everything as a missions opportunity. That’s even your heart for the Dominican Republic. No one has a right to judge that. And this trip is not just for Gorkem but also for you and Alyn. It will be a reprieve and a time to lift each other up. Alyin is like your spiritual mother and just like you would fly to go see your family you are going to see her. You are not unwise with your money. You are stepping out in faith and people don’t have a right to judge that.”

Then I talked to Nicole and she said, “It’s like a gift from your Father. This is a gift to you. He wants to give you this trip. I think it’s cool to see how even while you wrestled and debated, not fully trusting Him to buy the ticket, He didn’t waiver. He didn’t revoke the gift, and He even kept the price from going up during the days you wrestled with it.” I went and checked the ticket prices on Wednesday after I bought it on Tuesday night and sure enough, the base price of the ticket had gone from $768 to $903!!! That was the Lord holding the price for me!

God even showed me that He had not wanted me to go to Taiwan because He wanted to send me out over Spring Break. Had I gone to Taiwan, a lot of the ministry with my family would not have come to pass! Wow, the Lord is amazing!

Recently He has been showing me that this trip to Turkey will either be a burden or a gift, depending on how I receive it. Due to the financial burden of it, I must trust Him with great faith and rely on Him for provision. If I choose to trust Him with all the details of the trip, the logistics, and the financial aspect--giving Him all my burdens, then it will most certainly be a gift. However, if I keep harboring these burdens of all the details of the trip and do not trust Him and go in faith, then this trip will not be like a gift but rather a burden. Through this gift, He desires to grow my faith and trust in Him. By His grace it is a gift and I will receive it as such. Selah! Luke 11:11-13 "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" The Father gives good gifts!

God even showed me that He had not wanted me to go to Taiwan because He wanted to send me out over Spring Break. Had I gone to Taiwan, a lot of the ministry with my family would not have come to pass! Wow, the Lord is amazing!

The semester has begun, and thus, a new season in life…a time of wilderness with the Lord…to die quietly to self and grow in intimacy with Him. Through this wilderness He will show me my inheritance for the next season.

Big God

We are not promised a single day, nor is our time to leave this life known to us. As I pass through I pray that I can be someone who touches people in a deep way, impacting them for eternity. I want to be known for the light I have in me--not my successes, not my achievements nor my determination and talents, nor my niceness and sweetness, but for the light that radiates out of me due to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He is my all, my everything. He is what gives me Life.

Flipping through some photo albumns from high school and little notes people wrote, I realize that this life is so fleeting. Touched by the memories and the people who've impacted my life and character, I realized that I want to be a woman of impact. I suppose I've always desired this, but now that I have the Lord in my life, this desire resides in me with an even greater ferver and passion. Someone recently told me, "You're a person who walks through life touching people as you go." This blessed me as I desire to shed light in people's lives, letting them know the greater One and the greater Life.

It's funny because I have no idea who reads this blog, and quite frankly, I'd be okay if no one read it or if even just one person read it. Maybe people who knew me in high school read this and maybe not... either way, I can testify that the Lord has changed my life completely. There is a real God who is intimately involved with our lives and desires relationship with us. It's not until we humble ourselves and quiet ourselves long enough to hear Him that we realize He's there and has been all along. It's not about meditating and taking your mind off everything. It's not about looking within and finding the god in you. (I've already been down that path to a deadend) It's not about success, money, power, self. It's not about being good and trying your best. It's about a relationship with our Creator and allwoing Him to transform us and give us a heart like His. It's about knowing Him and making Him known.

It would be arrogant to think that you could figure out God in this lifetime. He is so big (for lack of a better word) that we will be discovering who He is for all eternity as we are in relation with Him. However, He has given us His Word and His Holy Spirit which reveals who He is.

Lord, may we humble ourselves before you. May I die to myself... may I decrease and You increase!

Deuteronomy 29:29 "The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law."

Job 11:7 "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?"

Daniel 2:47 "The king said to Daniel, 'Surely your God is the God of gods and the Lord of kings and a revealer of mysteries, for you were able to reveal this mystery.'"

John 14:26 "But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."