Buzzing Crowd

3.3.2006

Today I experienced what I would call a mild degree of a panic attack. Never had one before--just to clarify. It went sort of like this: Driving to school I started becoming short of breath. Realizing that I was very apprehensive about giving my speech today, I started praying, "Lord what is this? Usually I am at peace about things like this...and have at least never been this stressed." My blood felt like it was racing and I'm pretty sure my heart beat was unusually high. Even now, talking of it makes my breath shallow once more. Walking to class, I started singing praise songs, renouncing this attack. What was it? Where did it come from? Why? Was it a spiritual attack? Was it something God wanted me to experience? Was it ligitimate in that I was not relying on God, so I was freaking out? I felt very scatter-brained and unprepared. I was fourth to give my speech and by now, I was feeling very uneasy--shallow breathing, fast heart beat, the whole drama. I can't remember going through something like this since before I knew the Lord. And never to this extent of not being able to breath. Region Band and flute auditions were always a traumatic experience but I can't ever remember not being able to breathe. I raced through my speech. Blanking out a couple times, losing my spot. To the class I seemed mostly calm and delivered an effective speech. But the drama going on inside proved ridiculous. At the end of my speech I felt as if I had run a marathon, out of breath and exhausted. A little dumbfounded.

...This all reminds me a little of something I wrote at the beginning stages of my walk with the Lord:

Clinching my teeth, the pace of my heart hastened as I jerked to capture the glass I nearly lost to the kitchen tile. As if reminders to slow down, spontaneous moments such as these keep me from neglecting what matters most: the Life. As the hands of time pursue their endless journey, the reality of what remains true and worthwhile becomes transparent. For so long I lived in a rush, a hurry to do everything, out of breath and dumbfounded by my own clouded paradigms. With the blink of an eye, I was slapped with the hand of reality as my world was turned upside down; my grandfather passed away, shortly followed by the end to my two and a half year relationship. My whole perception of life came into focus, and the clouds that had once obstructed my view evaporated....At age eighteen, several life-changing experiences and accomplishments have woken me from my slumber just in time to catch the glass before it shattered. With the grace of God, I have been given another chance to approach life in a different, more effective and appreciative way--with purpose.

Thank you, Jesus, for changing my life and transforming me! I am a work in progress, no doubt.

Even as I went to work, my breath stayed shallow. Praying over this and talking through this with a friend, I realized that God allowed me to experience such an attack partly on behalf of some friends who struggle with panic attacks. Never really experiencing one, I could not relate. Having had a mild one, I now understand the serverity of them. They hinder you in ways you wouldn't imagine. Part of being an intercessor is sharing the other person's burden. God definitely allowed me to bear this burden of panic attacks. Lord, we bind any spirit of anxiety and cast it off of us! In the name of Jesus! Lord bring your peace and cover us in your blood. In the name of Jesus, we declare freedom from all attacks of satan. Send your angels of protection! Amen!

After work tonight I met up with Macie and Rachel at Jason's Deli--my first time to go there, ever! I was quite impressed actually. And, there's free icecream at the end! O, o pick me, I want some icecream! I was realizing how much I like being frugal--it helps me to really appreciate things more when I have the privilege of enjoying them! It was packed tonight-- I suppose I enjoy the more relaxing environment with a slower pace (not to say I can't enjoy the fast paced craziness of a crowd but I prefer the more laid back atmosphere). With that, the buzzing of the crowd wore me out. I called it a night and headed home. We debated over what to do, but laying out a pallet of blankets and pillows, watching a good movie sounded much more appealing to me than a night out around town--at least tonight. So now I am journaling, waiting for Sarah to arrive. We're planning to watch The Shawshank Redemption on our TV that's way too small to see!

I ran into Mark the other day at the church office and we ended up having a good "God conversation" as usual. Something that we came to conclude--which I had never really considered until then--was that our flesh has a great tendency to enjoy suffering, both physically and emotionally. Have you ever caught yourself thinking, even for a brief moment, while you were getting sick that you actually wanted to get sick-- for whatever reason (maybe so that someone will care for you and feel sorry for you or to just lay in bed for days)??? Or how about the times we find ourselves wanting to chew on the past and dwell in self-pity and grieve over the same thing we've grieved over a hundred times already?? There is some truth to this, so don't blow it off. You'll notice now if you haven't already. The flesh enjoys suffering.

Moonlight glowed on her face. Only a sliver tonight--a treasure cat smile. A cheesy grin but a romance from the Creator, beckoning us to His side. Clear skys save the moonlit wisps still lingering from the day, settling in for the night. Crickets chime away, singing for their mate to appear. A soft drone of the day silently echos, reinforcing the longevity of each day, yet the fading season forcasts the brevity of life. Flowers bloom and the cold moves out. The mark of another beginning. And the tides begin to change.