rambling thoughts; efforts to get back into writing; nothing profound tonight.

Running tonight, I was thinking on the way the seasons change and how easily I seem to be affected by the weather-- not something I'm particularly happy about but I've noticed how long winters with little sunlight really do bring a limp in my step.

Recently the warm air and sunshine have been seeping deep into me and I've been finding myself a lot more comfortable in my skin, as though something awakened in me that has been hiding away these past 9 months in Korea. Or, perhaps it's the time factor... growing friendships, the knowledge that I'll have a trip home soon, or it could even simply be that I've finally satiated (for a time) my hunger for the arts after our pottery throwing lock-in. Whatever it may be, I am beginning to feel more comfortable with myself in this foreign land. (This is not to say that I haven't enjoyed my time here because I have certainly loved being here and I'm glad that I will have longer to explore this land and people.)

Like running, writing is an exercise and when out of practice it shows. I've found myself writing less and less these days. Being an adult with a full time job and other responsibilities, I have forsaken my love of writing. I desperately want to get back in the habit of writing each week.

I suppose that it makes it harder being a worker, as my most creative times tend in the wee hours of the night and into dawn when the street lights fade with the rising sun.

Maybe it's the silence. The feeling of being left alone to sort out my thoughts. The feeling of being intimately wrapped up in my Lord's arms. The soft breeze that accompanies the settling dew. It's a time when I can evade the world and draw nearer to the Lord in a more real way. Not the way I do in daily life. No, a real drawing near. No interruptions, save the passing yawns that make my eyes water so I cannot read what I am writing.

Spring in Korea never came and it seems that summer is hear already. I miss Texas springs. I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of Korea's weather. It's either rainy and hot or way too cold for way too long with gray skies. It's just depressing. So, days like today, I treasure! Though the sun was already setting when I left work, I went out to run by the river that stretches through this part of the city. It's so beautiful down there. I like to run past the buildings 'til I get to a clearing where I can see the mountains which are now covered with lush greenery. I think that deep down I might be a tree hugger as I just can't stand being in a place without trees and beautiful terrain. Maybe that's why I love the mountains so much, especially the Rockies. Even in the winter the ferns are still green. However, I do have a friend that thinks the Rockies are rugged and ugly. I suppose the ruggedness is something I find attractive. Something about their ruggedness is alluring-- it's untouchable and foreboding, yet beckoning. I think God is kind of like that. Beautiful and yet frighteningly powerful. You are drawn in but know that you must respect Him. In the same way, you must respect the mountains or you might find yourself a victim to their uncontrollable power of being. It's just how they are. ...I still can't think of a more beautiful place than Glacier National Park in Montana.

It's ten tonight and I know that I should go to bed soon, but I don't want to. I can't seem to break my habit of staying up late. If I ever want time to myself then I have to stay up late-- after school and meeting with people. I just had an orange and some tomatoes. I can't get over how expensive fruits and veggies are in Korea. Back in Texas I would always buy so much fruit and vegetables. I'm not a vegetarian, but I love eating healthy. I'm a sucker for a medium-well steak, don't get me wrong. Korean food is pretty healthy overall, minus the MSG that plagues almost all food you eat in restaurants. However, having the genes from my mother, I can't take in as much rice as a Korean otherwise it just all likes to stay around if you know what I mean. I have to really watch my carb intake here in Korea. Back home I liked to eat the whole wheats and steer clear of empty carbs, but here it's really hard to do that and quite frankly I haven't seen any whole wheat bread (though I haven't been to the Costco). Living with a nutrition major and other health conscious roommates, I learned how to eat more healthily but I think that I have lost some of that discipline being in the city and surrounded by new foods along with unhealhty comfort foods. It's funny how being in a foreign country can cause simple things to some how become more complicated-- like buying food. I now understand why the foreigners refused to eat food at the 'Y' in Estes Park. They'd rather starve themselves than eat all that processed food. Living overseas I can now understand as most other countries use fresh foods. I miss Latin America for that reason. I used to get freshly cut fruit on my way home from work in the DR. Wow, I miss Latin America. I hope that one day I'll be back there for a more extended time and finish learning Spanish. That is a dream of mine.

I found some more stuff in the trash last night. On my way home I found a cool picture frame and a big picture of some movie I've never heard of: French Kiss. It's got a sweet picture of Meg Ryan and some guy dancing. Anyway, I figured that I could put another picture in the frame or if I get tired of it I'll just stick it back in the trash. There aren't really thrift stores here in Korea which I terribly miss! Colorado and Michigan had the best thrift stores. I miss the $1 bag days in Estes. Never could I force more stuff into one bag than on dollar bag days. I remember when Nicole got a ski jacket and ski pants for one buck. What a deal! Can't beat that with a stick as my dad would say. I don't understand why some people won't wear anything that's not brand new. People give me a hard time when I get stuff from thrift stores or the trash, but hey, if it's usable and in decent quality, why not? Helping the world out, recycling and saving a few bucks.

I'm looking at my Nikon d40 and thinking that I should probably just download the manual on line and figure out the cool functions of this camera. I mean, really, it's way more advanced that I am.

I haven't talked to my sister in so long and she's had a baby already...I just can't believe how fast we all grow up and how fast this life flies by. It's funny how we all just go our own ways and live our own lives. I never would have dreamed that she'd be in England, married and with a baby while I'm away in Korea and my parents are back home. It's just so crazy! We really have become quite a globalized people.

They came and vanished
Cherry Blossoms, sweet Spring snow
A tease, here and gone.

I could not believe how quickly the Cherry Blossoms came and then one day they were all dead or blown away. They were beautiful for about 2 weeks (if that).... like a gentle snow in the Spring as the wind blew their petals through the air. Lovely.

You know, in Korea you build up a tolerance and endurance to ruthless stares. I mean, I have never in my life been stared at by more sets of eyes than in Korea. You'd think I was out of a zoo or something. At first I thought maybe it's 'cuz I clearly looked helpless and lost, but now that I generally know what I'm doing (unless it's new terrain) I find that the stares continue. I've sort of gotten used to it. It's more of how to respond that I don't know... sometimes I ignore it, other times I smile just to make them feel awkward (since Koreans never smile to strangers unless they're Korean-American) or I stare back at them with the same intensity of curiosity. It's like we're both different creatures or something. It really bothers me sometimes and other times I just let it go. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much other than maybe it's 'cuz I feel a little violated with these glaring eyes that follow me as I move. My friend, Alyssa, told me how once she saw a woman drop something so she kindly picked it up and handed it to the woman. Upon such a gesture, the woman seemed to have had an 'aha' moment and realized that Alyssa was human, too, with feelings. It really depends on who you run into in this place. I've had some very odd encounters and some really genuine crossings. I love the little market I go to by my house. The people are always really friendly and help me get the cheaper fruit. One man even gives me free samples sometimes to try and persuade me of the latest shipment.

Living in the city has definitely given me an appreciation for the countryside...even more so than I had before. I have always been a child of nature (not to be blasphemous of course, haha). I often feel as though the endless sky scrapers are going to suffocate me. Thankfully Korea is blanketed with mountains which weave in and out of the roads and buildings. I am hoping that I can find some other campers soon and go camping in June or in August when I return. If I didn't feel a call to ministry then I'd most certainly be living somewhere in the mountains probably near a beach as well so maybe the West coast, though I could handle Colorado or some other beautiful place as well. Maybe one day my call will be somewhere like that! Being in Seoul has definitely allowed me to search out beauty with more vigor. I'm thankful for the flowers that are planted around the city and the backdrop of mountains mingling with the tall man-made structures.

I think that I realized a few nights ago that this city never sleeps. Never. People were out and about all night long and when we left at 5:30 am people were up all around the city. It's not like in good ol' College Station where the roads are completely empty after 2am or so, especially into Bryan away from campus. I miss those nights of driving home on an empty highway with the occasional headlight beaming at you as it passes in the opposite direction.

I think that recently I've been understanding why my step-mom always talks about her college days and how much she loved that time. Now about a year and a half out of college, I realize how much I miss that life. Not the stress of testing and cramming but definitely the atmosphere and lifestyle of college... I walked on a few campuses here in Seoul and it was definitely a bittersweet feeling. I couldn't help but be a little envious of the students, knowing that they still have so many great memories to make, so many great experiences and believe it or not, free time. The mingling of finding oneself and following the flow of life. There is so much growth to be done in those years-- pivotal years that do really help to set the course of your life. I'm so glad for Jesus. he so wonderfully interrupted my life. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

I was just talking with a friend the other night about how I wished that I would have had enough guts to be an arts major. However, I never had enough courage to do something that I would have really loved because it didn't' seem practical enough. In the end, I am happy with teaching and know that it's a calling on my life... and yet I can't help but long to take some classes in photography, art, music, writing, pottery, etc. Maybe some cool history or English classes... sadly my major didn't allow for any electives and I had to take 5 maths and 4 sciences...not my cup of tea! I also wanted to meddle in International Studies and maybe focus on the Middle East or Latin America. I suppose I can always go back to school one day... who knows. I do know that the Lord told me to get a teaching degree and that teaching would be my passport... and look who's teaching overseas! ^.^ In the end, I am pleased with how the Lord has led my life. I can rest and trust Him with my future as well.

I'm listening to a song called, "Traveling Light" by Luke Brindley and I think of how I am always so torn between living freely and living captive-- captive to responsibility and call. And yet, in Christ I am more free than ever, traveling light in a different sense. I still have urges to just go and travel. I've got the traveling bug in me and can't deny it. I wanna get out of the city and see some more of Korea. I wish that I could some how just speak Korean. I know that God downloads languages to people, and I believe that if He wanted to, He could give me Korean. Norberto received English suddenly. That's just so cool! Anyway, I'm glad that I'll be in Korea longer than one year so that I can really establish myself here more and continue allowing God to work in my life and use me in whatever ways He desires. I've been praying about North Korea, but I have no real conclusion about that right now, so right now I'm pleased to know that Korea is a training ground for me and then God will show me the next step in time whether I stay longer or move on from here. Secretly, I want to go to Latin America (or maybe not so secretly).

I've also considered Cali -- going out to Bill Johnson's school in Redding. I'd love to go have some hard core training and by then I hope to have my loans paid off-- debt free and ready to 'go'.

I don't ever know where to focus my attention sometimes... I want more time to play flute, to write, to soak up the Word, to brush up on teaching techniques, to spend time with friends, to visit family... it's times like that I wish I were more choleric by nature. Roy was pointing out to me the the other day that our personality temperament is the laziest of them all because the melancholy-phlegmatic sways from being a perfectionist and not getting anything done to the lazy phlegmatic. With Jesus there is hope! That's all I got to say!

"the edges are torn and the sky is hazy" so i press into prayer and keep asking God about my future. I'm excited because my life has been 100x more interesting since I've known the Lord and I know that He has great plans...

You know I wish that we could all just burn the disguises that we put on. I mean, especially since I've been in Korea I feel that way as everyone tries to blend in. No matter what I do I'll stick out, which doesn't bother me so much, but I am bothered a bit by the all-consuming need to be the same. I find that it really does feel oppressive at times. I suppose I'm glad that I'm not Korean in the sense that I automatically am excused from that expectation. Though, I do find that when I dress down, I feel a little less at ease. If I could wear linen and flip flops everyday I would. And in college, I did wear flip flops just about everyday-- even through Texas winter sometimes, which isn't much of a winter at all. I always wanted to live somewhere where the leaves change colors and the seasons shift... Korea seems to have a really short Fall and a nonexistent Spring. In that case, I'll take Texas weather. You know, you don't really know what you have until you leave or have it taken away from you. I never knew I was so proud to be a Texan until I started traveling. I remember returning from the DR and I never was happier to hear someone say in a Texan accent not to mention, "Welcome back to the United States of America." and then to drive through the open roads of Texas, quiet and beckoning. No matter where God takes me, I know that Texas will always be dear to my heart. It is my homeland away from Heaven.

I finally buckled and just bought a pair of new running shoes. I waited four years even though "they" with a capital 'T' say that you should have two pairs and rotate, not using a pair of running shoes more than six months. Heh, I suppose I violated that rule big time. My friend Aimee came with me to Samsung Plaza which was recently renamed.. I was so shocked that I didn't even remember the new name; of course, I'm no good for remembering names, anyhow. I did find a pair of glove-fit running shoes. They have pink on them and I was hesitant to wear them because I'm not a pink kinda girl. Aimee was like a sales person and kept showing me shoes and trying to persuade me of their worth. She somehow convinced me to branch out and just buy the shoes since they were good shoes, cheaper than others and hey, they didn't scream, 'girly' but instead, 'I am woman, hear me roar.' With that, sold. Not that I am a feminist (or I try not to be these days), but I also am not a girly-girl. I like to play in the mud, go camping, catch bugs, and play video games (but only old school like mario kart). so, I bought the shoes and they have been a good fit for me and yes, the pink has grown on me. I suppose that when I branched out to own some pink tops I should have known that eventually I'd have shoes with pink, too. Now, if you ask me to go as far as the Koreans and wear heals everyday, even unto hiking and the beach, forget it.

I love the smell of rain and as the warm weather has brought the showers of rain, I find myself remembering my first days in Korea. The smell, so familiar, as I came during the rainy season. The rivers of floating umbrellas that sail along the sidewalks and streets... the earthy smell as the dirt in the city is washed away... the clearing of pollution in the sky-- leaving clear skies when the clouds pass... the hushed city beats on during the rain.

A bunch of us from church and a few new faces headed out to Hongik University the other night to have an all night affair with art and the pottery wheel. I found myself really loving it, the mud under my fingernails and the gritty feeling of clay between my fingers... it took me back to the days of gardening as a child and some in my college days. I miss having a backyard to dig in; the best I can do is keep some mint and rosemary in my classroom and an ivy at home. :) The clay melded with my hands and I knew that this is something that I should have done years ago. I am envious of people who can make masterpieces, though I know that their skill has taken time to attain. I hope that I have another opportunity to stand in as the potter.

I will confess. I've been in Korea for 9 months and I haven't sent any postcards home. I feel terrible for this so I think that I better send them soon so that they make it home before I do. I find myself not feeling like Korea is that foreign as it is so globalized and westernized. And yet, other times I know, without a doubt, that this land is absolutely foreign to me. Mostly that feeling comes when I am faced with some blatant cultural difference or unlikely happening except that I'm in Korea and that's what happens here. I find some things so funny. I was passing the cross way today on my way back to work after getting coffee on my lunch break to be entertained by the sight of a bus driver getting out and smoking during the red light. I mean, I suppose it's not that weird to me anymore but I remember that the first time I saw a bus driver leaned up against his bus in the center of the four way intersection six lanes wide, puffing on a cigarette and waiting out the red light, I couldn't help but laugh and think, "What the heck is that driver doing?" That just wouldn't pass in Texas. However, the road rules here are definitely not the worst I've seen. DR was probably 10x worse! and the Middle East...

O, I wanna have a night out barefoot on the grass, dancin' to some acoustic folk. Just sayin'.

You know, I've talked a lot about things I miss and things that are hard in Korea, but I have to say that if I were leaving Korea for good in July, I would miss this place terribly. My friends, the food, public transportation, walking everywhere, and yes, even the city life--as much as I dog on it. This is a season and I am loving it. God has been good to me. Korea is a lonely place for a foreigner but God has given me some great people to connect with. That I am so thankful for. Truly. In some ways, I am falling in love with this land. I think that if you're somewhere long enough you inevitably grow a fondness for the place. It intertwines with you and your memory so that you can no longer look at it from outside of that personal encounter. It's like Houston. I hate that city, but it carries a dear song to me-- a song that tells my heart of so many rhythms I once danced to hand in hand with the land in that all too humid and busy city. Seoul, the city that never sleeps, has definitely been singing a song to me-- one I cannot quite sing with yet, but find myself moving to-- it will be all too soon before I am singing the song of Seoul.

This is not a culture that embraces you. Rather, you must forcefully impose yourself or you will never grow to love this land, or so that is how I can explain my experience. I am used to the warm culture of Texas and Latin America. Or even the inviting cultures of the Muslims and Africa. The culture in Korea is definitely different from my previous cultural experiences. So, I reach out and force myself upon the culture. In doing so, I've found myself to grow into a fondness for the people and land. It's taking some time, but it also took me three months of eating kimchi everyday before I actually liked it. Now, I can't get enough. Or coffee for that matter...it took me two overseas trips to Latin America and living with Kara who couldn't get by without having a cup of coffee each day before I could say that I liked coffee. An acquired taste. Now, I LOVE coffee and even like to drink it black. ...Yes, to me, this culture is an acquired taste. It's growing on me. And I'm finding myself quite at home in many ways.

I found the coolest coffee shop ever! Of course, it reminds me of Costa Rica. It would. It's at Apujeoung exit 6 and is real quaint and cozy. There is real ivy hung up around the lil' shop and a coffee bean factory machine (not sure of the name) with coffee beans spilling out over the top onto the floor. They import REAL coffee from Latin America and it's freshly brewed right there. It's amazing. I wish I lived closer; then again, if I did I might become addicted to coffee again. I've steered clear of that addiction. I drink it every now and then and get the shakes. I have to make sure that the caffeine works when I really need it so I make sure I don't get addicted. Plus I hate the headaches that accompany the addiction and I don't like being dependent on anything like that. While I lived in DR I had black coffee every morning...coming off that gave me a lot of headahces! oh do I miss the fresh coffee there!

I could really go for some humus right now. I think that'll be my next project: making humus in Korea. Nothing better than homemade humus and pita bread! mmmboy! My mouth is watering already! I miss middle eastern food for sure! I love to visit Iteawon just for the food! There are a lot of Turks there and I can never get enough of Turkish food or the people!

I'm going to be returning home in July and I plan to get rid of most of my possessions save a few (well a lot) of pictures and videos and some little sentimental things. I think that I'll take pictures of some things I can just get rid of that way I can remember. My friend, David, who is also really sentimental told me that he did that when he married Kara because she doesn't like to keep anything as much as a spare piece of paper. Staying in Korea has been a good incentive to finally do the unthinkable: get rid of all my junk! And boy, do I have a lot! As Benji said, it is no "one-man operation." So much for being resourceful and a pack rat. It's only brought me more burden. I'm hoping to give away a lot of stuff and maybe sell a few pieces for some extra cash. I'm a little nervous since my time home will be so short but I know that this needs to be done. My dad used to say, "Denny, you're room is going to fall through to the first floor." I'd laugh, and then he'd say in a serious tone, "I'm not joking." So, I'd laugh harder, partly out of embarrassment. I suppose that I get it from my mom and grandma. They're both pack rats. I think that it's partly being resourceful, partly a fear of not being provided for, and partly a comfort factor as I've always grown up with a lot of stuff around. Even as a kid, I always liked to collect things, even if I never used the stuff. I had all kinds of collections: rocks, trolls, fairy winkles, my little pet shop, disney movies, stuffed animals, stamps, coins, okay...so maybe I slightly had ocd as a child. But I've always liked to collect things and now I collect things and actually use them--not just for the sake of having a collection. As a child I just wanted to preserve everything. However, I have to have a spring cleaning to keep me in check and ditch whatever is not being used on a regular basis. I used to think that it saved me money to have so much stuff, and granted it does, but in the end it can become a burden--especially now that I'm traveling and don't have a home base anymore. And more than a burden to me I hate having my stuff be a burden to others. I suppose I don't know what to do with some of the stuff I've acquired over the years, such as the stuff I inherited after deaths in the family. With my mom gone and my dad remarried, there's not really anywhere to store the stuff. I've become the protector of pictures and such. Ugh. I just wanna be free from stuff! As I've lived with some women that are less prone to being a pack rat, I've grown to appreciate the simplicity of having nothing. After living in Latin America I found the joy of simplicity as well. Yet, even in Korea I have somehow attained a lot of stuff, even though I have refused to go shopping. I guess that would be the result of trash surfing. Oh, well. I'm excited to rummage once more through my junk and pray that I have it in me to finally get rid of most my stuff--especially if it's sentimental.

You know, I've gone through a lot of healing, but there are still days that something will trigger a brief moment of sadness. A song, a scent, a voice, a laugh, a memory will be jogged by something and I'll think on what my life would be like if my mom were still alive today. You know, I really hate the work of satan and I think that I've really grown to hate how he destroys people, espeically in the case of depression.

After hearing Brother Michael's testimony, I realized that I, too, have a powerful story, but it's not as easy to just say it. With him, I used to be a drug dealer and then I had an encounter with God when an angel pulled me away from a drug deal and nothing has been the same since (or in short, that's his story). I think with my story I have to ease into it a little. I still haven't found a very tactful way in doing this at least without people wanting to console me or feeling bad for me. I think that sometimes I don't share simply becuase I don't want to face people's reactions. You know, I'm not the only one who has lost a parent. Though, suicide is definitely an unnatural death, but with eternity written on our hearts, no death feels natural. It's all the same in some sense.

Finding myself after my mom died took several years and really didn't transpire until I met Jesus. He has gently been wooing this little girl to himself and speaking tenderly to her, wrapping his arms tightly around her as the tears finally surfaced after years of being hardened and nubmed to life. I step back and see how far God has taken me and where He has me and I can't help but praise Him! There's this one Jolie Holland/The Be Good Tanyas song that always makes me think on my mom. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKcQigkBnU4 I actually can't understand what she is saying but it's the sound of the song and the footage of the movie, Fly Away Home. I find myself identifying with the feelings of that girl who lost her mom in the movie. I was that little girl. Or I think on Veta from My Girl. or Corina, Corina. All those movies... I find myself relating to in a very deep, and unspoken manner. Over the years the Lord has been healing me and drawing me out, calling me up into womanhood and into a place of walking as a daughter of the King. It's been a beautiful dance with Him, the whole way, tears and joy mingling together, a tender and bittersweet (but more sweet than bitter) song. I think for me the thing I regret the most is not knowing my mom as an adult. I'll always only know her through the eyes of a child. Knowing that she'll never be around to see me grow up saddens me, but I know that the Lord is taking care of her now just as He is taking care of me. You know, speaking of her death is still surreal to me sometimes. And honestly, when people try to show compassion or feel bad for bringing it up I don't know what to say. It has been almost 12 years and counting. The first six of those years I was shut off to emotion and tears. The latter six the Lord had me on the threshing floor. I find that the waves of grief that come are less intense and farther apart. I would lie to say that I never cry anymore, but I would also be lying if I said that I was not healed and doing well. The Lord is so good. He knows how to meet us in the darkest places and bind up the broken hearted. That song came on my itunes shuffle and led me to thinking about my mom... I like to hear that song and watch the clip from time to time just to remember how far the Lord has brought me.

Spring, or should I say pseudo-spring, has put a skip in my step. As I mentioned before, the weather has really been sinking into my bones and I feel it all throughout. I just wanna go sit in the sun. During my lunch break sometimes I find a bench and sit in the sun for no good reason other than to get my vitamin d and to enjoy the heat as it warms me and brands my skin pink. Back in March I remember feeling as if my humanness was being stripped as I became whiter and whiter. I was becoming ghostly, almost frightening to myself when I would see the undersides of my arms. On one particular day that the sun decided to show its face, I found a bench and I laid down at an angle so that the sun would grip my face. It was cold that day, so I curled up on the bench to keep warm, but I HAD to get some sun. Being in Korea I've felt a little like a vampire at times, hiding away in the warmth of my darkened room or the chains of the workplace. I'm so thankful that the days are longer. For a while the only sun I saw was in the morning on my walk to work because by the time I left it was dark. It's so wonderful to have an hour of sunlight after work...even if it's hidden behind buildings, at least it's still there. That's all that matters to me.

I've been reading up on North Korea and watching documentaries on youtube. Unbelievable. I think that one book I read tormented me a little. Eyes of the Tailless Animals. I can't unravel all my thoughts and feelings about what I am learning and what is going on in that forsaken land. So, I pray. Trying to divulge everything that has been going on in my heart and mind regarding that land would be futile because everything is so fuzzy and mingled with the bitterness of the situation and my emotions as well as a deepening compassion for the people in that land.

I think of my complaints in life and they pale in comparison to what other people are enduring even as I type this out. It puts me to shame and I have to buckle down and repent of my unthankfulness. We have so much to be thankful for.

I am filled with thoughts and things to write, but none of which really need to ever be voiced or heard. After having several nights of little sleep, I need to call it a night check out. I'm not sure when I'll have time again to spill leaky thoughts but hopefully I'll take up the discipline and joy of writing once again. I'm afraid that some of my precious moments in Korea have not been jotted down and may not ever be recovered in my memory. Alas, I must begin the memoirs even if it is in a very scatterbrained fashion.

present-future

i found this quote as a draft from about a year ago...i never finished it or expounded on it.

i needed to read this quote again. of course, it's graham. i love his stuff.

"When God sees you in the future, He begins the process of relating to you now according to how He sees you in the future. ...God links the revelation He's giving you now to the personality He sees you becoming in the future. That's why it's so important that we produce a people that are present-future in their whole persona." --Graham Cooke

it's funny how God's timing works. now that it's been about a year and i've almost finished up my year contract, shy of a few months, i can look back and see how God has been relating to me in so many different and new ways. this has, by far, been a challenging but amazing year of growth and learning. i think that any time the Lord starts to relate to you in a different way it can be hard. i've been feeling around for the ground and not finding it. the sure-footedness (is that even a word?) that i had with the Lord before coming here suddenly became slippery as i stepped into a new season. it seems that he always does that so we may never become comfortable at our current place, spiritually. this uneasiness and slippery slope we are climbing causes us to lean into God even more. we must, or else we may fall. and the higher we go the further down the fall can be. thankfully we have a God of grace!

going deeper always comes with a cost. and it is a cost that we must count (as p. christian preached about this past Sunday). i am finding more and more that this cost will most certainly be painful, but when you do count the stars, it is so worth it. we must constantly remind ourselves of that, otherwise the dreams and visions that God has placed in our hearts can easily be overshadowed by fear.

as i have been praying for a greater vision, i find that fear has been at its utmost. fear of inadequacy. fear of failure. fear of not having the emotional stability for what God might call me to. fear of not hearing the correct call. etc. etc.

i must put these fears aside and refocus my eyes on Jesus. easier said than done. i have to enter that place of peace and rest, for that is where i will behold HIS promises. that is where I will hear HIM. that is where I will inherit all that He has for me. that is where I will be a blessing to others. in that secret place. in that place of rest and absolute contentment in the Lord.

processing all of this has been difficult and, even so, I am finding the whole of it a beautiful experience for me.

o, how He is worthy of trust. o, how He is worthy of confidence.

where else shall my confidence lie but in HIM? whenever i have fear or doubt i know that i have lost my ultimate trust in HIM. after all He has done for me, I wonder how I can so easily lose that trust. i must constantly go back to the cross. the origins of my salvation and new life. the origins of all the good that could ever come into me and through me. the origins of my freedom and a love that seems to seep through to your very DNA.

a season of flourishing coupled with isolation and yet not a desert. it has been the most interesting year of my walk with the Lord, by far. interesting in the sense that i was not on the threshing floor or in a comfortable place. interesting in the fact that in spite of the isolation God has had me flourish. a paradox of sorts. only he could conjure up.

i know that God has placed certain desires in my heart for a reason. shall i squander them out of fear? by His grace, I will not.

but am I willing to count the cost? this is the question that we must all face. it is neither comfortable or inviting. rather, it puts us in a place of stand still. a place where we must choose. a place where we must faithfully obey. faithfully march on. it tests our very being. it purges the realities of our heart. it gropes us in a way that we cannot bear unless we man-up and face it full force. it is not always pretty, but in the distance, the backdrop of stars we can neither count nor even fully imagine await us. hope.

better than hope. a promise. a promise from the best keeper of promises: the Lord Himself.

so, as graham says, we must be present-future people. march on in the identity that God is calling you to. march on in the call that He has summoned you to.

Selah.

The Road or the Whale?

I received a poem from a friend in the ever-so-famous book that my friends back home gave me upon my departure for Korea, and it could not have come in a more timely manner. Joanna prayed over the days in which to put the pages and that they would bless me along my journey as I opened them up... 9 months in and each day that I open is still bringing blessing, revelation, and encouragement.

With that said, I've been thinking about "The Road Not Taken" and the tragedy of Jonah's reluctant heart. I don't want to be swallowed by a whale.

--------------------------

-----------
Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

1. The Road Not Taken


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 20

--------------------------------------------------
Jonah
1 The word of the LORD came to Jonah son of Amittai: 2 "Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me."

3 But Jonah ran away from the LORD and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the LORD.
...
15 Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. 16 At this the men greatly feared the LORD, and they offered a sacrifice to the LORD and made vows to him.

17 But the LORD provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights.
...
10 And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.
...
1 Then the word of the LORD came to Jonah a second time: 2 "Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you."

3 Jonah obeyed the word of the LORD and went to Nineveh.

-----------------------------------------------------

A song from this Psalm has been a comfort and great promise to me. "Twenty Three" by Enter the Worship Circle

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

---------------------------------------------------

When a stirring has begun in you, will you heed the call? or will you need God to send a whale?

New Faces, Old Joys

They waddled in like helpless little ducks and then stood there staring at me with the most frightened look but one of hope--hope that I would some how make everything okay and help them. I stared back at them feeling just about as helpless as them. Deep breath. Give it a go.

I became an actress today, if I had never been one before. Demonstration is key when words cannot be understood.

Slowly we began to create some form of communication and they picked up words quickly--much more quickly than I remember Korean. I'm not sure who has to have more patience: the teacher or the students, as they wait for me to come up with a good way to communicate clearly.

A challenge this will be, but I know how rewarding it always is...

New faces surrounded me, little bodies, different voices, unfamiliar small people, new runny noses to wipe, and a fresh set of hands to hold. Smiles and smiles among the lost eyes. Thankfully the criers were not in my room. Though, some space cadets were present.

Forty-five minutes writing the letter 'A' definitely was a new way to stretch my mind, or perhaps dull my thoughts. There are only so many ways to try and formulate a method of teaching handwriting... I'm hoping that by the time we get to the letter 'Z' we will not need such time to accomplish this task.

I thought today, who's doing the learning? Certainly, I was.

After returning from special activities the kids had made cameras and wanted to take my picture, especially. The title of teacher automatically makes me famous in their eyes. How have I acquired this title anyhow? I have been given so much authority and influence... I think of the little ones that He has entrusted to me and I know that I must be surrendered to HIM.

The bell rang and suddenly I saw a familiar face pop up in the door window. Without thought, tears filled my eyes. My little baby from Kindie is now coming to my afternoon class all grown up. After meshing with strange kids, this little one made my heart jump.

I had to remember that at one point that little treasure was a stranger to me as well. One day these new faces will be dear, familiar loves that have written a smile and song on my heart.

All the trouble, frustration, and strain that sometimes accompany the call of teaching...at the end of the day...it's worth it when I remember the treasures that God has entrusted to me for a time.

The children filled the room and tears filled my eyes. My co-teacher had to leave otherwise we might have flooded the room with our tears. In the meantime, the kids cracked jokes and incessantly cried out, "teacher, teacher, teacher..." I will have five more months with these kiddos and I know that leaving them will be quite difficult.

And yet, another troop will come along. More smiles, laughter, tears, and memories of transformation and metamorphosis as children so quickly grow up right before your eyes.

i need a little more of Jesus in me.

in Korea you can't avoid them. they walk up and down the subways and sit in the stairwells of the subway... in Dominican Republic it was even worse-- okay, way worse. the poverty there was completely heart-wrenching...and to think that just next door a country in even more devastating conditions, laying in ruins... then you hear about places in Africa or Romania, the Philippines, India... there is so much poverty. as well as spiritual dryness and poverty.

reading heidi baker's book is quite moving...i wonder, will it be enough to move me? what will it take for me to be the hands and feet of Jesus? to reach out to the poor like she does? we make all these excuses or we say that we will do it when ______. we get so busy...so busy.

God's heart is for the orphaned and the poor. He restores them.

As my friend Christy Vidrine says, "Anything with a soul will capture your attention if you look deep enough." i love this. I love to hear the stories of others. We all have them. good and bad. i want to know their story and share mine. to share Jesus.

yesterday a women, seeing that i was a foreigner, bent down with her face three inches from mine. my heart sank. i didn't know if i should cry, give her money, pray for her, or slap her. there was this tension. but i wanted to lay my hands on her and pray for her to be healed. the way Jesus did. the way Heidi Baker does. the way Bill Johnson does and Jackie Pullinger...and many others. our Spiritual fathers and mothers have shown us the ways of Jesus as they follow in His footsteps.

i desire to know that intimacy with Jesus. such an intimacy that He flows out of me and heals others. such an intimacy that my own life doesn't matter to me anymore. that i can completely die to myself and live totally surrendered for him.

i seem miles and miles from that place. and yet so close. just an outpouring of his spirit. greater discipline by his grace. stronger character by His molding. come, Lord.

day by day...being faithful...walking with him...trusting Him and believing His promises. already, He has proven so faithful in my life and I do have many, many testimonies to share. He IS "always enough" as Heidi says. but I want to know that even more. the way Patricia King knows. the way Paul knew.

despite the hardships, we shall rejoice. i want to be like Job, who after all was taken, he still cried, "blessed be your name!" the way that Mrs. Scheussler did when her son died. The way that many others are doing in India through the persecution.

i want to have compassion the way Jesus does. i want to take risks the way Keith and Sanna do. the way Norberto does. i want to step out, knowing that HE is enough. Christ is sufficient. i want to remain faithful like so many i know have.

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. is all you need. the Love of God through Jesus.

i want to know His love more, and in return, love more. as I have freely received i want to freely give. (matt 10:8) ...

i have such a long way to go. the dreams in my heart. the desires. i want to see HIS Kingdom come...I want to see more people come to Him with surrendered hearts.

i am messed up. diseased with sin. yes, i know this. that is why i need Jesus. so bad. by His grace He is changing me...it's a long road, but His presence is enough and He really does transform and heal.

i want to have a heart for all. i need more of Jesus and less of me. fill me, Lord. change me.

it seems there are too many. but there are never too many for Jesus. I'm amazed to know that Heidi and Rolland were helping to feed 12,000 after the floods in Mozambique. The disciples fed 5,000.

I desire to see people set free from their bondage. to be free to worship, to receive the love of Christ. the way that my friend Sharon Jaffe has experienced. and LuJean. and so many others i know.

most of all-- i want more of Jesus. the way Mary did as she sat at his feet.

-------------------------
come, as you are. and let the presence of Jesus change you. o how he loves.

------------------------

http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=NI78mF-DzKM

"Hookers and Robbers" Charlie Hall

Crack kids, track kids, hookers and robbers
The naked and hungry, mothers and fathers
Abuses, excuses, and guns in your hands
And I even welcome the arrogant man
I welcome you all to the biggest of feasts
A night of no shame
To pause and to breathe
This is a night of love's renovation
A feast I am sure that could change a whole nation

Me, I am not such an excellent host
I am one who forgives but needs it the most
I found the liar, the killer of hearts
And I ran away with a new way to start
I journeyed a road where a bright man appeared
He looked into me, and my eyes filled with tears
My breath fast and short and my heart burning deep
He gave me new eyes and a new way to see

So come as you are, as you are, as you are
So come as you are, as you are, as you are

I still defiled his great love ways
I felt such a famine when I ran away
I missed the presence, the voice like a song
I was nasty and dirty, I knew I was wrong
But he ran to me like a dream like a father
This love is not earthly this love must be other
He carried me home and threw me a party
A party so loud like the greatest love story
Oh my dear friend applaud now please
I've invited you heart to announce you are free
He takes your chains, busting you out of prison
Just open your heart, let your heart come and listen

Come as you are, as you are, as you are
Come as you are, as you are, as you are

Who could accept all your pounding and screaming
Your raging, your freaking, cussing, and beating
All while He holds you and always forgiving
This is the story of love and of living
Wipe off your tears and laugh just a little
Come break this bread, celebrate the Forgiver
Raise up a glass, a time to remember
Come break this bread, celebrate the Forgiver.

Come as you are, as you are, as you are
Come as you are, as you are, as you are
--------------------

http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=dHwC-TZPm08

"A Little More" Shawn McDonald


Just the other day went walking
Down to the corner and I saw a man
Sitting with a cup in his hand
Saying, "Hey won't you give me something
Won't you give me something to eat?"

I took a look into his eyes and
I saw he had a story to tell
But I walked away with my pockets full, full of change
And I said, "I got nothing for you"

It's time to confess that I need a little more
Jesus inside of me, Jesus inside of me
Don't you see, Jesus was homeless
Walking from city to city
Teaching people how to love
Giving them grace and mercy
Giving them grace and mercy

Now, Jesus was a friend to the friendless
Loving on all the outcasts
Teaching them that there was more
More than what they're living for
More than what they're living for

Don't you see, if you do not learn love
Then you will be completely nothing
You could be absolutely amazing
But you would be nothing

---------------------
this is how i feel sometimes...but then i remember that Jesus sees them all. He is enough. and He is the one who gives me compassion. he is the one who will reach out as i say yes to HIM.

http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=lHBWgC8Xm2s

"The Junkie Song" The Be Good Tanyas

Took a walk in my neighborhood
At 2 in the mornin by the skytrain station
The streets were full of junkies and homeless
And they all wanted somethin
They all wanted somethin

What am I supposed to do?
There are too many of you
too many of you
Yet sometimes I look you in the eye
and say that I too am human
I could easily be you

You know we all hover between apathy and compassion
We fill up all our days with so much distraction
It makes it easier not to see what we dont want to
But we all live here
We all live here
We all live lonely

Took a walk in my neighborhood
At 2 in the mornin by the sky train station
The streets were full of junkies and homeless
And they all wanted somethin
They all wanted somethin

What am I supposed to do?
There are too many of you
too many of you
Yet sometimes I look you in the eye
and say that I too am human

I could easily be you
I could easily be you
I could easily be you
------------------

Korea's Intimacy

She leaned into me with no shame, forbearance, or consideration. Merely, an understood grace and affection extended from both parties surrounding the situation could apply. After being squeezed into the subway train like toothpaste being thrust out of a tube, expecting personal space did not even come as a passing thought.

The vibrations of her voice meshed into my back and seemed to tickle my spine, penetrating to even my chest cavity--an intimacy felt that only should come with my lover. I suppose, that intimacy with an unknown Korean woman on the subway for half an hour lent me a greater appreciation for the wide open spaces of Texas. And yet, a fondness of such intimacy among a culture invaded me with sweetness as I encountered her every breath. Humanity. Life.

Only a smile could rest on my face, knowing that she contained a story—one kept inside her heart. The language barrier kept me silenced, but I wondered about her life.

She carried on in conversation, all the while leaning into me. As we parted ways, I felt the affection and pressure from her body lift. The impression she left was more than that of momentary warmth, but I sensed that as she had leaned into me with intimacy, so had Korea herself. The mark of this land has begun to write a love on my heart. As she presses in, I lean too, allowing the beauty of a land to touch me, penetrating even to my heart.

--------------------------

The city became hushed tonight. White powder fell from the sky and blanketed the land. Treading ground where so many pass, somehow I had the privilege of being the first to step foot on the white laden path. I felt honored, and yet, as if I was violating something precious—a freshly, untouched powdered sidewalk. I stepped lightly, making my way down the path. Peace. Serenity. Now all I needed was a sky full of stars.

I’ve dreamed of living where it snows. Now I know. And, it is all I thought it would be. I couldn’t help but wonder what it’d be like to be away from the city. Thankful for the white carpet which absorbed the noise of the city, I ventured off to enjoy the night with my Creator. His beauty invaded late into the night as He gently sprinkled snow over Korea.

Serious Art

A great book: Dreaming With God
by: Bill Johnson

http://books.google.co.kr/books?id=BhkntN4T-sQC&dq=dreaming+with+god+bill+johnson&printsec=frontcover&source=bl&ots=Kr-SE3PlFN&sig=5NsjLdeBsvTvofq7HANqAuMN8KQ&hl=ko&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=3&ct=result#PPA46,M1

--------------------------

Thanks, Swink, for sharing this article! As Swink said, this is really long-- but well worth it.


---------------------------------

Christians & Serious Art

by R. Wesley Hurd

It should not surprise us that people make and enjoy art of all kinds. After all, our Creator built artful souls and sensibilities into the creatures He made in His image, and, therefore, understanding and liking art in some form is normal for us all. For most people, however, art is limited to decorating their homes and gardens, enjoying music or a good read, or occasionally taking in a serious movie. These common human experiences do not typically lead us to consider ourselves dedicated patrons of the arts; rather, we see our experience and enjoyment of this art as a normal opportunity for personal enrichment or entertainment.

Another kind of involvement in the arts, however, takes us into the world of serious art—art made to portray or explore our biggest ideas, concerns, questions, and visions. Although cultivating a beautiful rose garden can be an amazing work of art for me, my family, and my neighborhood, that artful expression differs from making a painting, a film, a play script, or a piece of music that explores dimensions of human identity and meaning.

Serious art ("fine" or "high" art) is created for the purpose of putting profound ideas, thoughts, and feelings into intelligent and striking forms. It is created to make philosophical statements about the meaning and condition of being human. Even though works of serious art may be playful, comedic, or satirical—that is, creatively produced to explore big questions in humorous or even slapstick ways—yet the creator's motivation remains serious; he or she uses the peculiar power of art to say something vital and important to others. Serious art, then, is message laden.

Challenges for artists

Serious art is about ideas, but it is equally about the quality and integrity of its making. Fine art is finely crafted. Artists who wish to make fine art cannot avoid committing themselves to developing and maturing their craft, which requires years of difficult, focused, and sacrificial effort.

Serious art forms do not appear from nowhere. Each art form or medium has developed within a historical context, which involves a "conversation" among artists within each field. Theater, visual arts, literature, poetry, music, dance, and even modern filmmaking, have histories, traditions, genres, and diverse stylistic approaches with which a serious artmaker must become familiar and attempt to master. Fine artists—just like engineers, scientists, physicians, or other specialists—must commit themselves to learning their profession, to pursuing an education that helps them understand the history of their art form, that lets them practice their craft and technique, and that gives them opportunities for invaluable critique from peers and the more mature artists with whom they study.

Along with committing themselves to education and training in craft, artists who pursue making serious art must also commit themselves to setting aside commercial success as the primary goal of their artmaking. All artists want their work to be experienced by others. Art is made to be seen, heard, or somehow experienced by an audience. But art whose purpose is to delve into the existential meanings of man cannot be created when the maker's primary motivation centers on selling the work. Fine artists, of course, desire to make a living from their work, but they understand the often intangible, constricting influence the commercial market can have on the nature of their art. Artists, students, and patrons of serious art accept this reality.

Making good art is extremely difficult. The aim of making serious art demands the artmaker's highest effort of thought, creativity, and craft, and because this is true, many of the artist's individual works fail to achieve the lofty standards of fine art. The full force of this fact often hits the artist only after years of education and training. Thus, taking on the vocation of artmaker, especially given its financial risks, can be an overwhelmingly intimidating venture.

In addition, though popular arts—rock and pop music and cinema, especially—thrive with wide, often knowledgeable and appreciative audiences, other art forms—poetry, classical music, jazz (the non-smooth variety), and many contemporary visual art forms—enjoy no such widespread popularity. No fame and fortune awaits the overwhelming majority of those pursuing careers in fine art. The artist inevitably agonizes over the question, "Why bother?"

Challenges for Christian artists

For those who understand and believe the biblical gospel, the pursuit of making serious art involves an additional set of difficulties. They face all the above challenges, along with some unique to Christian artists. And although there are no easy answers to these challenges, every believing artist committed to involvement in serious art must deal with them.

Defining faith. Many Christians struggle today with the basic question, "What is Christian faith?" Christians in the arts are no different. Christian artists own a special form of this struggle because they desire their art to reflect, at some level and in ways only art can, a vision of life and being human that is grounded in their faith. They must, therefore, know their faith and how it addresses the big issues of life; their faith in Christ should provide a distinct perspective on the human condition. Unfortunately, given the state of Christianity today, there is great confusion and debate over how to define Christian. Some "Christianities" tell us that God has promised us spiritual perfection in this life. Some tell us that Christian faith is about abundant material blessings, that it is positive thinking, or that it differs very little from Buddhist "consciousness." At the heart of this confusion lies the question of authority. Who or what sources shall act as our final authority in deciding what is authentic Christian faith?

Understanding calling. Many Christians understand and accept the notion of being gifted and called to a vocation through which they may work for God's purposes in this world and thus serve His Kingdom. They believe God can call someone to serve Him in business, medicine, counseling, or any number of other vocations. Artists, however, struggle with the notion of calling for several reasons. First, the church has very seldom, if ever, encouraged believers to callings in the arts, except those few arts—music, for example—employed in worship and fellowship. Second, identifying art with worldliness, many Christians think the art world is not safe for believers, who should not, therefore, be encouraged to enter it. Third, making a living while pursuing art is very difficult, if not impossible. For all these reasons, committing oneself to an art vocation doesn't seem to make "sanctified sense." How, then, can we know that God is leading someone toward a life in the arts? This important question is not easily answered for many young Christian artists.

Enduring misunderstanding. I dare not guess how many young artists have faced this intimidating question from well-meaning fellow Christians: "Why don't you get a real job?" While this question may arise out of sincere concern for the financial future and well being of the artist, it often betrays a deeper belief that working in art is a waste of good time. Art is impractical, a peripheral activity for eccentric, "not-normal" individuals who simply don't fit into the main, commonsense stream of life. Many Christians, including those in recognized Christian vocations, struggle to understand how artists can dedicate themselves so energetically to something that doesn't guarantee an income, that seems so esoteric and non-applicable to "normal" Christian work and life, and that requires involvement in a secular, often hostile art world so clearly dominated by non-Christian beliefs and values.

Confronting truth. The Christian artist faces a final challenge—ultimately the most important. Will the Christian artist, like any other believer, submit his life, and therefore his artmaking, to the vital, deeply personal issues confronting him in his relationship to God? Will he commit himself to making art that flows out of his struggle to make his faith in Christ the controlling vision of his life? Believers in every arena of human work and life—from business, science, and education to marriage, homemaking, and child-rearing—are continually confronted with God's call to embrace the gospel of Christ rather than a self-driven and worldly vision of life. In a world that constantly intimidates and seduces them to unbelief, all true believers—no matter what their gifts, vocations, opportunities, and callings—struggle mightily to believe and to continue to believe. From the biggest decisions to the smallest choices, God calls us to have spiritual character, which will inevitably confront every arena of thought and work in which we are immersed. In this respect, the Christian artist's calling, while it differs greatly from his secular counterpart, differs not at all from his fellow believer's. The Christian artist must confront what truly motivates him and therefore drives his art into existence and form. He must confront his spiritual condition: is his heart open to the truth God brings, and does his artmaking reflect this?

In conclusion

Humans inevitably engage in two kinds of work: the work they do for utilitarian purposes and the work they do to determine who they are and what they mean. When our utilitarian work has secured the necessities of life—sustenance, shelter, and safety—we turn to leisurely activities and "liberal" arts. The leisure of liberal arts is not merely for relaxation or entertainment, though that kind of leisure is valid. Ultimately, the most important of man's leisurely activities involves time given to exploring the meaning of his existence—his deepest identity and purpose. These activities are meaningful or practical not in a utilitarian way, but because they embody the human quest for an enduring definition of life in the cosmos.

Man's quest to understand what is real and valuable can occur in many ways—from the inquiry of scientific method to philosophical and theological reflection (not just the academic kind). As scientists and theologians record their thought processes and conclusions, so do artists communicate their explorations and discoveries. Serious artists do not so much aim at presenting copies of the world they explore. Rather, they attempt to make known—in speech, sound, movement, color, and physical materials—essential and deeply felt conclusions as they appear to them. Serious art articulates the deepest precincts of the human soul and how it perceives the world.

Art is not apologetics. Art is not evangelism. Art is not preaching the Scriptures. Writer and scholar George Steiner argues, however, that it is within art forms—visual, textual, auditory—that imago dei (image of God) attempts to articulate in lucid intensity and special language its encounter with fallen creation and the mysteries of existence. In this, serious art "distinguishes itself from the trivial and the opportunistic" (Real Presences, p.139).

The created "inner wiring" of some among us in the body of Christ calls them to make serious art. Why, then, would we not desire them to make it? Serious art made by serious Christians makes a valid and important contribution to the church's presence in this yet unredeemed world.

Aaron Swink's commentary on above article:
I wish I could articulate my thoughts as well as Mr Hurd but I will say that it's too bad there are not more voices saying this kind of thing. One would think that as those who's spirits are being "made alive day by day" and who are aware and even experience tangibly the supernatural, we would be more apt to create "serious" art, art that really attempts to plumb the depths of what it means to be a body-spirit hybrid. However, when I think of Christian art, I think of Precious Moments and Thomas Kinkade, not something that really explores new territory. I think a lot of Christians are afraid of art because when they think of "art" they think of a bunch of beret waring, french speaking, atheists making statues of the Virgin Mary out of piles of excrement. And if your only source for art news is what is reported on cable news, that is all you would hear about but the fact is, there are still many artists trying to explore the human condition in a meaningful and novel way. So I guess if you guys will allow me to get on a soapbox for a moment, if you feel that you have a gift for art, or rather, a gift for expression, then don't hide it under a bushel, let it shine! Even if some people think it is dumb or weird or worthless, or "artsy fartsy", just keep on expressing that inner life through what ever medium you can.

Peace and Love unto the brethren and sistren

Word

seasons change

some haikus for fun...

cold toes and red nose
mixed colors mingle with love
fall begins to fade

cozy among friends
hot tea warms me from inside
smiles beam radiance

echoes of Fall remain
laughter drifts into gray skies
crisp air speeds my steps

long silence, chilled air
content. coffee with my Lord.
peace. restoration.

a Psalm or two, praise
the hand that creates, restores
stand in grace, selah

winter beckons rest
shelter from the cold, hide away
in His arms of love

my Lover calls me
from afar He sings to me
yet a whisper, near

i will not hide, no
draw me out, though it is cold
Your love blankets me

in a land, far off
away from home as it is,
passing through this world

foreign, familiar
both alike, my soul decides
in Him, rest secure

snow laden mountains
o gaze of Love, melt my pride
wrap me in your grace

Creator, my Lord
how your hand painted every stroke
woven colors stream

rays of sun streak down
upon land; cries for healing
anoint with Your oil

cascades of winter
mountains, barren trees, gray skies
snow blankets, white grace

though the seasons change
the memories and friendships
their love never dies

together we'll be
one glorious day, indeed
singing praises, High!

greater purposes
we serve, living for Him, oh
and Living truly

press onward, we will
moving forward with our God
His Kingdom comes forth

like the seasons, too,
shall we all change and transform
live, hand in His hand

kingdom approaching
his Love kindles our fire so
steadfast and faithful

clay in the potter's hands

His footsteps lightly step into my room, a soft pattering as to keep me from hearing. I hear anyway. I look up to see him peeking behind the door, hiding with a big grin that can barley hold back his laughter. Who's there? I pretend not to see him. He smiles bigger. I can't help but light up inside.

The joys of children make you smile from the inside until you can't contain it any longer.

Working with children, I am continually being shaped and molded as a person. They require consistency. They require fairness. They require discipline. They require you to be selfless. They challenge your motives. They challenge your patience. They need your love. They need boundaries. They take your energy.

And yet, they give you laughter. They give you that hug you needed. They forgive quickly. They are resilient. They teach you about the ways of justice while having an uncanny grace about them.

I might be teaching my children, but they are teaching me so much in return.

My heart smiles as I think of their faces, their laughter, their jokes, their concern for me, their demanding nature, their youth and childlike perspective on life.

On the days that they stretch me, I remember that I am being molded. I am clay in the potter's hands. My children are just doing their job. They're testing me and shaping me. They are grace-growers in my life. They are teaching me so much about my Lord and his love.

Am I doing my job? Am I loving them? When I have struggled, the Lord has asked me, "What have you done for my __(name)__?" Humbled, I remember that I have been given the responsibility to shepherd these little ones and to look after them-- to care for them and love them with His love. They have been entrusted to me for a time. Am I doing my part? With this, I am humbled and know that only in Him can I do anything. Only in Him can I love these little ones and care for them and teach them.

His grace and love are sufficient. Every day is a day of grace. Grace to enjoy the day and grace to endure a day, depending.

Their little eyes look at me, waiting to be dismissed for the day. With every bit of self-control they have at this age, they stand still and squirm on occasion. High fives for some, while others hit my hand with their heads, and others hit my hand so hard it turns red. Either way, they all smile and laugh as they go. Then the littlest one comes back just for one last look in the classroom and chuckles. With that, I know in my heart, I love these kids.

foundations

As I took out my flute today and realized that it's been two months since I've touched it, I grieved a little in my heart. I began playing and sure enough, an airy sound came out--one that was not refined, out of practice, and probably out of tune because of the poor tone quality.

It's been years since I've been in the discipline of practicing everyday. If for no other reason (probably the only reason), I miss High School is for the music...the time I had to spend playing my flute and expressing myself without words. My senior year, especially, I gave hours and hours to playing. Starting with an hour warm-up and playing on for three more hours just about everyday. I look back and can't believe I was that disciplined. But the thing that was so vital to my playing was that I needed to do a warm-up everyday--a warm-up with the foundations of playing: long tones, breathing exercises, tonguing exercises, rhythm, harmonics, vibrato, etc.,etc.

Anyway, I was thinking on our relationship with God and how you can parallel it to music. In your walk with God you must remain in the foundations of your faith. You cannot just stop praying everyday because "you've arrived" or become mature or something. Rather, a sign of maturity is that you remain disciplined in the foundational things of your faith. Just as in playing-- good musicians do warm-ups and don't forget the importance of practicing fundamental things like long tones.

In our walk with the Lord, we mustn't forget the importance of daily meeting with the Lord, reading His Word, memorizing scripture, praying, fasting, and such. Just because we've read the Bible through once doesn't mean that we know it, nor does it mean that you can read it at your leisure now. Man does not live by bread alone, but from every word that comes from the mouth of God. (matt 4:4) As we go deeper with God and His Word He brings greater revelation...God uses the Word to guide us, convict us, teach us...as for prayer, why would we move forward in anything without it being backed by God?


It is so easy to lose your tone quality when playing a wind instrument. At first you stop playing long tones, then you slack off a little and quit playing everyday. Then you get like me and play every few months. You become out of practice and your sound will tell everyone. Your fingers lose their agility and you become out of breath more quickly. When you are walking with God and start to let your relationship slip, you can feel it, see it, and manifest it. As you slowly let little habits form-- not reading everyday, not praying, watching TV instead of seeking God, etc. then soon enough you find yourself in a very low place spiritually.

Not to have a religious spirit over us, but we do need to have the spiritual disciplines. After all, one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control. I think that self-control enables us to prioritize and to do the things that will feed our spirit and not our flesh or carnality.

Something that I've been trying to understand more is how to submit my soul (mind, will, emotions) to my spirit man. This has been very challenging and yet so rewarding. We must go deeper with the Lord by allowing our spirit to commune with His spirit and submitting our soul to that communion. We do it sometimes but to live that way all the time--that's the challenge. But God is good and He teaches us with great patience.
http://www.brilliantbookhouse.com/index.php?SESe4=SE4HDMTc1YThhYTNW6e5tipg2r3wfwFZgI0U9NgEIjUYaXtyL0TI__2pl__qRn5nad64ZS__3sl__bQQlaBNQU2dCH__3sl__E__1eq__SE4FT

The great thing about the holy spirit is that he gives us joy in the disciplines. He gives us a freshness for the Word, a spirit of prayer, a spirit of worship, a joy that becomes our strength. If we do things on our own then it is wearing and we easily give up. Without the power of the Holy Spirit, our prayers fade fast, our worship wanes, and we soon lose interest. But the holy spirit ignites us. He puts a fire deep in us. We need to be filled more and more with God's Holy Spirit.

We need to co-labor with God and use our talents for the Kingdom. Just because you're not in full-time ministry does not mean that you aren't in the ministry. If you are a follower of Jesus then you are called no matter where you are. Whether you're an economist, a musician, a teacher, an engineer, a park ranger....God will use you. God gave you specific talents and passions and skills for a reason. I've often heard, "The glory of God is man fully alive." May God's glory be manifested in our lives-- in everything that we do. Surrender it all to Him. This book had some great insight...
http://www.ibethel.org/store/p280/DreamingWithGodBook/product_info.html

More of YOU; less of me.

So, if you find yourself slipping in your time with the Lord...get back to the foundations. Otherwise, you'll end up with a stale faith.

And if you're spiritually doing well but have allowed your talents to be buried, then start digging 'em back up and using them for the Lord. Get back to the foundations. Start painting again. Start writing again. Start singing again. Start dancing again. Start playing music again. Begin doing whatever it is that you've put on the shelf.

...and start with the foundations.

releasing a debt owed to you

I'm learning to forgive those I never knew. Forgiveness is about recognizing a debt that someone owes you and then releasing that person from the debt they owe you. It's a choice.

A lot of times we believe that by forgiving we will invalidate our own hurt or make a statement that says, "What you did was okay," when in fact that is not what forgiveness says at all. Forgiveness, on the contrary, acknowledges the debt owed to you and then it extends grace and releases that person from the bondage of guilt and shame as it cancels out the debt. Forgiveness reconciles. After all, Jesus' ministry is that of reconciliation. 1 Corinthians 5: 18-19All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. and he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

Often times it is easier to recognize your unforgiveness when someone has openly hurt you and/or offended you. However, there are instances, such as the one I am currently experiencing, where the offense was not fully known or acknowledged by me. God is big on forgiveness and releasing people into their destinies. I mean, He did send His son to take our place so that we could be ushered into His presence-- despite the sins. While we were still sinners Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)

God recognizes all debt that is owed. He also brings it forth as he restores you. He reconciles you to Himself as well as others. In the meantime, things that have been done you by others and vise versa, will surface-- even if you were not fully aware of them. God brings opportunity for forgiveness and grace to be extended for both parties involved. You have to remember that God is at work in that person's life as well. We are all on this journey. God is restoring all of creation. That includes the person who offended you.

Someone tells you that Johnny owes you $100 but you were unaware of it completely; he chose to never give you the money. This is a debt that you will have to forgive him for. Had no one brought it to your attention, you would never have recognized the need to forgive.

The situation I'm in is too personal to share, but I am in a place to forgive someone in which I had never truly acknowledged the debt this person owed me (like the above example). God has surfaced this and I am releasing forgiveness. In the spiritual realm this has great implications on this person's life as well as my own.

We forgive because he forgave us. In Christ, there is nothing owed to me. He has given me everything.

As we forgive, it allows others to be released and to step into their destiny with Christ. As we are forgiven, it releases us from shame and guilt. We have a God who forgives our wickedness and remembers our sins no more (jeremiah 31:34) We should forgive in the way he forgives.

Forgiveness also heals. Someone once said, "Bitterness is like swollowing poison and hoping the other person dies." Why would you ever do that? But we do all the time in our hearts when we don't release others from the debt they owe us. Even if the person never apologizes, we must forgive. You keep yourself in bondage by not forgiving. You give a foothold to the devil. Ephesians 4: 26-27 26"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold." By releasing the other person you also purge yourself of whatever poison had been in your heart. God heals your heart. On the other end, not enough can be said about the power of knowing you are forgiven. What healing that brings!

We must let go of our offenses. When you carry offenses it's like you are carrying a 2 by 4 across your shoulders. You are not only hurting yourself by carrying an offense but you are hurting others as you run into them! Carrying that offense keeps you from going through doorways. You are constanly running into things and you begin to push others away from you. You can't move forward in life or in what God is calling you to do. You are in bondage to your own unforgiveness. (kudos to Graham Cooke for this analogy...but the holy spirit gave him that image! woo)

Something to realize as well: anger usually covers up a deeper feeling-- one of hurt. Not until you can get past the anger will you see the wounds. And then you can begin to let Jesus heal the wounds and forgive others. Let God strip the anger. Give it to Him. You will be surprised at how much hurt is underneath there. I know I was when I first began my road of healing five years ago.

We must be a people who forgive. We must be a people who extend grace. Offenses are going to come. Hurt is going to come. People are going to do things to you that will beckon the need for forgiveness. Whether these things will happen is not the concern. The concern is: what will you do when they come? Will you forgive? I hope and pray that I will! I need so much grace! My little heart of justice runs me amock sometimes! But I have to remember, vengeance is God's. And right now, we are in a season of grace. Extend the hand of Jesus. He offers grace in order that it would be received.

(**kudos to Beth, LuJean, and Neva for their godly wisdom and advice. you are truly, spiritual mothers! thanks!)

Lilacs in Bloom

my old xanga account had this title "lilacs in bloom, the sweetness of knowing HIM"... when i had switched to blogger i had "fading embers glimmer beneath"... both of which i like. however, i think that lilacs in bloom contains more life. fading embers that still glimmer remind me of someone who is holding on to whatever hope and faith they can muster up. we are a people called to live by faith, and faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see (heb. 11:1). i prefer to be a lilac in bloom that is radiating the sweetness of my Jesus. Those in Christ should be blooming with love. we love because he first loved us (1 john 4:19). i pray to be that lilac and not a fading ember.

however, i do know where i come from and i know that i was an ember that had faded to almost nothing. when Jesus rescued me i was an ember on the brink of going out and not being revived. Jesus loves. Jesus rescues. Jesus saves.

when we are a fading ember we must fix our eyes on Jesus because he is the author and perfector of our faith. He is the one who will redeem. He is the only one who can breath life back into you. His Word and very breath gives you life and kindles the fire. He's the one who keeps your lamp burning at night. when i first tasted of Jesus, life began to come back in my bones immediately; life bagan to consume me and my hunger for truth, God, and love could not be satiated, save through my resting in HIM.

when you realize how broken you are and turn to HIM, he meets with you.

are you a fading ember? have you sought out the healing power of Jesus? have you come to the cross with your sin and burdens? praise be the Lord, to God our savior who daily bears our burdens! ps. 68:19 have you wrestled with the Lord through your questions and your pain?

we are made for eternity and we will experience an eternal death outside of the blood of Jesus. if you reject God now, you reject Him for eternity. because those who reject Jesus also reject the Father. we never know when our last breath will be. God is the author of history. he has ordained the beginning from the end.

we must get right with God. He has a destiny for you.

your submission to Him will ultimately bring you freedom.

fire will be restored in your heart and you will be a lilac in bloom. Lord, may we never stray from you. May we never let the embers die, but may the fire be tended to and the embers turned into flames. May our desire for you be a passion that cannot be shut up in our bones. May we radiate your frangrance of life and love, grace and mercy. Thank you for this season of grace, Lord. We should be more grateful. We are so undeserving and yet you still loved us. Selah.

they overcame

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony." Revelation 12:11a

I love the depth that the Lord brings in your life... and the commonalities you now share with any sister or brother simply by your walk with Jesus. I found myself being filled with encouragement today as we shared the inner workings of God in our lives--both in the past and today.

I love seeing how God has moved in someone's life-- aspects of God that He has revealed to and through that person. It is so incredibly beautiful. Absolutely breath-taking.

Today resembled one of those movies where you walk in and out of a story being told as the past becomes interrupted by present happenings. I think of Fried Green Tomatoes or Forest Gump... We walked and talked, then the story would be paused for a stop at Buy the Way for a snack and then we'd resume. Once again, interrupted to buy a ticket for the subway and back to chatting again-- right at the depth we had left off at.

Intent on the story being unwrapped, a beautiful package of the Lord's working through the years... we laughed as an older man tried to sell us men's socks... then back to the story... shwarmas...talking over ice-cream...sitting on a bench outside for an hour... we made our way through Seoul today, looking around and all the while sharing our hearts-- sharing what Jesus has done in our lives...proclaiming the testimony of Jesus in our lives.

Weaving in and out, we talked and shared. God is good. We have been blessed to be a blessing... to share the freedom that we've received.

...Maybe we'll have some mint tea tonight and talk some more. :)

What is God doing in your life today? What is your testimony today? If you have a testimony from your past but not for today, receive a fresh breath... Who is Jesus to you? Our testimony in Jesus is powerful. This is the most important thing in life-- the revelation of who Jesus Christ is and what He has done for you. Do you know Him? Have you spoken with Him today?

Walking Out Freedom, Day by Day

Once you've received freedom, there is a very real aspect of walking it out. If you have your eyesight given back to you, you're not going to keep your eyes shut. If you've been given the ability to walk, you're not going to stay bound to a wheel chair. You have to take the inititative to walk out the new found healing and freedom.

This goes for emotional and inner healing as well.

Those first steps may be scary. They may be hard and even have some seeming failures, but you have to stumble a little to gain strength back in those muscles that haven't been used in so long or in some cases, never. As God uproots insecurities and delivers inner healing accompanied with truth, you must walk it out in circumstances that will challenge this freedom. If He's delivered you from lies and hurts and pain, you must take a step of faith and walk out that freedom. This is by no means easy; however, it is essential.

Since I've been in Korea I have been experiencing this challenge-- being stretched to walk out the freedom God has given me. God has been placing me in situations and circumstances that require me to depend solely on Him and to call on His name in the freedom that He has given me. In times that the enemy brings back the lies, I have to continually renew my mind and hold fast to the truth and the healing that I've received.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

If the Lord has delivered you from something, don't go back to that bondage; rather, walk out your freedom. Let God challenge and continually change you. Allow God to renew you day by day. God is always taking us into greater places of freedom. Stay hungry for the King and remember your dependence on Him. Take His hand and begin walking out your freedom. We have to learn how to walk again or walk for the first time.... think of how a baby learns to walk. Eventually mommy and daddy let go and tell him to come to them. God will do that. "You've got this. You can do it. Look at you go!" He'll cheer for you! He'll never leave you but He will challenge you and ask you to get out of the boat. All He needs is faith the size of a mustard seed and He can move mountains through you.

Take hold of your healing and freedom...and begin to walk it out. Though it may be hard and scary...it is so worth it! "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

"Without Superpowers There is No Hope"

I finished checking my students' weekend journals...I had given them the topic: If you could have a super power what would it be?

I've found that whenever I ask kids this question, they all tend to have a similar idea of what they would want to do...at least my students back in the States and here in Korea.

After grading all nine of their entries, I found a common theme: they all desired to have a super power that would some how benefit the world and get rid of all the bad people and make it a better place to live. I love to hear their hearts on this issue of good and bad. God has placed it on our hearts and given us an awareness of good and evil. Things of God and things against God. He has written it on our hearts.

This world continues to get darker and darker but it's amazing to see what God is doing world wide. It is time for God's people to really stand up and speak out His name and claim His goodness... to advance His Kingdom.

The last paper I checked summed it up in the final line, "Without superpowers, there is no hope." We need the power of God. We need to be walking with Jesus and rely on His power alone. That is the only way we will see transformation.

some treasures and challenges

"You cannot discover who you are by yourself-- it has to be in the context of serving people. It's the only way because by nature, you're identity of who you are in God is connected to how you manifest Him in certain people around you." --Bill Johnson

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recently been challenged by this, especially as I pray for God to root me...

Jackie Pullinger lived in the Walled City of Hong Kong for about 20 years, reaching out to heroin addicts and prostitutes. She saw many come to Christ and be delivered from heroin through prayer with little or no symptoms of withdrawal... here in her book, Chasing the Dragon, she is referring to the blessings she received from her long term commitment versus the short term visits from others:

// So we were present at one of those times in history when the past blares, intruding the present, and I am in them both. I often tell visiting missions teams of this phenomenon. It is fashionable nowadays to visit Asia, China, and the poor for a few days, weeks, or months and call it outreach. Over the years we have had hundreds of short-termers who want to get the picture immediately-- if possible, on video-- so they can show it to their home church and have an inspired evening. I have begged them to love the people and stay like Sai Di did for me 30 years ago. the disadvantage of short term missions is a wrong perspective based on this generation's need for instant results.

...the remarkable fact that after so long we still see most addicts who come to us believe in Jesus, pray in tongues, and detoxify from drugs painlessly does not obscure the fact that they need a changed mind. So the voyeurs leave. They have their video clips, but they never saw. It was either all too good or all too bad, and neither was accurate. We love our people whether they turn out well or not, and the successes do not vindicate our ministry nor do the disappointments nullify it. What is important is whether we have loved in a real way-- not preached in a n impassioned way from the pulpit.

...If God meant a child to grow slowly and safely in a loving family for up to 18 years, why should we be angry at those who do not change at our pace for the sake of statistics, furlough or sadly for some, funding?

...people I had spent time with so long before never forgot, even though we lost each other for a while. Suddenly, someone from the past would reappear again, and it would turn out that he had not killed the memory of a love that was so extraordianry that the giver spent Himself in giving until He died. So we have been the delighted, sobbing representatives of the Father whoese prodigal son crawled or rushed home after all. Our summer missionaries did not stay to see this, although we hoped they might yearn for it somehow. Stay for the party. The fleeting volunteer sometimes catches a course-- sweet and sour-- but no one savors the whole menu like me. 'Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink,' said the master of the banquet when He called the bridegroom aside, 'but you have saved the best till now.'

...and they expected me to do it all. And so much of the rest of the church was engaged in discovering their giftings rather than giving. //

a Girl's Dream

Let Him peel back the walls and unravel the deepest desires of your heart...

"Dad, when I grow up, I'm going to build two big mansions with heart windows. One is going to be for all my friends and family to live in, and the other one is going to be for the biggest McDonald's playground EEVVer."

Just a little girl sharing her heart's desires and yet, she spoke with great conviction. I remembered this desire of mine a few days ago and longed for this simple but impossible dream once again. Passing through this life, making our mark, representing God or something else, we leave impressions on those we bump into along the way. I think that this desire is still just as strong in me as when I was a child-- this desire to have everyone I love around me (and of course the huge maze of tunnels and slides!).

I think of the places that my feet have tread, the friendships I have made, the acquaintances I’ve passed, the faces I longed to know more intimately, the kindred souls I connected with upon meeting, the sweet memories of all those souls I have encountered, the hearts I dreamed of touching, the hearts that moved me, the bitter and the sweet moments-- every part that has been intricately woven.

I thought of how much I long for Eden and the presence of the Lord-- the new heaven and earth, the face of the Lord.

I look at this world and the people in it, and I realize that any beauty I see is from God. Any grace, any peace, any joy, any faithfulness, any kindness, anything good, any radiance, any glory-- it is all the mark of our Creator. He manifests through His creation.

Thinking over the faces and hearts I've known, a sweetness settles in as I experience them all over again. Every soul I have bumped into has some how impacted me in a way that has drawn me closer to God-- revealing the nature of God—eventually drawing me into His love.

I think of the grace people have extended...the joy people have shared with me... the tears people have wept with me and for me... the overwhelming love I've received... the forgiveness I've been given... the servant's heart--the way someone has cared for me... a stranger's smile and kind gesture... an intimate's embrace... a deep, rolling laugh that makes you sore the next day... the extension of a hand... the playfulness... the discipline and rebuke... those who have lead me, carried me, followed me, walked with me... the ones who have known the details of who I am... the ones who cared about my passing thoughts... the ones who understood me through and through...

All of these people have some how revealed a part of God to me that I needed to experience and understand at a heart’s level.

As I walk more with the Lord, His kindness throughout my life becomes more and more apparent-- so much so that I am humbled to my knees—having a glimpse of just how kind He truly has been-- even as I am so undeserving. He is the kindest I know.

As we are here for a purpose, we need to be fully alive at all times...no matter where the Lord places us and no matter for how long we will be there. We never know what the Lord has in store and who we are supposed to meet. From a simple bus ride to a month stay, to years of commitment somewhere…God always has something in store. Just keep your eyes and heart open.

I think on people and places with fondness, but I also understand that the Kingdom is coming forcefully and we must be moving forward with God. His joy sustains. His purposes prevail. His love overwhelms. His glory reigns. This is what carries me onward. This is what drives me. This is the God who has so lovingly placed me where He wants me and when He wants me…

So, my heart still cries out for God and for people… that they may know the kindness that I have known and that they may bend a knee to the One who has given everything.

The little girl grew up and now she understands that her heart’s desires were planted by the Creator Himself— beautifully, a longing for the King and His Kingdom, full of His people.

Bill Johnson _ Pain

Here's part of his latest podcast... great teaching on inner healing in the presence of God... one-step program: meet with God. We need to learn how to tend to our hearts and meet with God. This is something that the Lord has been teaching me the last few years. It's beautiful and there's no other way for true healing than meeting with the Healer.

-------------- please excuse the typos -----------------------

Bill Johnson 9/2/08

Matthew 14
Vs.13 When Jesus heard that John was beheaded, he departed from there by a boat to a deserted place by himself but the multitude found him. He met them and then he departed again and went up to a mountain.
This is not a formula, but there is something here…. Jesus was tempted in everything…. he faced disappointments, losses, etc. but he never sinned. In this situation when he heard about john the Baptist who was his cousin (indebtedness b/c he’s a relative and john had laid his life down to prepare the way)…as soon as he heard, he sought to get alone. It’s the one step program. It’s time to get up on the mountain before the father and stay there until I get fixed. There aren’t hoops to jump through, scripture to memorize…all there is is an intense drive to not leave the way I went up.

Jesus sought a place to get alone with the Father. Right away he ran into crowds putting demands on him and what does he do? He ministered to them. Everyone in this room needs to know what it is to minister out of weakness and to write a spiritual check that you don’t think you have the reserves for. You need to let God show up. You don’t have anything left to give but then you see someone and feel the Lord pull you to them and step out to see the Lord do a miracle. Jesus steps out of his need to be alone with the Father and ministers to the ppl out of his own place of weakness and then he sent everyone away and went up to the mountain.

Some things can only be solved through time with the Lord. You can go to a conference, buy the latest book, have ppl pray and prophesy over you but there is some stuff that just don’t get fixed until you go up on the mountain. There are some things that don’t get recalibrated or readjusted and set in our heart and mind until there is time with the Father where things change. How long did he stay there? It didn’t say and I’m glad it didn’t’ say b/c then we’d make it a rule. It’s just not that way.

Disappointment comes. You start to make your way to the Father. If something interrupts you stop and minister to it but you don’t lose your focus. You finally get time with God and you don’t leave until there is a change.

If I’m willing to give up my right to understand then I receive the peace that surpasses all understanding. When I lay down my right for an explanation from God b/c it usually comes out of an accusing spirit where I hold God responsible to meet my description of what he should live like. When you lay down that thing in you that demands earthly justice of God instead of divine justice of earth…when that switch is made then you become positioned for the heart of the father and you receive a grace over your life that is unexplainable to the ppl around you.

What we’ve seen in our own household…two major hits for us…it’s extremely painful and to be facing this..their first declaration after his loss is “God is good.” wow… job’s wife says curse God and die. And while I don’t know any Christians to promote that there are plenty that teach the equal. We are a group of ppl that need some time on the mountain.

You can’t have a gathering like this where there isn’t tragedy and triumph at the same time…so you can preach to either side and always be successful...but our focus is we celebrate what God is doing but when there is loss we have to mourn without going into unbelief and without creating a lifestyle of distancing ourselves from challenges. We look for crisis and impossibilities. This situation of Jesus going up to the mountain is so profound…b/c you have to see the result. When he came down he crossed over and came to the land of Gennesaret some men and when they recognized him they brought to him all who were sick and begged him to touch the hem of his garment. as many who touched his garment were made well.

I want to suggest to you that Moses’s encounter on the mountain when the glory of the Lord radiated….a piece of cloth could cover it… but when Jesus went up on the mountain not only couldn’t a piece of cloth cover the glory but instead released it. Somehow there was something upon him that when he came down a whole group of ppl could see it.

Everyone rushing to touch one person’s coat and everyone was healed who touched him. Where did that come from? When he heard about John’s death he went up to the mountain to pray. Why? b/c it’s time for vindication. Vindication doesn’t come from emotional hype. It doesn’t come b/c we want to see this destroyed. It’s b/c in loss you meet with the one who is good, always.

How many of you have been affected in recent days by loss? See, what happens is that if you don’t deal with it then you just build on it. And if you don’t ever meet with the Father then we weaken the whole deal. Years later you don’t know there is weakness there but something is set on there and is too heavy and you crumble.

It’s a one-step program. Meeting with God. No pat answer, no intellectual answer, but I’m after the presence and peace of the Lord to compensate for the weakness, confusion, and loss and questions etc. Until that measure of grace from the presence of God saturates me then I’ll be poisoned by the disappointments and sting of loss.

We want this healed. Go to your mountain. Go to the place with the Father where you learn in a fresh way in the heart about the one who answers the slightest whim of a request. To a father that is so extremely good that even ones that have experienced extreme tragedy can still declare God’s goodness. Pray to go to the deepest place of loss and disappointment and pray that God will bring resolve and take you to the mountain with Him.

Cleaning Out What Has Hardened

Old food clung with all its strength to the side of my bowl. I scrubbed and scrubbed in vain. Alas, I turned on the water and poured in some soap. This mess would have to soak for some time until I would be able to scrape out the muck and at last see a clean bowl.

As I was doing this simple task, I thought of how we do the same thing to our hearts emotionally and spiritually. We allow junk to build up until it hardens and cannot be easily removed. Scraping out the junk takes effort. We must soak in love and truth from the Lord, allowing it to seep into the pores of our soul and heart in order that our hearts may be softened enough to scrape out the mess.

You see, that argument turned into an offense which became a grudge, eventually planting a seed of bitterness. That little sin, well, he soon became a great desire which formed into a habit, eventually shutting out the light, leading to greater sin. Those passing thoughts-- well, they soon became more than just passing thoughts; they began to stick around. They began to push out the truth. In fact, they became the posing "truth" and formed new and unhealthy ways of thinking.

Meanwhile, the heart hardened more and more, just as the food in that bowl did the longer I left it alone. You see, the things that we sometimes shrug off, end up being our greatest enemy. In Jackie Pullinger's book, Chasing the Dragon, she explains the way of darkness through drugs:

"Every addict has a love-hate relationship with his drug. His mind despises it and its hold over him. His body longs for it when deprived for too long and cheats his mind into seeing it as a salvation. No one ever knows when he crosses the line from 'playing' with drugs to being dependent on them. One novice vomits the first time and tries again to see whether it improves. Another feels little effect and imagines that he can take it again quite safely. He starts with a small dose, but what satisfies at first is soon not enough and he needs to take more to prevent withdrawal pains. He takes bigger doses more and more often until he is arrested or dies."

It starts out small...and eventually leads to death--whether it's a physical death or spiritual death. Either way, the walking dead or grave stricken man--they are both dead.

Jackie continues to explain the allure of the drug itself:

"It was a degrading scene, but I was fascinated and attracted. I felt the pull of the drug that every potential addict knows and which defies logic. He knows it kills; he knows it leads to addiction and depravity. He knows all the arguments with his head, but he still has to try it. And having tried once, he has to continue until he is part of the mystique that drew him. [...] I felt the pull of the drug. It was attractive. It was demonic."

We must continually be pruning our hearts and keeping them cleaned out. We must allow the Lord to reveal the state of our hearts. What seemed trivial to start, may soon grow roots that intertwine, running so deep that ripping them out will cause immense pain-- pain that could have easily been prevented from the beginning.

Be honest before the Lord. Lay your heart bare before the Lord. He will clean you up in the kindest way. He may discipline you, but only out of love. He will pour ointment on the wounds and bandage you properly.

During the time of cleaning--remember that the bowl had to soak and so does your heart. It takes time. You must soak in the Lord's presence. You must allow Him to work things out fully. Are you willing?