Diamond in the Rough

//Diamond in the Rough // Spring 2004

Unaware of his own beauty
Trapped...covered over by filth
Deep...burried deep in a cave somewhere
A cave of lies, deceit, blindness
Cast aside...forgotten...left alone...
This lonely gem wastes away
Oppressed and hidden
Held Captive by the world, the enemy
Beat up...lost...idle...maybe falsely content
No one to seek for help
This precious jewel remains unknown
Some pass through but he is left unnoticed
The sound of freedom seems near
Yet is nowhere to be found
No way to get there, regardless
On a clear night another comes through
This time there is a mission in mind
Looking beyond himself he seeks the lost
With guidance from above he searches
Wandering where ever the Father leads him
A break in the dirt, a sliver of the lost jewel appears
A flash of light shimmers from the gem
Piercing the eyes of the pursuer
...piercing his heart
What is this?
Can it be?
A full moon shines through, setting the forgotten soul afire
Scraping away the dirt and filth
Pulling it from the rocks
Uncovering this beauty
A treasure is discovered
Truth is revealed...a whole new world laid before the jewel
This rare gem is revived
...a diamond in the rough
All because a man looked past himself
He saw the beauty before there was beauty
Committed to rescuing, cleaning, shining, and polishing
He set forth on a journey to restore lost souls- to call them back to their Father above
Thanking my Father, for the lost rubble of dirt, I was
...now a refined jewel, I am

What ladder are you climbing?

Here is an old journal entry from the Fall of 2004:

Something that I've realized is that sometimes we're going to be in a funk, not necessarily knowing why...sometimes from our own sin and defiance to God, sometimes an attack from the enemy and sometimes it's just how we feel in response to a circumstance. Whether or not its due to the attack, a sin, or a circumstance, God calls us to be joyful always...to be in prayer always...and to be thankful always. In such times it feels impossible to be that way yet the Lord holds us to it- so by His grace and strength its not impossible.

So often we cling to the things that hurt us the most...we offer Satan a body to use an then to spit out...left unaware of his tactics or even his presence. God is raising us to be warriors- strong warriors for His kingdom yet we blame God for the trials and live in self-pity...once again feeding the flesh and the enemy. Satan knows our weaknesses and preys on them, and then he leaves us to continue the work.

In a moment of epiphany, God's grace you might say, it comes over you that something is terribly wrong. God gives you discernment and revelations are realized. The funk subsides and you are back to something of a normal state, left pending and analyzing but ultimately back to a state of ignorance. Satan leaves you blinded even so, but God has yet to really move.

Strongholds keep you bound in chains, enslaved to sin, enslaved to evil. Satan covers your eyes or rather narrows your perspective. Blinders have been set on either side of your eyes and the only thing you can see is what your leader has set before you. Dare I say you are led astray by the enemy? Sometimes, yes.

God, on the other hand, does not blind use to anything- He reveals truth and sets His children free, leading them- without blinders-without chains. If we let Him, He even carries our load and in times of trial He'll even carry us.

Something still holds you back- there is something deep within you hurting- churning and festering over. It reaches a boil now and then and then subsides with a glimpse of a distraction of some sort.

God is calling you to live spontaneously for Him and with Him- a seed blown by the spirit- free to move as the spirit moves. Yet you are holding back...

There are poisons in you, toxins that need to be dealt with. Hurts fromt he past, guilt, grudges, insecurities, anger, pride,...deep rooted things that will not go away without exposing them and dealing with them.

Satan wants you to feed off of them while you have no awareness of it. God wants you to be free in Him. Freedom in Christ is something that is so real, yet you cannot understand it until you've tasted it. By and by you so desire freedom yet Satan makes you believe the poisons are what you want and need. He feeds them to you like a child and makes them feel comfortable- something you know and supposedly cannot live without.

Lies...dispel the lies. Once pride can be overcome and you can choose to change...God can really come in and work. There is authority in Christ that you can choose to use. Replacing the lies with truth, God uproots your foundation and rebuilds you from the inside out.

Satan is cast aside...the darkness within is overridden by an abundance of light. The voices, the lies, the sin, the darkness, the evil, the depression, the poisons- overflow out of you...they pour out of you, spiraling out of you like the eruption of a volcanoe.

God begins to fill you...a rich joy enter...a rich peace...contentment like none ever felt before. There is room for these things finally. Crawling out of yourself, letting go of the past, the evil, the sin, the fleshly ways, the worldly things...casting out the enemy. God now has reign in your life.

Love replaces the loneliness, the fear, the hate, the unforgivenness...love surrounds you...as a blanket surrounding you, the spirit covers you.

Satan has lost battle ground- he has lost your soul- you have gained life. God has rescued His child.

He wants more though- He wants to know you intimately and endlessly- you so desire that...something deep in you cries out for love, significance, and to belong. God answers all of these.

Pursued by your creator and marked by His grace, He holds you in His arms and His warmth. His love surpasses all. A child reconciled to his Father...how precious is such a thing.

The spirit carries you away as the wind carries seed...experiences and testimonies to share, you have been cleansed from the inside out, and beautifully sculpted through the trials. A warrior ready to fight the enemy you once knew so well- armed and ready, you head off for war...knowledgeable of his tactics now. The spirit lives in you, leading and guiding and teaching...the Father protecting and applauding- well done my son, my daughter, well done. The Son, befriending you, a lover like no other. Jesus is the way the truth and the life.

Free to live by the fly, embracing eternal life. There is great adventure when living with God- He is unpredictable yet so constant and stable. Never leaving you, that is for sure. don't run from Him, run with Him.

I can only say this because the Lord has done wonders in my own life. I struggled with my faith after a series of events in my life that led me astray, causing me to question and meander... dealing with depression, thoughts of suicide, low self-esteem...the list goes on...nothing could make me better because ultimately, there is a spiritual realm in this world often times overlooked. The problem did not lie in my past or who I was or that I needed medication or counseling... I needed to know truth. I needed the love of Christ. I needed to have the holy spirit fill me. there is only one way to the Father and that is through Jesus Christ. Praise the Lord for everything that He has done. Had God not put someone in my life to guide me in the right direction, who knows where I'd be today.

One of the first chapters that really spoke to me when I started reading the Bible was Psalm 139. God loves us so much, yet we run from Him and blame Him for things... many times the enemy is to blame but we tend to push him aside forgetting he is there. Embrace your Lord and He will take care of you. I have great faith in that. I will be praying for you.

Something someone once told me:

"Don't climb a ladder that's leaning against the wrong wall....Don't live your life for fool's gold...real diamonds vs. fake ones...No one ever said being a Christian would be easy. In fact, its hard. When you are not a believer, Satan is going to do everything he can to make you content and satisfied as if you don't need anything. Once you become a Christian, he is going to do everything he can to make you discouraged, feel guilty, etc. You now feel guilty if you speep in on time whereas before, you weren't getting up at all to do your quiet times and never felt guilty- but that's just one of his tactics- to make you feel guilt and then you turn away from God. Trials will come, suffering, and much more, persecution and segregation...but persevere. Keep seeking after the Lord and holding on to the truth...because IN THE END, WE WILL WIN. It doesn't matter what it looks like while we're running the race- it isn't a fashion show and the prize doesn't go to the nicest looking runner- the one who crosses the finish line wins. You could be ahead the whole race (your whole life) but if you don't have direction you won't win because you'll be led astray. (Analogy: Tom used to run cross country and one race he was in second the whole time. Tom had been on that course before so he knew the way- the guy in first missed the final turn and kept going straight, so in the end Tom won.) So many people look as if they are in first but thier running a race with no prize except death. Pursue the real riches, crowns, and treasures. Be faithful to the end!" Philippians 3:14

I hope that this could be of some encouragement. If you're in the Lord's hands, then you are in good hands. ~In His love~

The Feminist Mistake

Something I am passionate about is the issue of men and women roles...

I remember the first time I read through Proverbs 31 I threw the Bible across the room, as I was angry with the role and expectations God had on me as a woman. I really WAS a feminist in many ways. Through God's gentleness, correction in love, and biblical truth I have swung to the other side where I have become super passionate about seeing men and women take hold of their God-given roles and to develop in the way God desires!

I've seen how feminism and other issues have cuased so much confusion in the roles men and women are to be in...geneder crisis...satan has caused havoc among people: men trying to be women, women trying to be men, homosexuality, cross dressers, dominating women, passive men, etc. ...it's a modern day Rome!

I know my project had talked about the issue of submission during LT and a good talk it was--that talk led me to the issue of our roles. Such a word as "submission" can have a bad connotation, but like most things, our world and flesh have taken this word and distored it, corrupted and abused it. Coming under Christ's rule is the only way to understand the freedom in such a practice.

Rummaging thorugh a Christian bookstore I cam across this reading on Feminism. I wanted to pass along the title to those of you who might be interested in studying up on th every critical and prevalent issue within our culture today.

The Feminist Mistake: The Radical Impact on Feminism on Church and Culture by: Mary Kassian

I have only read through page 80 but wow is it ever interesting and informative. It's a pretty analytical and dry book but this topic makes my blood race...

Kassian states, "First, I believe that feminism has drawn attention to critical problems that exist for women in society and in the church. In this work I am not so much debating th evalidity of the questions that feminists have posed, but rather seeking to evaluate the validity of the answers. Second, in order to understand the interactiong between secular feminist theory and religious feminist theology, one must be aware of th epolitical climate in which the current wave of feminism originated..."

Kassian goen on to state further points she will address throughout the book, "This book examines the historical development of feminism and explores the lineage and interrelationship of its secular and religious veins. When the movement is studied chronologically, from a historical perspective, one can observe an overarching pattern: Feminism began with the deconstruction of a Judeo-Christian view of womanhood; progressed to the deconstruction of manhood, gender relationships, family/societal structures, and a Judeo-Christian worldview; and concluded with the concept of metaphysical pluralism, self-deification, and the rejections of the Judeo-Christian deity."

Kassian recognizes that "over the past decade, the ideas of feminism have been popularized and integrated into societal thought. Consequently, it has become difficult to distinguish feminism as a philosophy distinct from mainstream thought."

Let's be more aware of the issues at hand; let's be knowledgeable and able to stand for God's biblical truths in love.

From what I have read, this is a good source to learn about the movement of feminism and its impact on our culture.

Other great books that open your eyes to the way God has created men and women are: Captivating (stasi and john eldredge) and Wild at Heart (john eldredge)

Find some time to study up on this...may we make a difference for God's kingdom and glory! Selah!

Old Man Mountain

Caving in the dark, an adventure worth living. We all packed into the cave, quite a tight squeeze. Through crevices we make our way; crawling, falling. One by one we went, passing through like thread in a needle. Winding around and then out we come, from where we begun.

The shooting stars and beaming moonlight sends me into a peace I cannot explain. Lights from Estes stream through as lava flow, glowing red and orange. We pack into a pit and sleep for the night. Glorious. Wind rushing over the top of the mountain, sweeping over us smoothly as we lie in a sunken area. Sunrise comes quicker than imagined and we hike down at 4:45am.

When the Cold Wind Blows

When The Cold Wind Blows
by Don Chaffer and Lori Chaffer


When the cold wind blows all around
Will you still love me?
still love me
When the cold wind blows all around
Will you still love me?

When the lightning crashes
Hopes are dashed and I
Am asking how this comes to me
and why

When no home on Earth can be found
Will you still love me?
still love me
When no home on Earth can be found
Will you still love me?

When you left us last time
You said You’d return
And I’m sorry that it
takes so long to learn

That my hope is to walk forever
in the coolness of the day
Oh my hope is to walk forever
in the coolness of the day

When the cold wind blows all around
You will still love me

still love me
When the cold wind blows all around
You will still love me

white water tubing...one for the books

We nearly lost our lives today, seriously, all of us.It’s been a while since I’ve experienced such anadrenaline rush—one that surges through your body witha near death experience. One of that nature happensrarely, but today I was reminded of my dependence onGod as well as His people.

The water, like ice, seeped into my clothes with afrightening chill—apprehensive but excited all themore. We slowly made our way into the water, ploppinginto our tubes, only to be swept away by the forcefulcurrents.

Chrissy propped her foot out as to maneuver to theside of the rock but instead, the current propelledher into a backwards flip; somehow her sunglassesdidn’t budge from her head, quite amazing. She soonstepped out of the water to walk alongside theriver—she’d have no more of that.

Colton and I bolted to the front, somehow survivingthe rapids. Launched out of my tube I quickly reachedfor it and forced it back over my head, holding on fordear life. Never have I floated a river of thisintensity and soon I understood why. My legs beat intothe rocks, leaving a multitude of rock dents in myshins. Gasping for air in the roughest parts, waterwent into my ears and then I swallowed enough water tobe fearful of Giardia. I pulled off to the side for amoment when I saw the available lull: a two secondtime span. Colton passed me and I saw Anele in thedistance. Catching my breath, I braved the water once more andcaught up to Colton. Not long afterwards we saw twoempty tubes cruising down the river. All I could dowas hope and pray God was taking care of everyone.

In the meantime, Andy, Andrew, Swithin, Eli, andSonia found themselves in a blown-out rescue mission.Sonia clung to a rock in the middle of the river as abear hugging a tree. Sprawled out over a rock shelooked away as to not see the raging water. She fearedfor her life, praying, “Oh God, save me and I promiseI will not get back in this water!” She imagined thisrock to be Jesus. As tightly as she held on to thisrock she knew she had to hold on to Jesus just astightly and even more. Swithin was on one side of theriver while Eli and Andrew were on the other and Andywas downstream to catch Sonia in case she lost hergrip on the rock. Praise God for these men, for theythrew a rope out to Sonia—she missed a couple of timesuntil finally Swithin caught it and then gave it toSonia. They reeled her in to safety by God’s grace.

Colton and I kept cruising along. By now I wasgetting a feel for things, sitting comfortably againafter my spill. Suddenly I hear Colton yellingsomething fierce! I finally made it out to be, “Grabthe shoe! Grab the shoe!” Oh heavens, a shoe and nobody! We settled under a bridge to recoup and Coltonheld on to the lost shoe.

Little did we know, Anele was close behind us, onefoot shoeless, without contacts in her eyes, and anempty tube in both hands. We were all falling apart.

Chrissy kept chucking alongside, walking at a mildpace and looking to see if we were still alive.

Quite a ways downstream, Linda, Clint, Nikki, andAndrew braved the rapids. The current took Nikki aheadof the others and she ended up going down backwardsand then on her stomach on another rapid. She hit herhead on some of the rocks only to be followed by alast rapid which nearly drowned her as she was caughtunder the water for a time. Linda was flung from hertube and then later she got stuck in the surf waves ofa rapid, paddling with all her might to break free.Clint found himself facing skyward unexpectedly as thewaves flipped his tube vertically.

Sonia and Swithin, now on the other side of theriver, were in a predicament as they read numerousprivate property signs and beware of dog warnings…sothey ended up walking much further than planned inorder to get back with the rest of us. They evenbraved a violent cell phone man yelling at them as hepointed his phone like a gun.

Andy, Andrew R., and Eli kept floating along. Andy’stube somehow decided it would deflate itself. Being abig guy, this caused a multitude of problems,seriously. He found himself crashing into every rockpossible and with an airless tube at that. The kickerwas the final kidney punch one of the rocks gave him.Sonia described it to be wounds like the Passion ofthe Christ and Chrissy said he’d be peeing blood for aweek with a wound like that. Andrew endured severalblows as well, leaving some red welts on his chest.

Colton kept the shoe—that is until the very end. Wehit a huge waterfall and it sent him flying out of histube only to land hard on his right side. He said helanded so hard he wiggled his toes to see if he wasparalyzed or not. Praise God, they wiggled.Unfortunately, he lost the shoe in the process. Werode into the shore after that one and called itquits.

Chrissy eventually came down the dirt path andshortly following, Anele came carrying three tubes.There was a look of fright in her eyes that terrifiedus all. We didn’t know if the people were okay but atleast she saved the tubes so we could get our $5deposits back.

Andrew R. and Andy finally came and we met up withLinda, Clint, Nikki, and Andrew who had stayed back tofloat a shorter area. The funniest sight: Andy came upto us with this tiny, deflated tube, throwing it downand saying, “And I don’t know what happened to thisthing!” Then a few seconds later he gasps, “And to topit off, I just got stung by a bee!” He stomped on thebee and held out his hand to look at its alreadyswollen mark. Thankfully he was not deathly allergic.

While waiting for everyone to gather around withtheir battle wounds and bloody legs, wiping leechesoff our bodies, Anele and Eli started jumping into thewater with a rope swing. The next thing I knew, Eliwas laid out on some rocks with a crowd around her.Apparently she had fought with a rock and the rock gotthe best of her. She had a small but a deep gash inher leg that met the bone. Chrissy sacrificed herwhite tank top to wrap around Eli’s leg.

We turned in our tubes, looking like we just cameback from war and received our $5 deposits—orcompensation? I wondered if that’s all I thought mylife was worth… after all I did sign away my life fora few bucks.

Andrew drove Eli to the hospital to get stitches andthe rest of us rode home, thankful to be alive. We allhugged and praised God for keeping us alive. Truly,what an adventure! And if you asked me if I’d do it again—I’d probablysay yes. Call me stupid or cal me dumb; I like to callmyself adventurous.

Through all of this, God taught us that we need oneanother for survival, for love, for help, and forsupport. In such a self-sufficient, independentsociety, God reminded us that we cannot stand alone.We must depend on Him and be in community with people.We must hold tightly to Jesus all our lives.

As the river wound around and the rapids remainedunpredictable, and at times, violent, life itself wasrepresented. No matter how hard we paddled or foughtwe’d end up being swept away by the current. God’scourse will ultimately prevail. We can stand in thewater, but we’ll be pushed over by the white water andend up hitting rocks. If we paddle to the side we endup just staying stagnate and eventually must move onanyhow. If we try paddling against the flow of theriver we tire easily and end up hurt. Instead we musttrust blindly and hold on for the ride. God guides usas the river’s current does. We don’t always know whatis ahead but we must trust Him and move forward.

Early Mornings

Waking early proves a hard discipline for me; however, the rewards and intrinsic value from such a discipline are ten fold. Yesterday I woke at 5:30 for a long hike with Chelsy, Amy, and Angee. What a glorious day it was indeed.

Across the placid water lies and unshaken tree line pertruding from the ground. This wall of green pine blankets the mountain side part way up. Above the tree tops the snow covered peaks appear--rugged and alluring. As the wind picks up, the sound of lapping water meets my ears. A lone deer grazes in the meadows, coming down to the water for an early morning drink. The air, slightly chilled, seeps down to my bones--while the sun rises and begins to warm the land. Singing birds sprinkle the song of nature along with the buzzing bees and croaking frogs. Crystal clear, the lake water ripples along, the grass swaying with the current of life. Surrounded by beauty, I bask in God's creation and love. Looking to the heavens, a sky so blue with clouds paited here and there. Rocks perched out of water and along the shorline--ancient and hard pressed over time with stripes of minerals and endurance of time sealing them. Here upon this rock, overlooking the lake, I cast my fear to the sky. I jourey where no other has gone and I walk hand in hand with my Creator. O how I look upon this land with such satisfaction as how God looks upon his children with delight. A Mallard duck floats by, content with the stillness and peace of the land. He is by far the happiest duck I've ever spotted. For a moment I felt that I could be that duck gliding along the water's surface without a care in the world.

Today I woke once more to hike out to Bible Point with Chelsy. You can't beat two and a half solid hours with the Lord in the mountains as the start of your day...looks like PM shifts won't be so bad afterall.

Hiked to Bible Point, a good morning walk--just enought to break a sweat. Lord, this place speaks of your splendor. This morning I had my first elk sighting--four grand creatures grazing in the fields. Along the path I spotted the most beautiful tihng: an elk prancing through the woods as if he were royalty. His white rear end gave him away. It's like a target saying, "Here I am...in case you couldn't spot me." Lord, you are funny. Waking at 5:30 has been so refreshing. Thank you for helping to wake me.

The wind roaring all around me; thankfully I have found a cove to shelter me fromt eh balst of chilled air while I can continue looking out to the mountain range.

"I will wait in the cleft of the mountain for you to pass by. Will you come and meet with me?"
I sang this as I knew you were there, meeting with me.

The other night I sang this song with Macie and Stephen as we worshiped together, late into the night. Sitting there on the railing of the porch I staired out to the silhouetted mountains and the night sky--quite a sight. The breeze blew gently and our singing carried me away. The Lord engulfed me and for the next hour I knew there was no where else I'd rather be. Lord, you are so good to us and speak sweet-nothings in our ears--you draw us to you while you ardently pursue us. Selah.

Mountains and Cell Phones Hate Each Other

God blows my mind, seriously. I have yet to speak of Mexico and wow did God move there.

The silhouetted mountains take me away, the darkness with a glow shimmering through the smokey sky. Snow peaks...the mysterious stream trickling down, down, down. The silence of the night...the wind comes through to cast a clearing for the brilliant stars. Away from city lights and traffic, away from cell phones and the cares of life back home--there is a freedom here like no other.

If my cell phone weren't my only means of communication with certain people, I might actually consider giving it up for this coming school year--it has been so freeing not being bound to the ring of the cell phone. Hallelujah. I realize the amazing ability we have for communication in this present day and age, but at times it can become a burden. Being here where I really have no choice but to not have cell phone service, I realize how freeing it is. 'Tis a season.

Three pairs of gloves for the dish room, hair tied back, sore feet, persperation, dish back, trash and tray, line, beverage, Pine Room, Bakery, Pondo, Reusch, Walnut, black shoes, black pants, aprons poorly washed--once black but now brown-- cutting fruit, dirty work, cleaning walls for days we're over-staffed, music in the dish room (priceless, as it's a cd with four songs that plays for eight hours, no kidding)...not to mention the internationals who are amazing and hilarious: Caline, Swithin, Natalia, Sweet, Ricki, Meet, Tayo, Danna, Olga, Amanda...

God's Favor: I've been working in Food Service and one of the days I was pulled to help out with the fancy Pine Room. The next day Susan, our boss, called me in to talk. Candy,who is head of the Pine Room, wanted me to join the crew working in Pine. I let them know I appreciated the offer but would not be able to accept because waitressing hurt my wrists too much [with on-set carpal tunnel]. About 20 minutes later Candy came back to talk with me, proposing something else: she wanted me to be a supervisor for the Pine Room. What?! I had only worked there one day! The job would give me a pay increase of $50 more a week which would give me about $450 more by the end of the summer! God completely gave me favor with the staff here; it was nothing that I did! He is slowly providing for me! It reminded me of Esther in the Bible.

God's brought me back to the fruit of joy: once again he is showing me another aspect of joy... to find joy in Him alone and not in people. He had commanded me to be joyful, "Dyanne choose to be joyful," he spoke to me in the Fall. Then the spring came and He placed people around me who poured out their joyful spirit as I was revived and allowed the fruit of joy to expand in my heart. Now, He's pulled me away from people who maybe I was finding joy in--falsly. My source of joy must come from Him. Being placed in Hague as one of five LTers caused me to struggle a little at the beginning as everyone else was either in Hallates or Howard. Slowly I have seen my need to be in Hague--God has it all worked out. Now, two weeks into work He pulls me out of the Reusch where all of the other LTers in Food Service work and has placed me in the Pine Room. This has been very challenging for me as I will have all PM shifts, my free day will be Monday when most LTers either work or have Project day, and I am working the cash register as the supervisor--the last job I wanted to do as I've been a cashier for the past three years. However, God is helping me to find joy in such things. Reading in Celebration of Discipline, Foster states that "joy is the keynote of all the disciplines."

Contentment, I have found, comes when you are able to have joy in the moment and season God has given you. Being in the spirit and having a garment of praise--even when the situation is not necessarily the most favorable. Choosing to NOT dwell on the past or worry about the future but to embrace the very moment God has granted you. A huge aspect of contentment is walking the Spirit--living in God's presence all the time. Conversing with Him daily and being in relationship with Him.

In the Pine Room I have more time to pray, to talk with customers, to reach out to a different crowd, and to grow in my leadership skills. As a supervisor I am challenged to delegate and foresee what needs to be done. In the past, I have typically not been very good at such a task--management and delegating is usually the last job I'd like to take on. God's funny and He knows what He's doing. The good news is that delegating can be an aquired skill. I realize that as a teacher and probably a multitude of other things, I will need to be skilled in delegating. Praise you, Lord, for challenging me and extending much grace!

God's been opening doors: Music is something that I hold dear to my heart and desire to be a part of, always. I have been praying for about a year now for the Lord to develop my voice and to open doors for me to play flute. One day I would love to be a part of a worship team in some way and would love music to be a part of my ministry... the Lord is so faithful to answering prayers. He is slowly developing my voice--not that I'm any Celine Dion but my voice is definitely coming around--and it's all Him! This summer the Lord has been opening doors for me to play flute... auditions were being held for the worship band. After a speech delivered very persuasively about wanting even the flute players to audition (I know God spoke to me directly), I signed up for a time. I grabbed my flute after work and headed over to the audition room. The night air blew a peace over me that I had never had approaching an audition. It was the Lord's peace--no other explanation. Upon arriving, I had nothing prepared; all I knew is that the Lord told me to go, so I did. By God's grace, I was asked to be a part of the team--the following Thrusday proved to be a monumental moment for me as I faced one of my biggest fears: performing. I played there in from of all the LTers with a guitar and piano. The harmony and the smoothness of it amazed me. I soon became lost in the music and forgot what I was doing other than being a part of the music. I suppose that's how it should be. A year ago I probably would have passed out if I would have tried something like that--this is how I know the Lord is helping me overcome fear and to trust in Him. He's been speaking the truth to me about my "Audience of One" and He's helping me to overcome my ardent desire for approval. I stand before Him alone. ...I am excited to see where he leads me in music. There are some other people whom I have met this summer that want to play their guitar with me and my flute. By God's grace, I will have the opportuntiy to do so. There is one guy who is majoring in music and plays classical guitar; he has a guitar and flute piece that we want to play. Lord, thank you for opening doors for me!

Approval and Fear are my two biggest obstacles hindering my walk with Christ. He has revealed this to me through a teaching from John Drage. Funny thing, He's addressing both of these areas of my life this summer...He is so good.

Coming into LT, I was very apprehensive about being in a Project with people I did not know. Two weeks in and I would not change a thing. I absolutely love that I am with people who do not put me in a box because of who they think I am. Here I am able to expand and grow in ways that I could not grow back home because of preconceived ideas that people had about me. I feel like I am able to really reach out in ways that maybe I would not test back home--especially in areas of leadership.

I'm becoming quite the coon as Chrissy would say, as I just don't give a dang. I'm beginning to give up my great desire to find approval from others...I'm able to just be myself--finding my identity in Christ. This has been a main focus in our project and it's been so refreshing.

As a Lifegroup leader I am being very challenged as Iam able to pour into women and help to lead them,encourage them, hear their hearts, and go to greatdepths with them. Being vulnerable with them is key asa leader must be vulnerable if anyone else is to bevulnerable. I love to see how God orchestrates things soperfectly. I planned to speak on the Audience of Onefor a devotional time that I was asked to share andthat night after I shared, John spoke about some ofthe exact things God has placed on my heart to share.Not only that, but the next week I decided to sharesome verses and stuff about identity in Christ. Well,for saturday service John shared about identity inChrist! Then I decided for next week that we'd shareour testimonies...On Tuesday John spoke about theimportance of knowing our testimonies...God works itall out to a T. Then, this Tuesday Clint shared adevotional with us and that night our speaker used theexact verses that Clint had talked to us about...

It's hard for me to understand those who do not like to laugh. I believe that so much freedom comes when you are able to be joyful and laugh about life.

The other day I was thinking: what a dumb disclaimer we make so often, "I'm gonna go do [fill in the blank] really fast." That "really fast" tag at the end seems to represent the hastiness of our culture and the impatience we have. There'd be no need to say that if there wasn't a fear of inconveniencing someone who is obviously not patient enough to wait for you to do something "really quick." I suppose I've been thinking about the impatience of our culture a lot since I've been back from Mexico. O how I do miss their time schedule.

Today I prayer walked with Kim, met with Sharon (an older woman) and drew with oil pastels and charcoal pencils (so liberating), and spent some time alone with the Lord. I find it very difficult to guard my alone time with the Lord here as there is always something to do. There is no time more precious to me than when it's just you and me, Lord.

There is so much more, but time is limited. Know that God is moving mightily and is transforming lives.





Hands by Jewel
//If I could tell the world just one thing It would be that we're all ok And not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these I will not be made useless I won't be idled with despair I will gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear My hands are small, I know, but they're not yours they are my own but they're not yours they are my own and I am never broken Poverty stole your golden shoes but it didn't steal your laughter And heartache came to visit me but i knew it wasn't ever after We will fight, not out of spite for someone must stand up for what's right cause where there's a man who has no voice there ours shall go singing In the end only kindness matters In the end only kindness matters I will get down on my knees and I will pray I will get down on my knees and I will pray I will get down on my knees and I will pray My hands are small, I know, but they're not yours they are my own but they're not yours they are my own and I am never broken My hands are small, i know, but they're not yours they are my own but they're not yours they are my own and I am never broken We are never broken We are God's eyes God's hands God's mind We are God's eyes God's hands God's heart We are God's eyes God's hands God's eyes God's hands We are God's hands God's hands We are God's hands//

This song reminded of how I am God's instrument andthat He is always there with me as I go about my day,I only have to remember Him and call upon Him. So manytimes we get caught up in the little things or maybethey're even significant, but eternally they reallydon't compare. God reminds me daily to have an eternalperspective. The past week I have struggled with gluttony as I amworking in food service. God reminded me of theamazing freedom I have in Christ. This past semesterHe has taught me so much about self-control and havingfreedom in the Spirit. It is for freedom he has cometo set us free...this I have experienced and know.It's the paradox...giving up your desires and all thatthe flesh cries out for, but then rendering it to thecontrol of the Holy Spirit. I am no longer controlledby these ceaseless temptations and sin which onlydarken my heart, but am free to be led by the HolySpirit.

Going hiking out here is absolutely beautiful andliberating--tomorrow I am setting out at 5:30am withmy friend Chelsy...we're going on a hike before work.God has painted such a sight..He is the artist. There is so much more, but time is limited. Know thatGod is moving mightily and is transforming lives.

no somos cerdos...

muchos tumulos...

mexico
God's doing amazing things
growing and transforming
many know Him for the first time
much reflection
much prayer
amen!

must retreat for the nite--
g'night.

[more later]

Changing Seasons

The car creeps up to the stop sign, a stillness in the air. Click, click, the blinker sounds. Roaring of the vehicle tempers to a lull. A deep breath fills my lungs and a sigh relieves me. Finals and work--done. Complete. Not having homework feels as though I've been freed from a prison! I suppose I forget how much pressure builds during the semester when I'm in it all. Somehow, the Lord keeps me strong and persistant as well as relaxed. However, the relief amazes me everytime. Summer's ahead and knowing that it will not be filled with school excites me! I released the brake, accelerating at a mild pace, knowing home was only a few blocks away.

Bittersweet. Tonight's the official last night that I'll be living with Mary and Sarah. Seasons are changing--in life that is. I always find these times hard to process right away. So I don't. I just go with it and wait until I'm ready to process. What a blessing it's been to have Mary as my roommate for two years and Sarah for a semester. Lord, you are good to me; beyond good.

Ashley and I worked together for a year and now she's gone--going to England to start a new season in her life.

Our paths crossed
Only for a time
She parts, taking the memories with her
England's her destination
Life's a funny thing
Perhaps we'll never see each other again
Perhaps we will
The year's over and now our paths diverge
Time has come to say 'Goodbye'

As I drove home [aww, I really do feel as though B/CS is my home and not my parents' house] from Victoria, the currents of wind through my car, the smell of summer, the sight of rolling hills and cattle, I wondered what it'd be like to ride with someone I really cared about--in a romantic way that is. Three years and coming since I've been in a relationship; three amazing years at that. Still, I wonder. What would we talk about or not talk about? Would we hold hands? Laugh at nothing at all and then again everything? Would we be comfortable in silence? Sing our favorite songs? ...probably. Until then, I ride alone with You, Lord--that is until you say another may join us for the ride.

O Lord, you are good to me! May I never forget that!

Lord, You know; You know.

Slowly, I'm realizing the importance of 'superficial' conversations. Without them, without the shallow end of the pool, you'd never get to the deep end. I suppose I've always heard this said before, but I am beginning to remember its importance and truly grasp the weight of it. This plays out very much when discipling people. This I am learning.

Reading The Call...Realizing I want to be a 'dreamer of the day' and not just a daydreamer... "a dreamer of the day actually responds to the gap between vision and reality by closing it."
Also realizing I do not want choice to debilitate me--we are saturated with decisions, choices and opportunities, causing us to stray from commitment. This leaves us in a pitiful state, really. [Funny I just read this chapter b/c Mary and I were just talking about this very problem only a few nights ago--Lord, You know what you're doing]. That's all I'll say on this--I'm too tired to type more than that.

G'Night.

Leaving to Stay

Listening to some blues...

Tears for my dad today...nothing fits his spiritual state better than this song...I cry every time I hear him sing it with the guitar. I realized what the lyrics were saying about a year ago and I wept as he sang this with more conviction than I ever knew. O Lord! Bring my dad to your feet! Hallelujah! Lord, You are good. You are good! I believe you-- for your glory will shine as my dad comes back to You as the prodigal son did! Selah!

"Leaving To Stay" Jonny Lang

I can't believe in what I've seen
I been forsaken. I been deceived
Cast aside and left behind
I can't believe my own eyes

I been waiting for the glory
Of the coming of the Lord
I heard a lot of stories
But all my prayers have been ignored
I been waiting in the wings
Between the ocean and the shore
But this time I'm leaving to stay
I'm walking away

I seen the red sky in the morning
I seen the low tide slipping away
I do believe I'll take warning
Taking my leave to stay

Like an angel afraid to fly
Like the last lonely rose hung on the vine

Weeping Willow

Mary and I were talking about how much we love Weeping Willows.

One day I'd like to find a really huge one, like the one at my Grandma's old house, and read under its canopy. There's something peaceful and almost lethargic about the Willow. I used to sit under its branches as a little girl, pretending that it was a hidden cove out by the park. I'd gaze out at the pond, watching the ducks glide across the water. I knew it's peace then and I desire it today. May I rest under your branches o Willow?

"Oh, Atlanta" Alison Krauss

Same old place Same old city What can I do? I'm falling in love I'm just an old hound dog Roaming around, oh Lord I've got all this and Heaven above Oh, Atlanta I hear you calling I'm coming back to you one fine day No need to worry There ain't no hurry cause I'm On my way back to Georgia On my way back to Georgia I get a feeling in me When I remember all those crazy days and crazier nights Can't you hear the music playing? You must have heard them saying We're gonna rip 'em up and light up the night

The Great Escape

Mary and I escaped to the ocean...we had been planning to go since last semester and desired to go long before...so we finally nailed down a date for this semester and pushed through to finally make our way out to sea.

After our scavenger hunt for HG party, we bailed...leaving behind my camera [as it was used for the scavenger hunt]. I imagine the surprise of people's faces when we were no where to be found and all that remained was my camera. tee-hee. We made a pit stop by the church office to leave a note for Sarah and use the restrooms and then hit the road. Late into the night we drove, open space, no traffic.

We arrived around 1:20am and parked it on the beach. We had the entire beach to ourselves...freedom at last! We spent the next few hours exploring the beach, walking the shoreline, barefoot and elated. So surreal. Roaring ocean. Salty air. Whipping wind. Sound of crashing waves. Sandy toes. Night crabs. Overcast sky with a few stars in sight. It was absolutely glorious!

Took off running down the coast, the wind blowing something furious and the waves wetting us to our knees. All I could do was smile.

God's character shone through more and more as I witnessed the ocean, His creation. Something so powerful yet so peaceful. The paradoxes roll out... so dangerous yet a safe haven. Constant, like God, the waves just conitnue day in and day out.

Mary and I slept in my car that night. We didn't mind. Loved it actually. The best part of waking up was hearing that beastly beaut of an ocean [not Folger's in your cup].

Time to reflect, journal, sing. Rising sun. Storm blowin' in, blowin' out. Little rain never hurt nobody. Sun coming out. Feeding the birds. Busting open a coconut washed up on shore [rotten coconut milk smells wretched by the way]. Shells. Crabs. Jellyfish. Sunbathing. Walking the beach. Playing in the sand. "Endless possibilities at the beach."

Loaded up and headed home around 4pm...drove through a Houston thunder storm-- hail, lightening and all--fantastic. Driving out of it only to see an absolute truth of God's promise to never flood the earth again: a rainbow. Brilliant colors and it was a double rainbow at that! Such a blessing!

God put Psalm 93 on my heart for this roadtrip...

1The LORD reigns, he is robed in majesty;
the LORD is robed in majesty
and is armed with strength.
The world is firmly established;
it cannot be moved.

2 Your throne was established long ago;
you are from all eternity.

3 The seas have lifted up, O LORD,
the seas have lifted up their voice;
the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.

4 Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
mightier than the breakers of the sea—
the LORD on high is mighty.

5 Your statutes stand firm;
holiness adorns your house
for endless days, O LORD.

Long night ahead, studying 'til 2am and talking with Sarah 'til 3:30am...only to wake at 6:30am for my final. Awoohoo...no need for coffee...delirium had set in. Sarah and I slept in the church office on the floor using pillows and blankets from my beach trip. Ha...Sarah said, "Hey everyone, you didn't come to the lock-in! Only Dyanne showed up..." O Sarah, she's a funny one. =)

____________________________

Some words from my Granny (7.12.02):

I have a special role to play in your life. I have never made you a home-made birthday cake, but think how many S'mores we have made. I have never brought you a dress, but I did buy you your first rod and reel. I have never taught you how to do your hair, but I taught you it was O.K. to wear the wet look in the river, pool, and ocean. I have never done your nails, but I have held your tan, sandy hand as I taught you how to walk upon the sand beside our sea.

So because you are mine and I am yours, I wish for you these eternal things: May all your sands be firm, waves gentle, seas smooth, winds soft, and suns warm. If they aren't, seek God and His special harbor when the storms of life come, and they will come. I hope that I have taught you in some little way how to make it through your "Oceans of Emotions."

Fishing

Here's an essay I wrote for a scholarship back in my senior year of high school...

“Dad! My line’s stuck again!” I set my fishing pole down and ran over to fish with his pole until he freed my line. As luck would have it, I found myself entangled in a mess once again: “Dad, your line is stuck!” My dad never lost his patience or his temper; instead, he reformed situations that seemed impossible to find the least bit humorous. “It must be the big one— he just broke loose from your line; maybe we can reel him in this time,” my dad would joke. Precious moments such as these filled my childhood with words of wisdom: “Don’t sweat the small stuff and look at things from a different perspective.” My dad taught me lessons by practicing the words he preached. He always baited his own hooks and taught me to bait mine. “Dyanne, come over here and bait this hook,” he said. I doddled, dreading the moment I had to place that worm in my fingers and then thrusting its body through the hook but not before ripping its body in half to ration the bait. As insignificant as this may seem, my dad trained me to do things for myself.

I was ready to cast when I heard my dad shout, “Wait!” I turned my head to find that I was about to rip my sister’s shirt off; the hook had caught itself in the end of her T-shirt. Thank goodness for Dad; he helped me to always be aware of my surroundings. I unhooked my sister, and just as I thought my cast was going to be successful, SNAP! My line caught the tree and broke in half. “Dad! I need you!” As he came over, he had no look of disappointment, only encouragement. “I can’t reach the rest of the line— I need you to get it for me,” I begged. He picked up our fishing bucket and set it upside down. “Now you can reach it,” he confirmed. Sure enough, it was within reach. “Never set limits, never. There’s always a way, even if you need a little help sometimes.”

My dad prepared my line once again: “Ok, you’re all set— go for it!” I anxiously took the pole and cast into the water. Time passed and nothing…. I set my pole down and my dad shook his head. “Pick that up! And catch us some dinner; try that spot over there.” Ready to give up, I relocated and fished for a while. I waited for what seemed like an eternity, and then my bob went underwater! “Dad! Dad!… I think I caught something!” I began to reel it in, but the fish sure did fight back, swimming from side to side, struggling with all its might. I slowly reeled in my line, using all my strength. After a drawn out battle, I reeled in the biggest fish I had ever seen (well, on my fishing line)! My dad was waiting with the pliers and pulled the hook out of its mouth. I held up my fish with pure pride and grinned from cheek to cheek. Persistence and determination. “Never give up,” I could hear my dad echo.

-------------------------------

...fishing with my dad brings back some of my fondest memories.

--------------------------------

...the sea is so close i can nearly feel it and taste it and smell it... i will venture there soon enough...we leave in the night [a get-away]...sleeping in the car or perhaps on the beach...there for sunrise...day in the sun...o wonderous sea! o wonderous God!

--------------------------------

I am loving every moment; content with the very minute the Lord has given me. Why worry about tomorrow? Why dwell on the past? Now is the time He's given me. This is a significant concept to grasp and when you do, walking with the Lord feels so much freer!

Emotions?

...talking with Sarah tonight...so I'm not that much of a "crier" per se...just emotional--hmm, emotional has a bad conotation sometimes; I'm not emotional in the moody sense or the drastic rollar coaster ride (yippee, hop-on!), but really, it's more that I feel things deeply and am fairly empathetic--I am in touch with my emotions you could say. so there. I encourage you to be in touch with your emotions. However, don't let them rule over you. I have to go write my speech now which sarah so faithfully kept me from for the last two hours. =)

Star Filled Sky

Laying under those sparkling diamonds, it seemed as though I could have reached out for them; the vastness, the veil of darkness with piercings of light shining through. Chatter and singing in the backgroud, I lay there in silence, looking up to You and Your beauty. A shooting star gliding across the sky--almost spiritual. I realized how much I really do love silence. I longed for it in those moments. I loved hearing the buzzing of friends and even music, but my soul longed for the silence--save the sound of nature and Your voice. Remembering these very moments in Montana: You and Your mountains and the clearest sky I've ever seen, the stars shone brighter than I've ever witnessed. Laying there under those imprints of light, I knew You were with me.

The same sky I looked to that night, those children look to as well. Those same stars that speak truth to my heart, speak to those children. O Lord, may they know You by your creation.

Psalm 147:3-5

3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.

4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.

5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.

"Gooden'," Lord

Lord, you can do so much in one year, one semester, one month, one week, one day, one hour, one minute, one second....

This weekend packed full of encouraging time with people I love. Blessed be Your name!

Some sweet words of affirmation and encouragement from people I respect and value greatly; o how I hold words close to my heart. Indeed, I am a words of affirmation lover. ...and quality time--clearly.

__________________________________________________________________

I received an email to day:

"I am attaching the final and will have it
on webct by tomorrow so it can be submitted
on line.  If you have any trouble please
email me.  This is due by 9pm on
Wednesday of this week.
Dr. Gooden"

Take-home final? 9pm Wednesday? Dr. Gooden?
After the initial panic, I soon realized that this
was a misdirected email; a fear shot through me...
the class I forgot to go to all semester...Reading 411...
*long sigh* no, I'm not in that class, I reminded
myself. I had to chuckle--I have not been
 stressed about finals until that very moment
and then the feeling subsided just as quickly as
it had appeared. I downloaded the final just
for kicks--mostly to praise the Lord that I didn't
have to actually take it.

...haha, that was a "Gooden'," Lord.

Currents of Life and Love

you are a riddle [a conundrum]
this is a quagmire of sorts
nebulous future

riddle to be solved?
only God and time tell that
currents of love flow

deeper than the sea;
i see the complexities,
however, simple

close your eyes tonight
the distant shore of love's here
...to be held one day

as the flower blooms,
so my love escapes me now.
commitment to stay

where this leads, no say
this river needs direction
say go and i'll go

we'll live together,
in love--through the test of time
tried and true, we'll be

don't let fear plague us
it will be to our demise
come away with me

there is no end now
what's to come remains unknown
life's currents still flow

What I learn-ed

Some things I've been learning:

We are not above temptation. Walking in the Spirit is imperative.

God is a God of order and focus. He's not gonna throw a bunch of stuff at you and say, "Good luck with that." He works in seasons, themes, and has a definite focus--He's not scatterbrained. This is why it's so important to reflect on what He's done, what He's taught you, and what He's going to do. Looking back, I see all the things He's taught me throughout the semester/summer/year and then I ask Him what He is going to do in the upcoming months. This has had a tremendous impact on my walk with Him. Reflection is needed often.

"You are slow to warm up and fast to retreat. Not slow to warm up as in you are stuck-up, but that it takes you some time to really feel comfortable around people." This is definitely true. "However, God continues to open you up more and more and helps you to be more confident in who you are." This is also true. I've seen how the Lord has continued to grow my confidence in Him and has helped me to overcome certain insecurities along the way; this has been a season of uprooting many insecurities. I'm still forging onward, allowing Him to continue digging up these poisons that hinder and then replacing these weeds with His love. Beautiful, yes. A process, most certainly.

The fear of the Lord does not mean fright or terror; rather, a good relationship with God in that it is based on reverence and respect for him and his commands.

Brief highlights from the semester:
*God's been teaching me self-control, growing that fruit (esp. in the area of food)
*Getting my heart in the right place for missions and ministry and such
*Contentment in singleness
*Joy in the Lord is my strength, growing the fruit of joy
*Learning to fight depression; claiming victory and having deliverance, amen!
*Discovering the dire need to meet people where they are at; to love as He loves.
*God's patience is not slowness as we understand it, but His patience means salvation.
*Understanding the huge foothold that unforgivenness gives to the enemy
*Laying my burdens down because the weight of the world is too much to carry alone
*Revival in intercession...carrying others into the presence of God
*Claiming a garment of praise over me
*Learning to appreciate the different mindsets (cause, community, corporate) and not just the ones that I am strongest in; also learning to appreciate and to love through different love languages (esp. ones that are not my number one--service...o but God has been growing this area...slowly but surely)
*He's been growing my patience, growing this fruit--giving me a longer fuse; teaching me how to be patient with others and still love.
*Uprooting insecurities; helping me tap into some of my talents and sharing them with others
*Learning how much we really do have a choice when tempted...how important it is to allow the Holy Spirit to lead and guide and give you power over your flesh, the world, and Satan
*Recognizing attacks and seeing the link to ministry in some cases
*Spontaneity in the Lord...not floating amoeba
*Having a focus...listening to God and hearing from Him...what does He want me to pray for...what is He wanting to do...
*Learning more and more how love is a choice and involves commitment and sacrifice
*Having an appreciation and even affinity for the Old Testament (dang boy that's some good stuff!)
*Asking to be a key to fit into the locks of others as to reach out and speak to their hearts
*Brokenness for the lost...the nations...the immediate...
*Greater understanding of humble servitude and leadership
*Learning even more about submission
*Continually admiring and observing how the Lord orchestrates things so perfectly
*Everything, everything is in His perfect timing
*To be the willing volunteer--not the hesitant one or the overly ambitious one
*Not doing something can be disobedient but doing too much is just as much of a sin
*Don't allow emotions to drive you--they are not the say all end all
*Choosing to do what God says and not falling into the vice of trying to meet my own expectations or the assumed expectations of others


Whew, God's done a lot this semester! What an overflow! Praise you, Lord! Hallelujah!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Something I learned tonight:
"Mexican food and blueberry muffins: Those are mexiberry burps-- bluesican burps." That one's for you, Sarah (and David).

More old stuff

10.26.2005

...absolutely breath-taking....

...quit everything and live among the sea...only a dream i suppose...*sigh*

tonight on my way home i was in the usual state of deep thought while driving and absorbing the genuine sound of music when i looked up to the heavens just in time to witness the most beautiful thing and yet a most despairing sight--a falling star. the bright star fell half way down the darkened sky and flickered out as it came to its end. almost as if the remnants of fireworks fading away....the death of a star...one less in the sky of billions upon billions...

The music plays so profoundly in my ears. A deepening of the soul, it feels as though something in me comes alive--that which must be induced by the very sound of brilliance vibrating through the air, shimmering sweet melodies of life and love. Trinkets of golden whispers flourish as wisps through time. The incessant drone of life becomes filled with harmonious measure which serves to penetrate the heart and soul with something words cannot describe. Ode to music for its delight. How beautiful an expression God has graciously given to us all. One can most certainly hear the voice of God through the virtuous notes streaming from composers such as Beethoven and Mozart. A lingering nostalgia settles as the notes emerge and the mind begins to ponder things forgotten or brushed aside. Intricate tones resonate and the entwined rhythms flow as one. Unity encompasses the ensemble and resembles the picture of the church with
every part contributing, working together, and helping to the proper functioning of the whole body. Each person needed for the unity and overall production and existence of the whole. Within the band/orchestra exists a structure, an order, and layered leadership. The same remains within the body of Christ--order, structure, and layered leadership. Operating together, beautiful and glorifying all in one.

Friday, September 30, 2005

A surge of caffeine runs through my veins causing my hands to shake like a leaf. Neither accustomed to medicines, caffeine, nor alcohol, my body reacts with great unfamiliarity. Typically I will have no more than one coffee a month, thus when I do, it reacts with much potency. I suppose this sudden spur of energy will have a lasting effect for several hours only to be followed by an unfortunate crash. I neither enjoy the state of not being in control nor being in an unfamiliar situation. This probably applies not only to my physical being but also for other aspects of my life. So often I find myself having to surrender the comfortable and familiar--allowing the Lord to lead me and help me step beyond the zone of comfort. Not that I am referencing caffeine as something I should intake more often-- but rather the idea of "not liking the feeling of being out of control" has caused me to realize my natural tendency of remaining in a zone of complete familiarity. A disciple of Christ leads no easy life and is constantly being challenged to go forth and step out in faith. Jesus said to leave all for His sake--that is a radical thing which calls for one to most definitely walk miles beyond his comfort. Wednesday, September 28, 2005 Driving home last night the Lord gave me this vision: Living in a desert where water is a rarity and shelter from the scorching sun rays is virtually nonexistent, everyone struggles to quench his thirst...many have begun to eat sand, pouring it down, believing it to be water--a mere mirage. The sand is deadly--causing more pain and thirst anyone could imagine. Tears fill the eyes of so many. This presumably is the world. As believers, we do not need the "sand" to try and quench our thirst. The sand only makes the soul grieve with thirst and leaves man in a sickly state. Whether the sand represents drugs, alcohol, lust, "having" control, food, etc., it will NEVER satisfy. Then with a flash of light, the people in the desert see a lush oasis filled with food and water, proving to be the only place for rest and true life. The believers know this place as the very Lord Himself. He is the oasis in the desert. In this dying place He is life--He brings life. Here His children can drink and never thirst again. Here they find rest. People all around are asked to give up the "sand" and come before the Lord, empty and waiting to be filled. Revelation 16Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. 17For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Tuesday, September 20, 2005 Deeply provoked by an onslaught of events, the humdrum life ceased to play along, now only aspiring to the darkest of times when the human lies at its weakest. What plagues one so as to end his life—the very question I ask, I so considered in the past. Miles and years from those days, I feel the intensity of depression as it sets upon the soul as a thick, stagnate smog, suffocating any life which exists. He slowly creeps in with the lies, the loneliness, the self-pity, the guilt…you no longer resemble the one whom God created you to be. Twisted truths, deceived by clouded paradigms, glossed over with the idea that you are alone in this and deserve everything you are feeling…he has meddled with something far more precious than he could even know…he slithers in like a snake and causes even the wisest to fall. The sweetest rose he appears, only growing into a beastly sort as the victim begins to accept his coexistence. A parasite he is. Nothing good. No. Anger stirs in me, for I know that it was an untimely death. A victim to the enemy. My blood boils with fury as I curse the devil. May he burn in hell where he belongs. Confusion, guilt, lies, mockery, theft, maliciousness…all of these he is. I cry out to the Lord…a plea for the ones he so deceives. He leads them astray by the hundreds, thousands…