Southern Bell

Switching over to Wordpress.com

2012-01-24T00:44:00.001-06:00

Well, I've moved from xanga to blogspot and now I'm moving again to wordpress.com.There are more options and it's easier to use. Here is my new site: okraboats.wordpress.com

I write because I remember. And I treasure our memories.

2012-01-22T10:00:00.003-06:00

Over the Christmas break I saw the movie, The War Horse, with my Grandma and then my Granny went to go see it as well.

Upon returning, my Granny was thrilled and said, "I felt like I was really there. With the surround sound I was ducking every time I heard a gun go off!" Seeing the movie brought about a serge of poems in her mind.

My Granny's brain is like a treasure chest of meandering thoughts, facts, poems, ideas, and stories. Somehow she remembers them all and saves them for just the right time when she might need them.

Watching the movie had triggered her memory of poems. I was sitting at the computer and she started spatting off lines to an old poem she once taught to her English class, "The General came in a new tin hat..."

I started typing it in the google search and found it right away. Before she could finish saying the second line I read it along with her. She was so amazed! She then, as she always does, demanded (but really was just asking) me to read the poem.

I began to read aloud... about half way through the first stanza I remembered that my Granny doesn't just play with poetry, she lives and breathes it. After all, she taught it for many years and she considers herself to be a poet of sorts. I grew up with her teaching me how to read poetry with enthusiasm. I'm not sure that I learned very well. But, it was always fun to have her teach us a thing or two about reciting poetry.

So, I read the poem, forgetting to be enthusiastic. She went along with me by memory... Then I said, "Till the Sergeant whispered, “Third-line trench!”" Not thinking about how to read poetry, I just read it normally. Then I heard my Granny shuffle and get ready for the next line and she whispered, “Third-line trench!”

I laughed out loud realizing that she was making a point-- the line was to be whispered-- to be kept in tact for its original meaning and impact. How disgraceful of me to not whisper! But really~ it is necessary for this poem when being read aloud!

She continued citing the poem from memory, adding emphasis and whispering when called to do so.

I'm not sure I have a point to this story-- except that reciting poetry with my Granny has always been something that is like a precious treasure. You never know when she will open up that treasure chest of hers and pull out some poem she has hidden away~ I'm not sure every grandchild can say that they spent time reciting poetry and catching fish with their Granny. I'm fortunate enough to have a Granny who has taught me so much about life-- the depths of life, the joys, the sorrows, and the humor of life.

If for anything, I write because I remember. And, I treasure our memories.

======

Here's the whole poem for reference (it's actually pretty funny):

Pershing at the Front

by Arthur Guiterman (1871-1943)

The General came in a new tin hat

To the shell-torn front where the war was at;

With a faithful Aide at his good right hand

He made his way toward No Man’s Land,

And a tough Top Sergeant there they found,

And a Captain, too, to show them round.

Threading the ditch, their heads bent low,

Toward the lines of the watchful foe

They came through the murk and the powder stench

Till the Sergeant whispered, “Third-line trench!”

And the Captain whispered, “Third-line trench!”

And the Aide repeated, “Third-line trench!”

And Pershing answered- not in French-

“Yes, I see it. Third-line trench.”

Again they marched with wary tread,

Following on where the Sergeant led

Through the wet and the muck as well,

Till they came to another parallel.

They halted there in the mud and drench,

And the Sergeant whispered, “Second-line trench!”

And the Captain whispered, “Second-line trench!”

And the Aide repeated, “Second-line trench!”

And Pershing nodded: “Second-line trench!”

Yet on they went through mire like pitch

Till they came to a fine and spacious ditch

Well camouflaged from planes and Zeps

Where soldiers stood on firing steps

And a Major sat on a wooden bench;

And the Sergeant whispered, “First-line trench!”

And the Captain whispered, “First-line trench!”

And the Aide repeated, “First-line trench!”

And Pershing whispered, “Yes, I see.

How far off is the enemy?”

And the faithful Aide he asked, asked he,

“How far off is the enemy?”

And the Captain breathed in a softer key,

“How far off is the enemy?”

The silence lay in heaps and piles

And the Sergeant whispered, “Just three miles.”

And the Captain whispered, “Just three miles.”

And the Aide repeated, “Just three miles.”

“Just three miles!” the General swore,

“What in the heck are we whispering for?”

And the faithful Aide the message bore,

“What in the heck are we whispering for?”

And the Captain said in a gentle roar,

“What in the heck are we whispering for?”

“Whispering for?” the echo rolled;

And the Sergeant whispered, “I have a cold.”

i don't understand

2012-01-22T09:24:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure I could go through life without laughing. Or even a day.

I LOVE laughing and I espeically love people who make me laugh. Or movies or comics, etc. I'm glad that my roommate makes me laugh.

In Korea there are always things that make me chuckle, mostly because I don't want to be upset, because I don't understand it or it's just so different. Here are a few...

Korea is a night culture. Wake up early in the morning and you will not find any businesses open-- espeically coffee shops! They only open around 10am. Yup. Only after you need the coffee!

During the day, I looked out my window and all was quiet, and all was still here in our little neighborhood. Come the setting sun and suddenly there is bustling in every direction. Lights, sounds, movement. The night culture of Korea.

I call it the city that never sleeps. Because, really, it never does. But, it is most certainly more of a night culture than a morning or even day culture.

The pitter patter of children's feet in the apartment above you at ten to midnight is very telling... or the little children sitting at a restaurant or the GS 25 (a little convenient store with tables outside) at 10pm while their parents drink Soju (the korean alcohol)... or the Adjuma playing tennis with her grandchild in the park at 11pm... or the kids getting off of the bus after 10pm... And we wonder why the kids are falling asleep in class the next day... hmmmm.

I always laugh when we get the apartment announcements-- it's a little scary the first time you hear it. You wonder who is in your house and talking to you, but then you realize that it's over the speaker.

Or how about the fully covered women walking by the river-- not an inch of their skin is showing-- gloves, hat, long sleeves, pants, face mask... and even when you travel you can always spot the Korean with her high heels, umbrella and long sleeves by the beach (at least Semy and I could!^^)

Or the toilet paper freebie attached to a box of cereal. Free with purchase. Hey, it's weird, but I'll take free stuff.

Or how not washing your hands after you use the bathroom and sneezing and coughing without covering your mouth is acceptable but not picking up a piece of paper off the floor or wearing your shoes inside.

Or the pickles that come with the pizza... or the corn that is always mixed in with the sauce and cheese (and salads and sandwiches).

High heels all the time: ice, snow, beach...it doesn't matter.

It's okay to wear short skirts that almost show your butt, though it's not okay to show your shoulders or anything below your neck line.

Or how a simple thing like an oscillating fan can become a death trap. And that they're not even joking. Really, I promise I won't die if I sleep with my fan on.

Or how Kimchi some how prevents all sickness, including H1N1-- but only for Koreans.

Or how rain in the Spring can make your hair fall out.

And the 4th floor means death.

Or how you can NEVER change the menu (like asking for something extra or exchanging something for something else). The menu's perfect; of course we can't change it.

hmm,... the little idiosyncrasies of Korealand.

These are just a few of the things that make me chuckle, and sometimes ask, WHY?

I don't always understand the things that go on here or why they happen the way they do... but it does keep my day interesting at least. There is always something new to learn or witness.

"Smiling's My Favorite!"

2012-01-22T07:27:00.000-06:00

I love simple gestures of kindness.

I always get so surprised in Korea when someone is kind to me. You see, I'm used to being stared at, told to "shhhsh", pushed around, nearly spit on, yelled at by Adjashis and Adjumas... It could also be because I'm a Southern Bell who comes from the land of manners and being sweeter than honey. I was never one of those "refined" types necessarily, but definitely more kin to manners than this sort of thing. I feel like a lot of my polished manners have become unpolished since being in Korea. Southern culture clashes with city culture and Korean culture all at once. It's been an interesting mingling of the two.

You see, manners are not viewed the same here. Good manners can be considered smacking when you eat to let people know you're enjoying your meal-- for example.

I guess you adapt over time to certain things. Some things you never grow accustomed to; you just learn how to tolerate it if you know you can't change it.

Well, I am always so happy when someone does something kind to me in this country. A lot of places love to do little things for "service". When I went to the Pharmacy yesterday, the lady handed me a warm bottle of herbal tea. Now, I know that she was giving them to everyone, so you could say that it really wasn't that kind, rather just the way it was done. But, nonetheless, it was nice to receive it.

I love when people offer their seat to me or do their best to speak English (even though I should be trying to speak Korean!). Or when people smile at me from time to time (a rare but precious occasion). One time when I was on the subway with Semy and Melody, coming back from grad school, there was this sweet old man who was just smiling so big at us, as if he was so pleased to see us there. It wasn't that uncomfortable stare or lustful stare that you usually get, it was a genuine, sweet stare and smile. Those are the kinds of gestures that make me smile and make me remember how much I love people.

A smile can go a long way. When I was running by the river a few years ago, this old woman smiled real big at me-- like she was so pleased to see a foreigner out running. It was during a time when I was hating Korea. That was just the smile I needed.

Sometimes I miss home where everyone smiles, even if you're a stranger. It just spreads joy. I wish people smiled more here. The wrinkle cream market in Korea would thank me. ;-)

Next time you're out and about, remember to smile at someone. One smile can go a long way.

As my good buddy , Elf, says, "Smiling's my favorite!"

Korea: not the land of prevention.

2012-01-22T07:01:00.003-06:00

The meds I've been taking for the flu are making me higher than a kite. Not really, but it is the weirdest I've felt in a while. I've never done drugs, nor do I plan to. I've been told that I "lived a boring life" because I didn't have a rough past or a past party life. I suppose that's one way to look at it. I disagree strongly, however-- and feel sad for people that would say that or think that. I'm glad I'm walking in my identity and know that I DO NOT have a boring life.

Anyhow-- In Korea there is no concern for prevention on a lot of accounts. Any kind of prevention. Laws and protocols are only made once something bad happens. And even then, nothing might be done. Hence, why I am sick right now. There is no preventative measure for keeping sickness out of the school.

This week I had several students go to the nurse, were told that they have a fever, and then were sent back to class. Seriously? I mean, I know they believe in Kimchi being like a god and keeping you healthy...but come now. This is the 21st Century. Let's be real. If you're really sick, you shouldn't be at school or work. So, by Friday, I got sick. I don't get sick very often, but when your students come to school with a fever, it's hard to avoid-- especially when they are four years old and break all kinds of personal boundaries.

At my last school in Korea, there was one classroom that became infested with lice. Yes, that's right-- the creepy bug that lives in your hair and sucks your blood. Ewww. You could see live bugs crawling in the infected child's hair... yet, the school would not send the child home!! Instead, they came to class and guess what-- the entire class, including the teacher, got lice!(and if you haven't seen my video of a Korean mom picking lice out of her daughter's hair on the subway-- you should track it down-- I'm not kidding! it really happened!)

Also, at my last school-- when there was the H1N1 scare, the school shut down for a week (surprisingly!). The foreign staff was asked to be quarantined and stay at home because they "did not eat Kimchi so they could catch H1N1" (even though I ate/eat plenty of Kimchi) while the Korean staff was allowed to leave their home. Now, I'm no doctor, but that doesn't make any sense! Call me rebellious-- I left my house that week.

Or how about at my current school-- this is the first year we've actually had a real fire alarm-- and you know what-- it's all in Korean, even though we are an English speaking school. The first time it went off I thought that we were being invaded by North Korea. It did NOT sound like your typical fire alarm.Of course I thought we were being invaded on other occasions as well, like the time there were loud fireworks going off down the street from me for no certain reason.

When the country does it's routine drills just in case N. Korea invades, our school NEVER participates.

I'm just sayin'...

So, here I am, at home-- taking medication that honestly I have no idea what it is. Five pills in a little bag. It's amazing how much you trust simply because you don't speak the language. I will say, I LOVE the medical care system...it's easy, fast, and cheap! My visit to the doctor cost me about 4,000krw (or $4) and my medicine cost 2,800krw (roughly $2.80). I didn't have an appointment and I didn't have to wait in a long line! It's fantastic, really!

I'm thankful that it's so cheap and all. But I sure wish that I could enjoy my Lunar New Year without the flu.

O Korea... do your teachers a favor and keep your sick kids at home please!

O Wise, Silver Strand

2012-01-22T05:58:00.005-06:00

How is it that different periods in our lives can feel so disjointed, almost as if they were in another life time?

I wonder what it will feel like when I'm old and have grandchildren or great grandchildren... Will I feel as though I have lived many lives or will it all seem as if life had passed me by quickly?

I think about how my grandparents are feeling now, as they are reaching their old age and facing the physical fate of consequence and time , a sad but real and in your face reality that sizes up to life choices-- and aside from choices, age and time are not on our side. Her mind is in tact but her body is slowly decaying.

I suppose that we are all slowly decaying, waiting our eternal fate on the other side of this world. It makes me think of when I am at the beach with my Granny-- she always says,

See the line where the sea touches the sky? That is where we walk over to step into eternity and meet God.

I always liked thinking about this as a child and even as an adult it's a nice image to ponder.

I had my first gray hair this year and it was a mild crisis. Yes, I know beauty if fleeting. But when you're still single and starting to get gray hair it makes you care a little more about just how fleeting that beauty really is! Haha Thankfully I'm one to value inner beauty more. Or so I hope that to be the case.

I was in the bathroom and saw it shimmer-- that silver strand of hard earned wisdom. I held my hair back and ran to my coworkers who were also working late that day. I was a little devastated. I'm not going to lie. I'm only in my twenties. Since when does your body start falling apart in your twenties? Yes, I'm being dramatic... but No one told me I would start getting gray hair and have back problems and struggle to lose weight in my twenties! Ha! I pulled out the gray hair and haven't seen any since (thankfully!).

But, that gray hair really made me begin to think about my life and how I'm living my life, where I'm headed, what I value, what I love, and what I stand for. Why am I in Korea? What am I doing?

You have a few forks in the road in your lifetime and the path you choose makes all the difference, or so one poet once said. And in your twenties, you have a few forks that help choose the path you'll go down in the next couple of decades.

I suppose we can always look back and wonder if we chose the right path. I wonder sometimes how I ended up here in Korea. The token white girl among Asians. In a land where being Asian is preferred. Where Kimchi is like a food god. Where pushing and not holding doors is acceptable. Where tall building overshadow the mountains. Is this what I imagined ten years ago? No way! But, I always look at the fingerprints of God and know that this has been a blessed journey from the Lord, no matter how challenging it has been along the way or may be in the future.

I have dreams. Big dreams. Sometimes I want to turn them in and choose something easier. But really, is there an easier way? Life is just hard sometimes. I guess we all want "easier" sometimes. I mean, it couldn't possibly be that I'm in the thick of grad school while being a working professional in a foreign country. No. That's not stressful at all. Haha

I mean, I wonder if people like MLK or Steve Jobs or Einstein ever considered not pushing forward. I'm not saying that I'll do something as amazing as them. Though, I could, maybe. You never know what lies ahead. God uses the commoner. God chooses the foolish to shame the wise. But, the truth is, we're all human and struggle with the same concerns, feelings, thoughts, and struggles at some point or another. Even Jesus asked his Father if there was any other way, if his cup could be taken from him. When he got the answer, he was faithful to walk out his calling.

Baby steps. I will take baby steps and trust HIM.

I'm not one to give up. In fact, I like the challenge. I like to laugh through the hard times (and cry of course). I know that there is so much to behold. This is not a cry for encouragement or a pity party-- rather a stream of thoughts provoked by one discolored hair. I'm just sayin'-- this one gray strand of hair really made me think. A lot. About life. About my future. About what I value. About my past. About who I'm becoming. About the legacy I'll leave. About the people I love. About my relationships. About the path I'm taking. About the promises I'm holding on to and believing. About the things I'm living for. About my relationship with God.

So the next time you get a gray hair or the first time you get a gray hair, just know that it's one hair closer to the other side of eternity. It's one hair more of wisdom. It's one hair closer to God.

...first world problems

2011-11-25T05:51:00.003-06:00

So my roommate has recently been telling me about the latest tag line that is floating around on facebook and we have started to insert it into our own lives. I can't help but laugh and change my perspective on life when these three words are added to almost any complaint that I have.

I don't want to take out the food trash.... first world problems.

My internet is taking forever... first world problems.

I ate so much. I have a food coma. ....first world problems.

Oh I don't want to turn around to look at your picture. I just got comfortable.... first world problems.

The maid can't come today because she's sick. We need to do the dishes. ...first world problems.

There's not enough room for all my shoes in this closet. ...first world problem.

My nose keeps running. I need nose spray. ...first world problem.

The dvd won't play! My computer is the wrong region. ...first world problems.

All my chocolate is at school, not at home! ...first world problems.

Ugh. My iPhone just died. ...first world problems.

I just missed the subway. I have to wait two minutes for the next one and it's cold. ...first world problems.

Ugh. Facebook changed their format again! ...first world problems.

We just ran out of coffee and I could kill for a fresh cup right now. ...first world problems.

The printer just ran out of paper!!! ...first world problems.

The cafeteria has the same food-- and I just can't handle pasta day because the sauce is too sweet. ...first world problems.

I got a window seat and I really need an aisle seat on the plane. ...first world problems.

Suddenly, my life's problems don't seem so bad...

And so, I am thankful... for oh so much!!!!

Closing the Back Door

2011-11-10T00:59:00.002-06:00

My dreams,
My passions,
Me.
My hopes,
My fears,
My way out.
OUT.
My freedom,
My rebellion,
My uncertainty.
My loneliness.
My backdoor; my escape,
My escape.
My journey,
My vision,
My way.
My lust.
My self-preservation,
My autonomy,
My future.

A battle rages within me.
Burning inside me, a call so strong.

To commit fully, wholly unto HIM.

A part of me must die. Be buried.
Make room for more of HIM; for HIS ways.

Commitment.

Vulnerability to lay it all down. For HIM.

Hesitation.

Called to be a forerunner.
To be set apart.
To be a part of something bigger than me.

The Call presses in deeper, stronger.

"Do not leave prematurely. Even a butterfly has to work his way out of the chrysalis to strengthen his wings so he can fly one day."

"Do not paddle your way out without the winds to carry you."

"Hold on and flourish."

"You're on the 'Freedom Train'."

"He is your compass; keep looking to HIM."

Laying down. Dying,
Only to be brought to a fuller life.
One of glory,
One of greater victory.
Greater hopes,
Greater dreams.

I closed the back door.

Put a ring on it.

Died to myself.

Laid it all down for YOU.

Commitment brings peace.
Freedom,
Joy,
Opportunity.
Order,
Certainty amidst the unknown.
And, more of HIM.

------------------------------------------

I'm sure there will be A LOT more dying to myself... sloughing off the flesh and growing in Christ my entire life...

-------------------------------------------

What has the Lord been asking you to commit to?
Maybe it's time to close the back door and put a ring on it.

Choose Tenderness

2011-11-10T00:59:00.001-06:00

In each season of life we are always learning something. Of all the lessons I can learn in Korea, the one that I am finding I continuously return to is how to choose tenderness.

I was talking with my good friend today (Miss Sarah Brown^^) and, the wise woman that she is, was able to articulate so clearly what I knew I needed to do but could not express in words.

God always puts us in situations that we cannot handle without His grace. I am visiting so many friends with babies and in this season of life, God has given them the grace they need to love and raise their children. I've been living overseas and God has given me the grace and love I need to thrive in a place so different from me.

But in all of it, if we are not careful, we sometimes overlook the grace and put down bitter roots, blaming the Lord for our circumstances. In reality, the Lord loves us too much to let us stay stagnate and stunted. Instead, He allows circumstance to purge, prune, and shape us.

We can either point a finger and grow cold, or we can choose tenderness and draw near. This is not only so with God but also in relationships.(married folk, you know this is true^^)

I was watching the CNN news clips on my iPhone4 today (one of my unashamed addictions) and I came to tears as I watched the legacy of Nick Charles, a legendary sports anchor who recently died from cancer. He left behind his 5 year old daughter and wife as well as a legacy of love and words of wisdom. Days before he passed he was interviewed and said,

"I'm a forward looking person but also a living in the moment kind of person... so I wake up every morning expecting to have a good day.... but life as you get older is about 20% what happens to you and 80% how you react to it."

His words really hit me to the core. I have always thought about these things but the way he worded it made so much sense. He was a man who chose tenderness. He was a man who chose to live life fully each day and to not walk in his circumstances but to walk in joy regardless of what came his way. (Now, I didn't know him personally, but from the interviews with his close friends and family, this is what seems to be true and if he lived by his words, then I can assume this to be true).

I want to be someone who chooses to walk with a heart that is always postured with tenderness. Not weakness (as some might correlate tenderness with). A heart that is strengthened by and filled with the joy and love of the Lord, so that anything that comes my way will not cause roots of bitterness to take root or walls to go up, but rather, my heart would turn toward the Lord (or whoever) with tenderness, ready to forgive, be forgiven-- ready to love and receive love.

So-- in all circumstances-- choose tenderness.

"Put the Bait Bucket Down"

2011-06-20T17:48:00.000-05:00

So, I was talking to my Granny, as it goes-- gosh I love talking to her. She is a born story teller with true wit and she just has this capacity to say what is on her mind and step out when no one else will. Maybe some people call her controlling or overbearing at times, but to me, she's just Granny. She's a woman who makes things happen. She has a mind of her own. Creativity is always at her finger tips and a love for life always fills the room when she is there. She's the woman who taught me about being outside and getting dirty. She taught me the important things in life, like peeing in the ocean, how to laugh at myself, how to wash up in the front yard (shampoo and all), to throw back the hermit crabs so they can be free, how to enjoy a sunrise with coffee and good company.

And she taught me how to "put the bait bucket down."

She's a counselor, you know. Naturally, she is good at asking questions, listening. She is a coach, so she always encourages you and challenges you. She is a teacher, so she loves to teach you even if she is "BSing it all." She is my Granny, so I am hers and the ocean is ours.

Today I called her and we chatted about life. As usual. She laughed because we were in the same time zone which meant one of us was not waking up to talk. She told me that I could borrow her car for a bit, "but don't be surprised if it drives you to the Coast because that's the only place it knows to go. It's not quite Ol' Blue (the tackle box on wheels), but she'll do." Smiling through her teeth she told me I could even make a sand castle in the front seat because there is so much sand!

This summer I am straddling family and friend time with grad school. I told her that I will be laying aside all obligations and responsibilities to take a week trip to Yellowstone National Park with some friends. Granny agreed, "Oh how wonderful! You're putting the bait bucket down. My ol' philosophy... you've been fishing too long carrying that bait bucket and your fingers are frozen and curled up. It's time to put that bait bucket down for a while. Then you'll fill 'er back up and start fresh, ready to fish again."

I never would have come up with that analogy on my own, but you know, it makes a lot of sense, at least to a fisherman. Being the granddaughter of a fisherwoman, I can say that I understand. And really, she has been teaching me this my whole life. There is a time and place for work and there is a time and place for play. I suppose we can't have one without the other.

So, this summer I'll be carrying that bait bucket, treading through grad work, but you can guarantee that I'll be putting that bucket down every now and then~ and most certainly when I find myself surrounded by the rugged mountains of Yellowstone.

Don't forget to put your bait bucket down, lest your hands cramp and your soul grow weary. Stop and rest a little while, have some fun and play! Or at least, that's what my Granny always says.

Process

2011-06-20T17:44:00.002-05:00

Process. I love process. Maybe that’s why I am a preschool teacher.

Goals are wonderful. I'm quite goal oriented myself, but the process-- I've come to realize that if I only care about the goal then I would never understand the hard work put into a painting done by an uncoordinated four year old.

Without recognizing or enjoying the process, I might miss out on the beauty of waiting, trial and error, and having growing pains in life.

In preschool we love to paint. One of my favorite pieces this year is a blue blob with a brown spot.

He started with several brown, squarish blobs on the paper. After mastering his “buildings” he changed paint brushes and started drenching his canvas in blue.

Thick blue paint ran down the page, leaving a mess of streaks. Dark blue swirled around the canvas until his brown buildings were no longer in sight, save one.

I continued to watch as he put his final master touches to the painting. Twenty minutes passed in total.

“I’m done.”

“Oh yah, what is it?”

“Japan had horrible damage.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m glad that our Father sees the whole process. Otherwise, we might all just look like a blue blob of running paint. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I, too, am in process and it's all going to be okay.

Koh Samet

2011-06-20T17:41:00.000-05:00

Here is something that I had to write for a faculty meeting (yes, a faculty meeting... we were practicing the writer's workshop from the position of a child)

==================================

The sun rays bounced off the water, creating beautiful ripples of shimmering glitter. Semy and I had come all the way to Thailand to relax over our New year's holiday. The warmth of the day had eased us into a state of relaxation and a mild sleepy coma. We waded in the calm ocean water—so clear I could count my toes.

As we floated in the water we could hear a jet ski off in the distance, skipping the waves at a rapid pace. It created a soothing, rhythmic sound interspersed with the crashing waves. The jet ski was driven by a man with dark, tan skin and with long dark hair. The image has been ingrained in my mind.

We conversed about nothing, completely enamored by the gorgeous landscape around us. We could feel its warmth to our core, as if the beauty itself was seeping into our bones. Our senses were overloaded: the people, the heat of the sun, the smell of sea water, the sand gritted between our toes, the sky so full and blue. My thoughts wandered about, mingled with idle questions like, "What's your favorite holiday?"

"Oh, I don't know. Probably Christmas," Semy mustered up. Our conversations usually remained simple when we were enjoying the waves. We floated in the water for hours, peaceful and content.

In the distance I began to see a jet ski—the same one I had spotted earlier. Only now it was coming toward me and this man was not slowing down. He came ten feet to the left of me so I was not that concerned, just perplexed at why he was entering the swimming area so quickly.

Before I had time to think, the man immediately turned hard in order to stop before making the shoreline. Terribly miscalculated, he turned right into me.

Semy saw me from a distance and winced as she thought I was going to have my head severed.

I did not have time to think—I believe it must have been an angel that pulled me under the water just in time—only to miss the jet ski fly right over me full speed.

I felt the water push down on me and then bubbles seeping up through the water, between my body parts. My heart felt as though it had leapt up into my throat and the pounding began only after I came up and gasped for air.

By the time I came to the surface, the man on the jet ski was gone. I saw his hair waving in the wind. He turned once to look behind him, but never thought twice about coming back to see if I was alive. He kept bouncing dangerously full speed on the waves.

A man in a Speedo who was relaxing on the beach stormed out to the water and shook a fist at the mysterious man. "Are you okay," he asked. I nodded, but remained speechless. A few locals on a boat nearby yelled something in Thai to the man. I imagine it was not a friendly word.

Semy and I were so thankful to both be alive and well. That frightful moment almost cost me my life! Soon, things returned to normal and the splendor of Thailand once again swept us away like the tide going out to sea.

2011-06-20T17:39:00.001-05:00

This is from Melody's blog, but it's my story. Why rewrite something well told?

====================================================

“ANIYO!!!”

Posted on April 26, 2011 by melody

... But before that happened we had to celebrate Easter at school right? Thursday afternoon rolls around, and after I take my students to a nearby playground to gather cherry blossoms I can see the kindergarten and first graders out in the field finding eggs they decorated for an Easter egg hunt. Little did I know… (the tale as I interpreted it* from Ms. Wheat, friend and k4 teacher at my school):

Ms. N (a kindergarten assistant teacher) rushes up to Ms. Wheat right before they are supposed to head to the field. Ms. Wheat had just finished informing her four-year-olds that while they were in P.E. the Easter Bunny came and took their eggs (“Why would he do that?!” little shouts proclaim) and all he left behind was this giant carrot, which she produced from behind her back, for their class pet Ashes (a guinea pig). She then explained that he left them, “out there!” and dramatically pointed to the field, “So we have to go find them!”

“I don’t know what happened in the ten minutes that we placed all the eggs on the field and then came back inside,” Ms. N begins to explain to Ms. Wheat. “But an old ajhussi started picking up all the eggs, taking the youngest kids eggs out of their plastic bags (they had two eggs they painted in a bag to make it easier for them to find) and smashing them. When I got out there he had about 15 eggs in his arms and he wouldn’t give them back to me! I had to get a translator to come outside and make him give them up. So… some of your kids eggs got smashed…”

A slightly disheartened Ms. Wheat took her students out onto our private soccer field to find the eggs, smashed and unsmashed alike. When they got out there she saw two adjumas come onto our field, look down, and see some of the colorful decorated eggs. They looked delighted and started to PICK THEM UP.

“ANIYO!” Ms. Wheat yells NO in Korean and begins to wave her arms at them. They think she means for them to get off the school’s field so they begin to walk away, eggs still in their hands. Exasperated, Ms. Wheat has her teacher assistant (who thankfully, is Korean) run after them and explain that “No, they cannot take obviously decorated eggs just because they are Korean in Korea and everyone is one big family.” Well… she might not have said those exact words to the two ladies, but she did get the eggs back.

*I made up the dialogue from what I heard from Ms. Wheat

Conversations in K4

2011-06-20T17:38:00.002-05:00

Here are some cute comments from my students...I think I'll add to this now and then..

=============================

"Miss Wheat, I don't like Balentine's Day."

Really, why not?

"Because I don't like ballet." [note: one of my students was wearing a pink tutu that day]

=============================

"Miss Wheat I want to marry Mrs. Yu."[he mentioned this several times]

[later that day] You know that Mrs. Yu is married, right? So I'm sad to tell you that you cannot marry her.

[a few hours later] "Miss Wheat, did you know that Mrs. Yu is married?"

Yes...

"Oh. Well, I was going to marry her because I didn't know she was already married." [looking down at the ground with big sad eyes]

=============================

"Miss Wheat, she hit me!"

"I'm not a she! I'm he."

=============================

"Miss Wheat, he won't play with me anymore."

Well, did you hit him?

"Yes."

....well....

=============================

The first time that I set up a handwriting center at center time:

I made sure to state, "No drawing pictures at the handwriting center..."

Minutes later I saw that some kids were drawing on the whiteboards and papers..."I said no drawing at the handwriting center..."

My kids gave me with a puzzled look...

I walked over to the center and they were tracing their hands..."but you said handwriting..."

I didn't realize I had never used that term before~

==============================

not in class-- but one of my students:

retold by melody: One of my co-workers shared a most delightful story. His son had taken his shoes off in the car during a recent trip to the grocery store. “You have to put your shoes back on! You can’t go in the store with bare feet.” His mom told him. “But mom! I have kid-feet!” The boy replied.

================================

...more to come...

if only I could remember all their funny comments from the whole year...

Wildflower

2011-02-10T03:28:00.005-06:00

She held the phone up to my ear and the sound of Texas began to play. No one more country than Dolly. She sang to me as if it were a spring day in the wildflowers of Texas.

Pinky's mom sat there so content, humming to the song. We had not spoken much since we had arrived in Manipur. Her spirit was heavy with grief, but when she sung there was a lightness about her. She coached Erin Unni on the sewing machine while she held the phone to my ear.

Being from Texas, I should have recognized this song, but it was playing in my ears for the first time. Listening to the words, I felt as though the Lord was giving me a glimpse of myself and how He made me. I felt nostalgic for home and yet, I was so happy to be living overseas and traveling in India.

The breeze blew gently and the sun-rays streamed onto the porch. I could not have been happier.

There was something special about that moment-- that moment when I felt this woman's grief and she felt my nostalgia. The Lord comforted us both.

The Lord showed me that day-- while on a porch in Manipur with a woman I hardly knew-- that truly, I am a wildflower.

========================

"Wildflowers" by: Dolly Parton

The hills were alive with wildflowers

And I was as wild, even wilder than they

For at least I could run, they just died in the sun

And I refused to just wither in place

Just a wild mountain rose, needing freedom to grow

So I ran fearing not where I'd go

When a flower grows wild, it can always survive

Wildflowers don't care where they grow

And the flowers I knew in the fields where I grew

Were content to be lost in the crowd

They were common and close, I had no room for growth

I wanted so much to branch out

I uprooted myself from home ground and left

Took my dreams and I took to the road

When a flower grows wild, it can always survive

Wildflowers don't care where they grow

I grew up fast and wild and I never felt right

In a garden so different from me

I just never belonged, I just longed to be gone

So the garden, one day, set me free

Hitched a ride with the wind and since he was my friend

I just let him decide where we'd go

When a flower grows wild, it can always survive

Wildflowers don't care where they grow

Stand UP

2010-09-06T07:21:00.003-05:00

Suddenly a pungent odor entered the subway car, hitting my nose with alarm. No longer engulfed in the book I was reading, but interrupted by this smell of days old fish, I looked up to see the source of this putrid smell.

He walked in, filthy and undignified. He had to be-- it's how he survived. Walking from passenger to passenger, he held out a cup for donations and money, mumbling something in Korean, repeatedly.

They shifted in their seats, turned their gaze away-- as if their shame was better to wear than pity. For a moment I was glad he could not see. Though, the coldness in the air was thick. Some couples began to whisper and chuckle. Others held their noses. I have to admit, I nearly covered my nose.

I saw a lady digging in her purse, pulling out her wallet. She pulled out some money. The man had passed by already, so she tried to reach out to him. She hovered over her seat with her legs still bent, arm exteded. The overly sized purse resting on her lap and a bag between her feet kept her imobile. She thought for a moment to get up and hand the money to him, but perhaps as she looked around the people standing in front of her ready to lunge and take her seat kept her from following through. Instead she lowered her stance and sat fully on the subway seat once again, money in hand. The man passed into the next car.

Conversation started again and their eyes were no longer shifting. The smell slowly faded, though it lingered-- as if to remind us all of an opportunity to help a soul.

As I watched all of this my heart sank for that man. All at the same time I felt judgement rising in my heart. I knew that I had no room to judge, for I had been just as complacent as the others. Perhaps I said some prayers. Perhaps I intended good-- even had compassion. Yet, I too, remained seated.

I realize that it is impossible to give money to everyone. There are times that the Lord prompts us to do something. I cannot put such a burden on myself as to give money to every single person in need that I come across.

Though, I did learn a lesson that day. As I watched the lady who began to give the man some money, I saw her heart. I saw that she did indeed want to extend compassion. She wanted to help. In the end, it proved too inconvenient. She might have lost her subway seat. She couldn't reach. She couldn't even speak up to call his attention. Her bags were too big. Her seat was too comfortable to lose.

Isn't this how it is for so many of us. We want to help. We want to reach out. Our heart is there but then something prevents us. Whether it be our own selfishness, our own needs, time, resources, etc... we find ourselves only standing halfway, more ready to sit back down before fully standing and diving into another's need.

I also thought about what compelled that lady to stand... but didn't compel her enough to go all the way... When we reach out in our own capacity, it doesn't follow-through. We end up landing upon our own needs and wants.

In contrast, Christ's love is enough to compel us to reach out all the way. It's HIS love that is extended when we reach out. We become HIS hands and HIS feet. What causes us to have compassion and lend a hand, some money, a prayer... it must be Christ's love in us. On our own, we will only have enough in us to stand halfway and then sit back down. Christ's love never fails. It endures. It is faithful to the end.

I was very convicted that day as I watched. We need to be a people who are willing to go all the way. If our hearts are there but we only stand halfway, what good have we done? What good did that lady do?

Whatever it is that you have a heart to do-- have the courage, the stamina, the perseverance, the faithfulness, the selflessness-- and above all -- have Christ's love which enables you to stand all the way and complete the call.

Even if you lose your seat, so to speak, stand all the way.

---------

Hebrews 10:36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Acts 20:24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

2 Corinthians 5:14-15 For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

--------------

Take note: The picture above is not the actual lady, but it was a picture I had that closely resembled the scene.

Africa in Pictures & Song

2010-08-04T13:08:00.001-05:00

I put together a power point of my trip to Africa...

Unfortunately the music did not sync well with the slides once it was uploaded to the web... I hope you enjoy it anyway!

Here is a link:

http://www.authorstream.com/Presentation/dewheat-459300-nigeria-summer-2010/

Unrevised. Unfinished : Africa

2010-08-02T19:27:00.007-05:00

I've never been more sure about something than this... "I MUST GO." Everything in me cries out to go. Since I was 11 years old I have cried out to go. I have now tasted and seen... I must go. I must some how find my way back to the unadulterated soil of Africa. My heart is bursting with a sense of longing as I've parted ways. Bitter tears surface as the long awaited journey to Africa has come and now gone.

It is not romanticized any longer. It is real. Hard. Sweat. Toil. Tears. Hardship. My heart cries out to the one in poverty... the downcast... the unreached people... the uneducated... the war-torn...

Here I am in the countryside of Texas, back from the wilderness of Africa and in less than a week I'll be drowning in the roar of the city life in Seoul, Korea. How is that possible? The transition will be quite abrasive.

Their smiles and innocent faces are marked on my heart forever. As if a gift, they have offered me a long awaited answer to this deep cry emerging from my soul. No words were needed to answer-- solely their presence-- digging up the bones of desire...

Colorful fabric and adorned jewelry, barefoot and carrying a load atop their heads, these women bore the markings and elegance of hard work and suffering.

They stroked their hands across my pale, soft skin with curious looks, wondering how I was not so dark and where were my callouses. One group of women even thought that all white people lived under the water. The innocent thoughts and conclusions they have peak a curiosity in me-- to know more about these simple, nomadic people we call the Fulani.

I, too, wanted to stroke their beautiful, dark skin, curious of how God has made such lovely people. I couldn't help but wonder what it must be like to grow up in a tribal setting such as this.

Our way of life must be so unimaginable to them. How can I ever begin to explain how we live. Many of these camps have to walk miles just to fetch a bucket of water. I walk 30 seconds and have a hot shower.

The children. O, the children. So gorgeous. I remember the first time they saw ice. All were amazed and a little skeptical at first. Everyone's hands reached for the ice in a need to witness it first hand. Upon touching the ice, their faces winced and they jerked their hands away in shock and disbelief-- only to reach out and touch it again. Chuckles rippled through the groups of kids and we all enjoyed their simple pleasure.

The roads are eroded to the point that 25 miles of driving takes 1-1.5 hours. We take for granted our paved roads. But, I have to admit, there's something enjoyable about the imperfections. Seeing the rustic buildings and landscapes, I cannot help but see beauty and a depth of life the West does not experience in its strife for perfection. The weathering seems to carry a wisdom and well of untapped richness.

Perhaps it has something to do with my realization that the imperfections did not make me love them less. In fact, my capacity to love seemed even greater. In my own attempts to gain worth and value, perfectionism has often been to my demise. This, I suppose, shed light on my own perfectionism in a new way... my value stands alone-- without regard to perfection.

The authenticity of the people can be seen in the peeling and faded paint on the houses, in the dirt roads, muddied water, and dusty floors. Crusty snot on kids noses, bare-feet, and weathered skin-- something in all humility echoes from their presence. The worn down, the cracked walls, the idiosyncrasies of poverty-- they all display a richness of life, a wealth of wisdom, a depth of beauty, and a simplicity that beckons humanity in its purest form.

My indulgences in life cannot begin to ponder the wealth I have acquired from a glance into the life in Nigeria. The two are so vastly different and cannot begin to understand each other. Some how, that third cookie just doesn't taste the same anymore because of what it signifies. The excess in which I live almost repulses me. I have been among people who have never seen an oven much less know what a homemade cookie tastes like. And yet, I must not forsake or rather be embittered toward a materially blessed lifestyle. The two lives cannot rival one another because they exist on entirely separate plains. It's a matter of finding a balance. Enjoying and appreciating the excess for what it is while not living beyond your means or scorning it. Enjoying and appreciating the simple, impoverished lifestyle while not pitying or crying over it. Both are in existence. Both carry joy and life. Finding the joy in both may look different but the rewards of knowing the two and finding peace in the differences is something of a beautiful sort.

Community takes on a whole new meaning in a culture such as this. Everyone shares the duty of raising the children. Everyone takes on each others' burdens. People are always around-- not just around, but available for talking to and laughing with. Neighbors know each other. It's an intimacy and form of community that the West has all but lost.

...

so many thoughts yet to be articulated...

black money in the water

2010-06-17T02:49:00.008-05:00

a black gusher
oozing out, turning her waters to blood
in the name of greed-- wait no, of course not greed.
her life being suffocated, destroyed
her beaches
her shores
her tides and waves
infiltrated with black money
-- now debt
i wanted to cry
i did
my Granny wanted to cuss
she did:
"ocean appropriate language. damn, damn, damn."
what would her waters say?
her fish
her sea life
the two don't mix
the two don't dance
the two poison each other
or perhaps we poison the two-- our crime in mixing them
she cries as the fish float ashore
birds no longer fly
the colors turn
thick, dark coats
layers and layers
trails of invasion
marshes corrupted with substance not quite mud
grass wearing dark trousers
the waters stand, defenseless
her animals, helpless
and our hands, washed clean of the blood
though tainted with black
perhaps this is her cry
that gusher, shouting
her chance to speak
will someone listen this time?

Jacket Holder

2010-06-17T00:58:00.003-05:00

Not realizing what I was doing, I complied and took hold of her little jacket. Before I knew it, I was holding several of "her jackets" and some of "his jackets."

Beads of sweat had formed on their little foreheads. Running up to me they handed me jacket upon jacket. Soon enough I had two arms full of jackets. I was the check point. The base. The jacket holder.

The thought didn't enter my mind until I, too, wanted to strip my jacket off and find someone to hold it while I had fun in Korea's [much too short but] beautiful spring weather.

Suddenly I stood there stunned. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It's official. I am not the kid. I am the adult. I've hit the point of no return. There, with my feet planted, the wind blowing my hair, and arms full of light winter coats I began to realize the reality of where I was on this time-line of life.

It brought me joy-- to see them running around, playing with free spirits. I couldn't help but think of my freedom as a child.

Everything in me wanted to set the jackets down and play, too. Perhaps I should have. But who would hold my jacket? Why did I have to be an adult?

I saw my mother. My dad. My Granny. My grandma. Old teachers. Even the big oak tree with long, sinking branches. Seeping into my soul, a feeling of honor settled over me. I now had the privilege of being the jacket holder.

Jacket Holder. Oh the weight of such a job. Who else could be trusted with her little jacket. Surely not a stranger. Surely not the dirty ground. Not even a fellow friend who too would be running around. And no big oak trees around.

With a smile, I took that role.

Spring air has come and given us freedom to have bare feet and run without the weight of winter coats. And with that, there must be a trusted Jacket Holder.

Though, I most certainly intend to find an oak with long, sinking branches suited for securing my jacket-- along with those little ones whom will be with me... giving us the freedom to play.

"The nations will be your oyster."

2010-06-16T23:30:00.002-05:00

She reached into the cabinet.

"Here," she directed. "These are for you. I want you to have them." Her delicate, Korean hands lifted up, presenting a string of pearls dangling and interwoven between her fingers.

Taking off the price tag before I could see, she affirmed me through a smile, "Oh dear, I know that your prayers are more powerful than money. And don't worry. Not expensive but good pearls."

She pointed for me to lower my head as to allow her to lock the pearls around my neck. I tried to turn down the offer but she had already made up her mind and defying that would only offend her.

I lowered into a bow and she gently draped the pearls around my neck, locking them, doting, "They look beautiful on you."

A loss of romance, my relationship with HIM had become tiresome. I missed being wooed and rather in this city always being busy. In her hands were HIS. In her words were HIS. He whispered, "My beloved. My pearl of great price."

And to think I had gone out in hopes to bless others and pray for people on the streets of Itaewon. Somehow I found myself among another woman who knew HIS love and she kindly shared it with me.

She thanked me and I thanked her. He knew I would never have bought myself a string of pearls. He gave them to me. What a lover.

It was only later that the Lord reminded me of a word He gave me a few years ago before coming to Korea: "The nations will be your oyster, making you into a pearl."

Lord, You know me. You pursue me. You woo and romance me. Even in the busyness. You draw me into your embrace.

Penmanship

2010-04-20T02:43:00.003-05:00

I remembered her asking me. She gently rubbed her little finger across the calloused bump protruding from my middle finger. The one on my writing hand. Admiring the deformity on my finger, her big eyes looked up and met mine.

She was a beauty. One I admired. Her simplicity and good spirits. I often wondered how the soul of a child maneuvered through this world with such ease and joy, as if ice-skating, gliding across a frozen tundra-- some how skimming over the all-too dark and murky water.

"Tell me a story, will you? Write it down, so I'll have it forever."

Her words wrote love on my heart.

Looking down at my finger now, the sign of a writing hand has long disappeared. I suppose it to be possible for callouses to form on the tips of your fingers from typing; however, mine have not. More likely, I suppose that over time, my penmanship has slowly faded into months of busyness. Should I suppose that callouses form over a writing heart? Nay.

Today, a little girl interlocked her fingers with mine. She did not find the same curious bump. Yet, she looked up at me with those big eyes requesting, "Miss Wheat, tell me a story."

It's something from within. She did not need outward evidence... only a hunger. Hunger for creativity. Hunger for someone's heart. Hunger for a story.

Even if, but for a moment, my hand must begin writing again. Sitting stagnate, this muscle must be awakened... must be exercised...

If not for me, I must write for that little girl who believed in me.

Breaking Down

2010-03-06T09:32:00.003-06:00

It's been a love-hate relationship. To be honest, Korea has been a hard place for me to live-- all the while a place of deep waters and revelation. A land of testing and growth. A land that presses me and either hardens me or breaks me to the core so that God can rebuild me with a strength of a lion but the gentleness of a lamb. A land of extremes. A land that God has used in specific ways to form me.

Recently, I've had to face the things that have hurt me and attacked my identity while living here. I'm beginning to work through them with forgiveness and brokenness as I let go of any bitterness, taking on a banner of love and a new lens to see this country through. A new lens to see how God is moving in my life while I'm living in a culture so foreign to my own. A new lens to see myself in...as God is shaving down my hard edges and forming me into something He's always seen me as. A new lens to see that I have actually loved my life here.

The biggest struggle for me in this season and place is to find extended time to rest, process, and be in HIS presence. These things are so crucial to my health-- physical, emotional, and spiritual. There has been a tremendous grace over me during this season. A grace that I cannot understand. A grace that has sustained me while I've had to work against my natural tendencies, allowing me to be sharpened in areas of my life that are not generally near the surface of my strengths. Going against the grain of my natural flow has been wearing and trying in so many ways, but it has been a training ground, making me more whole and like Jesus. In the end, I am thankful.

After a year and a half of living in the go, go, go of Korea, I finally reached my limit and found myself breaking down-- just as the song says. Not caring if anyone was around. The first time I heard the song I didn't really listen to the lyrics, but my spirit was so moved.

I began to meditate on the lyrics and found that I could relate to the song so well. I long to be Mary Magdalene, at the feet of Jesus, pouring out perfume. I long to be in His presence. John Mark McMillan is so raw. So real. Just how I have been feeling. I'm breaking down and I don't care who is around. I'm Mary Magdalene and tonight is a bottle of perfume. ...So meet me here where we shine like gold!

I realize that I can always be aware of HIS presence at any moment, but there is something so rich about being alone with God-- not on a subway or in the midst of a crowd. These are the times I have been longing for. Not when I'm on the brink of exhaustion... but times when I have the day for HIM. Time to let revelation sink into my spirit. The times when I am consumed by the richness of God in His glorious presence-- when I can lay out on my floor and weep or pray and contend-- those times when I can go out to the mountains and cry out his holy name. These are the times that I long for.

I will fight harder for these times. I will rearrange. I will do whatever it takes. But my life cannot continue in this pace without the deep, quiet times of rest before my King.

After reaching this point of exhaustion, I was graced with a day off from work as well as a real Sabbath this Saturday. It was the first in months. Truly, I have been refreshed.

I have learned to relate to God in new ways and sustain His presence even in the busyness of life... but I must and shall fight for my time with HIM. Heidi gives every morning to the Lord-- be it a bike ride or scuba diving-- she spends time with HIM. Finding time like that is hard here. But I must.

O LOVER take me away! Take me to the wilderness! Refresh me! Let me drink deep of your love. Let me find refuge under the shade of your wings. Hold me tight. Keep me close. Speak tenderly to me. Cover me with your grace. Cover me with your love.

It's out of the overflow that we pour out. It's from a place of rest that we let the Father fight out battles. It's from a place of favor and victory that we must live. It's from His heartbeat that our heart beats. It's from His love that we may love. It's from His word that we must eat. It's from His presence that we must walk. It's in HIM where we must abide. I am a branch and He is the vine... May I always abide in HIM. ALWAYS. Even in the busyness. In him I can walk peacefully, even when the rest of the world is frantic and running. In HIM I find life. In Him I can be a life-giver.

You are mine and I am Yours!

--------------------------
Explanation for the pictures:

Someone had a vision of me that I was like a flower grown out of concrete-- that beauty came out of the most unlikely circumstances...

Another person said that the roots of flowers in concrete are eventually strong enough to break through the concrete.

Someone else gave me a word that they saw a vision of me as a tree. The roots were stopped by a rock, but then they broke through the rock and went down deep.

Even if... God is enough!

My roots will go deep, breaking through the rock of busyness and I will drink from living waters! I will not wither. I will be an oak of righteousness planted by living waters! Selah!

---------------------------------------------------

This song has been blessing me a lot lately:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQI4PbKM9kE

"Breaking Down" John Mark McMillan

I'm making plans to waist my life on you
I'm making plans to waist my life on you
Cause New York City and Hollywood combined
They ain't got enough lights
To make me want change my mind about you

Cause I'm breaking down
I don't even care if there's anyone else around
Cause I'm breaking down
I always fall to pieces whenever you're around

I'm Mary Magdalene and tonight is a bottle of perfume
I'm Mary Magdalene and tonight is a bottle of perfume
There's not enough dignity to hold me now
When I know your going to meet me here
There's not enough gravity
To keep me away from you

Cause I'm breaking down
I don't even care if there's anyone else around
Cause I'm breaking down
I always fall to pieces whenever your around

So meet me here
Where we shine like gold
Like the light beneath the embers
Of the burning coals
And I will spill my bottle
Like in days of old
On the song that bleeds from the breaking down

India, where God used even me.

2010-02-22T06:36:00.002-06:00

My Testimony

Inida 2010

Nothing I can write will encompass the entirety of our trip to India, for there are too many angles, experiences and perspectives to cover, though one theme entangled and wove its way through the entire team and mission trip: the Father’s heart.

---------------------------------------------------

“He is jealous for me; He loves like a hurricane; I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy…”

These lyrics filled the air numerous times, both in serous and light-hearted settings. We left for India wearing the Father’s love on our shirts and on our hearts. We had great expectations and HIS love proved even greater.

Leading up to India I found myself asking God how He would use me and what He had in store for me on this trip. I had been struggling with confidence in a way that I had not struggled with in a long time and a great doubt came over me that God would use everyone but me. Some people encouraged me that I would be used in a mighty way and this was an attack on my identity. I agreed and went forward, covered in prayer, asking God to help me walk in faith rather than fear. God is so faithful to answer prayers.

Before entering Delhi, God started to raise up boldness in me as well as others on our team. During our flight God’s grace poured out as He empowered us to reach out to several of the flight attendants. One of the most powerful moments on the entire trip was when I walked out of the airplane bathroom to find Mina speaking to one of the flight attendants. Suddenly I was invited into a portal of glory as we prayed for this woman’s neck and back pain. God came down and met her need! Her neck and back pain were gone! After discovering that she had one leg shorter than the other, we asked the Lord to touch her and sure enough, her leg grew out! I could hardly believe my eyes and needed her to verify that indeed, she felt a stretching sensation in her leg!

This was the first time for me, personally, to lay hands and see physical healing other than a headache going away. I was so humbled and honored that God would use even me, one who had doubt that He would heal others through me.

God’s love for the people on the flight began to explode as her testimony went out like a sweet fragrance. By now several of the flight attendants expressed a need for prayer and healing. Two other men received prayer and felt the fire of God in their necks and shoulders; one man claimed he was a Buddhist but he wanted the same love of God that healed his back to come into his heart. After praying he began to bubble up with joy and laughter as he felt a burden lifted off of him. I could not contain my own smiles as I, too, felt God’s deep affections for me. How could he entrust me to minister in such a way that would radically touch someone to the core of his being? It was beautiful to see the Holy Spirit at work so effortlessly.

There was so much faith on the plane that several of the flight attendants asked us to stay back after the flight landed so that we could pray for them as well. Our flight set the precedent for the entire trip. We would recklessly pursue healing for others and know that God’s love was thick enough to come down and touch someone here on earth. My personal faith grew to a new level—especially the belief that God would use even me.

Our team held two revival services the first day—one at Last Resort Church and one at the Kuki Church Service. Both of these revival services had a different flavor and our sensitivity needed to be heightened, so we entered into the sanctuaries ready to roll with the punches.

Our team had really congealed over the course of our training and we had only grown closer since the healing outbreak on the plane. We were ready to roll! Some of the ministry was tough, but the team pushed through, worshiping in a way that would shift the atmosphere. We were to be the thermostat, not the thermometer. During these services we witnessed God break out and touch some people deeply. The floor was opened up for sharing words of knowledge and then we were released to pray. On the outside it seemed quite discouraging, but as we pressed in, we began to see God touching individuals. In the end, we saw about fourteen physical healings including stomach and head pain disappear, arm, shoulder and neck pain go, as well as inner healing take place. We were amazed!

After the revival services we headed for the orphanages. The atmosphere of the two children’s homes is very different. Mary Clare’s is much smaller and tight knit with about 20-something children, mostly from Manipur and Myanmar. Grace home is across the city and has a larger number of children, about 105. The culture there is more of a typical Indian culture.

For me, the most beautiful part of the trip was ministering to the children—or should I say the children ministering to me? Upon arriving at Mary Clare’s Home, I was absolutely in awe by the level of faith and depth of relationship that these children had with the Father. We spent time with the kids, hanging out as well as sharing VBS songs and skits. I even had the chance to slip over to the slums with Danny and befriend some of the children living among the trash. This, in itself, touched me deeply. It seared my heart with a compassion so deep I knew that I would one day return to a place like this.

A Most powerful moment came, when on the roof in the middle of the slums, we all began to sing, “Victory” and shouted this prophetic declaration over all of India: “There’s gonna be revival in this land!…” Everything inside of me believed it! There was such an excitement among the adults and the children began to raise their voices as well, sending out these declarations. It was so moving. I could feel the Father’s heart bleeding with excitement and love!

At Mary Clare’s Home we broke up into smaller groups to pray and coincidentally we witnessed one of the children’s legs grow out as another child commanded the shorter leg to grow! Many of the children knew they were sons of the most High, so they prayed with greater authority. The message shared was on empowerment and how God can use children to do mighty things for the Kingdom; this really raised the level of praise in the house—to a level that brought tears to my eyes. I personally prayed with little Rosie and a few other small ones. Their sincere prayers melted my heart. At one point I had to step back and watch as the children zealously prayed for one another. Who was doing the real ministry here?

After being in a small children’s home we left for Grace Home, ready to pour out more love. By now, I was in love with our team and the way God had woven us together. We truly had become one body and every single person had great importance and significance on the team. The thought of going home and not being around each one of these people was a little disheartening, but I knew that living in this kind of love was a taste of heaven.

Our last revival service at Grace Home manifested a great outpouring of healing and love. The praise and the message raised up the level of faith to a place that rendered the heavens to come down. The primise of the message centered around Jesus’ words, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14). Our team shared words of knowledge and then we individually took two children each to go and lay hands on the sick. We all went into the crowd where some people had come 50km or more just to receive a touch from God. And o, how He showed up. The glory was thick in the house. I was once again so excited when the lady we prayed for confirmed that her leg pain was completely gone after years and years of pain. I was so proud of the children and I was so grateful that God would use, even me. That night we saw about ten physical healings as well as some inner healing. It was a testament of the Father’s love sweeping across His children.

Our trip to India was one of love and empowerment. For me, I realized that God will use a broken vessel, such as myself, to meet the needs of others. The anointing is not for me, but rather to give away and touch others with HIS love. I do not have to perform. I only need to love. God will do the rest, for the same spirit that raised Jesus Christ from the dead is living inside of me! It’s all HIS grace. It’s all HIS love.

An Old Love Letter

2009-09-26T05:07:00.004-05:00

My heart beat faster as I began to reach for her. There she sat on my shelf, untouched for some time. Within her binding she held on to a sweet recollection of time-- a time when my heart had first found love, a love so deep and pure.

The tattered pages, the smell of a worn and used vessel, the markings of years past... she seemed to beat in sync with my heart. The Words that had spoken deeply to me are the same words that have spoken for thousands of years; the ancient cry she holds continues to beckon broken vessels such as myself.

After a chapter in my life drew to an end, she had become too frayed to be rebound. All her wisdom began to tatter and fall out, followed by a Prophet. These lovelies hang out beyond her borders and hold on with a temporary adhesive. I shelved her with sorrow and pardoned her as I received a new, crisp binding of papers with her same proclamations of love.

I looked at her and my heart felt as though I had escaped back into those first years with my Lover. He had taken me down ancient paths of suffering, jealous pursuit and redemption. His love letter to me quickened my heart. Oh how He had breathed life into me. So personal, my love letter has become-- a living Word that draws me into His heart. I must eat and drink from His Words.

I looked at my new love letter. She, too, is becoming a memory and providing deeper revelation of His great love. But those first feelings of deep adoration-- and oh how I was faint with love-- how they surface when I hold her in my hands and He reminds me of those first years.

Milk and honey from my Lover. Whispers and etchings of His love. Our love grows deeper still. Those first years were only the beginning of a lifelong love that sends its roots deeper and deeper beyond measure.

A new chapter, He writes, with more love letters; He holds my hand and we continue in this adventure-- together. Inseparable.

Big Enough to Hold Me

2009-09-17T09:55:00.001-05:00

//Waterdeep : "Big Enough to Hold Me"//

the space in my mind is too small for You
the space in my heart is too small for You too
and all of things of the earth that i know
are too small for all of the greatness You've shown
but in all of this i'm still facing my needs
and i'm scared of how big they feel to me

i know You, You, You are big enough to hold me
i know You, You, You are big enough to hold me
i know You Lord, yeah You
will carry me through

the space between stars is billions of miles
the space for the famous and millions of eyes
but not all of the stars in the heavens and earth
none can compare to Your infinite worth
and i still get lonely and wonder outloud
if anyone notices me in a crowd

i know You, You, You are big enough to hold me
i know You, You, You are big enough to hold me
i know You Lord, yeah You
will carry me through

i know You, You, You are big enough to hold me
i know You, You, You are big enough to hold me
i know You Lord, yeah You
will carry me through

how great, how high
how deep, how wide
is Your love

the space in my mind is too small for You
the space in my heart is too small for You too
and all of things of the earth that i know
are too small for all of the greatness You've shown
but in all of this i'm still facing my needs
and i'm scared of how big they feel to me

nothing can separate from the love of Christ
all my doubts, He sees past and things to come

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCTj4jQ_2Oc

City Light

2009-09-09T08:14:00.001-05:00

City Light is a church in NYC that my friend goes to. Check out the podcasts... some great stuff. really loved "What Kind of Father is God?"

http://citylightnyc.com/#/3/0/

Diamond Day

2009-09-04T12:54:00.002-05:00

Vashti Bunyan "Diamond Day"

Just another diamond day
Just a blade of grass
Just another bale of hay
And the horses pass.

Just another field to plough
Just a grain of wheat
Just a sack of seed to sow
And the children eat.

Just another life to live
Just a word to say
Just another love to give
And a diamond day

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----

...Simple vestiges of my past, though I never lived on a farm. The idea of it always appealed to me and I suppose it still does. The profound simplicity of it all and yet the sweat of hard work and rough hands from labor speak of a richness found only in the dirt and grime of toil. Just a blade of grass, yet a miracle of life. Just another life to live and yet we all have a personal fingerprint. God is so intentional. Overlooking the simple, may just be overlooking a miracle.

Seasons come and seasons go. Talking to my roommate I expressed the great sorrow I always experience as I transition from one place to another, and yet the same intensity of great excitement and anticipation comes. Faces I leave, new faces I meet. The new become old friends and new friends come again. I long for a day when we can all be together. Whether it be due to circumstances growing up or the way I'm wired, transition always seems to bring a deep sadness coupled with a jubilant joy.

I find that as the Lord takes us through this life He loves to take us from glory to glory. Since I've known the Lord I have yet to experience disappointment in what He has in store for me. I cannot grapple with the fact that He is ALWAYS looking out for my best interest. Whether, in His wisdom He is allowing something painful to happen that He could prevent with His power, or whether His joy consumes me, I find that His love is ever-present and all consuming.

Diamond days. These are days that I have with the Lord. No matter how complex or simple the day proves, one thing I am always certain of is my position before the Lord. His daughter. His Beloved.

Two lives separated by the ocean-- it's a catch-22. On the one hand I can long for my life back home or on the other hand I can go home and long for my life overseas. This always takes me back to contentment. The discipline of being content. The Lord has me in certain places at certain times for certain purposes. I accept this. But not only do I want to accept it, I want to embrace it.

This second round of Korea, I find that embracing my life here is a little easier and yet harder in other ways.

Work has been all time consuming. My season is about decreasing and letting Him increase. In my mind I thought that meant more involvement at church. On the contrary, it meant that a time of intense work was about to be birthed.

Recently I discovered that out of a place of complete exhaustion is when He says to minister. Why? Because I have died and He can work.

With work, comes the fight for time. Time with You, Lord.

My eyes filled with tears as I remembered the sweetness of the hours upon hours we used to have to spend together. I likened it to the first years of a married couple. In those years they have the time to build the foundations of their marriage. In those years they weave their lives together intricately, in such a way with such a strength that the years to come will not tear them apart.

I have realized that my first years with the Lord are similar to this.

O, my Lover, how I have missed You.

I never thought that I'd be so blessed by something so awful. H1N1 has shut down our school for a week... I have finally found the time to rest with Him for more than the little spirts of time here and there. He always makes beauty from ashes. I should have known.

He is the sweetest Lover.

The fragrance of flowers likened to Jasmine fill the room, even penetrating through a stuffed-up nose. The new plants I bought bless me more and more. I am once again amazed by God's beauty. The air in my house has filled with a fragrance of the Lord's sweetness. For the length of my time with Him I have escaped the city and rested my head against His chest.

His eyes, His gaze has melted me. I am enamored by His love.

Circumstances change. The world moves madly on. Seasons change. I change. But one thing always remains-- His love. His constant love. Oh, my Lover. You have ravished my heart!

My heart bursts with love as I am reminded of His great kindness. The love He had to woo me to Himself. To sweep me up out of my blood and speak life into me. To clothe me and fill me with His love. Oh how those first years wove a beautiful bedrock of love. A love that never fails. A love that cannot be taken away. A love that conquers. A love that breathes life.

He holds my hand. Diamond Days. Brilliance in every day. A simple, mysteriously profound love my Jesus pulsates. To the rhythm of His love, I desire to live.

Take me away, my Lover.

...for so many

2009-07-12T09:54:00.001-05:00

please listen to this message and send it to someone that needs to hear it.

http://video.oru.edu/chapel/20090326_Rev%20Larry%20Stockstill%20-%20Spring%20Revival%2010am.php

book recommendation on marriage

2009-06-10T07:57:00.000-05:00

In light of the fact that the number of my close friends (as well as acquaintances) who are married and getting married is beginning to exceed the number of my close friends who are still single, I decided to pick up a book called, The Mystery of Marriage, by Mark Mason. (a solid recommendation by David Grotheim...Thanks!) Hands down, this is the best book I've ever read on the topic of marriage. If you are considering reading a book on marriage, I highly recommend this book. Mason has such a way with words and such depth and insight.

No book has ever made me long for marriage more, nor has any book ever made me more sober minded about marriage and able to enjoy the season of singleness that I am currently living out.

Singleness is a gift. So is marriage. We mustn't regard one as better than the other. We must embrace the seasons that God has us in. In your singleness you learn to cling to HIM alone and to go deeper and deeper as you long for that companion.

I've asked several older married women about what I should take advantage of in my single years and the one thing they always tell me is: "your time with God".... "treasure it because you don't have to share that time with anyone right now...not a husband and not kids."

Pastor Ray always said, "Just when you think you can't die to yourself anymore, you get married. And then just when you think you can't die to yourself anymore you have children..."

Anyway, my point is, singleness may be hard at times, but the grass is always greener on the other side. We've got to learn how to be content no matter what side of the fence we are on... no matter the season God has us in.

Having a partner will not completely satisfy. Only God can. God could always take your partner in an instant and you'd have to know where your roots lie. They can't be in a person. They must be rooted in God. He is the only one who is unshakable.

So all you singles, enjoy the ride. Pursue God whole-heartedly and prepare yourselves for the next season.

Them's my 2 cents. I got more but I'll leave it at that.

http://www.amazon.com/Mystery-Marriage-Meditations-Miracle/dp/1576737799

a funny

2009-06-10T06:58:00.001-05:00

Afternoon class with 9 year olds
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Assignment: Write 3 questions about a marine animal that you would like to know more about.

//Sharing time//

Student: How can dolphins get married in the sea?

Me: Um, what did you say? Get married?

Student: How can dolphins get married in the sea? [with a very serious look... she was not trying to be funny...]

Me: Oh.... um, well, dolphins don't get married. Yah, they don't get married. Only people do.

Student: [with a very puzzled and sad look] Why? Then how do they have babies?

Me: Um...

Student: How do they have babies in the sea then? [cocking her head to the side with a most confused expression]

Me: Okay, what's your next question?

more than tiny flowers

2009-06-06T06:56:00.002-05:00

I write so many journal entries in my head but they never seem to make it to paper. Here's one I remembered after talking to my sister two nights ago. Short and sweet.
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My sister, she could always find the tiniest flowers.

She never brought my mom big bouquets of flowers like I did-- no, she'd somehow find the smallest flower there was, pick it with her tiny hands and present it with a humble gesture of love. I can still see my mom's smile and hear my dad's little chuckle as he, too, disbelieved that she could manage to find such a small, lovely treasure.

It didn't matter where we were; we could be at the beach, in the desert, in the city or near a river and she'd somehow find a tiny flower. She has a gift for this sort of thing.

I remember being at Magnolia Beach one summer and she went off on her own for a while. I, of course, was probably being too loud and down by the water or doing something bold and daring. While my sister, she was always so delicate and sweet. She was dainty and would float along always being run over by her older sister. She was the little "Queen of the Lanterns" and I was "Dyanamite" as Dad called me.

Well, time passed and here she came with this grin on her face. A little angel offering a flower so small you had to squint to see it. It was one of those flowers that needed to be taped down in your journal, otherwise you'd never appreciate it's beauty as it'd be swept away by just about anything. She handed it to my Granny and looked up at her with those big green/blue eyes that so resemble Mom's.

I was always amazed by the intricate and strikingly beautiful flowers she would uncover as they seemed to be hidden away. My dad always said it was because she was closer to the ground than all of us. I think it's because she looked for them.

Besides little flowers, she also always managed to find heart-shaped rocks. This was another gift of her's. Anytime we went camping or to the beach, she'd stumble upon a rock that nevertheless resembled a heart. Growing up, I loved this about her. I don't think I appreciated her as I do today, but I always knew that she had something special. A gift to find beauty and share it with others.

This is something I have always tried to do, as well. I think it's something that our parents passed down to us. Whether it be dad taking us outside or mom writing poetry with us, we grew up with parents who had free spirits.

Beauty is something that I am always on the look-out for. And you know, I believe that I learned it from my four year old sister. Perhaps I had always hunted for beauty as well, but she taught me to look in the most unlikely places. She taught me to look even when no one else is looking. And, she taught me that you just have to look.

I see this in my walk with the Lord. He has all these treasures hidden, but they're not so hidden that we can't find them. All we have to do is look. He has more than just tiny flowers hidden away for us. It's time to go looking...

Proverbs 25:2
It is the glory of God to conceal a matter;
to search out a matter is the glory of kings.

waiting for the rain

2009-06-02T10:32:00.001-05:00

A storm's a-brewin' and the winds a-blowin'. I heard thunder for the first time since I've been in Korea (or so I can remember). Walking home tonight, the urge to rest under the security of a wooden deck like the one in Colorado at Pam's house or the one at the 'Y' suddenly came upon me. Low and behold, there she was. Her sanctuary of peace opened to the outdoors all the while shielding me from the droplets of rain that, unannounced, would fall from the sky sporadically.

Rustling trees sang a tune to me as my hand gently caressed the pen under the glow of a soft street light. Shadows danced in the wind and people passed with a quickness in hopes of returning home before the rain showered the land. I, however, rested. For once, I had stopped to remember the sound and smell of a storm.

My thoughts ventured to my days of living in Colorado where I had sat so many nights on that wooden porch at the Admin Building, watching the sun set behind the mountains, leaving a glow of silhouetted peaks. Fading away, the sun would be replaced by the porch lights. Elk drifted past, tending the lawn as they ate away. Chilled and fresh air filled my lungs with such refreshment.

Even now, I sat on that wooden porch, in the middle of Seoul. The air, not so clean, yet the rain brought a freshness. I have experienced God's rain in so many places... some in more beautiful surroundings but all the same, it brings delight and freshness to my soul.

The smell of the rain makes me think of my time when I first arrived in Korea. It's an earthy smell, washing away all the dirt and leaving the skies a bit cleaner and trails of yellow dust from the Gobi Desert.

Tonight I rested with the Lord as He stirred up the weather. I longed to be in the mountains or the hill country of Texas, but I reckoned that since God had me here I might as well embrace it and love it. I started to cherish the moment-- as one day I will reminisce about my time in Korea--even the big, tall buildings.

It's interesting how storms take on different character in different places. My memory of storms in Colorado, Texas, Florida, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, and Korea are all so different. I love how the rain came so suddenly and timely in Florida-- 3pm everyday without skipping a beat. In Costa Rica it was very similar only the storms were not nearly as violent and dark as Florida unless they happened at night. I miss the lightening storms in Florida and Texas--especially in the hill country. The rain would linger but the sky would light up with dancing beams of light, bouncing between the clouds with the thunder echoing through the hills. In Houston the skies would turn green and the rain would come down in such heavy sheets that you could not see to drive. In Korea, the rain seems to come more silently, with a heavy atmosphere and big drops of water that wash away the dirt in the city. The sky darkens a little but the rain does not usually stop daily life as it does in Houston sometimes. Instead, rivers of umbrellas wind through the sidewalks and streets of Seoul. In Texas, at times I'd have to hold my umbrella in front of me because the wind blew so hard the rain came straight at you rather than over you. Here, the rain gently rolls in, maybe for a few hours or maybe for a few days and then dries up with the sun and a cleaner sky. Nothing too dramatic. In a land of extremes, I'd expect more intense thunderstorms, but I have yet to experience them in the land of Korea. There is not ever really a 'thunder' storm.

I looked up to see the stars, half forgetting that I was in the city. I dismissed the idea of stars before I finished looking up. Instead, I enjoyed the moment. ...for this too shall pass and a new season will arrive, leaving only memories of my time in Korea.

Though I miss the outdoors and lush greenery, I am somehow trying to learn to like living in the city. I am forced to search out beauty... it's here; I just have to look harder. (but I won't lie, I'll be happy when God takes me to a more lush environment! ^^ ...as someone put it, Korea is a place where character is grown... so the 'garden of character' to grow the fruit of the spirit... a season to be pruned and refined... )

Today my school visited a farm to let the children see their cabbage they planted a few weeks ago. It was so wonderful. When I was a kid I used to garden in my backyard... as I've gotten older time has not allowed for such outlets. I envied the old women tending the garden and thought of how great it'd be to work in a garden like this--even if it was just for a hobby! I wonder how much it costs to have some of the community land for farming. I think that it'd be so fun to have some land in the city to garden... fresh veggies! mmm...

I actually found some dirt the other day in a pot that was being thrown out. I have been wanting to replant my mint and rosemary as it's growing like crazy. I carried the pot home and hope to replant them soon! Only, my apartment doesn't get very much sunlight (a little depressing), and my last rosemary plant died, so I might have to keep it at school and wait to replant it when I move.

So, the rain still hasn't come, but I am enjoying the cool breeze in my room!

Maybe it'll be one of those mornings where it's raining and I just want to sleep in or read a book. Those are my favorite, IF, and only IF it's on a day I don't have work. haha

so, G'Night! I must get some rest now lest I have to wake in the morn to a gentle rain that sings me a lullaby!

like a child

2009-06-02T10:31:00.000-05:00

As my feet hit the ground in a steady rhythm, the distance between us became shorter. His clapping hands and state of bliss in a world, that in many ways, remained out of his consciousness seemed to speak volumes to me. I wondered when it is that we lose our ability to not care what others think. For me, I can remember being self-conscious in Kindergarten. A shame, really. For others, the later elementary years or even as late as their teens. I admired how this child, maybe eight or nine, just enjoyed his own hand clapping and not a thing in the world was about to make him self-conscious about it.

I smiled as I passed and pondered what it would take for me to enter into that kind of carefree walk once again. I suppose that any step I take outside of feeling self-conscious is a breakthrough for me (and many others I presume). It's funny because we tend to live in this fear of man's judgment (some more than others), rather than embracing who we are and enjoying our own oddities and unique ways that we're wired. I have become more free in the last few years, but I know that I have a long way to go if I desire to have the freedom of a child in the way that a child lives outside the thoughts of man.

The Father calls us to be childlike.

Mark 10:15 I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

Matthew 18:4 Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

While we are called to grow up, eat meat rather than spiritual milk, and serve others, we are still called to like children in our walk with God. Once again, a paradox that we must dive into.

We are to be wise, mature, servants, etc, but we are to have faith like a child-- that we could crawl up in our Daddy's lap and know that He is good.... to know that He gives us good gifts when we ask. This childlike awareness and love of God brings down the Kingdom.

There was a time for all of us that we did not care what others thought. I see the kids that I teach and can easily see this as they do all sorts of things, not caring one bit who sees or what someone thinks. At one time, we freely gave what we had to offer our parents-- though it was nothing really-- save a gesture of love, which is something far greater than words can express. In the same way, we have nothing to offer God except our lives and love. This outside of Jesus is nothing, but because of Him, it is a most beautiful thing-- especially as we do so with the heart of a child.

Many times, our walk with the Lord is hindered by our own thoughts and self-absorption. We must look to HIM and see Him as a child does. You tell a child that he can pray for healing and he believes it. You tell an adult and he becomes offended or in a state of mockery. Why have our hearts hardened in such a way that we don't allow the miraculous? I have seen miracles and I know that God is alive and powerful. He is the healer. He is moving in power today. I've seen too much to deny it. However, I am also pleading for the Lord to give me a childlike faith and heart that I might live in the miraculous every day (with awareness). We so easily weave between the faith of a child and the stone heart of a jaded adult. Lord, may we not harden our heart to You! May we believe you for great things! Greater things still...

As I passed, I made eye contact with him. He did not even hesitate or become embarrassed for a second. He kept on smiling and clapping as I ran past. Little did he know that his bliss had spoken deeply to me.

May we walk with this kind of freedom. May we not walk in the fear of man, nor the self-absorption of what others think of us. Rather, may our eyes be fixed on Jesus, walking forward in our faith, ready to run freely like a child and all the while, leading and serving as adults.

May we step out in faith...bringing the Kingdom with us...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saEC5g2TDgA

a moment to write

2009-05-13T09:16:00.001-05:00

I'm going to try and be more faithful about capturing some of my thoughts and experiences in Korea. This helps me process my life here as well as giving a small perspective on the culture here. In no way can I fully capture the culture and probably, most certainly have a biased view of things here.

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Really, I think that most cities allow for indulgence. The fact that I can walk two minutes and buy fresh Sushi and fried shrimp for 6,000won is incredible. Though I am suffocated by tall buildings, I am surrounded by little blessings such as my neighborhood Sushi restaurant. Across from that little treasure I can buy all my fruit and veggies. Outside of my workplace, I can go down to a corner store in the same building and buy snacks, visit an ATM, etc. So convenient. It's funny how some things are highly convenient and other things are super inconvenient-- such as meeting up with friends or going to church, buying large amounts of groceries or buying jeans.

I find that living in a city, I have to 'up' the notch of self-discipline regarding eating. Comfort foods are all around and everyone likes to eat out. Cooking is not the norm, especially since most people don't have ovens here (me included). This is not an ideal place for me to learn how to cook. Fried eggs, soups and the like are what I'm sticking with.

In the city there are so many kinds of indulgences that don't seem to find as much strength nor the avenues to take root in a smaller town. In Seoul if you want to indulge in spending money, eating, having sex, gambling, walking, -- whether morally acceptable or not-- it's here and readily accessible. This is something that I find very interesting about living in a city. Not the suburbs. Not smallville. But a city that encompasses 40 plus million. Now, that's a city.

I was eating tonight and could not figure out if my server was a girl or guy. No, seriously. I caught myself staring a few times trying to figure it out. Sweet spirit, just not sure of the gender. My heart sank. Something that I can't quite get used to here in Korea is that many of the men here are very feminine. This definitely is not appealing to me. I was talking with some Korean Americans and I expressed how it is a little disturbing that many of the men here wear make-up or have more feminine tendencies than I do. Of course, what does that say about my femininity but what in the world? I'm sure that I am way too strong and masculine for their taste, while for me they are way too feminine! This is mostly seen with the younger generations. The older men tend to be business men who divulge in drinking way too much. Many of the men have man bags (and I can understand that since they have to track across the city, but some of those bags...); the make-up-- I can't understand that at all; the clothes-- when I question who the girl is in the relationship as I look from a distance, that's just not cool. Sometimes the only distinguishing factor is that the woman is wearing high heals. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but seriously. The long hair-- now I don't mind long hair on men as long as they are manly, but combine long hair with feminine men and that's just not cool. I'm probably really stepping on some toes right now. I don't mean to offend. I'm just stating my opinion. I have no problem being friends with these men; I just think I would never date someone that made me question my femininity! I was told by a native Korean that I should dress up more and wear more make-up. Of course, my grandma has told me that since I was a child. I think that I like to be feminine but I also like to be comfortable. Stilletos are not comfortable so I'll stick with cute flats (and flip-flops, sorry). My coworker, who's dating a native Korean, was told by him to wear bigger earrings because they were more 'Korean' and feminine. We often laugh about how we are probably too strong and independent for Korean men. Hey, just to let you know, I don't believe that all Korean men are like that and actually most the men from my church do not fall into that category (just in case someone was reading and suddenly became insecure or defensive). Wow, where did that rant come from?

I went to dinner with a Korean coworker the other day and we enjoyed a delicious Italian meal with the Korean flair of Kimchi. Of course, you can't get a single meal in Korea without Kimchi. ^^ That's okay,though, because I have acquired a love for kimchi and quite possibly an addiction. It's funny because I hated kimchi the first time I tried it and wanted to spit it out. However, a few someones told me that it was healthy and being that in Korea the people eat it with EVERY meal, I decided to force myself to consume it. After three months of taking small portions and forcing it down, I came to LOVE kimchi. Actually, it was the first food that I craved after a ten day fast. I mean, after that, I realized I was acclimating to this culture. So, out to dinner with Ally, and the restaurant was empty. We were enjoying a long conversation about our travels and such as well as work and other life happenings, accompanied by a lovely window view of the Samsung Plaza. Interestingly enough, we were asked to leave after we had occupied the table for more than an hour and a half. I found this funny as there was no one waiting to be seated and the restaurant was not closing. Ally shook her head and said, "Oh, Korea." She's a native but has traveled enough to know that that is silly. I wondered if that would have happened in the States. I suppose it could. I can't recall that ever happening unless there were people waiting, and even then sometimes the restaurants just let you talk on and on.

The most bizarre thing happened the other day while I was running. Up ahead I spotted two older women. Just about the time I spotted them I saw one grab the other by the waist and proceeded to pull down the other woman's pants as they both squatted in sync. Right there, on the grass by the track. I diverted my eyes, feeling as though I was violating them or perhaps being violated. haha The only thing I could think was that perhaps the older woman had some physical/medical issues and had to relieve herself right then and there otherwise there would be a mess in her pants. I felt bad for her. How embarrassing. Though, neither of them seemed to care or seem to have even the remotest shame. 'Hey, we're human. You poo too." Maybe that's what they were thinking. Anyway, my friend Christie describes life in the Korea the best: she says, "My life in Korea is so random. Every day something random happens." That's about how I would describe my life here. Maybe as a native it wouldn't be so random, but then I wonder. It is the city and when you put this many people in one place, I'm sure that out of the ordinary happens both for the foreigner as well as for the native. I think that if I lived in NY or LA I'd probably experience some crazy stuff too. People are people. And sometimes that means strange things happen.

This week I have had parent meetings for my MK students. I love my little babies. And by babies, I mean my five and six year olds. They really are so young! One of the biggest things that I cannot get used to is that the parents will ask about other students and expect me to tell them. And in fact, the Korean staff allows it and encourages it as well. I hate it. In the States you'd be fired. Period. End of story. A violation of privacy. We have some meetings where all the parents come and then I have to share about each child in front of all the parents. It's so awkward. However, the parents all talk anyway and control the school by coming in numbers as well as force. The give the money so in the end they control the curriculum and the rest of the school in a lot of ways. There is one parent that is the head parent for a class and they generally have a lot of say and power. I've got a parent coming in tomorrow with three other parents in order to discuss the curriculum. Many of the mothers don't work and spend all their time bringing complaints and searching for a new, better Hogwan to transfer their child to. Hogwans are very transient in nature as children are often uprooted and replanted to new schools for petty reasons. It's a very interesting system. There are some parents that do work and in the Bundang area they are usually doctors and sometimes cocky and hard to please. However, I've had a few really wonderful parents to work with. I'm so thankful for them. There are a lot of politics within the Hogwans (private schools in Korea). For the most part, I've learned to conform and just do my job while loving the kids and trying to do what's best for the children. I will say that I'm excited to be in a more professional setting as I move to an International school this next year. Oh, there's so much to say about Hogwans. Maybe another night I'll share more thoughts.

I've gotta clean up a little and read.
G'night!

rambling thoughts; efforts to get back into writing; nothing profound tonight.

2009-05-06T07:19:00.017-05:00

Running tonight, I was thinking on the way the seasons change and how easily I seem to be affected by the weather-- not something I'm particularly happy about but I've noticed how long winters with little sunlight really do bring a limp in my step.

Recently the warm air and sunshine have been seeping deep into me and I've been finding myself a lot more comfortable in my skin, as though something awakened in me that has been hiding away these past 9 months in Korea. Or, perhaps it's the time factor... growing friendships, the knowledge that I'll have a trip home soon, or it could even simply be that I've finally satiated (for a time) my hunger for the arts after our pottery throwing lock-in. Whatever it may be, I am beginning to feel more comfortable with myself in this foreign land. (This is not to say that I haven't enjoyed my time here because I have certainly loved being here and I'm glad that I will have longer to explore this land and people.)

Like running, writing is an exercise and when out of practice it shows. I've found myself writing less and less these days. Being an adult with a full time job and other responsibilities, I have forsaken my love of writing. I desperately want to get back in the habit of writing each week.

I suppose that it makes it harder being a worker, as my most creative times tend in the wee hours of the night and into dawn when the street lights fade with the rising sun.

Maybe it's the silence. The feeling of being left alone to sort out my thoughts. The feeling of being intimately wrapped up in my Lord's arms. The soft breeze that accompanies the settling dew. It's a time when I can evade the world and draw nearer to the Lord in a more real way. Not the way I do in daily life. No, a real drawing near. No interruptions, save the passing yawns that make my eyes water so I cannot read what I am writing.

Spring in Korea never came and it seems that summer is hear already. I miss Texas springs. I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of Korea's weather. It's either rainy and hot or way too cold for way too long with gray skies. It's just depressing. So, days like today, I treasure! Though the sun was already setting when I left work, I went out to run by the river that stretches through this part of the city. It's so beautiful down there. I like to run past the buildings 'til I get to a clearing where I can see the mountains which are now covered with lush greenery. I think that deep down I might be a tree hugger as I just can't stand being in a place without trees and beautiful terrain. Maybe that's why I love the mountains so much, especially the Rockies. Even in the winter the ferns are still green. However, I do have a friend that thinks the Rockies are rugged and ugly. I suppose the ruggedness is something I find attractive. Something about their ruggedness is alluring-- it's untouchable and foreboding, yet beckoning. I think God is kind of like that. Beautiful and yet frighteningly powerful. You are drawn in but know that you must respect Him. In the same way, you must respect the mountains or you might find yourself a victim to their uncontrollable power of being. It's just how they are. ...I still can't think of a more beautiful place than Glacier National Park in Montana.

It's ten tonight and I know that I should go to bed soon, but I don't want to. I can't seem to break my habit of staying up late. If I ever want time to myself then I have to stay up late-- after school and meeting with people. I just had an orange and some tomatoes. I can't get over how expensive fruits and veggies are in Korea. Back in Texas I would always buy so much fruit and vegetables. I'm not a vegetarian, but I love eating healthy. I'm a sucker for a medium-well steak, don't get me wrong. Korean food is pretty healthy overall, minus the MSG that plagues almost all food you eat in restaurants. However, having the genes from my mother, I can't take in as much rice as a Korean otherwise it just all likes to stay around if you know what I mean. I have to really watch my carb intake here in Korea. Back home I liked to eat the whole wheats and steer clear of empty carbs, but here it's really hard to do that and quite frankly I haven't seen any whole wheat bread (though I haven't been to the Costco). Living with a nutrition major and other health conscious roommates, I learned how to eat more healthily but I think that I have lost some of that discipline being in the city and surrounded by new foods along with unhealhty comfort foods. It's funny how being in a foreign country can cause simple things to some how become more complicated-- like buying food. I now understand why the foreigners refused to eat food at the 'Y' in Estes Park. They'd rather starve themselves than eat all that processed food. Living overseas I can now understand as most other countries use fresh foods. I miss Latin America for that reason. I used to get freshly cut fruit on my way home from work in the DR. Wow, I miss Latin America. I hope that one day I'll be back there for a more extended time and finish learning Spanish. That is a dream of mine.

I found some more stuff in the trash last night. On my way home I found a cool picture frame and a big picture of some movie I've never heard of: French Kiss. It's got a sweet picture of Meg Ryan and some guy dancing. Anyway, I figured that I could put another picture in the frame or if I get tired of it I'll just stick it back in the trash. There aren't really thrift stores here in Korea which I terribly miss! Colorado and Michigan had the best thrift stores. I miss the $1 bag days in Estes. Never could I force more stuff into one bag than on dollar bag days. I remember when Nicole got a ski jacket and ski pants for one buck. What a deal! Can't beat that with a stick as my dad would say. I don't understand why some people won't wear anything that's not brand new. People give me a hard time when I get stuff from thrift stores or the trash, but hey, if it's usable and in decent quality, why not? Helping the world out, recycling and saving a few bucks.

I'm looking at my Nikon d40 and thinking that I should probably just download the manual on line and figure out the cool functions of this camera. I mean, really, it's way more advanced that I am.

I haven't talked to my sister in so long and she's had a baby already...I just can't believe how fast we all grow up and how fast this life flies by. It's funny how we all just go our own ways and live our own lives. I never would have dreamed that she'd be in England, married and with a baby while I'm away in Korea and my parents are back home. It's just so crazy! We really have become quite a globalized people.

They came and vanished
Cherry Blossoms, sweet Spring snow
A tease, here and gone.

I could not believe how quickly the Cherry Blossoms came and then one day they were all dead or blown away. They were beautiful for about 2 weeks (if that).... like a gentle snow in the Spring as the wind blew their petals through the air. Lovely.

You know, in Korea you build up a tolerance and endurance to ruthless stares. I mean, I have never in my life been stared at by more sets of eyes than in Korea. You'd think I was out of a zoo or something. At first I thought maybe it's 'cuz I clearly looked helpless and lost, but now that I generally know what I'm doing (unless it's new terrain) I find that the stares continue. I've sort of gotten used to it. It's more of how to respond that I don't know... sometimes I ignore it, other times I smile just to make them feel awkward (since Koreans never smile to strangers unless they're Korean-American) or I stare back at them with the same intensity of curiosity. It's like we're both different creatures or something. It really bothers me sometimes and other times I just let it go. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much other than maybe it's 'cuz I feel a little violated with these glaring eyes that follow me as I move. My friend, Alyssa, told me how once she saw a woman drop something so she kindly picked it up and handed it to the woman. Upon such a gesture, the woman seemed to have had an 'aha' moment and realized that Alyssa was human, too, with feelings. It really depends on who you run into in this place. I've had some very odd encounters and some really genuine crossings. I love the little market I go to by my house. The people are always really friendly and help me get the cheaper fruit. One man even gives me free samples sometimes to try and persuade me of the latest shipment.

Living in the city has definitely given me an appreciation for the countryside...even more so than I had before. I have always been a child of nature (not to be blasphemous of course, haha). I often feel as though the endless sky scrapers are going to suffocate me. Thankfully Korea is blanketed with mountains which weave in and out of the roads and buildings. I am hoping that I can find some other campers soon and go camping in June or in August when I return. If I didn't feel a call to ministry then I'd most certainly be living somewhere in the mountains probably near a beach as well so maybe the West coast, though I could handle Colorado or some other beautiful place as well. Maybe one day my call will be somewhere like that! Being in Seoul has definitely allowed me to search out beauty with more vigor. I'm thankful for the flowers that are planted around the city and the backdrop of mountains mingling with the tall man-made structures.

I think that I realized a few nights ago that this city never sleeps. Never. People were out and about all night long and when we left at 5:30 am people were up all around the city. It's not like in good ol' College Station where the roads are completely empty after 2am or so, especially into Bryan away from campus. I miss those nights of driving home on an empty highway with the occasional headlight beaming at you as it passes in the opposite direction.

I think that recently I've been understanding why my step-mom always talks about her college days and how much she loved that time. Now about a year and a half out of college, I realize how much I miss that life. Not the stress of testing and cramming but definitely the atmosphere and lifestyle of college... I walked on a few campuses here in Seoul and it was definitely a bittersweet feeling. I couldn't help but be a little envious of the students, knowing that they still have so many great memories to make, so many great experiences and believe it or not, free time. The mingling of finding oneself and following the flow of life. There is so much growth to be done in those years-- pivotal years that do really help to set the course of your life. I'm so glad for Jesus. he so wonderfully interrupted my life. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

I was just talking with a friend the other night about how I wished that I would have had enough guts to be an arts major. However, I never had enough courage to do something that I would have really loved because it didn't' seem practical enough. In the end, I am happy with teaching and know that it's a calling on my life... and yet I can't help but long to take some classes in photography, art, music, writing, pottery, etc. Maybe some cool history or English classes... sadly my major didn't allow for any electives and I had to take 5 maths and 4 sciences...not my cup of tea! I also wanted to meddle in International Studies and maybe focus on the Middle East or Latin America. I suppose I can always go back to school one day... who knows. I do know that the Lord told me to get a teaching degree and that teaching would be my passport... and look who's teaching overseas! ^.^ In the end, I am pleased with how the Lord has led my life. I can rest and trust Him with my future as well.

I'm listening to a song called, "Traveling Light" by Luke Brindley and I think of how I am always so torn between living freely and living captive-- captive to responsibility and call. And yet, in Christ I am more free than ever, traveling light in a different sense. I still have urges to just go and travel. I've got the traveling bug in me and can't deny it. I wanna get out of the city and see some more of Korea. I wish that I could some how just speak Korean. I know that God downloads languages to people, and I believe that if He wanted to, He could give me Korean. Norberto received English suddenly. That's just so cool! Anyway, I'm glad that I'll be in Korea longer than one year so that I can really establish myself here more and continue allowing God to work in my life and use me in whatever ways He desires. I've been praying about North Korea, but I have no real conclusion about that right now, so right now I'm pleased to know that Korea is a training ground for me and then God will show me the next step in time whether I stay longer or move on from here. Secretly, I want to go to Latin America (or maybe not so secretly).

I've also considered Cali -- going out to Bill Johnson's school in Redding. I'd love to go have some hard core training and by then I hope to have my loans paid off-- debt free and ready to 'go'.

I don't ever know where to focus my attention sometimes... I want more time to play flute, to write, to soak up the Word, to brush up on teaching techniques, to spend time with friends, to visit family... it's times like that I wish I were more choleric by nature. Roy was pointing out to me the the other day that our personality temperament is the laziest of them all because the melancholy-phlegmatic sways from being a perfectionist and not getting anything done to the lazy phlegmatic. With Jesus there is hope! That's all I got to say!

"the edges are torn and the sky is hazy" so i press into prayer and keep asking God about my future. I'm excited because my life has been 100x more interesting since I've known the Lord and I know that He has great plans...

You know I wish that we could all just burn the disguises that we put on. I mean, especially since I've been in Korea I feel that way as everyone tries to blend in. No matter what I do I'll stick out, which doesn't bother me so much, but I am bothered a bit by the all-consuming need to be the same. I find that it really does feel oppressive at times. I suppose I'm glad that I'm not Korean in the sense that I automatically am excused from that expectation. Though, I do find that when I dress down, I feel a little less at ease. If I could wear linen and flip flops everyday I would. And in college, I did wear flip flops just about everyday-- even through Texas winter sometimes, which isn't much of a winter at all. I always wanted to live somewhere where the leaves change colors and the seasons shift... Korea seems to have a really short Fall and a nonexistent Spring. In that case, I'll take Texas weather. You know, you don't really know what you have until you leave or have it taken away from you. I never knew I was so proud to be a Texan until I started traveling. I remember returning from the DR and I never was happier to hear someone say in a Texan accent not to mention, "Welcome back to the United States of America." and then to drive through the open roads of Texas, quiet and beckoning. No matter where God takes me, I know that Texas will always be dear to my heart. It is my homeland away from Heaven.

I finally buckled and just bought a pair of new running shoes. I waited four years even though "they" with a capital 'T' say that you should have two pairs and rotate, not using a pair of running shoes more than six months. Heh, I suppose I violated that rule big time. My friend Aimee came with me to Samsung Plaza which was recently renamed.. I was so shocked that I didn't even remember the new name; of course, I'm no good for remembering names, anyhow. I did find a pair of glove-fit running shoes. They have pink on them and I was hesitant to wear them because I'm not a pink kinda girl. Aimee was like a sales person and kept showing me shoes and trying to persuade me of their worth. She somehow convinced me to branch out and just buy the shoes since they were good shoes, cheaper than others and hey, they didn't scream, 'girly' but instead, 'I am woman, hear me roar.' With that, sold. Not that I am a feminist (or I try not to be these days), but I also am not a girly-girl. I like to play in the mud, go camping, catch bugs, and play video games (but only old school like mario kart). so, I bought the shoes and they have been a good fit for me and yes, the pink has grown on me. I suppose that when I branched out to own some pink tops I should have known that eventually I'd have shoes with pink, too. Now, if you ask me to go as far as the Koreans and wear heals everyday, even unto hiking and the beach, forget it.

I love the smell of rain and as the warm weather has brought the showers of rain, I find myself remembering my first days in Korea. The smell, so familiar, as I came during the rainy season. The rivers of floating umbrellas that sail along the sidewalks and streets... the earthy smell as the dirt in the city is washed away... the clearing of pollution in the sky-- leaving clear skies when the clouds pass... the hushed city beats on during the rain.

A bunch of us from church and a few new faces headed out to Hongik University the other night to have an all night affair with art and the pottery wheel. I found myself really loving it, the mud under my fingernails and the gritty feeling of clay between my fingers... it took me back to the days of gardening as a child and some in my college days. I miss having a backyard to dig in; the best I can do is keep some mint and rosemary in my classroom and an ivy at home. :) The clay melded with my hands and I knew that this is something that I should have done years ago. I am envious of people who can make masterpieces, though I know that their skill has taken time to attain. I hope that I have another opportunity to stand in as the potter.

I will confess. I've been in Korea for 9 months and I haven't sent any postcards home. I feel terrible for this so I think that I better send them soon so that they make it home before I do. I find myself not feeling like Korea is that foreign as it is so globalized and westernized. And yet, other times I know, without a doubt, that this land is absolutely foreign to me. Mostly that feeling comes when I am faced with some blatant cultural difference or unlikely happening except that I'm in Korea and that's what happens here. I find some things so funny. I was passing the cross way today on my way back to work after getting coffee on my lunch break to be entertained by the sight of a bus driver getting out and smoking during the red light. I mean, I suppose it's not that weird to me anymore but I remember that the first time I saw a bus driver leaned up against his bus in the center of the four way intersection six lanes wide, puffing on a cigarette and waiting out the red light, I couldn't help but laugh and think, "What the heck is that driver doing?" That just wouldn't pass in Texas. However, the road rules here are definitely not the worst I've seen. DR was probably 10x worse! and the Middle East...

O, I wanna have a night out barefoot on the grass, dancin' to some acoustic folk. Just sayin'.

You know, I've talked a lot about things I miss and things that are hard in Korea, but I have to say that if I were leaving Korea for good in July, I would miss this place terribly. My friends, the food, public transportation, walking everywhere, and yes, even the city life--as much as I dog on it. This is a season and I am loving it. God has been good to me. Korea is a lonely place for a foreigner but God has given me some great people to connect with. That I am so thankful for. Truly. In some ways, I am falling in love with this land. I think that if you're somewhere long enough you inevitably grow a fondness for the place. It intertwines with you and your memory so that you can no longer look at it from outside of that personal encounter. It's like Houston. I hate that city, but it carries a dear song to me-- a song that tells my heart of so many rhythms I once danced to hand in hand with the land in that all too humid and busy city. Seoul, the city that never sleeps, has definitely been singing a song to me-- one I cannot quite sing with yet, but find myself moving to-- it will be all too soon before I am singing the song of Seoul.

This is not a culture that embraces you. Rather, you must forcefully impose yourself or you will never grow to love this land, or so that is how I can explain my experience. I am used to the warm culture of Texas and Latin America. Or even the inviting cultures of the Muslims and Africa. The culture in Korea is definitely different from my previous cultural experiences. So, I reach out and force myself upon the culture. In doing so, I've found myself to grow into a fondness for the people and land. It's taking some time, but it also took me three months of eating kimchi everyday before I actually liked it. Now, I can't get enough. Or coffee for that matter...it took me two overseas trips to Latin America and living with Kara who couldn't get by without having a cup of coffee each day before I could say that I liked coffee. An acquired taste. Now, I LOVE coffee and even like to drink it black. ...Yes, to me, this culture is an acquired taste. It's growing on me. And I'm finding myself quite at home in many ways.

I found the coolest coffee shop ever! Of course, it reminds me of Costa Rica. It would. It's at Apujeoung exit 6 and is real quaint and cozy. There is real ivy hung up around the lil' shop and a coffee bean factory machine (not sure of the name) with coffee beans spilling out over the top onto the floor. They import REAL coffee from Latin America and it's freshly brewed right there. It's amazing. I wish I lived closer; then again, if I did I might become addicted to coffee again. I've steered clear of that addiction. I drink it every now and then and get the shakes. I have to make sure that the caffeine works when I really need it so I make sure I don't get addicted. Plus I hate the headaches that accompany the addiction and I don't like being dependent on anything like that. While I lived in DR I had black coffee every morning...coming off that gave me a lot of headahces! oh do I miss the fresh coffee there!

I could really go for some humus right now. I think that'll be my next project: making humus in Korea. Nothing better than homemade humus and pita bread! mmmboy! My mouth is watering already! I miss middle eastern food for sure! I love to visit Iteawon just for the food! There are a lot of Turks there and I can never get enough of Turkish food or the people!

I'm going to be returning home in July and I plan to get rid of most of my possessions save a few (well a lot) of pictures and videos and some little sentimental things. I think that I'll take pictures of some things I can just get rid of that way I can remember. My friend, David, who is also really sentimental told me that he did that when he married Kara because she doesn't like to keep anything as much as a spare piece of paper. Staying in Korea has been a good incentive to finally do the unthinkable: get rid of all my junk! And boy, do I have a lot! As Benji said, it is no "one-man operation." So much for being resourceful and a pack rat. It's only brought me more burden. I'm hoping to give away a lot of stuff and maybe sell a few pieces for some extra cash. I'm a little nervous since my time home will be so short but I know that this needs to be done. My dad used to say, "Denny, you're room is going to fall through to the first floor." I'd laugh, and then he'd say in a serious tone, "I'm not joking." So, I'd laugh harder, partly out of embarrassment. I suppose that I get it from my mom and grandma. They're both pack rats. I think that it's partly being resourceful, partly a fear of not being provided for, and partly a comfort factor as I've always grown up with a lot of stuff around. Even as a kid, I always liked to collect things, even if I never used the stuff. I had all kinds of collections: rocks, trolls, fairy winkles, my little pet shop, disney movies, stuffed animals, stamps, coins, okay...so maybe I slightly had ocd as a child. But I've always liked to collect things and now I collect things and actually use them--not just for the sake of having a collection. As a child I just wanted to preserve everything. However, I have to have a spring cleaning to keep me in check and ditch whatever is not being used on a regular basis. I used to think that it saved me money to have so much stuff, and granted it does, but in the end it can become a burden--especially now that I'm traveling and don't have a home base anymore. And more than a burden to me I hate having my stuff be a burden to others. I suppose I don't know what to do with some of the stuff I've acquired over the years, such as the stuff I inherited after deaths in the family. With my mom gone and my dad remarried, there's not really anywhere to store the stuff. I've become the protector of pictures and such. Ugh. I just wanna be free from stuff! As I've lived with some women that are less prone to being a pack rat, I've grown to appreciate the simplicity of having nothing. After living in Latin America I found the joy of simplicity as well. Yet, even in Korea I have somehow attained a lot of stuff, even though I have refused to go shopping. I guess that would be the result of trash surfing. Oh, well. I'm excited to rummage once more through my junk and pray that I have it in me to finally get rid of most my stuff--especially if it's sentimental.

You know, I've gone through a lot of healing, but there are still days that something will trigger a brief moment of sadness. A song, a scent, a voice, a laugh, a memory will be jogged by something and I'll think on what my life would be like if my mom were still alive today. You know, I really hate the work of satan and I think that I've really grown to hate how he destroys people, espeically in the case of depression.

After hearing Brother Michael's testimony, I realized that I, too, have a powerful story, but it's not as easy to just say it. With him, I used to be a drug dealer and then I had an encounter with God when an angel pulled me away from a drug deal and nothing has been the same since (or in short, that's his story). I think with my story I have to ease into it a little. I still haven't found a very tactful way in doing this at least without people wanting to console me or feeling bad for me. I think that sometimes I don't share simply becuase I don't want to face people's reactions. You know, I'm not the only one who has lost a parent. Though, suicide is definitely an unnatural death, but with eternity written on our hearts, no death feels natural. It's all the same in some sense.

Finding myself after my mom died took several years and really didn't transpire until I met Jesus. He has gently been wooing this little girl to himself and speaking tenderly to her, wrapping his arms tightly around her as the tears finally surfaced after years of being hardened and nubmed to life. I step back and see how far God has taken me and where He has me and I can't help but praise Him! There's this one Jolie Holland/The Be Good Tanyas song that always makes me think on my mom. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKcQigkBnU4 I actually can't understand what she is saying but it's the sound of the song and the footage of the movie, Fly Away Home. I find myself identifying with the feelings of that girl who lost her mom in the movie. I was that little girl. Or I think on Veta from My Girl. or Corina, Corina. All those movies... I find myself relating to in a very deep, and unspoken manner. Over the years the Lord has been healing me and drawing me out, calling me up into womanhood and into a place of walking as a daughter of the King. It's been a beautiful dance with Him, the whole way, tears and joy mingling together, a tender and bittersweet (but more sweet than bitter) song. I think for me the thing I regret the most is not knowing my mom as an adult. I'll always only know her through the eyes of a child. Knowing that she'll never be around to see me grow up saddens me, but I know that the Lord is taking care of her now just as He is taking care of me. You know, speaking of her death is still surreal to me sometimes. And honestly, when people try to show compassion or feel bad for bringing it up I don't know what to say. It has been almost 12 years and counting. The first six of those years I was shut off to emotion and tears. The latter six the Lord had me on the threshing floor. I find that the waves of grief that come are less intense and farther apart. I would lie to say that I never cry anymore, but I would also be lying if I said that I was not healed and doing well. The Lord is so good. He knows how to meet us in the darkest places and bind up the broken hearted. That song came on my itunes shuffle and led me to thinking about my mom... I like to hear that song and watch the clip from time to time just to remember how far the Lord has brought me.

Spring, or should I say pseudo-spring, has put a skip in my step. As I mentioned before, the weather has really been sinking into my bones and I feel it all throughout. I just wanna go sit in the sun. During my lunch break sometimes I find a bench and sit in the sun for no good reason other than to get my vitamin d and to enjoy the heat as it warms me and brands my skin pink. Back in March I remember feeling as if my humanness was being stripped as I became whiter and whiter. I was becoming ghostly, almost frightening to myself when I would see the undersides of my arms. On one particular day that the sun decided to show its face, I found a bench and I laid down at an angle so that the sun would grip my face. It was cold that day, so I curled up on the bench to keep warm, but I HAD to get some sun. Being in Korea I've felt a little like a vampire at times, hiding away in the warmth of my darkened room or the chains of the workplace. I'm so thankful that the days are longer. For a while the only sun I saw was in the morning on my walk to work because by the time I left it was dark. It's so wonderful to have an hour of sunlight after work...even if it's hidden behind buildings, at least it's still there. That's all that matters to me.

I've been reading up on North Korea and watching documentaries on youtube. Unbelievable. I think that one book I read tormented me a little. Eyes of the Tailless Animals. I can't unravel all my thoughts and feelings about what I am learning and what is going on in that forsaken land. So, I pray. Trying to divulge everything that has been going on in my heart and mind regarding that land would be futile because everything is so fuzzy and mingled with the bitterness of the situation and my emotions as well as a deepening compassion for the people in that land.

I think of my complaints in life and they pale in comparison to what other people are enduring even as I type this out. It puts me to shame and I have to buckle down and repent of my unthankfulness. We have so much to be thankful for.

I am filled with thoughts and things to write, but none of which really need to ever be voiced or heard. After having several nights of little sleep, I need to call it a night check out. I'm not sure when I'll have time again to spill leaky thoughts but hopefully I'll take up the discipline and joy of writing once again. I'm afraid that some of my precious moments in Korea have not been jotted down and may not ever be recovered in my memory. Alas, I must begin the memoirs even if it is in a very scatterbrained fashion.

present-future

2009-04-27T09:22:00.002-05:00

i found this quote as a draft from about a year ago...i never finished it or expounded on it.

i needed to read this quote again. of course, it's graham. i love his stuff.

"When God sees you in the future, He begins the process of relating to you now according to how He sees you in the future. ...God links the revelation He's giving you now to the personality He sees you becoming in the future. That's why it's so important that we produce a people that are present-future in their whole persona." --Graham Cooke

it's funny how God's timing works. now that it's been about a year and i've almost finished up my year contract, shy of a few months, i can look back and see how God has been relating to me in so many different and new ways. this has, by far, been a challenging but amazing year of growth and learning. i think that any time the Lord starts to relate to you in a different way it can be hard. i've been feeling around for the ground and not finding it. the sure-footedness (is that even a word?) that i had with the Lord before coming here suddenly became slippery as i stepped into a new season. it seems that he always does that so we may never become comfortable at our current place, spiritually. this uneasiness and slippery slope we are climbing causes us to lean into God even more. we must, or else we may fall. and the higher we go the further down the fall can be. thankfully we have a God of grace!

going deeper always comes with a cost. and it is a cost that we must count (as p. christian preached about this past Sunday). i am finding more and more that this cost will most certainly be painful, but when you do count the stars, it is so worth it. we must constantly remind ourselves of that, otherwise the dreams and visions that God has placed in our hearts can easily be overshadowed by fear.

as i have been praying for a greater vision, i find that fear has been at its utmost. fear of inadequacy. fear of failure. fear of not having the emotional stability for what God might call me to. fear of not hearing the correct call. etc. etc.

i must put these fears aside and refocus my eyes on Jesus. easier said than done. i have to enter that place of peace and rest, for that is where i will behold HIS promises. that is where I will hear HIM. that is where I will inherit all that He has for me. that is where I will be a blessing to others. in that secret place. in that place of rest and absolute contentment in the Lord.

processing all of this has been difficult and, even so, I am finding the whole of it a beautiful experience for me.

o, how He is worthy of trust. o, how He is worthy of confidence.

where else shall my confidence lie but in HIM? whenever i have fear or doubt i know that i have lost my ultimate trust in HIM. after all He has done for me, I wonder how I can so easily lose that trust. i must constantly go back to the cross. the origins of my salvation and new life. the origins of all the good that could ever come into me and through me. the origins of my freedom and a love that seems to seep through to your very DNA.

a season of flourishing coupled with isolation and yet not a desert. it has been the most interesting year of my walk with the Lord, by far. interesting in the sense that i was not on the threshing floor or in a comfortable place. interesting in the fact that in spite of the isolation God has had me flourish. a paradox of sorts. only he could conjure up.

i know that God has placed certain desires in my heart for a reason. shall i squander them out of fear? by His grace, I will not.

but am I willing to count the cost? this is the question that we must all face. it is neither comfortable or inviting. rather, it puts us in a place of stand still. a place where we must choose. a place where we must faithfully obey. faithfully march on. it tests our very being. it purges the realities of our heart. it gropes us in a way that we cannot bear unless we man-up and face it full force. it is not always pretty, but in the distance, the backdrop of stars we can neither count nor even fully imagine await us. hope.

better than hope. a promise. a promise from the best keeper of promises: the Lord Himself.

so, as graham says, we must be present-future people. march on in the identity that God is calling you to. march on in the call that He has summoned you to.

Selah.

The Road or the Whale?

2009-04-19T08:01:00.001-05:00

I received a poem from a friend in the ever-so-famous book that my friends back home gave me upon my departure for Korea, and it could not have come in a more timely manner. Joanna prayed over the days in which to put the pages and that they would bless me along my journey as I opened them up... 9 months in and each day that I open is still bringing blessing, revelation, and encouragement.

With that said, I've been thinking about "The Road Not Taken" and the tragedy of Jonah's reluctant heart. I don't want to be swallowed by a whale.

--------------------------

-----------
Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

1. The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 20

--------------------------------------------------
Jonah
1 The word of the LORD came to Jonah son of Amittai: 2 "Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me."

3 But Jonah ran away from the LORD and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the LORD.
...
15 Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. 16 At this the men greatly feared the LORD, and they offered a sacrifice to the LORD and made vows to him.

17 But the LORD provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights.
...
10 And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.
...
1 Then the word of the LORD came to Jonah a second time: 2 "Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you."

3 Jonah obeyed the word of the LORD and went to Nineveh.

-----------------------------------------------------

A song from this Psalm has been a comfort and great promise to me. "Twenty Three" by Enter the Worship Circle

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

---------------------------------------------------

When a stirring has begun in you, will you heed the call? or will you need God to send a whale?

New Faces, Old Joys

2009-03-04T08:58:00.002-06:00

They waddled in like helpless little ducks and then stood there staring at me with the most frightened look but one of hope--hope that I would some how make everything okay and help them. I stared back at them feeling just about as helpless as them. Deep breath. Give it a go.

I became an actress today, if I had never been one before. Demonstration is key when words cannot be understood.

Slowly we began to create some form of communication and they picked up words quickly--much more quickly than I remember Korean. I'm not sure who has to have more patience: the teacher or the students, as they wait for me to come up with a good way to communicate clearly.

A challenge this will be, but I know how rewarding it always is...

New faces surrounded me, little bodies, different voices, unfamiliar small people, new runny noses to wipe, and a fresh set of hands to hold. Smiles and smiles among the lost eyes. Thankfully the criers were not in my room. Though, some space cadets were present.

Forty-five minutes writing the letter 'A' definitely was a new way to stretch my mind, or perhaps dull my thoughts. There are only so many ways to try and formulate a method of teaching handwriting... I'm hoping that by the time we get to the letter 'Z' we will not need such time to accomplish this task.

I thought today, who's doing the learning? Certainly, I was.

After returning from special activities the kids had made cameras and wanted to take my picture, especially. The title of teacher automatically makes me famous in their eyes. How have I acquired this title anyhow? I have been given so much authority and influence... I think of the little ones that He has entrusted to me and I know that I must be surrendered to HIM.

The bell rang and suddenly I saw a familiar face pop up in the door window. Without thought, tears filled my eyes. My little baby from Kindie is now coming to my afternoon class all grown up. After meshing with strange kids, this little one made my heart jump.

I had to remember that at one point that little treasure was a stranger to me as well. One day these new faces will be dear, familiar loves that have written a smile and song on my heart.

All the trouble, frustration, and strain that sometimes accompany the call of teaching...at the end of the day...it's worth it when I remember the treasures that God has entrusted to me for a time.

The children filled the room and tears filled my eyes. My co-teacher had to leave otherwise we might have flooded the room with our tears. In the meantime, the kids cracked jokes and incessantly cried out, "teacher, teacher, teacher..." I will have five more months with these kiddos and I know that leaving them will be quite difficult.

And yet, another troop will come along. More smiles, laughter, tears, and memories of transformation and metamorphosis as children so quickly grow up right before your eyes.

i need a little more of Jesus in me.

2009-01-25T20:18:00.001-06:00

in Korea you can't avoid them. they walk up and down the subways and sit in the stairwells of the subway... in Dominican Republic it was even worse-- okay, way worse. the poverty there was completely heart-wrenching...and to think that just next door a country in even more devastating conditions, laying in ruins... then you hear about places in Africa or Romania, the Philippines, India... there is so much poverty. as well as spiritual dryness and poverty.

reading heidi baker's book is quite moving...i wonder, will it be enough to move me? what will it take for me to be the hands and feet of Jesus? to reach out to the poor like she does? we make all these excuses or we say that we will do it when ______. we get so busy...so busy.

God's heart is for the orphaned and the poor. He restores them.

As my friend Christy Vidrine says, "Anything with a soul will capture your attention if you look deep enough." i love this. I love to hear the stories of others. We all have them. good and bad. i want to know their story and share mine. to share Jesus.

yesterday a women, seeing that i was a foreigner, bent down with her face three inches from mine. my heart sank. i didn't know if i should cry, give her money, pray for her, or slap her. there was this tension. but i wanted to lay my hands on her and pray for her to be healed. the way Jesus did. the way Heidi Baker does. the way Bill Johnson does and Jackie Pullinger...and many others. our Spiritual fathers and mothers have shown us the ways of Jesus as they follow in His footsteps.

i desire to know that intimacy with Jesus. such an intimacy that He flows out of me and heals others. such an intimacy that my own life doesn't matter to me anymore. that i can completely die to myself and live totally surrendered for him.

i seem miles and miles from that place. and yet so close. just an outpouring of his spirit. greater discipline by his grace. stronger character by His molding. come, Lord.

day by day...being faithful...walking with him...trusting Him and believing His promises. already, He has proven so faithful in my life and I do have many, many testimonies to share. He IS "always enough" as Heidi says. but I want to know that even more. the way Patricia King knows. the way Paul knew.

despite the hardships, we shall rejoice. i want to be like Job, who after all was taken, he still cried, "blessed be your name!" the way that Mrs. Scheussler did when her son died. The way that many others are doing in India through the persecution.

i want to have compassion the way Jesus does. i want to take risks the way Keith and Sanna do. the way Norberto does. i want to step out, knowing that HE is enough. Christ is sufficient. i want to remain faithful like so many i know have.

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. is all you need. the Love of God through Jesus.

i want to know His love more, and in return, love more. as I have freely received i want to freely give. (matt 10:8) ...

i have such a long way to go. the dreams in my heart. the desires. i want to see HIS Kingdom come...I want to see more people come to Him with surrendered hearts.

i am messed up. diseased with sin. yes, i know this. that is why i need Jesus. so bad. by His grace He is changing me...it's a long road, but His presence is enough and He really does transform and heal.

i want to have a heart for all. i need more of Jesus and less of me. fill me, Lord. change me.

it seems there are too many. but there are never too many for Jesus. I'm amazed to know that Heidi and Rolland were helping to feed 12,000 after the floods in Mozambique. The disciples fed 5,000.

I desire to see people set free from their bondage. to be free to worship, to receive the love of Christ. the way that my friend Sharon Jaffe has experienced. and LuJean. and so many others i know.

most of all-- i want more of Jesus. the way Mary did as she sat at his feet.

-------------------------
come, as you are. and let the presence of Jesus change you. o how he loves.

------------------------

http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=NI78mF-DzKM

"Hookers and Robbers" Charlie Hall

Crack kids, track kids, hookers and robbers
The naked and hungry, mothers and fathers
Abuses, excuses, and guns in your hands
And I even welcome the arrogant man
I welcome you all to the biggest of feasts
A night of no shame
To pause and to breathe
This is a night of love's renovation
A feast I am sure that could change a whole nation

Me, I am not such an excellent host
I am one who forgives but needs it the most
I found the liar, the killer of hearts
And I ran away with a new way to start
I journeyed a road where a bright man appeared
He looked into me, and my eyes filled with tears
My breath fast and short and my heart burning deep
He gave me new eyes and a new way to see

So come as you are, as you are, as you are
So come as you are, as you are, as you are

I still defiled his great love ways
I felt such a famine when I ran away
I missed the presence, the voice like a song
I was nasty and dirty, I knew I was wrong
But he ran to me like a dream like a father
This love is not earthly this love must be other
He carried me home and threw me a party
A party so loud like the greatest love story
Oh my dear friend applaud now please
I've invited you heart to announce you are free
He takes your chains, busting you out of prison
Just open your heart, let your heart come and listen

Come as you are, as you are, as you are
Come as you are, as you are, as you are

Who could accept all your pounding and screaming
Your raging, your freaking, cussing, and beating
All while He holds you and always forgiving
This is the story of love and of living
Wipe off your tears and laugh just a little
Come break this bread, celebrate the Forgiver
Raise up a glass, a time to remember
Come break this bread, celebrate the Forgiver.

Come as you are, as you are, as you are
Come as you are, as you are, as you are
--------------------

http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=dHwC-TZPm08

"A Little More" Shawn McDonald

Just the other day went walking
Down to the corner and I saw a man
Sitting with a cup in his hand
Saying, "Hey won't you give me something
Won't you give me something to eat?"

I took a look into his eyes and
I saw he had a story to tell
But I walked away with my pockets full, full of change
And I said, "I got nothing for you"

It's time to confess that I need a little more
Jesus inside of me, Jesus inside of me
Don't you see, Jesus was homeless
Walking from city to city
Teaching people how to love
Giving them grace and mercy
Giving them grace and mercy

Now, Jesus was a friend to the friendless
Loving on all the outcasts
Teaching them that there was more
More than what they're living for
More than what they're living for

Don't you see, if you do not learn love
Then you will be completely nothing
You could be absolutely amazing
But you would be nothing

---------------------
this is how i feel sometimes...but then i remember that Jesus sees them all. He is enough. and He is the one who gives me compassion. he is the one who will reach out as i say yes to HIM.

http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=lHBWgC8Xm2s

"The Junkie Song" The Be Good Tanyas

Took a walk in my neighborhood
At 2 in the mornin by the skytrain station
The streets were full of junkies and homeless
And they all wanted somethin
They all wanted somethin

What am I supposed to do?
There are too many of you
too many of you
Yet sometimes I look you in the eye
and say that I too am human
I could easily be you

You know we all hover between apathy and compassion
We fill up all our days with so much distraction
It makes it easier not to see what we dont want to
But we all live here
We all live here
We all live lonely

Took a walk in my neighborhood
At 2 in the mornin by the sky train station
The streets were full of junkies and homeless
And they all wanted somethin
They all wanted somethin

What am I supposed to do?
There are too many of you
too many of you
Yet sometimes I look you in the eye
and say that I too am human

I could easily be you
I could easily be you
I could easily be you
------------------

Korea's Intimacy

2008-12-22T09:44:00.002-06:00

She leaned into me with no shame, forbearance, or consideration. Merely, an understood grace and affection extended from both parties surrounding the situation could apply. After being squeezed into the subway train like toothpaste being thrust out of a tube, expecting personal space did not even come as a passing thought.

The vibrations of her voice meshed into my back and seemed to tickle my spine, penetrating to even my chest cavity--an intimacy felt that only should come with my lover. I suppose, that intimacy with an unknown Korean woman on the subway for half an hour lent me a greater appreciation for the wide open spaces of Texas. And yet, a fondness of such intimacy among a culture invaded me with sweetness as I encountered her every breath. Humanity. Life.

Only a smile could rest on my face, knowing that she contained a story—one kept inside her heart. The language barrier kept me silenced, but I wondered about her life.

She carried on in conversation, all the while leaning into me. As we parted ways, I felt the affection and pressure from her body lift. The impression she left was more than that of momentary warmth, but I sensed that as she had leaned into me with intimacy, so had Korea herself. The mark of this land has begun to write a love on my heart. As she presses in, I lean too, allowing the beauty of a land to touch me, penetrating even to my heart.

--------------------------

The city became hushed tonight. White powder fell from the sky and blanketed the land. Treading ground where so many pass, somehow I had the privilege of being the first to step foot on the white laden path. I felt honored, and yet, as if I was violating something precious—a freshly, untouched powdered sidewalk. I stepped lightly, making my way down the path. Peace. Serenity. Now all I needed was a sky full of stars.

I’ve dreamed of living where it snows. Now I know. And, it is all I thought it would be. I couldn’t help but wonder what it’d be like to be away from the city. Thankful for the white carpet which absorbed the noise of the city, I ventured off to enjoy the night with my Creator. His beauty invaded late into the night as He gently sprinkled snow over Korea.

Serious Art

2008-12-01T04:46:00.000-06:00

A great book: Dreaming With God
by: Bill Johnson

http://books.google.co.kr/books?id=BhkntN4T-sQC&dq=dreaming+with+god+bill+johnson&printsec=frontcover&source=bl&ots=Kr-SE3PlFN&sig=5NsjLdeBsvTvofq7HANqAuMN8KQ&hl=ko&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=3&ct=result#PPA46,M1

--------------------------

Thanks, Swink, for sharing this article! As Swink said, this is really long-- but well worth it.

---------------------------------

Christians & Serious Art

by R. Wesley Hurd

It should not surprise us that people make and enjoy art of all kinds. After all, our Creator built artful souls and sensibilities into the creatures He made in His image, and, therefore, understanding and liking art in some form is normal for us all. For most people, however, art is limited to decorating their homes and gardens, enjoying music or a good read, or occasionally taking in a serious movie. These common human experiences do not typically lead us to consider ourselves dedicated patrons of the arts; rather, we see our experience and enjoyment of this art as a normal opportunity for personal enrichment or entertainment.

Another kind of involvement in the arts, however, takes us into the world of serious art—art made to portray or explore our biggest ideas, concerns, questions, and visions. Although cultivating a beautiful rose garden can be an amazing work of art for me, my family, and my neighborhood, that artful expression differs from making a painting, a film, a play script, or a piece of music that explores dimensions of human identity and meaning.

Serious art ("fine" or "high" art) is created for the purpose of putting profound ideas, thoughts, and feelings into intelligent and striking forms. It is created to make philosophical statements about the meaning and condition of being human. Even though works of serious art may be playful, comedic, or satirical—that is, creatively produced to explore big questions in humorous or even slapstick ways—yet the creator's motivation remains serious; he or she uses the peculiar power of art to say something vital and important to others. Serious art, then, is message laden.

Challenges for artists

Serious art is about ideas, but it is equally about the quality and integrity of its making. Fine art is finely crafted. Artists who wish to make fine art cannot avoid committing themselves to developing and maturing their craft, which requires years of difficult, focused, and sacrificial effort.

Serious art forms do not appear from nowhere. Each art form or medium has developed within a historical context, which involves a "conversation" among artists within each field. Theater, visual arts, literature, poetry, music, dance, and even modern filmmaking, have histories, traditions, genres, and diverse stylistic approaches with which a serious artmaker must become familiar and attempt to master. Fine artists—just like engineers, scientists, physicians, or other specialists—must commit themselves to learning their profession, to pursuing an education that helps them understand the history of their art form, that lets them practice their craft and technique, and that gives them opportunities for invaluable critique from peers and the more mature artists with whom they study.

Along with committing themselves to education and training in craft, artists who pursue making serious art must also commit themselves to setting aside commercial success as the primary goal of their artmaking. All artists want their work to be experienced by others. Art is made to be seen, heard, or somehow experienced by an audience. But art whose purpose is to delve into the existential meanings of man cannot be created when the maker's primary motivation centers on selling the work. Fine artists, of course, desire to make a living from their work, but they understand the often intangible, constricting influence the commercial market can have on the nature of their art. Artists, students, and patrons of serious art accept this reality.

Making good art is extremely difficult. The aim of making serious art demands the artmaker's highest effort of thought, creativity, and craft, and because this is true, many of the artist's individual works fail to achieve the lofty standards of fine art. The full force of this fact often hits the artist only after years of education and training. Thus, taking on the vocation of artmaker, especially given its financial risks, can be an overwhelmingly intimidating venture.

In addition, though popular arts—rock and pop music and cinema, especially—thrive with wide, often knowledgeable and appreciative audiences, other art forms—poetry, classical music, jazz (the non-smooth variety), and many contemporary visual art forms—enjoy no such widespread popularity. No fame and fortune awaits the overwhelming majority of those pursuing careers in fine art. The artist inevitably agonizes over the question, "Why bother?"

Challenges for Christian artists

For those who understand and believe the biblical gospel, the pursuit of making serious art involves an additional set of difficulties. They face all the above challenges, along with some unique to Christian artists. And although there are no easy answers to these challenges, every believing artist committed to involvement in serious art must deal with them.

Defining faith. Many Christians struggle today with the basic question, "What is Christian faith?" Christians in the arts are no different. Christian artists own a special form of this struggle because they desire their art to reflect, at some level and in ways only art can, a vision of life and being human that is grounded in their faith. They must, therefore, know their faith and how it addresses the big issues of life; their faith in Christ should provide a distinct perspective on the human condition. Unfortunately, given the state of Christianity today, there is great confusion and debate over how to define Christian. Some "Christianities" tell us that God has promised us spiritual perfection in this life. Some tell us that Christian faith is about abundant material blessings, that it is positive thinking, or that it differs very little from Buddhist "consciousness." At the heart of this confusion lies the question of authority. Who or what sources shall act as our final authority in deciding what is authentic Christian faith?

Understanding calling. Many Christians understand and accept the notion of being gifted and called to a vocation through which they may work for God's purposes in this world and thus serve His Kingdom. They believe God can call someone to serve Him in business, medicine, counseling, or any number of other vocations. Artists, however, struggle with the notion of calling for several reasons. First, the church has very seldom, if ever, encouraged believers to callings in the arts, except those few arts—music, for example—employed in worship and fellowship. Second, identifying art with worldliness, many Christians think the art world is not safe for believers, who should not, therefore, be encouraged to enter it. Third, making a living while pursuing art is very difficult, if not impossible. For all these reasons, committing oneself to an art vocation doesn't seem to make "sanctified sense." How, then, can we know that God is leading someone toward a life in the arts? This important question is not easily answered for many young Christian artists.

Enduring misunderstanding. I dare not guess how many young artists have faced this intimidating question from well-meaning fellow Christians: "Why don't you get a real job?" While this question may arise out of sincere concern for the financial future and well being of the artist, it often betrays a deeper belief that working in art is a waste of good time. Art is impractical, a peripheral activity for eccentric, "not-normal" individuals who simply don't fit into the main, commonsense stream of life. Many Christians, including those in recognized Christian vocations, struggle to understand how artists can dedicate themselves so energetically to something that doesn't guarantee an income, that seems so esoteric and non-applicable to "normal" Christian work and life, and that requires involvement in a secular, often hostile art world so clearly dominated by non-Christian beliefs and values.

Confronting truth. The Christian artist faces a final challenge—ultimately the most important. Will the Christian artist, like any other believer, submit his life, and therefore his artmaking, to the vital, deeply personal issues confronting him in his relationship to God? Will he commit himself to making art that flows out of his struggle to make his faith in Christ the controlling vision of his life? Believers in every arena of human work and life—from business, science, and education to marriage, homemaking, and child-rearing—are continually confronted with God's call to embrace the gospel of Christ rather than a self-driven and worldly vision of life. In a world that constantly intimidates and seduces them to unbelief, all true believers—no matter what their gifts, vocations, opportunities, and callings—struggle mightily to believe and to continue to believe. From the biggest decisions to the smallest choices, God calls us to have spiritual character, which will inevitably confront every arena of thought and work in which we are immersed. In this respect, the Christian artist's calling, while it differs greatly from his secular counterpart, differs not at all from his fellow believer's. The Christian artist must confront what truly motivates him and therefore drives his art into existence and form. He must confront his spiritual condition: is his heart open to the truth God brings, and does his artmaking reflect this?

In conclusion

Humans inevitably engage in two kinds of work: the work they do for utilitarian purposes and the work they do to determine who they are and what they mean. When our utilitarian work has secured the necessities of life—sustenance, shelter, and safety—we turn to leisurely activities and "liberal" arts. The leisure of liberal arts is not merely for relaxation or entertainment, though that kind of leisure is valid. Ultimately, the most important of man's leisurely activities involves time given to exploring the meaning of his existence—his deepest identity and purpose. These activities are meaningful or practical not in a utilitarian way, but because they embody the human quest for an enduring definition of life in the cosmos.

Man's quest to understand what is real and valuable can occur in many ways—from the inquiry of scientific method to philosophical and theological reflection (not just the academic kind). As scientists and theologians record their thought processes and conclusions, so do artists communicate their explorations and discoveries. Serious artists do not so much aim at presenting copies of the world they explore. Rather, they attempt to make known—in speech, sound, movement, color, and physical materials—essential and deeply felt conclusions as they appear to them. Serious art articulates the deepest precincts of the human soul and how it perceives the world.

Art is not apologetics. Art is not evangelism. Art is not preaching the Scriptures. Writer and scholar George Steiner argues, however, that it is within art forms—visual, textual, auditory—that imago dei (image of God) attempts to articulate in lucid intensity and special language its encounter with fallen creation and the mysteries of existence. In this, serious art "distinguishes itself from the trivial and the opportunistic" (Real Presences, p.139).

The created "inner wiring" of some among us in the body of Christ calls them to make serious art. Why, then, would we not desire them to make it? Serious art made by serious Christians makes a valid and important contribution to the church's presence in this yet unredeemed world.

Aaron Swink's commentary on above article:
I wish I could articulate my thoughts as well as Mr Hurd but I will say that it's too bad there are not more voices saying this kind of thing. One would think that as those who's spirits are being "made alive day by day" and who are aware and even experience tangibly the supernatural, we would be more apt to create "serious" art, art that really attempts to plumb the depths of what it means to be a body-spirit hybrid. However, when I think of Christian art, I think of Precious Moments and Thomas Kinkade, not something that really explores new territory. I think a lot of Christians are afraid of art because when they think of "art" they think of a bunch of beret waring, french speaking, atheists making statues of the Virgin Mary out of piles of excrement. And if your only source for art news is what is reported on cable news, that is all you would hear about but the fact is, there are still many artists trying to explore the human condition in a meaningful and novel way. So I guess if you guys will allow me to get on a soapbox for a moment, if you feel that you have a gift for art, or rather, a gift for expression, then don't hide it under a bushel, let it shine! Even if some people think it is dumb or weird or worthless, or "artsy fartsy", just keep on expressing that inner life through what ever medium you can.

Peace and Love unto the brethren and sistren

Word

seasons change

2008-11-17T10:34:00.003-06:00

some haikus for fun...

cold toes and red nose
mixed colors mingle with love
fall begins to fade

cozy among friends
hot tea warms me from inside
smiles beam radiance

echoes of Fall remain
laughter drifts into gray skies
crisp air speeds my steps

long silence, chilled air
content. coffee with my Lord.
peace. restoration.

a Psalm or two, praise
the hand that creates, restores
stand in grace, selah

winter beckons rest
shelter from the cold, hide away
in His arms of love

my Lover calls me
from afar He sings to me
yet a whisper, near

i will not hide, no
draw me out, though it is cold
Your love blankets me

in a land, far off
away from home as it is,
passing through this world

foreign, familiar
both alike, my soul decides
in Him, rest secure

snow laden mountains
o gaze of Love, melt my pride
wrap me in your grace

Creator, my Lord
how your hand painted every stroke
woven colors stream

rays of sun streak down
upon land; cries for healing
anoint with Your oil

cascades of winter
mountains, barren trees, gray skies
snow blankets, white grace

though the seasons change
the memories and friendships
their love never dies

together we'll be
one glorious day, indeed
singing praises, High!

greater purposes
we serve, living for Him, oh
and Living truly

press onward, we will
moving forward with our God
His Kingdom comes forth

like the seasons, too,
shall we all change and transform
live, hand in His hand

kingdom approaching
his Love kindles our fire so
steadfast and faithful

clay in the potter's hands

2008-11-13T06:24:00.001-06:00

His footsteps lightly step into my room, a soft pattering as to keep me from hearing. I hear anyway. I look up to see him peeking behind the door, hiding with a big grin that can barley hold back his laughter. Who's there? I pretend not to see him. He smiles bigger. I can't help but light up inside.

The joys of children make you smile from the inside until you can't contain it any longer.

Working with children, I am continually being shaped and molded as a person. They require consistency. They require fairness. They require discipline. They require you to be selfless. They challenge your motives. They challenge your patience. They need your love. They need boundaries. They take your energy.

And yet, they give you laughter. They give you that hug you needed. They forgive quickly. They are resilient. They teach you about the ways of justice while having an uncanny grace about them.

I might be teaching my children, but they are teaching me so much in return.

My heart smiles as I think of their faces, their laughter, their jokes, their concern for me, their demanding nature, their youth and childlike perspective on life.

On the days that they stretch me, I remember that I am being molded. I am clay in the potter's hands. My children are just doing their job. They're testing me and shaping me. They are grace-growers in my life. They are teaching me so much about my Lord and his love.

Am I doing my job? Am I loving them? When I have struggled, the Lord has asked me, "What have you done for my __(name)__?" Humbled, I remember that I have been given the responsibility to shepherd these little ones and to look after them-- to care for them and love them with His love. They have been entrusted to me for a time. Am I doing my part? With this, I am humbled and know that only in Him can I do anything. Only in Him can I love these little ones and care for them and teach them.

His grace and love are sufficient. Every day is a day of grace. Grace to enjoy the day and grace to endure a day, depending.

Their little eyes look at me, waiting to be dismissed for the day. With every bit of self-control they have at this age, they stand still and squirm on occasion. High fives for some, while others hit my hand with their heads, and others hit my hand so hard it turns red. Either way, they all smile and laugh as they go. Then the littlest one comes back just for one last look in the classroom and chuckles. With that, I know in my heart, I love these kids.

foundations

2008-11-01T01:47:00.001-05:00

As I took out my flute today and realized that it's been two months since I've touched it, I grieved a little in my heart. I began playing and sure enough, an airy sound came out--one that was not refined, out of practice, and probably out of tune because of the poor tone quality.

It's been years since I've been in the discipline of practicing everyday. If for no other reason (probably the only reason), I miss High School is for the music...the time I had to spend playing my flute and expressing myself without words. My senior year, especially, I gave hours and hours to playing. Starting with an hour warm-up and playing on for three more hours just about everyday. I look back and can't believe I was that disciplined. But the thing that was so vital to my playing was that I needed to do a warm-up everyday--a warm-up with the foundations of playing: long tones, breathing exercises, tonguing exercises, rhythm, harmonics, vibrato, etc.,etc.

Anyway, I was thinking on our relationship with God and how you can parallel it to music. In your walk with God you must remain in the foundations of your faith. You cannot just stop praying everyday because "you've arrived" or become mature or something. Rather, a sign of maturity is that you remain disciplined in the foundational things of your faith. Just as in playing-- good musicians do warm-ups and don't forget the importance of practicing fundamental things like long tones.

In our walk with the Lord, we mustn't forget the importance of daily meeting with the Lord, reading His Word, memorizing scripture, praying, fasting, and such. Just because we've read the Bible through once doesn't mean that we know it, nor does it mean that you can read it at your leisure now. Man does not live by bread alone, but from every word that comes from the mouth of God. (matt 4:4) As we go deeper with God and His Word He brings greater revelation...God uses the Word to guide us, convict us, teach us...as for prayer, why would we move forward in anything without it being backed by God?

It is so easy to lose your tone quality when playing a wind instrument. At first you stop playing long tones, then you slack off a little and quit playing everyday. Then you get like me and play every few months. You become out of practice and your sound will tell everyone. Your fingers lose their agility and you become out of breath more quickly. When you are walking with God and start to let your relationship slip, you can feel it, see it, and manifest it. As you slowly let little habits form-- not reading everyday, not praying, watching TV instead of seeking God, etc. then soon enough you find yourself in a very low place spiritually.

Not to have a religious spirit over us, but we do need to have the spiritual disciplines. After all, one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control. I think that self-control enables us to prioritize and to do the things that will feed our spirit and not our flesh or carnality.

Something that I've been trying to understand more is how to submit my soul (mind, will, emotions) to my spirit man. This has been very challenging and yet so rewarding. We must go deeper with the Lord by allowing our spirit to commune with His spirit and submitting our soul to that communion. We do it sometimes but to live that way all the time--that's the challenge. But God is good and He teaches us with great patience.
http://www.brilliantbookhouse.com/index.php?SESe4=SE4HDMTc1YThhYTNW6e5tipg2r3wfwFZgI0U9NgEIjUYaXtyL0TI__2pl__qRn5nad64ZS__3sl__bQQlaBNQU2dCH__3sl__E__1eq__SE4FT

The great thing about the holy spirit is that he gives us joy in the disciplines. He gives us a freshness for the Word, a spirit of prayer, a spirit of worship, a joy that becomes our strength. If we do things on our own then it is wearing and we easily give up. Without the power of the Holy Spirit, our prayers fade fast, our worship wanes, and we soon lose interest. But the holy spirit ignites us. He puts a fire deep in us. We need to be filled more and more with God's Holy Spirit.

We need to co-labor with God and use our talents for the Kingdom. Just because you're not in full-time ministry does not mean that you aren't in the ministry. If you are a follower of Jesus then you are called no matter where you are. Whether you're an economist, a musician, a teacher, an engineer, a park ranger....God will use you. God gave you specific talents and passions and skills for a reason. I've often heard, "The glory of God is man fully alive." May God's glory be manifested in our lives-- in everything that we do. Surrender it all to Him. This book had some great insight...
http://www.ibethel.org/store/p280/DreamingWithGodBook/product_info.html

More of YOU; less of me.

So, if you find yourself slipping in your time with the Lord...get back to the foundations. Otherwise, you'll end up with a stale faith.

And if you're spiritually doing well but have allowed your talents to be buried, then start digging 'em back up and using them for the Lord. Get back to the foundations. Start painting again. Start writing again. Start singing again. Start dancing again. Start playing music again. Begin doing whatever it is that you've put on the shelf.

...and start with the foundations.

releasing a debt owed to you

2008-10-25T01:29:00.008-05:00

I'm learning to forgive those I never knew. Forgiveness is about recognizing a debt that someone owes you and then releasing that person from the debt they owe you. It's a choice.

A lot of times we believe that by forgiving we will invalidate our own hurt or make a statement that says, "What you did was okay," when in fact that is not what forgiveness says at all. Forgiveness, on the contrary, acknowledges the debt owed to you and then it extends grace and releases that person from the bondage of guilt and shame as it cancels out the debt. Forgiveness reconciles. After all, Jesus' ministry is that of reconciliation. 1 Corinthians 5: 18-19All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. and he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

Often times it is easier to recognize your unforgiveness when someone has openly hurt you and/or offended you. However, there are instances, such as the one I am currently experiencing, where the offense was not fully known or acknowledged by me. God is big on forgiveness and releasing people into their destinies. I mean, He did send His son to take our place so that we could be ushered into His presence-- despite the sins. While we were still sinners Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)

God recognizes all debt that is owed. He also brings it forth as he restores you. He reconciles you to Himself as well as others. In the meantime, things that have been done you by others and vise versa, will surface-- even if you were not fully aware of them. God brings opportunity for forgiveness and grace to be extended for both parties involved. You have to remember that God is at work in that person's life as well. We are all on this journey. God is restoring all of creation. That includes the person who offended you.

Someone tells you that Johnny owes you $100 but you were unaware of it completely; he chose to never give you the money. This is a debt that you will have to forgive him for. Had no one brought it to your attention, you would never have recognized the need to forgive.

The situation I'm in is too personal to share, but I am in a place to forgive someone in which I had never truly acknowledged the debt this person owed me (like the above example). God has surfaced this and I am releasing forgiveness. In the spiritual realm this has great implications on this person's life as well as my own.

We forgive because he forgave us. In Christ, there is nothing owed to me. He has given me everything.

As we forgive, it allows others to be released and to step into their destiny with Christ. As we are forgiven, it releases us from shame and guilt. We have a God who forgives our wickedness and remembers our sins no more (jeremiah 31:34) We should forgive in the way he forgives.

Forgiveness also heals. Someone once said, "Bitterness is like swollowing poison and hoping the other person dies." Why would you ever do that? But we do all the time in our hearts when we don't release others from the debt they owe us. Even if the person never apologizes, we must forgive. You keep yourself in bondage by not forgiving. You give a foothold to the devil. Ephesians 4: 26-27 26"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold." By releasing the other person you also purge yourself of whatever poison had been in your heart. God heals your heart. On the other end, not enough can be said about the power of knowing you are forgiven. What healing that brings!

We must let go of our offenses. When you carry offenses it's like you are carrying a 2 by 4 across your shoulders. You are not only hurting yourself by carrying an offense but you are hurting others as you run into them! Carrying that offense keeps you from going through doorways. You are constanly running into things and you begin to push others away from you. You can't move forward in life or in what God is calling you to do. You are in bondage to your own unforgiveness. (kudos to Graham Cooke for this analogy...but the holy spirit gave him that image! woo)

Something to realize as well: anger usually covers up a deeper feeling-- one of hurt. Not until you can get past the anger will you see the wounds. And then you can begin to let Jesus heal the wounds and forgive others. Let God strip the anger. Give it to Him. You will be surprised at how much hurt is underneath there. I know I was when I first began my road of healing five years ago.

We must be a people who forgive. We must be a people who extend grace. Offenses are going to come. Hurt is going to come. People are going to do things to you that will beckon the need for forgiveness. Whether these things will happen is not the concern. The concern is: what will you do when they come? Will you forgive? I hope and pray that I will! I need so much grace! My little heart of justice runs me amock sometimes! But I have to remember, vengeance is God's. And right now, we are in a season of grace. Extend the hand of Jesus. He offers grace in order that it would be received.

(**kudos to Beth, LuJean, and Neva for their godly wisdom and advice. you are truly, spiritual mothers! thanks!)

Lilacs in Bloom

2008-10-25T01:05:00.003-05:00

my old xanga account had this title "lilacs in bloom, the sweetness of knowing HIM"... when i had switched to blogger i had "fading embers glimmer beneath"... both of which i like. however, i think that lilacs in bloom contains more life. fading embers that still glimmer remind me of someone who is holding on to whatever hope and faith they can muster up. we are a people called to live by faith, and faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see (heb. 11:1). i prefer to be a lilac in bloom that is radiating the sweetness of my Jesus. Those in Christ should be blooming with love. we love because he first loved us (1 john 4:19). i pray to be that lilac and not a fading ember.

however, i do know where i come from and i know that i was an ember that had faded to almost nothing. when Jesus rescued me i was an ember on the brink of going out and not being revived. Jesus loves. Jesus rescues. Jesus saves.

when we are a fading ember we must fix our eyes on Jesus because he is the author and perfector of our faith. He is the one who will redeem. He is the only one who can breath life back into you. His Word and very breath gives you life and kindles the fire. He's the one who keeps your lamp burning at night. when i first tasted of Jesus, life began to come back in my bones immediately; life bagan to consume me and my hunger for truth, God, and love could not be satiated, save through my resting in HIM.

when you realize how broken you are and turn to HIM, he meets with you.

are you a fading ember? have you sought out the healing power of Jesus? have you come to the cross with your sin and burdens? praise be the Lord, to God our savior who daily bears our burdens! ps. 68:19 have you wrestled with the Lord through your questions and your pain?

we are made for eternity and we will experience an eternal death outside of the blood of Jesus. if you reject God now, you reject Him for eternity. because those who reject Jesus also reject the Father. we never know when our last breath will be. God is the author of history. he has ordained the beginning from the end.

we must get right with God. He has a destiny for you.

your submission to Him will ultimately bring you freedom.

fire will be restored in your heart and you will be a lilac in bloom. Lord, may we never stray from you. May we never let the embers die, but may the fire be tended to and the embers turned into flames. May our desire for you be a passion that cannot be shut up in our bones. May we radiate your frangrance of life and love, grace and mercy. Thank you for this season of grace, Lord. We should be more grateful. We are so undeserving and yet you still loved us. Selah.

they overcame

2008-09-26T22:49:00.002-05:00

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony." Revelation 12:11a

I love the depth that the Lord brings in your life... and the commonalities you now share with any sister or brother simply by your walk with Jesus. I found myself being filled with encouragement today as we shared the inner workings of God in our lives--both in the past and today.

I love seeing how God has moved in someone's life-- aspects of God that He has revealed to and through that person. It is so incredibly beautiful. Absolutely breath-taking.

Today resembled one of those movies where you walk in and out of a story being told as the past becomes interrupted by present happenings. I think of Fried Green Tomatoes or Forest Gump... We walked and talked, then the story would be paused for a stop at Buy the Way for a snack and then we'd resume. Once again, interrupted to buy a ticket for the subway and back to chatting again-- right at the depth we had left off at.

Intent on the story being unwrapped, a beautiful package of the Lord's working through the years... we laughed as an older man tried to sell us men's socks... then back to the story... shwarmas...talking over ice-cream...sitting on a bench outside for an hour... we made our way through Seoul today, looking around and all the while sharing our hearts-- sharing what Jesus has done in our lives...proclaiming the testimony of Jesus in our lives.

Weaving in and out, we talked and shared. God is good. We have been blessed to be a blessing... to share the freedom that we've received.

...Maybe we'll have some mint tea tonight and talk some more. :)

What is God doing in your life today? What is your testimony today? If you have a testimony from your past but not for today, receive a fresh breath... Who is Jesus to you? Our testimony in Jesus is powerful. This is the most important thing in life-- the revelation of who Jesus Christ is and what He has done for you. Do you know Him? Have you spoken with Him today?

Walking Out Freedom, Day by Day

2008-09-26T22:49:00.001-05:00

Once you've received freedom, there is a very real aspect of walking it out. If you have your eyesight given back to you, you're not going to keep your eyes shut. If you've been given the ability to walk, you're not going to stay bound to a wheel chair. You have to take the inititative to walk out the new found healing and freedom.

This goes for emotional and inner healing as well.

Those first steps may be scary. They may be hard and even have some seeming failures, but you have to stumble a little to gain strength back in those muscles that haven't been used in so long or in some cases, never. As God uproots insecurities and delivers inner healing accompanied with truth, you must walk it out in circumstances that will challenge this freedom. If He's delivered you from lies and hurts and pain, you must take a step of faith and walk out that freedom. This is by no means easy; however, it is essential.

Since I've been in Korea I have been experiencing this challenge-- being stretched to walk out the freedom God has given me. God has been placing me in situations and circumstances that require me to depend solely on Him and to call on His name in the freedom that He has given me. In times that the enemy brings back the lies, I have to continually renew my mind and hold fast to the truth and the healing that I've received.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

If the Lord has delivered you from something, don't go back to that bondage; rather, walk out your freedom. Let God challenge and continually change you. Allow God to renew you day by day. God is always taking us into greater places of freedom. Stay hungry for the King and remember your dependence on Him. Take His hand and begin walking out your freedom. We have to learn how to walk again or walk for the first time.... think of how a baby learns to walk. Eventually mommy and daddy let go and tell him to come to them. God will do that. "You've got this. You can do it. Look at you go!" He'll cheer for you! He'll never leave you but He will challenge you and ask you to get out of the boat. All He needs is faith the size of a mustard seed and He can move mountains through you.

Take hold of your healing and freedom...and begin to walk it out. Though it may be hard and scary...it is so worth it! "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

"Without Superpowers There is No Hope"

2008-09-10T06:54:00.002-05:00

I finished checking my students' weekend journals...I had given them the topic: If you could have a super power what would it be?

I've found that whenever I ask kids this question, they all tend to have a similar idea of what they would want to do...at least my students back in the States and here in Korea.

After grading all nine of their entries, I found a common theme: they all desired to have a super power that would some how benefit the world and get rid of all the bad people and make it a better place to live. I love to hear their hearts on this issue of good and bad. God has placed it on our hearts and given us an awareness of good and evil. Things of God and things against God. He has written it on our hearts.

This world continues to get darker and darker but it's amazing to see what God is doing world wide. It is time for God's people to really stand up and speak out His name and claim His goodness... to advance His Kingdom.

The last paper I checked summed it up in the final line, "Without superpowers, there is no hope." We need the power of God. We need to be walking with Jesus and rely on His power alone. That is the only way we will see transformation.

some treasures and challenges

2008-09-09T08:23:00.001-05:00

"You cannot discover who you are by yourself-- it has to be in the context of serving people. It's the only way because by nature, you're identity of who you are in God is connected to how you manifest Him in certain people around you." --Bill Johnson

-----------------

recently been challenged by this, especially as I pray for God to root me...

Jackie Pullinger lived in the Walled City of Hong Kong for about 20 years, reaching out to heroin addicts and prostitutes. She saw many come to Christ and be delivered from heroin through prayer with little or no symptoms of withdrawal... here in her book, Chasing the Dragon, she is referring to the blessings she received from her long term commitment versus the short term visits from others:

// So we were present at one of those times in history when the past blares, intruding the present, and I am in them both. I often tell visiting missions teams of this phenomenon. It is fashionable nowadays to visit Asia, China, and the poor for a few days, weeks, or months and call it outreach. Over the years we have had hundreds of short-termers who want to get the picture immediately-- if possible, on video-- so they can show it to their home church and have an inspired evening. I have begged them to love the people and stay like Sai Di did for me 30 years ago. the disadvantage of short term missions is a wrong perspective based on this generation's need for instant results.

...the remarkable fact that after so long we still see most addicts who come to us believe in Jesus, pray in tongues, and detoxify from drugs painlessly does not obscure the fact that they need a changed mind. So the voyeurs leave. They have their video clips, but they never saw. It was either all too good or all too bad, and neither was accurate. We love our people whether they turn out well or not, and the successes do not vindicate our ministry nor do the disappointments nullify it. What is important is whether we have loved in a real way-- not preached in a n impassioned way from the pulpit.

...If God meant a child to grow slowly and safely in a loving family for up to 18 years, why should we be angry at those who do not change at our pace for the sake of statistics, furlough or sadly for some, funding?

...people I had spent time with so long before never forgot, even though we lost each other for a while. Suddenly, someone from the past would reappear again, and it would turn out that he had not killed the memory of a love that was so extraordianry that the giver spent Himself in giving until He died. So we have been the delighted, sobbing representatives of the Father whoese prodigal son crawled or rushed home after all. Our summer missionaries did not stay to see this, although we hoped they might yearn for it somehow. Stay for the party. The fleeting volunteer sometimes catches a course-- sweet and sour-- but no one savors the whole menu like me. 'Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink,' said the master of the banquet when He called the bridegroom aside, 'but you have saved the best till now.'

...and they expected me to do it all. And so much of the rest of the church was engaged in discovering their giftings rather than giving. //

a Girl's Dream

2008-09-09T07:29:00.004-05:00

Let Him peel back the walls and unravel the deepest desires of your heart...

"Dad, when I grow up, I'm going to build two big mansions with heart windows. One is going to be for all my friends and family to live in, and the other one is going to be for the biggest McDonald's playground EEVVer."

Just a little girl sharing her heart's desires and yet, she spoke with great conviction. I remembered this desire of mine a few days ago and longed for this simple but impossible dream once again. Passing through this life, making our mark, representing God or something else, we leave impressions on those we bump into along the way. I think that this desire is still just as strong in me as when I was a child-- this desire to have everyone I love around me (and of course the huge maze of tunnels and slides!).

I think of the places that my feet have tread, the friendships I have made, the acquaintances I’ve passed, the faces I longed to know more intimately, the kindred souls I connected with upon meeting, the sweet memories of all those souls I have encountered, the hearts I dreamed of touching, the hearts that moved me, the bitter and the sweet moments-- every part that has been intricately woven.

I thought of how much I long for Eden and the presence of the Lord-- the new heaven and earth, the face of the Lord.

I look at this world and the people in it, and I realize that any beauty I see is from God. Any grace, any peace, any joy, any faithfulness, any kindness, anything good, any radiance, any glory-- it is all the mark of our Creator. He manifests through His creation.

Thinking over the faces and hearts I've known, a sweetness settles in as I experience them all over again. Every soul I have bumped into has some how impacted me in a way that has drawn me closer to God-- revealing the nature of God—eventually drawing me into His love.

I think of the grace people have extended...the joy people have shared with me... the tears people have wept with me and for me... the overwhelming love I've received... the forgiveness I've been given... the servant's heart--the way someone has cared for me... a stranger's smile and kind gesture... an intimate's embrace... a deep, rolling laugh that makes you sore the next day... the extension of a hand... the playfulness... the discipline and rebuke... those who have lead me, carried me, followed me, walked with me... the ones who have known the details of who I am... the ones who cared about my passing thoughts... the ones who understood me through and through...

All of these people have some how revealed a part of God to me that I needed to experience and understand at a heart’s level.

As I walk more with the Lord, His kindness throughout my life becomes more and more apparent-- so much so that I am humbled to my knees—having a glimpse of just how kind He truly has been-- even as I am so undeserving. He is the kindest I know.

As we are here for a purpose, we need to be fully alive at all times...no matter where the Lord places us and no matter for how long we will be there. We never know what the Lord has in store and who we are supposed to meet. From a simple bus ride to a month stay, to years of commitment somewhere…God always has something in store. Just keep your eyes and heart open.

I think on people and places with fondness, but I also understand that the Kingdom is coming forcefully and we must be moving forward with God. His joy sustains. His purposes prevail. His love overwhelms. His glory reigns. This is what carries me onward. This is what drives me. This is the God who has so lovingly placed me where He wants me and when He wants me…

So, my heart still cries out for God and for people… that they may know the kindness that I have known and that they may bend a knee to the One who has given everything.

The little girl grew up and now she understands that her heart’s desires were planted by the Creator Himself— beautifully, a longing for the King and His Kingdom, full of His people.

Bill Johnson _ Pain

2008-09-04T06:55:00.000-05:00

Here's part of his latest podcast... great teaching on inner healing in the presence of God... one-step program: meet with God. We need to learn how to tend to our hearts and meet with God. This is something that the Lord has been teaching me the last few years. It's beautiful and there's no other way for true healing than meeting with the Healer.

-------------- please excuse the typos -----------------------

Bill Johnson 9/2/08

Matthew 14
Vs.13 When Jesus heard that John was beheaded, he departed from there by a boat to a deserted place by himself but the multitude found him. He met them and then he departed again and went up to a mountain.
This is not a formula, but there is something here…. Jesus was tempted in everything…. he faced disappointments, losses, etc. but he never sinned. In this situation when he heard about john the Baptist who was his cousin (indebtedness b/c he’s a relative and john had laid his life down to prepare the way)…as soon as he heard, he sought to get alone. It’s the one step program. It’s time to get up on the mountain before the father and stay there until I get fixed. There aren’t hoops to jump through, scripture to memorize…all there is is an intense drive to not leave the way I went up.

Jesus sought a place to get alone with the Father. Right away he ran into crowds putting demands on him and what does he do? He ministered to them. Everyone in this room needs to know what it is to minister out of weakness and to write a spiritual check that you don’t think you have the reserves for. You need to let God show up. You don’t have anything left to give but then you see someone and feel the Lord pull you to them and step out to see the Lord do a miracle. Jesus steps out of his need to be alone with the Father and ministers to the ppl out of his own place of weakness and then he sent everyone away and went up to the mountain.

Some things can only be solved through time with the Lord. You can go to a conference, buy the latest book, have ppl pray and prophesy over you but there is some stuff that just don’t get fixed until you go up on the mountain. There are some things that don’t get recalibrated or readjusted and set in our heart and mind until there is time with the Father where things change. How long did he stay there? It didn’t say and I’m glad it didn’t’ say b/c then we’d make it a rule. It’s just not that way.

Disappointment comes. You start to make your way to the Father. If something interrupts you stop and minister to it but you don’t lose your focus. You finally get time with God and you don’t leave until there is a change.

If I’m willing to give up my right to understand then I receive the peace that surpasses all understanding. When I lay down my right for an explanation from God b/c it usually comes out of an accusing spirit where I hold God responsible to meet my description of what he should live like. When you lay down that thing in you that demands earthly justice of God instead of divine justice of earth…when that switch is made then you become positioned for the heart of the father and you receive a grace over your life that is unexplainable to the ppl around you.

What we’ve seen in our own household…two major hits for us…it’s extremely painful and to be facing this..their first declaration after his loss is “God is good.” wow… job’s wife says curse God and die. And while I don’t know any Christians to promote that there are plenty that teach the equal. We are a group of ppl that need some time on the mountain.

You can’t have a gathering like this where there isn’t tragedy and triumph at the same time…so you can preach to either side and always be successful...but our focus is we celebrate what God is doing but when there is loss we have to mourn without going into unbelief and without creating a lifestyle of distancing ourselves from challenges. We look for crisis and impossibilities. This situation of Jesus going up to the mountain is so profound…b/c you have to see the result. When he came down he crossed over and came to the land of Gennesaret some men and when they recognized him they brought to him all who were sick and begged him to touch the hem of his garment. as many who touched his garment were made well.

I want to suggest to you that Moses’s encounter on the mountain when the glory of the Lord radiated….a piece of cloth could cover it… but when Jesus went up on the mountain not only couldn’t a piece of cloth cover the glory but instead released it. Somehow there was something upon him that when he came down a whole group of ppl could see it.

Everyone rushing to touch one person’s coat and everyone was healed who touched him. Where did that come from? When he heard about John’s death he went up to the mountain to pray. Why? b/c it’s time for vindication. Vindication doesn’t come from emotional hype. It doesn’t come b/c we want to see this destroyed. It’s b/c in loss you meet with the one who is good, always.

How many of you have been affected in recent days by loss? See, what happens is that if you don’t deal with it then you just build on it. And if you don’t ever meet with the Father then we weaken the whole deal. Years later you don’t know there is weakness there but something is set on there and is too heavy and you crumble.

It’s a one-step program. Meeting with God. No pat answer, no intellectual answer, but I’m after the presence and peace of the Lord to compensate for the weakness, confusion, and loss and questions etc. Until that measure of grace from the presence of God saturates me then I’ll be poisoned by the disappointments and sting of loss.

We want this healed. Go to your mountain. Go to the place with the Father where you learn in a fresh way in the heart about the one who answers the slightest whim of a request. To a father that is so extremely good that even ones that have experienced extreme tragedy can still declare God’s goodness. Pray to go to the deepest place of loss and disappointment and pray that God will bring resolve and take you to the mountain with Him.

Cleaning Out What Has Hardened

2008-08-20T06:25:00.001-05:00

Old food clung with all its strength to the side of my bowl. I scrubbed and scrubbed in vain. Alas, I turned on the water and poured in some soap. This mess would have to soak for some time until I would be able to scrape out the muck and at last see a clean bowl.

As I was doing this simple task, I thought of how we do the same thing to our hearts emotionally and spiritually. We allow junk to build up until it hardens and cannot be easily removed. Scraping out the junk takes effort. We must soak in love and truth from the Lord, allowing it to seep into the pores of our soul and heart in order that our hearts may be softened enough to scrape out the mess.

You see, that argument turned into an offense which became a grudge, eventually planting a seed of bitterness. That little sin, well, he soon became a great desire which formed into a habit, eventually shutting out the light, leading to greater sin. Those passing thoughts-- well, they soon became more than just passing thoughts; they began to stick around. They began to push out the truth. In fact, they became the posing "truth" and formed new and unhealthy ways of thinking.

Meanwhile, the heart hardened more and more, just as the food in that bowl did the longer I left it alone. You see, the things that we sometimes shrug off, end up being our greatest enemy. In Jackie Pullinger's book, Chasing the Dragon, she explains the way of darkness through drugs:

"Every addict has a love-hate relationship with his drug. His mind despises it and its hold over him. His body longs for it when deprived for too long and cheats his mind into seeing it as a salvation. No one ever knows when he crosses the line from 'playing' with drugs to being dependent on them. One novice vomits the first time and tries again to see whether it improves. Another feels little effect and imagines that he can take it again quite safely. He starts with a small dose, but what satisfies at first is soon not enough and he needs to take more to prevent withdrawal pains. He takes bigger doses more and more often until he is arrested or dies."

It starts out small...and eventually leads to death--whether it's a physical death or spiritual death. Either way, the walking dead or grave stricken man--they are both dead.

Jackie continues to explain the allure of the drug itself:

"It was a degrading scene, but I was fascinated and attracted. I felt the pull of the drug that every potential addict knows and which defies logic. He knows it kills; he knows it leads to addiction and depravity. He knows all the arguments with his head, but he still has to try it. And having tried once, he has to continue until he is part of the mystique that drew him. [...] I felt the pull of the drug. It was attractive. It was demonic."

We must continually be pruning our hearts and keeping them cleaned out. We must allow the Lord to reveal the state of our hearts. What seemed trivial to start, may soon grow roots that intertwine, running so deep that ripping them out will cause immense pain-- pain that could have easily been prevented from the beginning.

Be honest before the Lord. Lay your heart bare before the Lord. He will clean you up in the kindest way. He may discipline you, but only out of love. He will pour ointment on the wounds and bandage you properly.

During the time of cleaning--remember that the bowl had to soak and so does your heart. It takes time. You must soak in the Lord's presence. You must allow Him to work things out fully. Are you willing?

Vagabond with Roots and Purpose

2008-07-19T10:14:00.001-05:00

Leaning out the window, rain water drips down wetting the back of my hands. My eyes turn upward to see the overcast sky and a gentle downpour. My gaze ventures down five stories again and a traffic line of floating umbrellas pass by in a most graceful manner. I can only imagine the faces underneath the moving shelter.

Sighing, I turn inward again, now inhaling a breath of air tainted by cigarette smoke. I begin dreading the thought of having to be bound in this hotel all day due to rain. Instead, Tara and I gear up to face the rain. To my surprise, the rain did not keep Koreans bound to their homes. The streets are filled with people as well as the malls crawling with shopping addicts. To a country that experiences a rainy season every year, the rain poses no threat. The people have become accustomed to it and bare the rain with no hesitancy. Women in heals, skirts, and plush purses...men in nice pants. The rain makes no difference to the locals. Tara and I are quite impressed.

Dropping off my key at the front desk and heading for the elevator, the man at the desk kindly motions to me that it is raining. I nod and point to my rain jacket, putting the hood over my head. He motions to wait and then comes back with an umbrella which he offers to me. I can not believe his generosity. It challenges me as I wonder if I would have done the same thing had I been in his shoes. Knowing that I probably wouldn't have, I am a little embarrassed and reluctant to accept his offer, but I graciously accept and thank him with a slight smile and bow. I suppose I have no idea how to really say thank you, as I can not even remember how to say thank you in Korean. This language is so foreign to me--nothing sounds familiar. Mulling over this simple act, I find that such experiences tend to alter my mindset and open my eyes to a way of living that is foreign to me and yet should be familiar.

Looking into another culture can some how strangely be like looking into a mirror, as you begin to see things about yourself that were hidden to you before but now stand out like a sore thumb. You begin to see the markings of your culture over your personality and character...the experiences of your culture that have helped form you...these little indentions all over. These things look at you with a most powerful gaze and some how they were hidden, only to be recognized once outside the bounds of their own origin.

Another day in Asia, and I can barely grasp the reality that I am 6,000 miles from a place I call home. Transition here seems to be smooth for several reasons. One being that Korea is far more developed than the Latin American countries I have lived in previously; my job requires me to speak English all day long (which I have correlated my homesickness with the expanse of my language barrier on many occasions); I've had Tara to experience and process everything with; and God has really been a covering for me--orchestrating everything and leading me this whole time.

I wonder how I will feel several months from now. Regardless, I am enjoying the newness of everything and feeding the hunger I have for adventure, culture, and travel. It's like a sickness. A bug that you are born with that does not go away. It can only be satiated by the adventure itself, no matter how short or close to home the trip may be. A mere weekend excursion, a road trip across the country, or a one-way flight to Asia as in this case.

People such as myself must realize that roots and having an anchor are good and to be desired. Being a vagabond is not necessarily the answer to such deep hungers. There is something real about needing to have the Lord settle your wandering soul. In the end, it's not about all the places you've traveled or ventured to, but rather the places of your heart that have been uncovered and shared, the people you've encountered, the intimacy you've experienced with the Lord, and His love that is shared along the way.

In a post-modern culture that thrives on experience, I'm afraid I'm a walking product of the scene. My only desire is that I seek the Lord over my hunger for adventure and experience. I want to be one who only experiences things as the Lord calls--that I would not be so concerned with an experience as I am with the purposes of the Lord. I want to be subject to the requirements of the King.

Adventure in itself can become an idol when it is placed above our relationship with the Lord. I find that a relationship with the Lord usually takes you on adventures and is an adventure in and of itself. Perhaps the adventures depend upon the person and personality or perhaps not. I can see those faithfuls who have been loyal to one community their entire lives and have no desire to venture out. I admire their stability and roots. I also see those who have the roots but also venture out from time to time.Admirable as well.

No matter-- I have a traveling shelter and security in the Lord. Where I am there I am and He is in me and surrounding me. As long as my roots are deeply planted in Him... because in the end, we are just passing through--but with purpose.

I've Arrived!

2008-07-19T05:33:00.003-05:00

Monday, July 14, 2008

After 16 hours of flying time and more hours in the airport, and an hour's drive through the mountains....I am finally here in Bundang, South Korea! It's about 9pm here or 7am Texas time. I already have a full schedule for tomorrow, including a teacher's meeting! Tara and I are hoping that we won't be falling asleep!

There is a two week overlap with the teachers leaving, so until they are gone, Tara and I are temporarily staying in a hotel. It's not so bad but not what we expected. So no settling down in our studio apartments just yet....But any time you travel, you learn that being flexible is the best thing to be! So, I will continue living out of a suitcase with a smile =) Thankfully there is internet in our rooms and an AC unit because the weather here is not much different from Houston--hot and humid! Ha!

The visibility is very poor with all the fog...but it makes the mountains look beautiful as they are silhouetted through a dimmed haze. They are lush with lots of vegetation--it reminds me of the rolling hills in Costa Rica. Of course, down in the city I am among neon signs, swarms of people, and tall buildings...just like you imagine.

Just a Thought

2008-07-19T05:33:00.001-05:00

We all here the cliche, o he's a "half-full" kind of guy or she's a "half-empty" kind of girl... somehow we say that our personality is either optimistic or pessimistic. I kind of believe that it has to do with character. I mean think about it: what are the fruits of the spirit? what were the words of Jesus like?

I would have to say that I don't believe it's fair to use your personality as an excuse to say that you're a pessimist. Instead, I think that it's an issue of renewing your mind and changing the way you think. I can say this because in my flesh I am naturally negative and see the bad side of things. However, I make a conscious effort to change the way I think and try to see things how God would see them. This does not mean that everything is always rose colored. No, but it does mean that I am searching for the hand of God in every situation. This is something that you can practice. You can choose the thoughts that you will dwell on. You can choose to worry about the worst possible situation or you can pray for the best outcome. You can dwell on the negative or you can contend for the positive as the Lord takes you through the dirt.

Or even in day to day living-- think about the things that upset you or cause you to have negative thoughts. The guy cut you off, you ran out of bread, you were offended by what he said, you stubbed your toe, you had to wait in a long line, your computer is running slow, you spilled your coke... Little things. But those little things add up. And pretty soon you're so negative that no one can stand being around you. I have people like this in my life and they are no fun to be around for sure.

Anyway, I'm not perfect at being positive all the time and I find myself complaining too, but we can at least make a concerted effort to change the way we think and perceive situations. With enough practice it becomes habit and the way we naturally function. Just like any other habit you try to change, transforming your thoughts takes practice and sometimes great effort and even concentration. Before you know it, the Lord is changing how you think and the Holy Spirit is giving you better thoughts.

We want to be givers of life, not death.

Something else that kind of goes along with this: David Grotheim taught me a value and practice that I hold onto-- "Always think the best of someone." This is so vital. I cannot tell you how much it has changed the way I see other people and even how much trouble this "simple" (I quote it because it takes a lot to change your thought patterns in this area) practice saves you. When you are one, able to stop being so concerned about what others think of you and their motives, then it frees you a lot. And two, when you can think the best of the other person, it saves you from cursing them with your thoughts and words as well as judging them for something that you don't even know is true or not. Plus, a lot of times, the person is not malicious and isn't out to get you like you think (although there are those rare occasions). But for the most part, people aren't out to get you and you don't have to always think the worst of them. If you can't see the whole picture then don't fill it in with your negative thoughts of that person. Even if the person has some flaws (b/c we all do), try to see the best in them and see them how God does. I assure you God doesn't think the malicious thoughts that we sometimes have of other people. Maybe David could explain it better.

Well, them's my two cents for what it's worth. The end.

Remembering Tomatoes

2008-07-19T05:32:00.001-05:00

"There are some things that you will never outgrow."

-----------------/-------{@

Arriving at my Granny's house, she geared up to spend some quality time with me. This of course meant that we would have our traditional pizza from Pizza Hut, we would sit on the back porch and talk over coffee, and ....she had purposefully left some ripe tomatoes on her plant for me to pick. She had already harvested a few but then she knew that I would be delighted to go outside to her garden (which in all sincerity is only a few flower pots on the back porch) and pick the red tomatoes. She was so thrilled and could not wait for me to remember the days of old...as my sister and I used to love going out to her garden and pick mint leaves for our tea, okra "boats" for out bath toys (that's another story), and cherry tomatoes to eat! On some occasions she even had squash or watermelon.

So, she took me outside and showed me her plump reds...and I proudly picked them for her in remembrance of all the memories we have made together over the years. She laughed, and said whole heartedly, "There are some things that you will never outgrow."

I believe this with my all my heart. What fun is life if you outgrow everything you loved from childhood? =P

In Your Blood, LIVE!

2008-07-19T05:31:00.000-05:00

[Dedicated to those who have experienced the abuses of the enemy as well as other people]

A darker entry, but one of declaration of freedom and liberation from the affairs of the enemy (and people that the enemy uses against you)...

Sometimes you just have to declare the truth outloud and claim the freedom that Jesus has already bought for us.

// Your words have been bitter and cold and I cannot afford to receive anymore of them, and I choose not to receive your criticisms that only lead to the destruction of a soul. I ask the Lord to release me from your grip and the death that comes with your words. I let go of the things that have been spoken over me and I find solace in the love that the Lord has for me. I refuse to believe the lies and hatred that you have spoken over me. My Lord rebukes in love but you criticize and judge out of bitterness and hurt. It spills out of you like venom and I will not let it poison me anymore. I receive only life from the Lord and choose life and freedom.

I plea for His mercy as I know that His kindness is what has drawn me to repentance and continues to. I am broken and know my need for Him. In times of suffering, He pulls me close to His chest, that I may breathe in sync with Him. He is taking me to a deeper romance as He is entrusting a greater understanding of His pains and suffering by means of my own suffering. He is making beauty from ashes.

I refuse to take the sting of your sin and your hatred bubbling out of you. I repel your words that sear and destroy a soul. I receive only the life that the Lord offers me. I receive His freedom. I will no longer be bound in your entanglement of lies, insecurities, wounds, and venom. I will not fall a fool of your mockery. I will not become a puppet you control. I will not let your thoughts become mine. I will not become in the image of you but only of my God. I will not let your bitterness creep into my heart. I will not let my anger rage on past sunset. I will choose to forgive. I will not be clothed in your lies, but my Lord will clothe me with fine linen and silk. I will no longer eat your poison but I will taste of sweet honey from my Lord.

I will rest in the arms of my Lord. He knows my heart and He knows my love for Him. Your thougths about my heart and soul are of no concern to me for they are mere thoughts. But my Lord KNOWS me and my heart. He KNOWS me. I find solace in that. He KNOWS me and LOVES me. His grace is sufficient and He delivers me from trouble. He delivers me from your lies and your harsh words. He delivers me from even your thoughts and accusations. I am free in Him. I am FREE. Like a battered woman whose just realized her abuse and that she is deserving of better treatment, I stumble out verbally beaten, and I realize that I need better treatment. I realize that the Lord held my hand as I desperately stepped into the light. He whispered His love. He held me until I cried and then He held me through my tears. Then He wiped them away and said, "In your blood, LIVE! I said in your blood, LIVE!" //

Please declare this for yourself if need be. I can almost garuntee that everyone experiences the abuses of the enemy to some degree and sadly, the abuses of others as an effect of sin. Receive your freedom and declare it on a mountain top!

Hold On and Obey God

2008-06-23T19:14:00.001-05:00

A journal entry from January:

Meeting a woman of God during a tragic event can change your life.

In light of the circumstances, I was blessed and challenged to see this woman of God offering so much to people she had only just met. With the recent loss of her son, I cannot imagine what she must have been feeling.

I do know, she had the presence of God settling over her with such an impact that it touched me to stand only a few feet from her. She spoke to us with pure grace and conviction... a woman who knows the Lord in and out... who's holding on no matter what. She grabbed my arm, looked me straight in the eyes and said through tears:

"The one thing I can tell you is to always obey God. No matter what--always obey God. And I'll tell you, God is going to take you through some hard things, but you obey God. He doesn't build bridges over things or dig trenches under them. He walks you through them, but you hold on and obey. People might think you're crazy for what you're doing, but if God tells you to do it, you better obey Him. You cry out to God--get in a place where you are alone with God and you cry out to Him. And you obey Him."

I don't think I've ever met a more courageous woman. I can understand now why her son was so passionate for God. Her words seared my heart forever.

May we always be steadfast, Lord. Always.

"I Have Found"...the Freedom Train

2008-06-23T14:46:00.001-05:00

This is a post from May 11th:

"I Have Found" by: Kim Walker (Jesus Culture)

//I have found a peace
that plows on through the storm
I have found a joy
that jumps over sadness
I have found a love
that lights up every room
I have found
I found you

You are all I want
You are all I need
Everything my heart could hope for
We are longing for
the glory of the Lord
Because we know
there's so much more

I have found a trust
that teaches how to rest
I have a grace
that guides me by the hand
I have found a strength
that stands like a mountain
And I have found
I found You

Only you...//

This weekend Erin, Michelle and I went to the JesusCulture Conference in the Dallas/Ft Worth area and the team from Bethel at Redding, CA came along with Bill Johnson and Cindy Jacobs. These are the lyrics to one of the songs that we sang and professed...I highly recommend any of the jesusculture cds!

-------------------

Revival is happening and it is so exciting to be a part of-- that God uses His people! I am continually amazed by God's glory and power when displayed...I never want to stop being in awe of God and what He is doing worldwide!

You always hear of miracles happening but when you actually witness it, it's just absolutely amazing... the first night that we were there about 200 people were healed from some kind of aliment, whether it was a a deaf ear opening or a hurt ankle becoming pain free and healed.... there was one man that during the teaching, the glory of the Lord settled in the room and by the end he could hear 100%! There was another girl that had a leg that was badly injured from playing sports and her leg got really hot and she started screaming and jumping up and down because God healed her leg. There are so many stories...I could go on and on...

Maybe it's hard for some to believe this, whether they don't believe in God or they don't believe in the active gifts of the holy spirit, but I can testify that I've seen and experienced the power of God. He is alive! Jesus is risen and God's glory is consuming the earth! It is time to align yourself with what he's doing!

During some of the break-out sessions there was a session on "Words of Knowledge"...I did not go to this one but Michelle and Erin did. Well, my session got out early so I went into the main auditorium and sat in the back. There were several people on stage giving their words of knowledge that the Lord gave them. The speaker joked, "Here they all come (us from the other session) and they're going to benefit from our session." I laughed...

About the third person down the row to share said, "So this is crazily specific. I saw a clear picture. I saw clouds and then out of the clouds a train started coming. The train came out of the clouds and on the train the word 'Freedom' was written on the side." I suddenly felt a shock go through my body. Then he continued, "And there is a girl riding on the train named Diane." I freaked out a little. I sunk down in my chair a little...looking around for someone else to claim this...surely, out of a conference of 900 people someone else would speak up. No one fessed up...Then I looked down and Michelle and Erin were frantically looking around for me. They asked, "Does this mean anything to anyone?" As no one else raised her hand, I slowly raised mine. I could not believe that God would call me out like that! That has never happened publicly before!

Well, the more I meditated on this word and vision, I knew it was for me. The last four or five years of my life the Lord has been taking me on a journey of freedom and healing...and even that very morning I was wrestling with the Lord and asking him to set me completely free. He has not only set me free but he wanted to proclaim it and profess my freedom to me before everyone! All I had to do was accept his proposal for freedom! It was the sweetest experience... All weekend I was the "freedom train girl" and didn't even have to introduce my name... haha--it was kind of embarrassing, but rocking cool too!

I am sharing this testimony because I want others to jump on the freedom train and claim their freedom in Jesus Christ! There's room for everyone! You can leave your past behind...He will heal every wound...just jump on the train that's ushering in the Kingdom! Jesus is so good...

The saddest thing to me is when I see believers in bondage....Jesus offers so much freedom...all you have to do is receive it! Let Him dig up the roots of lies and wounds and replant the truth and His love.

Burnt Toast, Egg Shells and Coffee Grinds

2008-06-21T12:10:00.002-05:00

Sizzling in the pan, eggs began to cook as a little girl's hand took the spatula and did her best cook breakfast for Dad while making a mess in the kitchen. Only eight, she tried to remember how mommy always did it. First you got to crack the eggs, but that turned out to be a lot harder than she thought. When they wouldn't crack properly she just used her hand to finish the job, not noticing the bits of egg shell that fell in. She beat the eggs with a fork and somehow managed to get them in the pan with only a little bit of soupy egg spilling out.

So proud. She grinned cheek to cheek. Today was a special day for Dad, and she wanted to make it even more special for him.

She popped a slice of bread into the toaster, turning the heat setting like mom always did-- only she didn't know what it did. She just knew that mommy turned it. Somehow, her toast turned out a lot blacker than mommy's. Maybe Dad would like it that way, she thought.

Ahhaa! Coffee! Dad drinks coffee. She searched the pantry up and down until she found Folger's Coffee. She'd seen her Dad do this before. It's simple. You get a filter and put some coffee grinds in there. A few scoops of that should do the trick. She poured water into the coffee maker, and all over the floor in the process.

A plate of eggs, burnt toast, and a cup of the blackest coffee you'd ever seen, she geared up to show her masterpiece to her father. Mom and Dad were just beginning to wake, as they probably smelled the remnants of coffee and burning toast...she knocked and then came in with a show. Happy Father's Day, Dad!

He could not have been more delighted. He smiled and with his deep, rolling laugh began to dote on his daughter. She beamed. As he sipped his bitter, black coffee, he could not help but chuckle, "How much coffee did you put in there, Dyanne?"
"I did it just like you, Dad."

I don't think he had it in his heart to mention the egg shells in his eggs or the burnt toast. But he didn't mind because it was my best offering of love I could give to him.

Thinking back on that memory, I could not help but laugh out loud and smile as I realized that that is how God views us. We blunder often (not even realizing it) and even when we are offering Him our best, it is still tainted with egg shells and coffee grinds. But He knows our hearts. He sees our hearts and our intentions. I have to remember that as I cannot be and never will be perfect. I can strive for holiness, and seek Him, but I will always be human and need the all-encompassing grace that Jesus offers.

Thank you, Jesus, for your grace and love. Thank you, Father, for your love and delight in us!

The other thing that I noticed was that that eight year old Dyanne was not ashamed to offer her dad burnt toast and whatnot. No, she offered it with a full heart, knowing that she gave her best. Sometimes as we get older, we think that we have to be perfect before coming to God. That could not be further from the truth. He accepts you where you are at. He desires you to come to Him no matter where you stand. In fact, you won't begin to truly change until you come to Him as you are. Then He begins a work in you that He continues until completion and the day of Jesus.

So, come before Him, no matter where you stand. Let His presence settle over you and let Him love you just as you are. Don't worry about the rest. He'll work it out. He is patient and kind. He is the most loving person you'll ever know. Let Him send out a rolling laughter of love that fills the room when you offer Him what love and worship you have. You will feel His delight. There's nothing like it. Nothing that compares.

Threshing

2008-06-18T23:52:00.002-05:00

Tonight at our prayer time the Lord really moved on some people to pray to be "crushed" and to have everything removed that should not be in their hearts. This may seem like a harsh prayer at first, but in reality it is a very beautiful and courageous prayer. One that will reap a tremendous amount of fruit, though it may be a catalyst for a time of hardship. It's a prayer that the Lord takes seriously.

A season for a threshing floor... there are seasons in our lives where we have to allow God to take down the walls and the "scaly" outer part so that He can get to the good stuff. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Threshing
It's a laborious and painful process, but during this time the Lord reveals himself as the great comforter. Through the beatings, the threshing, the pounding, the uprooting, the crushing...He is there. He is helping you along and freeing you.

I get an image of an oak tree that has vines around it--suffocating it. The vines have so deceptively woven their way into the branches of the tree, so much so that the tree believes that the vines are a part of it. The Lord begins to rip these vines out and the tree finds it to be painful. These vines that so "protected" the tree and even gave it identity had also been suffocating it, unbeknownst to the tree. So when the Lord starts ripping away, the tree finds it difficult to let go...and there is a grievance. There is a sort of loss. But as the tree begins to realize its freedom, the pain lessens. The tree begins to breathe fresh air and to see things differently. The tree realizes for the first time that those vines were really a source of death and not life. In the same way, we harbor things in our hearts that we think give us life but in reality they bring death. We have to let the Lord take them. He is the true provider of life. When we allow Him to rip out the vines, we begin to breathe anew and experience a healing and freedom never imagined.

I've also found that during the desert times, the Oak sends its roots down deeper in search for the water, and likewise, we are oaks of righteousness and during the desert we learn to send our roots deeper in search for the water of life. During this process we grow stronger and our foundation becomes even greater. In the desert our hunger for the Lord intensifies and we realize our desperate need for Him. When we are able to humble ourselves, in our weakness He is strong.

We all endure a breaking of some sort....the key is to make sure and set the bone properly so that it heals properly. When the bone is set properly then as it heals, the new fibers are actually growing back stronger than the original bone (or so a nurse once told me). After a brake and a healing, we are stronger and have a greater testimony to share.

Anyway, these are just a few thoughts....

Here is a short documentary on the traditional Threshing Floor:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=fDmciOFo7M4

A Taste of Heaven

2008-06-04T15:50:00.002-05:00

Being among the mountains, something inside me comes alive that remains dormant until ignited by the beauty of God's creation. I can't quite place my finger on what it is that excites me about being in the mountains, but there is something very real that comes alive in me--that invigorates me and makes me feel more alive. Maybe it is the beauty and sheer majesty of God's creation. Something speaks to the depths of my soul.

Rushing river
leading to eternity
pushing forward with force and peace
justice right at it's feet
I call for you, my King
Fly me home
For this is just a taste
of the most beautiful place
Heaven is at hand
the Kingdom inside me, all around me
while I pass through
may I share with a few
the glory of your majesty
and the joy of knowing you, my Lord
what more could I ask for?
but to love and be loved

I would not say that I'm not alive when I'm away from the mountains-- it's just that God speaks to me in a different way when I am resting in solitude, surrounded by beauty. It's almost not tangible or explainable...it surpasses my ability to explain...kind of how you cannot explain the intimacy of a kiss without taking away from it's significance, I feel like I cannot adequately explain my experiences amidst God and His creation. Finding beauty in the world is something that God uses to minister to me and speak to me. While in Colorado, beauty is not hard to find. The grandeur of the mountains speaks to me about the power and strength of God. It's almost overwhelming, but I love to feel overwhelmed by God.

Being Fully Alive is Courageous

2008-06-04T15:49:00.002-05:00

Something that I've been meditating on recently is the fact that to be fully alive, you are going to feel both pain and joy deeply. There is no way that you can experience the full intensity of joy unless you've felt the depths of grief and pain.

I can testify to this as I lived my life numb to emotion for years. It was not until these last five years that the Lord has allowed me to experience His love and the depths of what that encompasses. Until I began to deal with the pain of the past, there was no way that I could feel the pureness and great depth of His love.

I can understand why so many people walk around numb and half alive...it takes work to deal with the past. You must seek out healing and you must receive healing. So many people do not want to take the time to dive into their grief. Or they refuse to receive healing when it's offered. It's scary and seems overwhelming. However, I can assure you that in the end, you'll be better off.

Reading The Kite Runner on the plane to Colorado, one quote really stood out to me: "I became what I am today at the age of twelve, on a frigid overcast day in the winter of 1975. I remember the precise moment, crouching behind a crumbling mud wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it’s wrong what they say about the past, I’ve learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out. Looking back now, I realize I have been peeking into that deserted alley for the last twenty-six years."

This can be seen in so many people and I can even see it in myself on occasion when the Lord brings something else up that I haven't dealt with. We must constantly be allowing God to renew us and heal us and carry us forward. I always say this, but I'll say it again: it's a process. It is written, "Above all else guard your heart for it is the well-spring of life." I will say confidently that most people do not live by that or take it seriously. We must take care of ourselves and allow God to tend to our hearts.

So many walk around half alive. I believe this is for several reasons: Either they do not realize it (as I did not when I was numb). They are too afraid to face the past. They are afraid of feeling love deeply for fear of being hurt. They are afraid to experience true joy and love because in order to feel the good they also open themselves up to feeling pain deeply. Some have been so hurt that they have locked themselves inside their own defenses. There are probably other reasons--these are just ones that I can articulate at the moment.

I believe that it takes true courage to feel love and pain deeply. Jesus, himself, did this. He grieved death and betrayal; He experienced and knew the Father's love to such a depth that He could give His life and be secure in the hands of His Father. He loves deeply regardless of the risk that He takes in being hurt for not being loved in return. He loves without fear.

To face the pain is being courageous and fully alive. To love without condition is being fully alive. To receive love without a filter or defense is being fully alive. I want to love like Jesus loves. I want to love like the Father loves. And I want to receive that love.

Not dealing with the past and the pain keeps you numb and does not allow for one to be fully alive. Rather, it is just coping and passing through. Being numb robs you of the Life God has offered you. God calls us to be a people who love as He does and experience true Life and freedom. If we are in so much bondage that we can't receive His love then how can we love others?

Sober Minded and Moving Forward to South Korea

2008-06-04T15:48:00.000-05:00

Life is full of change and change is hard. We as humans love to be secure and comfortable. And I'd even beg to say that women are even more so wired to need security. This path of life always seems to bring uncertainties and winding roads.

After spending six days in Colorado and saying goodbye to some dear friends, the reality of South Korea began to stair me in the face. The excitement of this adventure some how transformed to fear and anxiety, sadness and a very sober minded view of what I'm about to do. I feel as though the Lord is reminding me of His great love and how much He desires my affections. He wants me to trust Him in that He loves me enough to take care of me even in the desert--that He will make my way in this place.

I began to doubt and possibly even regret my decision to go to South Korea, but the Lord has gently been reaffirming that decision. Yes, I made the decision, but the Lord has helped to lead me in making the decision. I have to remember that.

A friend of mine reminded me that anything we do should only be drawing us more into the love and peace of God. We should not be doing anything that is taking us further from the love of God. So in regards to South Korea, I have to receive the love that the Lord is offering. He is extending His hand to me and wants to carry me through this new season.

Another friend of mine was praying for me and had the image of the Red Sea parting. She explained, "God paves the way. He creates a path and takes you down a path that you and no one else can see. Just like the Israelites couldn't see the path that the Lord was taking them on, and then He parted the Red Sea and led them onward. The same is for you in going to South Korea. You may feel like you are blind right now but He has your hand and He is leading you down a path that only He can see."

This same friend gave me Psalm 16 which is the scripture the Lord gave me two months ago for South Korea. He is desiring me to be secure in Him alone. He is my security and nothing else will provide me with what I truly need.

I honestly believe that this trip to South Korea is crafted in teaching me more about faith and depending on God. When we remain in comfort and security then we are not as likely to step out in faith. We have a propensity to stay comfortable. But when we are put in places of unfamiliarity, then we have no choice but to call out on God and believe Him for our protection and security. This is a life lesson that I believe we all learn over and over again every time the tide goes out and then returns. The changing seasons naturally create an atmosphere for increased faith.

In my weakness He is strong. Through my tears He comforts me. In my fog He leads me.

Thank you, Lord, that You have my hand. May I never let go!

----------------
Psalm 16
A miktam of David.
1 Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.

2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."

3 As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.

4 The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.

5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,

10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Photo Albums in Heaven

2008-05-26T22:45:00.001-05:00

A Journal entry from several days past:

Lightening streaks the sky--a show of lights for sure. I like to believe that God is showing off. It's quite impressive anyhow. ...I am reminded of a memory from childhood.

I always had a childlike faith in God and always knew that He loved me. In fact, He loved me so much that during thunder storms he was taking pictures of me. Yes. Every time that it would lightening, I would pose because I believed, truly believed, that God was taking a picture and the lightening was the flash from His camera. I was so excited during thunder storms because it was my special time to be with God.

Now, I look back and laugh. But could it not be that that child had a better understanding of God's love for her than most adults? I believe it could be true. As children, there is such an innocence and such a trust...a trust that God loves them through and through.

Then we grow up somewhere in the meantime and pick up a bunch of insecurities, lies, misconstrued ideas of God, and the realization that we are sinful and undeserving of love (which is true, but He loves anyway). Well, as a child--you know that your parents and God will love you no matter what. However, as adults we start to think that love is not unconditional but based on performance (at least many of us do that).

If only we could all receive the grace that God offers through Jesus and accept His love. He is giddy over us, as a friend said this last Sunday at church. He is absolutely in love with us. And I bet you--He does have a photo album of me with pictures of those days when I would pose especially for my God during thunder storms. I bet you that He has a photo album of you too. Next time it lightenings, maybe you could smile just to humor Him (and me). =)

Gran-Granny

2008-05-26T22:43:00.001-05:00

"Did you go down 6th Street at all? I suppose it's not like it used to be. I used to be able to buy 6" shrimp at every corner and there were always live bands out playing. I remember once I was marching down Congress Street--you know, the one that runs up to the Capital. Well, our band had made ones at UIL for four years in a row so we got to march with the Texas Band. I was a twirler and my tights came down during that performance. The zipper broke and they fell right down. I was at the age where you can get so embarrassed you could die. I pulled them up and quickly caught up with the band. There was another time that my friend and I were down 6th Street and she got her finger stuck in a beer bottle. We went all around asking people's advise. Everyone told us something different, but mostly they just told us to break the bottle. It was back when everyone was really friendly and it wasn't just a party street. I suppose it's different now."

I listened with a smile as my Granny told me of her experiences in Austin...down the same streets I visited this weekend. Sometimes I wish I would have grown up in an earlier generation. Alas, there would just be something else that I didn't like. Sure, the gas was a lot cheaper and men would pump it for you. Sure, there was more living space and everything seemed much more innocent and fun back then. But, the grass is always greener on the other side. I love hearing her stories, anyhow.

She's always full of stories...even right when I pick up the phone, she answers, "You're just in time for the party!" I am? Well, great! What party? Oh, Mary got in the pool for the first time this year...the weather was warm enough! I'm so glad I called for the occasion! I hope that when I am her age, I will be filled with stories and that I'll be filled with wisdom to pass on to others. She always has a way of teaching-- in almost any situation. Whether she's giving me rules for tubing: now, if you fall out of your tube on a rapid make sure you go down the river with your feet in front of you. Make sure to lift your butt on the rapids. Watch out for rocks or you'll get rock dents. Or rules for the beach: Always drag your feet in the ocean so that you don't step onto something sharp. Don't have your mouth open when you are looking up and feeding seagulls.

She continued to tell me of her planting...in fact she has one crop. Her tomato plant delivered a tomato the size of a marble (in her words). She was so proud! I love that with Granny, everything becomes a game or some unique way of learning--and most certainly, a story to tell! My favorite use of resources was when my sister and I were small enough that we still took baths, but we had no bath toys at Granny's. No problem for Granny. We just walked to the backyard and picked us some genuine "okra boats"....that's right. Okra. Believe it or not, they turned out to be the best bath toys ever! And probably the only bath toys I really remember!

I promise, she can advise you in some way on just about every subject. And if she can't, then she'll make it up and pretend that she knows. But of course, she's a retired teacher and counselor...it's in her nature to advise.

Well, now she's come up with a new name. After years of being Granny...or "Gaaaarrraaannnyyy" as Marilyn and I call her, she will now be Gran-Granny since my sister is pregnant! She will be the best Gran-Granny ever! I only wish they could see her tubing like I got to! Perhaps we'll still sing "Kumbaya" or "King of the Road" around the camp fire!

I wish that Grandparents could always stay young! Really, they're the coolest of us all! If only our culture paid more attention to them. They have so much to offer! I am thankful that I've had great grandparents. One day we'll all be old--so we better learn to appreciate age and to pass that value on to our children. Otherwise, we may not have Granny's to teach us how to hunt for coral on the beach, or how to read Shell Silverstein poetry with enthusiasm or how to make every moment special-- or to teach us how to deal with death and life's greatest pains. Praise God for Grandparents.

I'll leave you with a saying that she learned from her Great-Great Grandmother and has now passed on to me: "Well, God is on the water the same as on the land."

Renewed and Redeemed

2008-05-26T17:51:00.001-05:00

"Sometimes God has to redeem you from the things that He saved you through."

Talking with a close friend, she spoke this revelation to me. It's weight hit me like a ton of bricks. The very things that I had wanted to cling to because they were comfortable and familiar, I've had to let the Lord redeem me from. And though He has had to redeem me from them, these same things, He used to draw me to His side. I've asked the Lord so many times why He allowed me to go through certain things or even experience good things He would eventually take away from me...I've never had an answer such as this one.

When we are in a place of desperation and hurt, sometimes the Lord's love is too much for us to receive, so He'll use whatever means He can to keep us alive, all the while pursuing us, drawing us to His side. If we won't receive His love then He uses whatever He can to give us a glimpse of Him, while knowing that eventually He'll take that from us when we are ready to receive His love. Because, ultimately, that thing or experience we held onto was not the final plan. The ultimate plan was for us to be drawn into the Father's arms. You see, He can make beauty from ashes. He can take what seemed to be bad and use it for good. That's because we have a God who is all loving and all good all of the time! That's the nature and character of God.

A soft sigh, a deep breath of revelation...The Kingdom of God is always moving forward. We have to let go and take hold of the new things set before us. This is the journey the Lord has taken me on the last 5 years that I have known Him. There have been times that He has had to pry my fingers from these things, but He always puts His hand in mine to replace what I previously clung to.

There is nothing that is permanent in this life save the love of God. This we must grasp and internalize.

I sit here while raindrops gently blanket the afternoon, and I see that the Lord renews all things in time. This process of renewal is beautiful and alive. Receive it with joy!

He Loves You Because He Is Love (Graham Cooke)

2008-05-01T11:54:00.004-05:00

I have to share this because it is so profound and challenging...it's from one of Graham's teachings:

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"This is the Christ that I know. He has immense and eternal compassion. His compassion is always greater than my sin. He is scandalously forgiving. His mercy burns as it destroys shame. He has unbounded patience, unending goodness. His love is so compelling it heals us; it strips away all our pretense and restores us to happiness. His grace is the empowering presence within that enables us to feel good about ourselves. His mercy is his totally favor given gladly to the undeserving heart. he's the kindess person I've ever known. His goodness is so outrageous and shocking, it's actually disreputable to the religious mind. He's the happiest person I know. He has the sunniest disposition of anyone I know.He is enthusiastically fervent with his pursuit for us. He is amazingly humble and gently and he is also a powerful warrior king who loves to fight and laughs at his enemies. He has a fabulous servant spirit--needing no title, status, or position, but simply and joyfully sets an example of heartwarming love. His love is enthrawling and captivates and commands us to be the same.His love is designed to overwhelm all things--especially fear, shame, and low self-esteem. He loves being trusted. He is delighted and astonished when we use our faith. He will never keep a record of our sins or failures. God has mercy that can never be properly understood or articulated; it can only be experienced. The only way we can explain this is if we give mercy ourselves.

Jesus the redeemer gives us value in the eyes of the Father. He sees and speaks to our potential. He both protects us and releases us to fulfill all that he wants us to see and know about ourselves. He has a dream for each one of us, and He wants us to live in the place of dreaming. Ps 126 says that we were like those that dreamed. God has a dream about you. And everything in his heart is to train you and develop you to bring you to a place where you can live out your dream.

The gospel is such good news that it is almost too good to be true. The gospel is such good news that it almost borders on fantasy. the good news is that you are loved outrageously. It doesn't matter what you do or how well you are doing. That's irrelevant. God does not love you based on how well you are doing. He loves you because He is Love.

One of the things that I learned in the last few years is, how do you love when love is not returned? Well the answer is, love doesn't seek the return. Love loves for the sake of loving. If you want to be faithful to love when you are not being loved, then you need to create a value that is greater than your pain. To me that value became, I am what I love, not what loves me. Where did that come from? It came from the heart of God who is outrageous in how he loves us.

God is not obsessed with sin. He has dealt with sin. He is consumed by life. We are in Christ learning how to become Christ-like. God put you into the one place where you will always be acceptable to Him--He put you in Christ. He put you in a place where you can always have your prayers answered--He put you in Christ. He put us into the one place where we could always could have he possibility of a radiant experience of God no matter what was occurring in life--He put us in Christ.

When God looks at us, He's not looking at us in the context of what's wrong. He's dealt with sin once and for all. When there are things that are wrong in our life He doesn't look them as what's wrong. He looks at what's missing in your current experience with God. Why? because we do this b/c we haven't got this. We sin because we haven't got this. We get involved in lust because we haven't got purity. The Father is saying, it's not lust that's his problem, his problem is that he hasn't got purity. We all know we have sin...we need to know what's missing...David said, my sin is ever before me.

You don't become a new person by changing your behavior. You discover the person you already are in Christ and you start to behave accordingly. That's what the holy spirit is here to bring us. This is who you are in Jesus, I'll help you to become that. God looks at you--he doesn't see what's wrong, he sees what's missing. He sees your potential. He sees what's missing in your current experience that he is committed to releasing to you." --Graham Cooke

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I could write out this whole teaching but it's an entire weekend conference...this is just a little snap shot...that was really a blessing to hear and challenging! I hope it blesses you!

My Driving Assignment

2008-05-01T11:53:00.001-05:00

I seem to always get myself in some kind of pickle… such as the other day:

I received a phone call from my boss who asked me if I’d like to do a driving job the next day. I inquired of this driving job and was told that I’d drive some people from the George Bush School to the George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston. I turned down the position and then thought, well, maybe I could do it. It sounds simple enough. They did need someone and I was the last one on their list to call. You see, they go to the cashiers as a last resort if the bus drivers cannot fill the position. Apparently, this was a last minute driving assignment as well. I called back to get more details. It really didn’t sound so bad. I hung up the phone, committed to drive the next day.

I would lie if I said I had no fear or insecurity in doing this. Of course I did! I figured that this would be a little step to walk out the confidence that the Lord has been growing in me over the last year—a chance to walk off the lies and insecurities and to believe in myself a little bit. I suppose I could have picked something else…but then again, I am going to South Korea. This venture would only be a taste of the utter dependence on God that I’ll experience when going to South Korea. With that in mind, I geared up to go. I first had to pass a 15 passenger van safety course online. As if that would make me feel better about driving that boat!

The next day I walked out of the house in a nice, button-up shirt with black pants and heals. I showed up at WCG to pick up the van and everyone there encouraged me.

As I drove out of the garage, I pushed the intercom to be let out and right then someone pealed out. Ron asked in shock, “Was that you?!” “Haha, no.” They all thought it was hilarious that I was driving this enormous van. I will brag in that I only hit one curb all day and it was when I first left the garage…the turn was too much for that van.

I drove up to the George Bush School and went around the security gate. I entered and parked, waiting to pick up my six passengers of whom I still did not know. I only knew that they were friends of Barbara Bush. (yah, I know)

Thankfully there was another driver already there in a much nicer charter bus. I stepped out and we chatted. He eased up a lot of my fears. He was a nice, well built black man who was very professional and in fact, a constable. This was his second job “for fun.” He encouraged me and gave me some advice while letting me in on some driving etiquette as well.

I asked him about the passengers I was picking up and he told me that they originally were going to go with him, but Barbara wanted to go straight home without stopping at the airport, so the charter bus was for Barbara and her dog. The other six got the boot to my 15 passenger van without an EZ tag, and me—who had never chauffeured before in my life, nor driven to the IAH airport on my own. What was I thinking?! I mean, I was only driving some friends of Barbara Bush.

Well, Jill Conner Browne, a best selling author, sat up front with me and we talked a little. She seemed really tired, but was very sweet anyhow. As I want to write a book one day, it was only natural to ask how she got her book published. She was so down-to-earth and simply laughed, “I really don’t know anything about that process at all. I just happened to come across the right people who ended up getting my book published. I used to be a columnist. I was $30,000 in debt, divorced with kids, and about to live in a cardboard box. I met the right people at the right time.” She met her second husband several years ago and now he manages everything for her. She is an interesting lady and I’d be up for reading some of her writing which is in the genre of humor. http://www.sweetpotatoqueens.com/
Tho, the business card she gave me said, “Lick you all over 10 Cents….*Ask about our other specials” I wasn’t sure I’d want to ask…She laughed, “No one ever loses my business card.” I’m curious about what her book entails??? Haha…In our parting she also told me, “Make sure and email me and let me know how South Korea goes,” handing me a tip for driving. I was happy about this because Transportation Services was not going to reimburse me for any tolls that I paid.

However impressive Jill may have been, her story did not compare to Immaculee Ilibagiza’s testimony of surviving the Rwanda Genocide. She scooted forward in the van and started sharing her story with great conviction. She is a woman who has seen too much. She was in hiding for 91 days. Immaculee continued, unfolding the story of how she waited and prayed until God told her she could come out of hiding. She said something about the tribes fighting and she expounded on her first days in America and how things miraculously came together for her. It was hard to catch all of the story by this point because we were now hitting toll booths and then I had to find the right terminal and such. However, I can always read her autobiography, Left to Tell:
http://www.lefttotell.com/
Apparently there is also a documentary…

The other passengers I did not have very many interactions with, but their names are as follows:

Benita Somerfield – who has written education books and is the Executive Director of the Barbara Bush Foundation For Family Literacy
http://www.state.gov/p/io/unesco/members/49088.htm

Kyle Jennings
Tim VanDam
Julie Cooke

These last three I am not sure of which profile is their’s under a google search. I didn’t research a lot though, so I’m sure I could figure it out by what they do for a living.

At one point in the drive, I realized that these people completely trusted me as their driver. Haha, though they might have thought me to be unprofessional (which I most certainly am), driving with my little yellow paper with handwritten directions and digging through my wallet for toll money after waiting in a long line… However, they had no idea that I was terrified, that I had no experience, and that I was winging this entire trip. They probably just thought, “Young, inexperienced, college student trying to make a living.” Pretty accurate if you ask me! One of the men asked me, “How much longer until we get to the airport?” I thought, “Ha! Your guess is as good as mine!” Instead, I answered, “About twenty minutes, depending on traffic.” I figured that adding the part about Houston traffic would keep me safe. I realized that I could do this and in fact had no choice but to…it’s just a job and I’m perfectly equipped to do it. I can drive and speak English. That means I can get to the airport. (good luck in Korea)…haha

Thankfully, I got everyone to the airport alive and in time for their flights…and even without getting lost! That was quite a feat for me! Praise Jesus! I suppose that this was just a little step of faith…a journey of walking out my confidence in Christ and in who He’s made me to be. Only as I looked to Him during the trip did I find the confidence I needed. Maybe for some people this would not be scary at all. I’m here to say, that’s not true for me. I had to rest in the Lord and know that He would get me through this! Haha…and He did!

Later that night I was hanging out at Freebirds with some friends and Mark said with interest, “So I heard you signed yourself up for a drive in a 15 passenger van…what’s that all about?” We all laughed, and everyone wanted to know where they could sign themselves up for the next adventure…I think one might have been enough for me…but who knows, maybe next time I’ll drive Barbara Bush herself…

I will say, the most profound thing that was said that day came from the other driver I had met. After talking about how I was scared to drive these “important” people, he kindly and wisely said, “Everyone’s important. They’re just more well-known.”

That was all I needed to hear, and I was reminded of my identity in Christ and how we are all important, no matter what we do, what we look like, etc. Every soul has eternal significance! That phrase ministered to me and he didn’t even know it! Thankfully I am fully known by God even if I am dirt on the floor to this world. That’s all I really need to know deep in my heart. Grasping this abstract concept of identity in Christ is a lifelong process, but a process that should never be abandoned. I am a diamond in the rough and He is chiseling me out of the rocks and dirt, and refining and polishing me. (thank goodness for that!)

Graham Cooke, Wednesday Afternoon 1

2008-05-01T11:52:00.000-05:00

http://gracefellowship.libsyn.com/index.php?post_category=2005%20GOIAM%20Conference

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Graham Cooke Wednesday Afternoon 1

These journals all came out of my four months a year in mediation. They’re mostly about the Lord and my relationship with him. They take about two hours to read and a month to study. Each one has exercises to bring you into experiences of what they’re talking about.

When Jesus asked his disciples, who do people say that I am? He got four distorted images. Eh? Various names, prophets and even an unmade one just in case. Then he asked, who do you say that I am? That is the most important question in the world, “who is God for you.” Who God is for you is the single most important thing. Our role in leadership is to help ppl come to understand who God is for you in the context of your life. Ppl need to have an upgraded view of who God is.

Then there’s one on crafted prayer…if I came up to you and said I had a word for you and walked away…what’d your question be? Dude what is it? I want to know… Right now Jesus is standing at the right hand of the Father intercessing for you. What are you going to ask Him now? What’s your question? What’s he praying? Now if you know the holy spirit is praying for you…what is your question? What if you are the three fold part of the three fold part of prayer which means you can always have your prayers answered? Many evangelicals…teach that when something happens you prayer. I believe that is a mistake. You do not enter the presence of God through prayer…you enter through thanksgiving. If you pray without seriously giving thanks then you are more likely to pray out of your fear and trauma and anxiety, panic…God I pray that you’ll do this, and Father do this…o, o, do this… and you can see the Father sitting there going, what is this, multiple choice? What if there is only one prayer to pray? What if we are supposed to pray with the answer and not towards it? Eh? Crafted Prayer.

I love to spend all my time in the presence of God. I’d love to be a hermit. My favorite time is in the wilderness. I believe that God is pleased with you when he takes you into the wilderness. Jesus is the model. His baptism, heaven opens, holy spirit descends in bodily form yahoo, a voice says This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased ...next thing: wilderness. I’ve heard a lot of stuff preached about the wilderness..I do believe that there are a lot of different wilderness experiences but I believe they can all be about delight. You either enter wilderness by design or by default.

Moses entered by default: he murdered a man. After mount carmel the prophet went to the wilderness b/c he was scared of jezebel…God said what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be on that mountain, get there. Wilderness is designed to take you to a place with no distraction so you can meet with the Lord and be delighted. In wilderness he provides everything for you and he loves that. He works in two ways: hiddenness and manifestation. He loves to reveal himself get down in your world and say, ta-da here I am. There are times when he comes to you and there are other times when he withdraws from you b/c he wants to pull you into his world. So he works both ways…manifestation is when God comes to you and you feel him physically. In your emotions, head, heart, etc. You feel him and it’s wonderful.

There are times when God pulls away from you and removes himself from your emotions. He works through hiddenness and is not in your emotions and he brings revelation to you. Walking through renewal you can see those ppl of manifestation—they’re the ones making barnyard noises and dancing like an octopus on crack. Then there are those who came out and they had just been prayed for and they were like the rock of Gebraltar. When you come to a renewal meeting you need to come with a journal and pen. For you it’s not receiving stuff in your emotions. It’s about receiving wisdom and revelation. God has things to say to you and you need to soak in revelation. So here’s these two guys on the road of ameaus. They’re miserable. Jesus says, why the long faces? They say to Jesus, are you the only one who hasn’t heard of all the things and Jesus? Jesus being the rascal he is says, what things? The truth is you cannot receive deep truths when God is present b/c he is too much of a distraction. When he is present you have to worship b/c that is what it’s all about. Jesus’ disciples couldn’t understand anything when Jesus was there but when Jesus left then they received great revelation.

Okay that’s enough of the commercials.

I have two aspects of my ministry: One, I want to make God radiant to people. That’s the chief role of a prophet. I have the best job in the world…I get paid for bragging on God. Second, I function as a consultant to help churches through transition. I usually work with a church for 3-5 years, depending on the nature of the transition. Some are from good local churches to resource churches. Funny thing when you develop into a resource church all your resources come under attack. There is a particular pathway to develop a resource church. Then resource churches developing into an apostolic centers. Which is a whole different warfare and paradigm for preparation. I love that whole process b/c it’s not just about prophesying the thing but to help pave the way.

So the process of transition…
I wrote the book of prophesy for the evangelicals who hate prophesy in hopes that one day they’ll like it.

There is a contradiction with prophesy…you can’t there through here…he gives you a prophesy about your future and while you stood there is praise then he trips you up throws you in a dark room and beats the living daylights out of you. How many have had prophetic words and the opposite thing has happened to you. You start to think false prophet eh? There is a contradiction in prophesy and contradiction is the journey from revelation to manifestation. Contradiction is the journey from prophesy spoken to prophesy fulfilled. The process of seeing the prophetic fulfilled is first of all God gives you a word about your future and that is supposed to mean you got one. A little clue there.

Then what happens next, God starts to confront all the stuff in front of you that will prevent that future from materializing. So you don’t go from revelation straight into a manifestion of what God is doing…you go from revelation to confrontation. Instead of going up, you actually go down. Joseph got a word that one day his father and brothers would bow down at him; the next thing he is at the bottom of a pit looking up at them. His life has gone in the opposite direction. God doesn’t reveal the process of how the prophesy will be fulfilled. So there is nothing in the word about how he’ll be sold as a slave, about him being thrown into prison for being a potential rapist, nothing about him actually interpreting dreams to a world leader of his time.

It’s like david, it’s just a normal Thursday looking after the sheep and he’s a little bored. He looks down and sees a commotion going on and then someone comes to get him. Then he gets a quick scrub around his face..just behave yourself. All his brothers are lined up there looking all glum. His dad is making daddy faces, behave or I’ll give you a good talking later; behave yourself because Samuel is here. There’s Samuel, and David is quaking…what have I done wrong? I haven’t done anything that necessitates Samuel coming. The Samuel says, He’s the one. David thinks what have I done now? Samuel says things about him to be King. David thinks, cool, what a great Thursday this is turning out to be. He’s thinking about palaces, mucho dinero, I’ll never have a problem with getting girls again...what a great life.

Nothing in that prophesy about being chased around the world by a megalomaniac, hiding in holes, never sleeping in the same place nights running…forgot to mention that, Sam, huh?! His life went in the opposite direction. God took him into a season of preparation. When God gives you a prophetic word he holds the future in your hands. I know the plans I have for you but unless you allow me to touch this, this and this then this will probably not happen. So he plunges you into a season of confrontation where he lovingly confronts you with everything that will prevent you from realizing that future.

But for God it’s never just about confrontation but also about transformation. Confrontation and transformation go together. So He sends the holy spirit into your life and convict you about your sin and to convince you of who Jesus is for you. The holy spirit will never convict you of sin without convincing you of who Jesus is for you. That is why sin abounds, grace can much abound because in the grace we get convinced of who Jesus is for us. We realize what we need to put off and what to put on. If this is true for individuals then this is also true for the church. When you get prophetic words over your church then ther are seasons of preparation. The bible says ps 106 about joseph that until the word of the Lord came to pass that same word tested him. There is a shaking that goes on in confrontation. Even the things that God has promised you come under challenge at some point. Contradiction is the journey from revelation to manifestation.

There was one guy I prophesied to who got really upset. He said I am so angry with you b/c I have aids and I’ve been given four months to live and I came here needing a word about my condition and all I got was this crap about ministry and stuff. I told him that that meant he was meant to live then. Here you have a word for months and this one for your ministry in the next few years. I think that means you get to live. You choose. You came in here concerned about AIDS and God isn’t so you get to live.

Two years later this guy comes bouncing up to me and asks, do you remember me? I said, no. He said he was the guy with AIDS and he said, I was really annoyed that you didn’t pray for my sickness. I didn’t know why you wouldn’t pray for my sickness. So I thought about the word you gave me and realized that if I took hold of the word then it would be health to my flesh. I could have told him that but he wouldn’t have received it. Some ppl just have to get it for themselves and you have to be quiet and allow the holy spirit to tell them.

Contradiction is a journey. Your life will go in the opposite direction but only for a season. God wants to confront the things in you that don’t work

I love the Lord b/c when the Lord convicts of sin he always has a gift. The holy spirit always has gifts..it’s just in his nature…he comforts…in so many ways. I believe that as leaders we have a gift to give to ppl. Our best gift is that we see ppl the way that God sees them and we speak to that. Eh? I think that one of our gifts should be that we understand the ways of God. That is wisdom…that we know how God thinks and we know how God likes to do things so you automatically align yourself with what he thinks and does stuff. He’s going to do it whether you like it or not. He’s totally consistent in his nature but unpredictable in how he does things. God won’t do things the way you think he should b/c God runs with different logic than we have…it’s called faith.

So this is the template for dealing with ppl. Every time God teaches you something then he tests you on it and each test is designed to establish the experience. You can’t fail any of the tests of God; you just get to take it again and again and again and again and again and again and again. If it was up to me I’d fail you straight up but God insists on being gracious. So he lets you take the test numerous times until you pass. I wish it wasn’t true as well but it flippin well is, so there.

We must enable ppl to be brilliant. That’s our real job. We’re not here to manage the church we’re here to help every single member understand who God is for them, who they are in Christ, how to have a brilliant relationship with the holy spirit, how to understand their destiny and move towards it, and how to be a man/woman with absolute excellence. That’s our job so we need to understand the process by which that is going to happen. PPl need to have a revelation of who they are in Christ and who God is for them.

One of my friends contracted cancer and my question was, What is it that God wants to be for you now that you are sick? Start there before we even start praying for the sickness...we entered into a dialogue. Not a discussion—that’s when a decision needs to be made. A dialogue is there to explore all the possibilities and have no intention of making a decision right then. She came to a place of understanding in her heart that God wanted to be her wholeness and not her healer. Ppl come to a place of complete revelation they are fully persuaded and are convinced… faith rises when you hear the holy spirit…faith was rising and prayer became fun and we weren’t praying like a widow but as a bride…like Esther. We must pray prayers that arise out of a romance b/c we are incredibly loved. He will not deny us anything b/c he loves us. We are praying out of a place of intimacy and favor and romance and love. It’s confidence to call down. We need to start asking the Lord to open windows in heaven. We need to have a third heaven experience. Too much warfare is earth bound and we are stabbing upward. If we are heaven bound then we’ll stab downward. We have to get to that place …then you can do in 2 years what would take 5.

We are coming to a times where there is a “let there be” word…it’ll be spoken again before Jesus comes back. The gap btw prophesy spoken and prophesy fulfilled is becoming narrower and narrower…Why? B/c God is redeeming time. He is looking for therefore is a ppl who are truly prophetic in how they live. They don’t just visit prophesy when all else has failed. They actually live there b/c they are a prophetic generation. They live by every word that comes out of the mouth of God.

We need ppl to be released into a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Jesus. Every person in your care needs to come under that spirit. It is our pleasure and joy to release that. I need you to see who you are in Jesus and what God wants to be for you now. You need to come under a spirit of wisdom so that you can understand the mind of God and you understand the way God is working right now…then you’ll get a revelation of how to position yourself because of who you are and who you’re supposed to become. When you understand the revelation then you move into confrontation—the next square on the journey.

I enjoy loving confrontation. I don’t enjoy it b/c I like problems b/c I don’t. What I like most about confrontation is declaring who you are supposed to be I the Lord. Declaring the problem and the provision. This is who you are. I like working with the transition. Every problem comes with a provision attached. That is the goodness and grace of God. It’s how he thinks, works and how he is. Love covers a multitude of sin. There’s always love next to sin. There is always grace next to sin. Where sin abounds grace much more abounds. In that love and grace there is a gift that God wants to give that will replace the problem. We have the pleasure and joy of telling people. I’m excited when I see sin in the church b/c the only time you see sin proves that the holy spirit is at work. When you sin the holy spirit will straight to it and duke it out. Better to have sin present than sin hidden. If it’s present it’s b/c the holy spirit has brought it out of the ground. We need to partner with ppl and the holy spirit and do it joyfully. I’m so happy with where you are right now b/c you need to see this about Jesus.

There is only one way to get rid of the pleasures of this world and that is by introducing the pleasure of being outrageously loved by God. Then all other things pale in comparison. We have a great job of enabling ppl to become brilliant in Jesus. We need to love our job. We need to feel romantic about the church as leaders. We need to feel about the bride as Jesus does. We need to love our ppl and love seeing them transformed. Yah there are guys I’d like to gorot in love. But you know I can get over it real quick. Yah there are ppl that are incredible grace growers…they are there to grow grace in your life.

My first years in ministry I was followed around by three guys. They felt they were on a mission from God to save ppl from me. I was the first to start a school of prophesy in England. So they would find out where I was going and visit that city first and warn everyone about me and print leaflets and show up at the events and would chastise me. He’d say that I was demonized. I was crying out to the Lord, dear Lord please kill ‘em and make it slow. He didn’t answer that prayer so I modified it—just mame them. He didn’t answer that either. They would still come and they’d sit right in the front row taking notes looking like the Brother’s Grimm and would produce a newsletter detailing all the stuff and send me a copy. Gosh… They showed up for two years every single event…we used to call them the three stooges.

Then one night I had a dream and I have a lot of dreams and they usually start with me in the throne room with the Lord. I sit on his lap my arm around his shoulder and we’re just chatting. The he said, Grey do you want to see something? Yah! He gave his command and this angel wheels in this block of marble. Then he says, you want to see something else? Yah…He spoke over his shoulder and Jesus comes into view and then he digs his finger into the marble tracing a figure and he gives me a slow wink. The Father says, do you want to see it made? Sure. So three hands with hammer and chisel start chipping away at the marble. The marble says, you know they’d work faster if you encourage them. So I said, okay chaps all power to your elbow. And the Lord said, What was that? I said, well you know… so I started shouting and there is pandemonium in heaven and then I’m on the edge of the throne holding onto the father for balance and pointing and then there’s lots of encouragement and laughter…Then it’s finished and I’m absolutely warn out. The father said, what do you think. I started crying… then the father said, that’s how I see you—that’s what I’m making you into. He asked if I’d like to see the three ppl behind the hands. I said yes. Then out popped the three stooges…and I started screaming! AHHHH! I woke up my wife yelling…I know why the stooges are here!

A few weeks later my secretary tells me that the stooges have booked in and I can’t wait. There they are with their placards…my boys. I bounce up to them and say, “how are you guys? You’re so faithful! You come to every event!” I can hear them, he’s on drugs…just look at him. Now I know why they are here…they are here to assist me to become brilliant. There they are…my three babies…handsome aren’t they? Like the three kings. Your perspective changes your position. And your position alters your petition. Before I asked for God to kill them and now I am so grateful. Now I’m thinking, what are they here to do? So they challenge me on every single thing I say so I need to be ahead of them. So these guys actually push me to become a brilliant teacher. They push me into revelation. They push me in everything. They push me me into a place of grace that was foundational. They are the ppl you’d love to cheerfully give away…but they are here for a reason.

Confrontation…what is it that is going to prevent your church from moving into the next level? What obstacles are there? What opposition is up in front of you now? What is the transformation that God wants to bring? Let’s get excited about things against us b/c standing right next to us is something marvelous. What is that? That is God. He allows in his wisdom what he could easily prevent with his power.

What are you up to Father? I know you. You are always up to stuff…God is brilliant…knows exactly what’s going on…has everything worked out… it’s confidence in the nature of God for you…ask him what he is up to…every problem comes with a provision attached to it. Right around the provision is a promise…Step into the problem holding onto the promise knowing that there is a provision. Every problem you get is an opportunity to prove the word that God gives you. The word is a key to open the experience and provision he wants you to have. This is the stuff we lose b/c we don’t understand the nature of how things work in the heart and mind of God. Transformation…contend with ppl for their transformation. I won’t let you go until you’re brilliant and if you’re not going to become brilliant in this life then I’ll kill you and make you brilliant in the next one.

You must see what God has for you…I need you to see this transformation that is available…otherwise you won’t ever get past the stuff. You’ll always be dealing with the stuff. Let’s get past this stuff so you can take what God has for you. I’m the same with churches too…I can stand up and say things like, guys I’m disappointed b/c last time this was released and nothing has happened. You guys have not moved into it. I make an assessment… there is a jump you can make here in the spirit and you need to make it…

Transition…my first question is in the leadership: do they have it in them to make the jump? All transition comes through battle: Two battles…to get free and to stay free. To take ground and to keep it. We have to fight…we must ask about our leadership if they have it in them. Are their best fights behind them or ahead of them. We must ask this about our leadership. A good fight is one that you don’t lose--you win b/c when you fully walking with God you are condemned to victory. You’d have to be an idiot to lose this fight, eh? Are their best battles ahead or behind? We have to determine, was all their fighting to get us to this place? The how do we honor them and at the same time divest them of their power in leadership if they’re not going to be the best for us in the future. How do you do this with honor. They’re not going to be good enough for the next season. There’s probably going to be a supporting role and they’ll be brilliantly productive but for right now we need a Joshua to take us into this next place. Who is that? Who among us have a hunger for the battle?

This is my 33rd year of ministry and I actually think that this has all been training for the season ahead of me. I think that the best battles are to come. I know the mind of God and I say that with genuine humility b/c that is what wisdom is…knowing the way God thinks and how he does things. Then going into situations and going, this is what the Lord’s doing and this is how we need to align ourselves…I am so excited with the war that is coming…we get to be excited on the battlefield. You have never laughed until you have heard God laugh at his enemies.

How do you walk with a God that when you get on a battlefield you are thinking about strategies and tactics. God is thinking about menus…He’s thinking what kind of sandwiches, cakes, coke, diet coke for strange ppl…what do we have for lunch….dinner….He’s so confident in his own ability. He can reduce your army by 99% because he may not have fun in it’s present form. He changes your army by whether he likes the way you drink water or not. What’s that about? Gideon must have been pulling out his hair. He’s thinking dear God if everyone fights to their best ability then maybe we’d have a chance. God mentions to his angels, o Gideon might have too many ppl down there. This may not be fun. Besides I know these dudes..if by some fluke they get a victory they’ll be impossible to live with giving high fives going we’re bad. So he gives the word: anyone who is scared right now can go home. 22,000 people can’t believe their luck! This is a contemporary story, burning rubber in the parking lot…now 10,000 guys outnumbered 16 to 1. Dear God it used to be 4 to 1.. we have to kill four and then have a coffee…now the sergeants are saying just got to kill 16 and you can have a McDonald’s too. Then God says nah, there’s still too many eh? Send them down to the river and he ends up with 300. The guys are standing in a line thinking, what did I do wrong? I paid my tithe. I worked in the Sunday school, I’ve even worked the PA. What did I do wrong? My mom told me never to leave the Baptists…What am I doing here? Another sergeant comes along and says God want your shield. What do you need my shield for it’s the only thing btw me and certain death. What does God need it for? That’s a big pile of shields. Then this truck pulls of with vases…here’s a vase. Thanks. Then another truck shows up and they start handing out trumpets. Now I got a vase in one hand and trumpet in the other. One guy goes, Gideon, I can’t play the trumpet. If I’m holding a vase and a trumpet, which hand do I hold my sword with? Gideon’s sweating profusely. And God says, Gideon do you want a prophesy? Well yes. So God says well go down to the enemy’s camp and I’ll give you one. Can I not have one here? And so this is like form the planet bizarro eh? This is just the Lord having fun. I do believe that he wrote most of the Monty Python scripts eh? Someone explain to me then, how Gideon…The enemy has at least 160,000 men…acres and acres of canvas…he’s walking around their camp tripping on things thinking, I hate my life. So how did he end up outside the one tent where a guy that just had a bizarre dream? Gideon is thinking I don’t’ know what I am doing; I should never have got into the ministry. The guy screams “ahh ijust had a dream…that this huge brown loaf of bread came crashing down and destroyed our camp!” “That’s the sword of Gideon!” Gideon is going, brown loaf of bread, sword—I don’t get it. The enemy is prophesying their own destruction. Then Gideon neals down and worships God. That’s how bizarre your life is supposed to be…The thing is beloved, we walk with a guy who is hugely confident…I mean look around the room…that’s confidence...have you looked at yourselves? haha, he chose us. What were you thinking? He is so confident in his own ability. It’s such a delight to follow a confident God.

I hope that you are getting the fact that you are supposed to live a life where you are delighted with God and delighted with who you are and who you are becoming. I am so intrigued by the man I am to become and I like the journey that is taking me there.

God doesn’t get disillusioned with us b/c he didn’t have an illusions in the first place. He knew exactly what he was taking on and what you were like. He is not put off by anything. He wants to give you the same heart for the ppl that he has put in your care. It’s about transformation. I confront ppl because I get annoyed with the hindrances they are living with and I can see the transformation that God wants to do and I am so desperate for them to make that connection b/c I want to see the word of God manifested in their live. I want to see the actuality of it. A prophesy spoke five years ago…it’s about time you see it happen. I want to see God manifested in their life…God is absolutely intentional…about everything. He has absolute intension toward you and is focused on it..

Anyway I can feel a caffeine spirit…eh? Haha so let me pray to seal some of these things and then we can go get a cup of coffee..

Guys please, please, I want you to get it. That God absolutely adores you…who he is for you and who you get to be for ppl. There is an excitement here! There are transformations that belong to us in the spirit b/c of what Jesus has done for us. They jolly well belong to me. I am quite intense about it as you can see. I am. If I could slice off the tops of ppl’s heads and crown Jesus into them and then stitch them back together I jolly well would! I am so passionate to see ppl become who they’re supposed to be. I adore the church and want to see her take her rightful place and to be the best thing in the world. We’re not married to God yet so we are the girlfriend of God. So turn to your neighbor and say hello girlfriend…haha…you see all the guys go dude…haha…

Father thank you. You have such joy in us…such joy and you are utterly magnificent. You are astonishing, astounding, amazing, incredible… God we can only ever think and talk about you…everything is possible b/c you are with us and for us. My prayer right now Lord is that we’d all be filled with the possibility of delight. You are so delighted with me…I know I feel it and I know it. In the hardest place of my life in my most broken place you are delighted…my prayer is that we’d be filled with your joy over us that we’d learn to laugh again and practice the art of belly laughing….fighting is wild…it can be funny…Jesus was only acquainted with grief, it wasn’t a lifelong friend. I want us to understand that we are the beloved of God. It is our pleasure to be the voice of God. Holy spirit I love you so much. Please put a conviction in my heart and a persuasion in my mind that I am outrageously loved…

Okay let’s go have a coffee…

Graham Cooke, Tuesday Afternoon 2

2008-05-01T11:51:00.001-05:00

http://gracefellowship.libsyn.com/index.php?post_category=2005%20GOIAM%20Conference

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Graham Cooke Tuesday Afternoon 2

1 Peter 2:4-10

You also as living stones are being built up

You are a choice stone…

This stone is for those who believe, but is a stumbling block for those who do not believe…

You are chosen to be of royal priesthood. People for God’s possession so that you may proclaim the excellences of Him who has called you out of darkness into His light. You have now received mercy.

The question in change is: How can we sow for tomorrow when we are still reaping today from things we did in the past? There are mindsets; people have mindset.. Romans 8 says that a mindset on the flesh is death. Everyone has mindsets…part of our leadership role is to teach ppl that that mindset won’t get you anywhere. You need to change your mindset.

Sometimes ppl are bothered by something they did in their past. I remind them that God doesn’t care now and that you have to let it go. If you want to be dead to it you’ll be a new creation. If all you’ve thought about it has brought you to this place, well, then have another thought. Think again. What could you think about? Have another thought. Repent. Change the way you think.

We don’t’ realize that when we try to control ppl we are not allowing the holy spirit to work in ppl. We need to think about our attitudes.. what is the Kingdom attitude about homosexuality? What do you do if God brings a pedophile to your church. Who are we for everyone? What is God like? What would you do if God brought a general who used to be in the occult? What do we do about these things?

Who is Jesus for you? What kind of church are you supposed to have? What is the corporate anointing on this house? Every church has a specific anointing…they need to figure it out. IT’s important to get a hold of ppl’s dreams b/c that will help you with what God has for the church.

You are precious in the sight of God. I know that I am loved outrageously. I will go through what I have gone through again b/c what I have inherited far surpasses any pain that I have experienced. The places that God has taken me in the spirit….

Jesus worked with three ppl before He left them…it takes at least three years for a paradigm to change in the Body. We need to look at the future…who will we be in the next year? We need to keep our change continual.

The course change is gradual so that it’s not even that noticeable. There is an art to change. People will move towards it b/c they love it. When God prophesied to you it’s because he is saying, “this is who I see you to be” He’s seeing you in the future and speaking from a place of reality. A reality in the future. You need to go into that future and figure out what kind of person you need to become to fulfill that role. Follow that prophetic destiny. You start becoming that person….you take on the characteristics in the present that God declares for the future.

Abraham has a visitation (gen. 17-18)..from this point you’ll be here…Sarah laughed…God asks, what are you laughing about? God stops and says to the angels, ‘shall I declare to Abraham what I am going to do since I am about to do this?” He starts relating to you in the way you’ll be in the future. When God speaks to your future then he starts to behave towards you as if it is the future. He links the present to the personality He sees in the future.

A lot of our ppl are present-past…they let the past affect the present. Baggage vs. luggage. Your bags have always been packed by someone else. Can you imagine going on vacation and allowing your bags to be packed by your worst enemy? You get to florida and its all winter clothes. That’s what it’s like to live with the past in the present…your bags are always packed by others. You need to pack your bags in anticipation of what’s going to happen and always leave room for things to bring back. That’s the difference btw baggage and luggage. God is not obsessed by sin; he is consumed by life. God doesn’t see sin because of Jesus. He doesn’t see what’s there—he sees what’s missing. Everything is seen through grace. Btw that judgment and the next we are living in a time of grace. We don’t see what’s wrong we see what’s missing.

Lust—it’s not about that sin…what’s missing? Holiness. So prophesy holiness over that person. The last thing you need is to be told that you are in sin…we know that…you are consumed with what you are not. You need to be encouraged to be who God is making you to be. Don’t let yourself be disinherited.

“The Lord wants to drench you in holiness”

“The Lord has a dream about you that requires you to be drenched in holiness.”

We are on this journey and God has given us a whole bunch of ppl. Some are present-past and some are present-future. We need to all be present-future. We draw the line btw the present and the future…

In any group of ppl you have three types of ppl: Enablers, Initiators, and Resisters. Ppl who make things happen, help to make things happen, and those who hinder it. You cannot build your church on resisters…they are like the poor—you’ll always have them.

If you want to talk about dreams, talk about it in small groups and start with ppl that have a dream and make sure you know what it is. Initiators are pioneers and they’ll make things happen. They are go-getters. They’re happy with starting with nothing. Quite often they are frustrated. I like that. I’d rather have 50 frustrated than 500 apathetic. But I’m okay with frustration b/c it means that they care about something. Sometimes I wont’ go to a church b/c there’s not enough frustration. Frustration means that ppl are ready to pay a price. He builds our frustration to a point that we’re willing to do anything…get out of a boat and walk on water. The last thing I want to do is try to be a catalyst in a damp place. Instead you need to pray b/c it’s not time. You have to be ready to make that move…

With a building prophet you get a different ministry than an encouraging prophet. A building prophet prophesies the next level and then helps you build a staircase to get to the next level. The encourager comes, encourages, and then goes.

We don’t want renewal that doesn’t last. We want to take a battle to get the ground and a battle to keep the territory. That’s a different fight. So building prophets establish something—we don’t just talk about it. We are here to pave the way. Here are the steps you need to take next. We need to get a hold of the dreams of our initiators…they are pioneers, they are frustrated, they want to get out there and do something.

God never had a problem naming ppl but he had a problem numbering them. All of David’s mighty men had a name. They had a name and a name for something. Don’t ever number your ppl b/c numbers are irrelevant. God changes names out of something significant happening. You should always name the ppl you can build on. Name the initiators. Who will get out there and make things happen? Who will help to pull these things forward? Who are the ppl you can get behind?

Who are your enablers? They help make things happen. They may not have a lot of initiative, but they’ll get behind stuff when they see it staring. Point of the spear are the initiators and the shaft are the enablers. You need both and they work together.

Who are these ppl? These are the ppl we’ll start with. You can not build on resisters. It’s like building on a sponge. You have to start with ppl that are moved by something. You’ll build on the initiators and enablers. They have a level of ability and desire.

Resisters…are newly faithed and are learning to walk out their freedom and their faith. There should always be legitimate resisters b/c we’re helping to set them free. We need to bless them to a point that they can walk out of the bondage. Illegitimate resisters are the ones who need help to walk out of the pit but won’t give you any authority in their life. They want a place in ministry but there are places in their life that have not been dealt with. You know the ppl who have not gone through the fire. You get a witness in your spirit.

You need to start with a small place. Start to enfranchise the ones that we know are trustworthy. Look at their dreams and establish them. Then start branching out. It grows exponentially. It doesn’t take long to turn a church around. You just need focus. Start with what you got and work from there.

It is important for us to be set free if our ppl are going to be set free. Church leaders need to be able to set ppl free from the money game, the power game, and the prestige game. We have to be released form that. We’ve got to find faith in God for the corporate man he has given us. And there is a kingdom place God wants to open us up to. He doesn’t want to keep us isolated from the kingdom. He wants to build the church for the kingdom. If we leave out the kingdom we don’t fulfill the heart of God. God mentions the kingdom more than the church. The kingdom is more important. We have to have a philosophy that says other churches matter. We need to have a ppl that have an apostolic mindset so that they are looking out to the rest of the city. A network is the means to an end not the end itself. We spend our lives building the kingdom. We need to create an environment to grow up in the kingdom. We have a network of 8000 churches in 44 countries out of a bunch of students years ago. From the Pentecostal all the way to ppl who couldn’t spell prayer.

We wanted to do an evangelistic campus crusade…on the third night the holy spirit fell and we never did that crusade but we were all speaking in tongues that night. Then we got thrown out of every church in the city b/c we were considered to be too radical, but this was England in the ‘70s. if you could spell apostle you were radical. We were feeling uneasy about starting a church. The only place we could get was room for the blind and the deaf. God is funny eh?

So we didn’t know what we wanted. We knew what we didn’t want. So we kept asking God and had endless dialogue for about a year. Then we saw that the New Testament is mostly about relationships. So we started living like it spoke of…encouraging one…loving one another…years later there are 8000 churches. They’re all still together. We’ve not had anyone leave us. We found a way of living with God and living with one another. Our prayer has never been ‘holy spirit come. It’s holy spirit don’t leave us’ It’s not how do we get him here, it’s how do we get the holy spirit to stay.

God lives in our relationships and in the way we live. God often describe himself as Abraham Issac and Jacob. That’s a three generational punch in his heart. Fathers need to become patriarchal , or in the new testament apostolic.

God had them dismantle everything we knew and to sow ourselves into the greater kingdom. So the work of 25 years…We are working with the Lord to sow this into the soil to see something bigger. In our own city we began to see other churches and where they were struggling and we’d help them. We’d lend them our best worship team for six months knowing that some of them might not come back. We’d lend them some of our best leaders, knowing that some of them wouldn’t come back. And God really blessed us outrageously.

We do leader development all the time b/c you have to keep leaders up to pace with the growth. We have to have leaders ready to step up when we grow. You don’t develop leaders after you grow. You do it beforehand so you have leaders ready when you grow.

The Lord would begin to give us names and we’d say, they’re not ready yet…but then this course of leadership exploded with the presence of God. God gave us a quickening spirit…what would normally take 5 years he did in one year. How does God redeem time? He speeds up your development. What could take 5 yrs he does in one.

We sent out our worship team that we had developed for years… and God used these ppl he grew up in three months…and they could lead us into a deep place of worship.
By the end of that time, we had more worshippers than we knew what to do with. God did things we had never expected.

God said, do you know why I’m blessing you? b/c I trust you with the kingdom. It’s one thing to trust the Lord and it’s quite another thing to be trusted by the Lord. He made us into a catalyst; a generous catalyst that could give things away knowing that God would always provide. Our apostolic abilities was not for just our network but for all churches whether they liked it or not. We’ve given hundreds of thousands of dollars away, leadership, etc. We’ve supported two churches salaries. It’s a fascinating thing when you give yourselves away to the kingdom—you get outrageously blessed.

Give away to another ministry. Sow something. Always sow something that you want to grow into. I teach my children this as a principle. I told my son to sow into other drummers that he wanted to grow into. So he found some really good drummers and served them and sowed into their music and he has become quite an outstanding drummer. He’s taught this band about sowing and reaping and they are all pre-christian. Always sow into the area that you want to move into. You can never stop sowing. Never eat your seed. You need to be sowing your seed. You want to reap out there somewhere…the place where you’re moving into. That’s why it’s so important to get ppl to dream outside of themselves.

Don’t’ make the mistake of trying to make change from the pulpit on Sunday morning. If you want transformation then you start with the ppl that are already hungry for it. If you want radical renewal you start with the ppl who are already frustrated. You don’t start with ppl that want things to stay the same.

We need to create momentum to the place that we are going. So we need to start with ppl that are already yearning for something more. When they start to move, trust me the resisters will move.

There was one church I was going to and the Lord wouldn’t tell me anything about this church. 30 minutes from the church the Lord showed him a picture of a church and said, “son we’re going to punch a hole in it and let it sink below the water line and let all the rats leave and then patch it up again.” This was a church of 700ppl. Over the next few wks we lost about 540 ppl. You can only lose the ppl who are not with you anyway. The truth is they don’t belong with you. They belong somewhere else.

So we punched a hole and patched it and several months later they were back up to 1100 ppl. The problem is the catalysts were outweighed by the resisters. We had a leadership that wanted everyone to be in unity. But in those circumstances it just isn’t possible. We had a bunch of ppl dedicated to making sure this ship didn’t go anywhere. But now it’s moving and going some place and we have ppl on board that want to go to the next level and beyond.

Every person has a box which is a vision of what the church is to you. What are the threats against you? What are the things that keep you from seeing how God sees the chruhc? What is your box? Start thinking out of the box. The only time God put himself in a box, he said, “you touch this box and I’ll kill you.”

Go some place beyond the box. Create momentum. When you have the enablers and initiaters turned around then you move out to others. They’ll grow up.

Occupy yourselves with the things that matter and you’ll see change in three years. Three years is the minimum time—it’s a quickening spirit. If we give ourselves to this change then God will attract a quickening spirit. There is a divine acceleration in the world right now. And we need to attract it into our locality. How do we do that? We get a bunch of ppl in harmony moving in the same direction. That bunch of ppl will create a momentum in the spirit that will attract acceleration.

We must redeem time as a matter of absolute urgency. We must get in the program with the holy spirit. We must show ourselves faithful to the course so that the Lord will quicken our growth. Train ppl to run with God. To move with speed and pace. There are ppl in your church right now who are longing to run. Most ppl are probably fed up with where they’re at right now. What is the level of boredom? What is your level of boredom?

I adore the church. I love the church. With all her idiosyncrasies. I have never been so excited in my life. We’ve gone through astonishing transition. We are passionate for each others dreams and we have an obsession with the presence of God and we are in love with the Kingdom so that we tear down everything that is not of the kingdom. We have a sense of responsibility for the region. We have a quickening spirit upon us. God trusts us with the Kingdom.

My goal in coming here…well I know that the stuff so far that I’ve said you are not strangers to…you’re just realizing that you’re not mad. I’m confirming what’s in your hearts already. You’re realizing that this is possible. New testament prophets are mostly of confirmation anyway—confirming what you’re already hearing. The Lord is saying, now is the time. The dream in your heart, it’s time to have it fulfilled. This is possible.

I believe there is a season of divine acceleration available. I believe that your church could make 5 years growth in one year. God will redeem your time. You need to position yourselves to receive it.

So in the next year or two there is a divine acceleration…you have to manage it in the right way…manage it with the holy spirit. We’ve got to get a place where we’re not playing catch-up but we are there and present and the holy spirit needs to fall on us.

I know that there is a level of frustration here and that is your catalyst. That is a season of divine acceleration. To have God do something quick. He needs our cooperation.

The first time I heard of divine acceleration it was by one of my mentors. That guy was actually mentored by Smith Wigglesworth. I asked, so how do I get God to move quickly in my life? He said, well you need to die at a faster rate than you are dying right now. You need to see who God is for you and what God wants to become. Come and present yourselves to God and say I want you to be that for me and I’ll pay any price.

Graham Cooke, Tuesday Afternoon 1

2008-05-01T11:50:00.001-05:00

Well, I receive and process teachings better if I write them out while I listen to them, so I am going topost the teachings that I've typed out so far...I hope that they bless and challenge you. Please pardon the typos and such...it's hard to keep up with Graham... So this is what I get to do at work during this season...sweet huh?

Here's the link if you want to hear them:

http://gracefellowship.libsyn.com/index.php?post_category=2005%20GOIAM%20Conference

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Graham Cooke Tuesday Afternoon 1

He’s focused on present-future. Who you are now and who you are going to be in the future. He is not concerned about your past.

30,000 ppl leaving the church each year because ppl are bored silly.

Every relationship on earth can only exist in it’s present form for three to five years and then it has to change. It’s called growing up. If that’s true in the natural then it’s true in the spiritual too. All good relationships are kept by having an upgrade.

We need to understand our people, who God’s given us and what the next stage is that God is taking us through. When Jesus was going to give the message about His core statement about His mission here on Earth…he didn’t do it on the sermon on the mount. He did it in the church. He read Isaiah 61 and He starts talking about setting prisoner’s free… He knew that there were more people bound up in the church than bound up in the world. Religion that bound them to rules but never freed them up.

He is unchanging in His nature but he is changing everything. He loves you for who you are right now but He has a plan for you to change you…a dream for you. We need to understand the next level of the dream. This isn’t it…it’s just a stage along the way. We are building a church along the lines of the dream that God has.

Acts 2:42 So then those who received his word were baptized. They devoted themselves to the teaching, fellowship, breaking of bread, prayer…many wonders and signs…all who believed were together and had all things in common. One mind… adding to their number day by day…

Acts 4:32…the congregation was of one heart and soul…giving testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus…not a needy person among them…

Acts 5:12 many signs and wonders among the people…together as one accord…none of the rest dared to associate with them but they held them with high esteem…multiple ppl added to their number.

This is just the beginning..we are not trying to get back to the book of Acts..that’s just a good beginning. On earth as it is in heaven…how do we get heaven in our midst? How do we attract God? We have to live in the same paradigm that he is living in…we need the same relationships on earth that exist in heaven. Heaven opens and the holy spirit descends in bodily form on the Lord Jesus…this is my beloved son, listen to him…the holy spirit directs us to Jesus and Jesus directs us to the Father.

Jesus says that its better for you if I go away…listen guys, the holy spirit is better than me at this next stage…so Jesus wants to step out of the way and give the holy spirit center stage..what does the holy spirit do? He talks about Jesus and helps establish us in Christ. Honor…releasing one another, loving one another, preferring one another, blessing one another.

Prayer 24/7 won’t bring the presence of God…if you practice the one another’s in the new testament then the presence will come. God works and moves in a relational paradigm…not a functional paradigm. The problem is that the church is in a functional paradigm. You have to go back to a relational paradigm.

We always substitute relationship for function…it’s takes discipline to hang out with God. It’s a different kind of discipline and stamina to wait…a different kind of energy to wait on the Lord. Some of us make the biggest mistakes because we move too soon. It seemed good but then we find out that it actually wasn’t. God is holding out his hand and saying that it’s about fellowship with me first. We are learning…having to learn..to learn how to wait and to walk with one another.

God has a dream for the church and a dream for every single person that you have under your care. God is useless at one thing: when people fulfill His dream about something, He cannot stay away. He is helpless…He sees ppl living in unity and living out a dream, He has to go down there and take a look. Our goal is to make it impossible to get God to stay away.

“What would it take for you to believe that I am unceasingly magnificent?” –God

Whatever it is that you need to do, do it. We have reduced things to methodologies. It’s not about that. It’s about understanding God for who He really, really is. Start knowing what He likes. Start enjoying your sonship. Enjoying the way that God does things, enjoying the way He thinks.

Beloved, you are not going to be happy if you are not living out the dream God has for you. Think about the church that you are in –what’s their dream? and think about what God has for the church. Functional paradigm is only ever concerned about economy. How can we do the most with the least amount of time and the least amt of resources. And most ppl etc.In the book of Acts the church works in a gathered paradigm and a scattered paradigm. What he does Sunday morning is so minimal b/c it’s not life. It’s just a meeting. And meetings have a purpose. If we limit God to Sunday mornings it’s no wonder that we are missing so much of what the holy spirit is wanting to do. When we operate from a functional paradigm we want to do it all on Sunday morning. The church met in homes and occasionally met in Solomon’s portico…they didn’t use it every week. From house to house everyone would come with something that they could contribute.

How many of your people have dreams that have no chance of being fulfilled in your current paradigm? The Pharisees were dream thieves of their day. They originated a system that meant they could manage everyone’s spirituality. Thus taking away the need of the Holy Spirit. That is what Jesus came to set ppl free from. Jesus came to set ppl free and we have cell church. Hmm… The thing is, we don’t’ build relationships with our ppl primarily b/c we are too busy to build a relationship with God ourselves.

The premise with the way that we are ‘doing’ church is at odds with the Kingdom of Heaven. Something has to change. We have to walk off our map. No church can stand to have 52 life changing messages and no one’s life changes. How many sermons have you heard in your life and how many have been transforming for you?

Think of it this way: Prechristian gets gloriously saved…so excited…comes to their first meeting so excited with new bible and pen and notebook, then takes notes, walk it off, then back in church, then bible study on Tuesday…why? b/c that’s what they are encouraged to do. Jesus didn’t say, ‘I come so that you may have meetings and that you may have them more abundantly.” So they come in the first month and attend 12 meetings and what are they doing apart from learning how to take good notes.

They are learning how to listen but not how to hear. They are learning how to despise the word of God when it’s preached… unconsciously. Meanwhile, the world is moving away from the paradigm of truth that we grew up with. The organ of receptivity was the ear. But we are living in the postmodern world and the organ for receptivity is the eye not the ear—show me. People say I have my truth you have your truth. You respect mine I respect your’s. People want to see God do something. I love postmodernism b/c it is taylor-made for brining us back to being a supernatural church. You are a supernatural being. It’s time we acted like it. We have a church that is moving only in hearing so we have our whole idea of ministry which is not biblical b/c it doesn’t produce the body of Christ. Church is like this huge quivering bottom with a mouth on it. How can you teach something and then not bring people into an experience of what you are teaching. The thing is we don’t understand process so we don’t understand that most of our growth comes form process and not the laying on of hands. So we have a culture that works against heaven and not for it. What we’ve done with all our teaching is created an audience and not an army. People come to listen but know that they don’t’ really have to follow through with it b/c there will be another teaching next week.

This is attractive? I don’t think Jesus is coming back for that girl. He’s coming back for something a little more attractive than that. Give him credit for some taste. How can we teach our ppl so much but bring them into so little? We are about preached out. 30,000 ppl leaving the church, a minimum. People are bored rigid. People need to do, to be, to know that they can come and have a dream…a company of people where they can make mistakes and grow into my dream. We have unconscious pharisaical mentality towards our ppl b/c we don’t understand them. We are not taking the time to get into their hearts. Who are you? What are you called to be? What is on your heart to do? How can I help you to be the best you can be? That’s our job. We’re not here to preach each week. We are here to release ppl into a dream.

What’s the Lord saying to you? What do you want to become? How can I help you with that? How can I know that the dream is real and not made up? How can we connect reality with that dream? What is it that you need to do? What needs to emerge within you? What kind of ppl do you need to be with? You can not impose a vision on people. We work from the bottom up not the top down. I’m not here to fulfill someone else’s dream. I have dreams of my own. I want to know who I want to walk with and who has the same vision. Vision of the house grows up from that.

Vision is easy to get. Spend five minutes in the Starbucks. Every church has similar visions. Heart for the lost, heart for the nations. You can write it down in three minutes if you speed write. But how does that vision look in our body? How does the vision come through this bunch of people?

I had a church that wanted me to consult with them about their vision for the church. They gave me the vision for the people and I didn’t have a witness to any of it and I tore it up and asked, ‘Have you spoken to your people about what’s in their hearts?’ God doesn’t give vision to the leaders for the house…He sows it in the hearts of individuals and He says to his leaders, be a good dad and talk to your kids. Find out what I put…God hides the vision like a jigsaw in pieces in people’s hearts. When we start connecting with people we start putting it together. We found in that church that there were 64 people that had a vision for the arts. There were mime artists, singers, escape artists…they are the only church in the UK that has an entertainment license to the streets…guys who are unicyclists…they put on all kinds of shows in the streets…they have four booths: one to get saved, one has prayer, one prophecy, and one if you’re just miserable. It has a question mark on it. They have four huge trucks that fold out and fit 600 ppl. This one guy who beat Houdini’s record…we hoist him 2000ft in the air with chains and he still gets out. It is wild…a bit wacky. But I think the kingdom is whacky. You don’t take the most fortified city in the world by saying nothing. You don’t overcome a malicious enemy by reducing your army. We have to produce a people that want to be a part of the 300 people. You’ve got to utilize your people. There is a spirit of who we have not captured in terms of who God is. Boldness is not going to come at this level… you have to be living your dream. Every one of your people has a dream.

He has a dream about church. And you have a piece of that dream. Why do we have strange ppl in our churches? B/c God is strange. You want to walk with the Lord, you have know the Lord…well you have to know that He is consistent but completely unpredictable. You walk with the Lord but you seldom know where He is going. He won’t do things in a way that appear theological. It seems completely illogical. You cross over the river and the enemy seems bigger than you. You get an idea of what you’ll become when the Holy Spirit helps you overcome. The enemy will say that you can’t take him and tell you what you can and can’t do. But the Holy Spirit will tell you, that’s what we’re going to overcome. The Holy Spirit shows you the impossible just to get you smiling. When we finish, then that territorial spirit will be you. God is the biggest territorial spirit…he marked off all the tribes… your territory has to come to you in your dream. You have a dream and your ppl have a dream. Your great pleasure is releasing their dream.

Our vision can start to be shaped by what is coming out of ppl’s hearts. We can start to make partnerships and our meetings take on a different shape. We start preaching less and teaching more. If our preaching doesn’t release ppl into an experience then our preaching is not doing anyone any good. Then we can get away from our sanctuary driven paradigm. You take a city by training warriors and going house to house and street to street.

We need to fight with one another. Why? So we make sure that we don’t do anything out of mediocrity. Contend with me. Don’t settle for anything less. Contend with one another for the dream. Friends don’t let each other get away with anything.

I had a friend that was discipled by Smith Wigglesworth. He never let me forget it. He would say, I have taught you better than this haven’t I? The only answer was ‘yes sir’. He only let me make the same mistake three times. First time, it’s okay b/c you’re learning. Second time, that’s just stupid. Third time it’s a character issue. But he contended with me b/c he knew the dream that was in my heart.

My prayer for you is that you would get back in touch with your dream. If you’re not living your dream then you may be someone else’s nightmare. What’s your dream? What are you in this for? What has the Lord said to you? How does he want to show up? There is so much more to life out there than we are currently enjoying. God is the happiest person that I know. He has the sunniest disposition. Some of us are out of touch with his innate happiness. If you are going to walk in the spirit of the Lord then you have to get used to belly laughing. Heaven is funny and full of laughter. You will be full of laughter and joy b/c you are full of God and His dream for your life. Live under the smile of God and do the things that make God extraordinarily happy.

During the worst seasons of my life He has come and kissed me. He has held my dream in front of me and says, ‘this is who you are. Don’t forget it.’ The Lord has comforted me. The joy, peace, and love are all permanent emotions. He steps into your pain and you realize just how adored you are by the Father. He takes hold of your dream and he holds it in front of you and says, ‘this is who you are for me and this is who I am for you’ He shows you something about yourself and himself that helps you. What a joy and treasure. He has things for you. And you must live in the pleasure of who he is for you. Then discover in your people what their dreams are. But that is for another discussion. Let’s pray.

Thank you Father b/c no one loves us like you do. …

New Soul

2008-05-01T11:49:00.001-05:00

Sittin' in Sweet Eugene's today I heard this song and Michelle so kindly told me the name of it, seein' as how I don't keep up with what's new on the radio.

anyhow, I watched the music video and I can't even explain how much it spoke to me...I feel like I could be singing that song on many levels...maybe going to south korea is soul searching? continuing to walk out my identity in Christ. chasing a dream? maybe it's just something i need to do. transitioning to being an adult? and if i end up not getting to go, well the process alone has been teaching me so much about life, about myself, and about God.

don't put me in a box... i love how she knocks over the walls and sees a whole new world out there...

even the part about feeling joy and fear....trying to learn to give and take...discerning truth and what's fake... I'm so thankful for what God has done in my life thus far...otherwise I'd be totally lost. He has been faithful to provide truth, love and trust...

one day i will let others take my hand as i will have already been there and will have wisdom to offer. by God's grace, i can even to that now to some degree...

i'm not really sure. but, i feel a lot like the girl in the video...only, add God in the mix. At least He'll clean up any mistakes that i make. because I am making mistakes along the way! And, He is a good Shepherd and will lead me.

i really can't accurately articulate this season of my life. i don't think i really understand all that God is doing. so there. listen to the song and maybe you'll like it. maybe you won't. i like it. and i'm thankful that God uses so many different means to communicate to me, otherwise, i might not ever know what's going on in my life! sheesh... He is a good Father...

Psalm 16 has been my life line....and Hebrews 11:8 as well.

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"New Soul" by: Yail Naim

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYBLjEaDFDE

Here are the lyrics:

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

New soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes..

Waiting in Transition

2008-05-01T11:44:00.001-05:00

written March 15...a little late in posting.

i share this b/c i know so many of you can relate...

...and so goes the job hunting...

My life seems to be a little nebulous right now. No specific plans. I just want to love the Lord, follow Him, and be with people I love. Sure, there are dreams and even goals in between all that, but ultimately, it's about knowing Him and making Him known. So, as anyone has to, I'm still waiting on God, while taking steps in directions I think may have an open door, but mostly, waiting and resting in Him.

During this time, I am finding a power in surrender and a power in rest. A peace that settles over me like never before. I know He has great plans for my life-- even if I can't foresee them.

Here's a little something I wrote a few weeks ago:

// upon this mount I wait
eager for Your arrival
You will not delay
and yet time passes away

You say, "abide in me"
so everyday I try to just be
ever so graceful
one who drinks, so thankful

a hunger deep inside
one which cannot hide
o, how I wait for the end
so I continue to contend

yes, i wait for a mate
but he, You can always take
my hope is in You
for we who are in You are too few

yes, i wait for my dreams
which always seem to bust at the seams
as i delight in You, to start
You give the desires of my heart

yes, i wait for security
while desiring my heart's purity
money only steals a man's soul
true treasures lie in Heaven's bowl

yes, i wait for justice to prevail
my heart cries out in travail
love trumps and mercy speaks
the Lord is for keeps

yes, i wait to be a mom
and with a dog named Tom (not really that name)
children, whom I'll hold with open palms
for they, too, are the Lord's as if alms

yes, i wait to make a difference
not some mundane indifference
He gives purpose to my life
even through all the strife

yes, i wait for all these and more
be so kind as to wash them ashore
Lord, come to me
tell me what you see

it's You I seek
all through my week
it's You whom I love
and I, whom you love//

contentment and ramblings

2008-04-11T19:37:00.000-05:00

con·tent·ment /kənˈtɛntmənt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhn-tent-mu

hnt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.
2. Archaic. the act of making contentedly satisfied.
[Origin: 1400–50; late ME contentement < MF. See co

Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary - Cite This Source - Share This

Contentment

a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be (1 Tim. 6:6; 2 Cor. 9:8). It is opposed to envy (James 3:16), avarice (Heb. 13:5), ambition (Prov. 13:10), anxiety (Matt. 6:25, 34), and repining (1 Cor. 10:10). It arises from the inward disposition, and is the offspring of humility, and of an intelligent consideration of the rectitude and benignity of divine providence (Ps. 96:1, 2; 145), the greatness of the divine promises (2 Pet. 1:4), and our own unworthiness (Gen. 32:10); as well as from the view the gospel opens up to us of rest and peace hereafter (Rom. 5:2).

Main Entry: contentment
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: happiness
Synonyms: comfort, complacency, content, contentedness, ease, equanimity, fulfillment, gladness, gratification, peace, pleasure, repletion, satisfaction, serenity
Antonyms: discomfort, discontentment, displeasure, dissatisfaction, misery, sadness, unhappiness

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Okay, so i really don't like definitions that use the original word or the root word in the definition; however, there are some parts of these definitions that are helpful.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about contentment lately. It seems that contentment is a good place to start, being that I'm a single woman in a house with three engaged people and having two previous roommates already married. It's okay, don't pity me. Singleness really can be and is a blessing! And, I'm super excited for these engaged women!

I realized that in this next year, going to South Korea, I'll be missing six weddings, four of which are really, really close friends! That has been enough to keep me here, actually. They're like sisters, truly. But, in the end, I am feeling as though this is an open door to walk through. I've got a lot of peace about it. This is not the point though...rabbit trail.

Back to contentment... this is something that I've been trying to "master" over the last few years. Yah, "master." Whatever that means. I think that being content is something that we, as humans, will have to remind ourselves of all throughout life. If you're single, you'll long for a relationship. If you're in a relationship you'll long for marriage. If you're married you'll long for children or to be single again. If you have kids you'll long for your independence again. If you're out of work you desire a job. If you have a job you wish you were retired. If you're old you want to be young. If you're young you want to be older. It's a lifelong struggle of being content with what God's given you and the season of life that you're in.

There is the paradox that you are to be content and yet long for more and contend for more of God. But that doesn't include complaining all the time. The Isrealites did that and we see where it got them... God let all their grumblings come to pass and not a single one of them saw the promise land. So there. Negative thoughts and words get you no where. So just dismiss the idea that complaining will help.

Contentment...God knows where He has you and He is constantly forming you and shaping you. The experiences that He is giving you are equipping you and preparing you...they're changing you and showing you more and more about who He is and how much He loves you.

I think that a lot of times our situations get very tainted by our attitudes and poor perspectives. We tend to assume the worst, play the victim, and envy others. Well, the grass is not always greener on the other side...we all have junk and that's life. God is working on each one of us. In the end, you'll always end up running into yourself again no matter how many different things you run to. God's showing you who you are and growing you into who you are in Christ.

We tend to make ashes as we are sinful beings. He makes beauty from ashes. Sometimes the goodness of God gets tainted because we blame God for the consequences of our choices or others choices. Unfortunately, sometimes we get slammed with the effects of others' mistakes. And sometimes, well, as Graham says, "In His wisdom He allows what He could prevent with His power." This kind of has to do with contentment...I guess it does because if you can't see God's goodness then you'll have no hopes of being content.

God has the best in mind for you. Some times we have a hard time believing that. He often time protects us from things that we thought we wanted but in the end, it would have not been so great for us. Other times He just makes us wait a really long time. He is a good Father. Mostly, we need to change the way that we see Him and that will change the way we see our lives. Our experiences with God will change our lives and how we live day to day.

Delight first in the Lord and then He'll give you the desires of your heart. Seek the Kingdom first. As you do that He aligns your heart with His and your desires become the same as His. It's the most amazing and beautiful transformation!

Well, this is a more scattered writing than usual. But, contentment is something that I feel is a big issue in our culture...heck, the human race. We are complainers and have been since day one. It's time we renew our minds and realize that God has given us everything we need for life. Those in Christ have the holy spirit and life is more fulfilling than ever when you acknowledge Him daily and walk with Him!

It's not a quick fix, but it is a relationship and an intimate one at that!

When I say to be content, I'm not saying to shut off your desires and settle. God's made us people of desire! But, I am saying to quit complaining. There is a difference between complaining and contending. It is a heart issue.

Whatever, I think that's all I have to say for now. Maybe it's helpful for someone. I just know that I am embracing the season of life that God has me in and I am excited about life! God has to be my filling! He has to be my hunger and my all... otherwise, I'm pursuing dead ends. Knowing Him and making Him known... that is what I live for. In the case of singleness, if God so desires to give me a companion, that'd be great (i mean, amazing) too. It was His idea after all to create Eve for Adam. Haha...but waiting is good too! He's teaching me contentment! So single ladies, (and men), be excited about this season of life and let God use you! There is always a full life to be had when in Christ!